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there is always one asshole
So I'm taking this class where we have to read early english writing and yak yak yak write essays on them
we have to peer review other people's writing
and i came across what may be the worst essay and most incredible example of autism working it's way like some vile tapeworm into every aspect of a man's life i've ever seen
without further ado, here's something that gave me an anyeurism. my peer review comments are in parenthesis
Barry fucknut aspergers jerk
September 14, 2011
In the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Eleven (It’s actually the year of the rabbit. Please change your title to reflect that.)
I have no idea what the following pages will entail or what may or may not unfold insomuch as what is expected with regards to this, our first short essay, frankly lacks some structure and detail. It is already palpably clear that the majority of the class has adopted the plan of simply choosing one piece from the prior readings to analyze. Did we thoroughly read, not only the instructions for said assignment kids, but also it may behoove you to peruse the rubric that will be used to pull our essays apart like a plucked chicken. Merely food for thought, we still have until Monday at midnight. Forgive me if dumbing my essay down to one passage at no point occurred to me as a collegiate game plan, but god speed to those of you who are unable to extrapolate themes from across the readings thus far analyzing them as a whole. That being said let us dive right into some dissection and get our hands dirty without any further ado.
(This first paragraph unnecessary, not relevant to the assignment, and pretty condescending – it should be removed. Also, you use palpably wrong. In particular, the first sentence is not acceptable. I mean, really, the whole paragraph isn’t, but that sentence is strikingly out of tune with an academic tone – as are metaphors and fragments like “plucked chicken” and your veiled references to the incompetence of the rest of the class.)
These brave pioneers and early Americans were performing an invaluable service for their British and European backers resting safely across the “pond” out of harm’s way by documenting the happenings so that they would be in the know when the time came to betray them. Perhaps Columbus’ accounts were sensationalized, but with good reason. Given what had to be a huge bill that Columbus’ three-silly-named-ship expeditions incurred, the least he could do was offer up some interesting reading to the King and Queen of Spain. He was particularly considerate of their entertainment level when he plied them with some humor in explaining some of the bartering they engaged in with the natives via paltry “bits of glass, broken cups, and fragments of earthenware.” (Columbus, 139) Now there is a guy I might trust with power of attorney.
(You may want to remove the last sentence; it’s a subjective and irrelevant statement. In addition, you may not want to include other such subjective bits of rhetoric, like referring to his ship names as “silly”. This is not consistent with academic style. Your citations are also technically incorrect.)
Now we will look to the most damning of all recurring themes which rears its ugly head throughout the aforementioned excerpts, perhaps you missed it, it can be quite subtle. Literature of this particular period in time is steeped in all things God and incidentally often brimming with misspelled prose. One might well think that if a person is truly pious in all things that God would intervene and guide their pen to greatness. Why were these eastern hemisphere settlers so content in their intent to convert those they encountered, as a result of their expeditions, to Christianity? A person, regardless of gender, would no doubt have to be both physically and mentally strong to begin life anew by hacking it out of a harsh and unforgiving wilderness; this would only be made exponentially more difficult given their devotion to and dependency upon an aloof entity known as God. Given the way the natives lived very much in harmony with the land, is it not safe to say that they had more spirituality in their little finger than did their long winded uninvited guests?
(The last two sentences in this paragraph are highly subjective and not necessary. In an academic environment, conclusions should be drawn from text and supplementary materials rather then individual viewpoints on nebulous subjects like religion and spirituality, which cannot be objectively or numerically expressed. In general, it’s a bad idea to pepper your writing with sweeping generalizations that cannot be in any way substantiated.)
Did all that religion get them to the hilltop that prose professional, biblically verbose Winthrop so eloquently dangled before his minions like manna? Actually, all that piety did them one better. It took them past the hilltop all the way to Mount Holly where “their Neighbours Sheep dance in an uncommon Manner, and with causing Hogs to speak, and sing Psalms”. (Franklin, 846) Sounds to me like the Sesame Street of colonies. Please do not even bother telling me how to get to Mount Holly; I would not go there if I knew the way. Moreover, I am not sure why the Motherland was so bent out of shape over the writings of the likes of Paine and Adams. It might have been prudent to simply back slowly out of the bar.
(A few closing points. For one, I have no real idea what you’re trying to get at with this paper. Secondly, while your clear mastery of the English language is incredibly impressive – I’m floored – the format and content of this paper are neither academic nor, in the case of the first and last paragraphs, appropriate. Please revise and dispense with the condescending attitude in the future.)