Our new Indie Games subforum is now open for business in G&T. Go and check it out, you might land a code for a free game. If you're developing an indie game and want to post about it, follow these directions. If you don't, he'll break your legs! Hahaha! Seriously though.
Our rules have been updated and given their own forum. Go and look at them! They are nice, and there may be new ones that you didn't know about! Hooray for rules! Hooray for The System! Hooray for Conforming!
Note: the version in this doc file is how I originally intended it if anyone wants to take a gander. Including it below as well, but it's alot easier to read here than on the forum. For anyone who might of tried reading before, the spoilered version is also a bit easier for some reason (at least to me):
i told my secretary i needed time to myself so i was turning my phone off. i didnt turn my phone off but no one called. i went to a local spot and jimmy was there. he said he just bought a house. i bought him a beer. jimmy said he was burdened by all the responsibilities of owning a piece of the earth. we argued about whether a dig was worth the treasure. he said the deeper the dig the better the treasure. i said i just like to get my hands dirty. i left. gods jewelry was in the sky. people walked with eyes downturned in envy. each one was distinct i wanted to ask them what made them that way but they kept walking before i could ask them. i kept walking. i walked to another spot that i liked where there was a guy that i liked who served me drinks that i liked. his name was jimmy too. this jimmy had a gambling problem. when you started talking to this jimmy about any old thing all of a sudden the conversation would be about odds and balances, pros and cons or beating the spread. his eyes would dart back and forth like a third man was pushing calculator buttons. i wondered what made this jimmy different from the first jimmy and i couldnt find the answer. i didnt know why i was asking the question or who was doing the asking. i left. i was tired of walking and not being able to ask anyone anything so i decided to drive instead. i drove. the walkers became one walker but it was still dead and dreaming. i thought if i drove faster i could wake it up. i was afraid of what would happen if it woke so i drove the speed limit. i hadnt had a case in a while so i went looking for one. once you convince someone they have a problem its easy to convince them it needs fixing. a woman in a coffee shop held a childs hand and i could tell her trouble by the grip. i explained it to her. she thought i was crazy until i showed her my identification. she gave me 100 dollars. i went back to jimmy number two and told him to put 100 on the big game. he asked me what side i wanted to bet on and i told him to choose. the third man blinked. i went back to the office and asked my secretary if i had any messages. she said the same number called 47 times. the first 46 were nervous breathing. the 47th was a gunshot. i told her i knew who it was and i would call him back later. i went in my office and slept a years sleep. it was raining when i woke up. i went back to sleep and it was still raining. the drops of water on the lake ticked like a gutted clock. my secretary came in and told me there was some serious business. i couldnt ignore serious business so i woke up. a man said his wife was missing. he wanted to make sure she was never found. i guaranteed it and showed him my identification. he told the story of her gruesome death. i could tell it was plagiarized. i said i only take cash upfront. he handed me an envelope and left. in the envelope there was a piece of paper that said i did it. i threw it away. i wanted to go to sleep again so i looked in my pocket for a pill. i woke up instead. i went outside. i was the only one awake and all the walkers had frozen. i thought this might be a good time to ask some questions. i crept around and whispered into the ear of a tall man hailing a taxi. the force blew him to ash. i didn't know if he had heard my question. i grabbed his taxi. i wanted to ask the driver where he was taking me but i didn't want him to blow to ash. motor vehicle accidents are the number one cause of decapitation in the united states of america and i didn't have health insurance. part of me wanted to experience the 20 seconds of post-decapitation consciousness. i wanted to know if it was a glimpse of grace or just bops and frizzes. taxi drivers talk to alot of people so i thought he might know. before i could work up the nerve to ask he said we had reached our destination. i had no money so i extended my hand for a firm handshake. a firm handshake can get you out of anything. he drove off without a word. i looked around for a point of reference. the only familiar thing was the moon. i remembered i was home. i felt the need to open a window. some joker had glued them all shut. i had to settle for looking through. i got bored of the view and wanted to rest. the moon was too bright. as clouds were passing over i tried to catch a wink but the gaze behind was even brighter. when the clouds passed i saw the moon had turned its back. I started to cry.
formatted:
Spoiler:
i told my secretary i needed time to myself so i was turning my phone off. i didn't turn my phone off but no one called.
i went to a local spot and jimmy was there. he said he just bought a house. i bought him a beer.
jimmy said he was burdened by all the responsibilities of owning a piece of the earth. we argued about whether a dig was worth the treasure. he said the deeper the dig the better the treasure. i said i just like to get my hands dirty. i left.
god's jewelry was in the sky.
people walked with eyes downturned in envy. each one was distinct i wanted to ask them what made them that way but they kept walking before i could ask them. i kept walking.
i walked to another spot that i liked where there was a guy that i liked who served me drinks that i liked. his name was jimmy too. this jimmy had a gambling problem. when you started talking to this jimmy about any old thing all of a sudden the conversation would be about odds and balances, pros and cons or beating the spread. his eyes would dart back and forth like a third man was pushing calculator buttons. i wondered what made this jimmy different from the first jimmy and i couldn't find the answer. i didn't know why i was asking the question or who was doing the asking. i left.
i was tired of walking and not being able to ask anyone anything so i decided to drive instead. i drove. the walkers became one walker but it was still dead and dreaming. i thought if i drove faster i could wake it up. i was afraid of what would happen if it woke so i drove the speed limit.
i hadn't had a case in a while so i went looking for one. once you convince someone they have a problem its easy to convince them it needs fixing. a woman in a coffee shop held a childs hand and i could tell her trouble by the grip. i explained it to her. she thought i was crazy until i showed her my identification. she gave me 100 dollars.
i went back to jimmy number two and told him to put 100 on the big game. he asked me what side i wanted to bet on and i told him to choose. the third man blinked.
i went back to the office and asked my secretary if i had any messages. she said the same number called 47 times. the first 46 were nervous breathing. the 47th was a gunshot. i told her i knew who it was and i would call him back later.
i went in my office and slept a years sleep. it was raining when i woke up. i went back to sleep and it was still raining. the drops of water on the lake ticked like a gutted clock.
my secretary came in and told me there was some serious business. i couldn't ignore serious business so i woke up. a man said his wife was missing. he wanted to make sure she was never found. i guaranteed it and showed him my identification. he told the story of her gruesome death. i could tell it was plagiarized. i said i only take cash upfront. he handed me an envelope and left. in the envelope there was a piece of paper that said i did it. i threw it away.
i wanted to go to sleep again so i looked in my pocket for a pill. i woke up instead.
i went outside. i was the only one awake and all the walkers had frozen. i thought this might be a good time to ask some questions. i crept around and whispered into the ear of a tall man hailing a taxi. the force blew him to ash. i didn't know if he had heard my question. i grabbed his taxi.
i wanted to ask the driver where he was taking me but i didn't want him to blow to ash. motor vehicle accidents are the number one cause of decapitation in the united states of america and i didn't have health insurance.
part of me wanted to experience the 20 seconds of post-decapitation consciousness. I wanted to know if it was a glimpse of grace or just bops and frizzes.
taxi drivers talk to alot of people so i thought he might know. before i could work up the nerve to ask he said we had reached our destination. i had no money so i extended my hand for a firm handshake. a firm handshake can get you out of anything. he drove off without a word.
i looked around for a point of reference. the only familiar thing was the moon. i remembered i was home.
i felt the need to open a window. some joker had glued them all shut. i had to settle for looking through. i got bored of the view and wanted to rest.
the moon was too bright. as clouds were passing over i tried to catch a wink but the gaze behind was even brighter.
when the clouds passed i saw the moon had turned its back.
Okay, first off, the lack of proper formatting isn't doing you any favors. It makes the piece more difficult to read and becomes annoying after a dozen sentences or so. Instituting some sort of paragraph/punctuation regime would allow you to control the flow much better, and I think good flow is somewhat important to the piece.
Beyond that, I'm struck by a large lack of... point. Or story. I assume this guy is a PI, yes? Since he has a secretary and hadn't had a case in awhile, which doesn't sound like things that apply to regular policemen? Anyway, he goes around and does some stuff and apparently he's losing his mind and then he cries and fade to black. And after all is said and done, I am struck with a feeling of: "Okay, and?"
The actual writing, lack of formatting aside, is promising. The juttering rhythm and stream-of-consciousness flow could be put to good use. But this particular story, unless I'm missing something, doesn't accomplish much.
Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
Maddie: "I am not!"
Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
Maddie: "I am a placental mammal!"
thanks. it's still very rough, and a bit directionless. just a first draft. lack of point is sort of the point, but not if it left you more empty than intrigued. trying to crystallize a feeling of drive and distinction yet ambivalence and insolubility, if i had to try and put it in words. will play around with formatting.
This story seems weird because the lack of capitalization until the very last use of 'I' seems to serve a purpose in some postmodern context, but I don't really get it and I don't think it works with a genre story that you are kind of working with.
Part of me is probably bothered by my expectations for the genre you start in and then basically ignore, but I think when you put a character though an emotional collapse you first have to make the reader care about the character and know something about them. Their should be some context for the collapse as well beside the implication that the last case fucked him up somehow as well.
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Beyond that, I'm struck by a large lack of... point. Or story. I assume this guy is a PI, yes? Since he has a secretary and hadn't had a case in awhile, which doesn't sound like things that apply to regular policemen? Anyway, he goes around and does some stuff and apparently he's losing his mind and then he cries and fade to black. And after all is said and done, I am struck with a feeling of: "Okay, and?"
The actual writing, lack of formatting aside, is promising. The juttering rhythm and stream-of-consciousness flow could be put to good use. But this particular story, unless I'm missing something, doesn't accomplish much.
Maddie: "I am not!"
Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
Maddie: "I am a placental mammal!"
http://www.fallout3nexus.com/downloads/file.php?id=16534
Part of me is probably bothered by my expectations for the genre you start in and then basically ignore, but I think when you put a character though an emotional collapse you first have to make the reader care about the character and know something about them. Their should be some context for the collapse as well beside the implication that the last case fucked him up somehow as well.
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