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[Internet Dating] "Who is your favorite duck?" and other dating questions
Posts
Paranoia about possibly evoking responses like this is one of the reasons that internet dating sites hurt my soul. Also, why I never let anyone know I am adding them to favorites.
Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
My Steam profile | My TF2 items
It's just a general esteem thing, probably more my problem than a problem with society...
But as a girl who actually actively pursues guys, I've found I get a lot of guys who seem outright... offended that one such as me would dare to show any interest in him. A "meh, not interested" is fine, but an "ugh" is what I'm worried happens.
The idea that my attempt at contact, no matter how subtle, is not just an uninteresting experience but an actively unpleasant one... that bothers me. A lot. I don't want to cause someone to have an actively unpleasant experience.
Yes, this is mostly my problem. But what is this thread for, if not to share our horrible, horrible problems?
Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
it strikes me as cruel to give voice to those things you didn't appreciate- especially glibly, and double especially with something so socially hyperconscious as weight. people are very troubled by self-esteem issues linked to appearance and attraction. so maybe, forty, you should think 'ah, this won't do' or 'oh, she isn't for me'.
even if you're not messaging the girls about how repulsive they are to you, i think it's probably not psychologically healthy to dehumanize and insult people for no reason but their not fitting your rubric of attractiveness. articulating how 'gross' they are, even if just to yourself, doesn't seem like a decent thing to do.
God dammit what am I going to do about my problems?
Street Fighter 4 (pc): sdurien
Steam: Jon http://steamcommunity.com//profiles/76561197970923897/home
Ok, I'm kinda in a snarky mood today, so my apologies if any of this comes off as rude. Yes, I appreciate the irony of that in light of my posts on this page. Shut up!
First, your profile pic is your worst pic. It makes you look like 10-20lbs heavier than any other pic on your profile, especially the way that OKCupid weirdly extra-crops it. I'm one to talk... my only profile pics are mirror photos and halloween costumes, but still!
Somehow your introductory statement seems to say things that I think are good in a way that is entirely uninteresting. I like car trips and adventures, but your descriptions of your car trip adventures say nothing new. Either figure out some way to make it unique, or keep it short and sweet.
Frex, the car thing could be as brief as "I really enjoy driving. There's nothing better than setting out to explore Arizona, chatting with friends while we go somewhere we've never seen before."
Finally, you use the incorrect "your." It's "maybe if you're lucky." I know it is a stupid thing, but okcupid's weird stats thing has shown that grammatical errors vastly reduce your chance of getting replies. Honestly, the phrase "maybe if you're lucky" sounds a bit cocky anyway. I don't think you mean it that way, but that's how it comes out.
Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
I basically don't respond to messages or profiles that have basic, but pervasive grammar problems. It's a big turn-off for me. After all, it's not like something you can't check before hitting "save" or "send."
I'm the same, but after talking about feeling bad when people react negatively to my profile, I didn't want to say "Grammatical errors make me want to stab my eyes out with forks."
Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
So it's okay to roll one's eyes at someone who mixes "your" and "you're", but don't dare roll those eyes at someone with a fatty mcfat-fat picture! Be decent!
the point is that you shouldn't be an asshole about it.
There's no real end to what you can do with your brain.
Honestly, someone who cannot use even basic gammar is as nearly as unattractive to me as someone who cannot wash themselves properly. If they just don't care about themselves, (Mentally or physically) why should I?
However, other people are just lazy about it, and it's difficult to tell which is which on ye olde internet.
I wasn't meaning to guilt trip anyone who reacts viscerally in a negative way to a profile. That particular anecdote just resonated with an insecurity I have, which lead me to share because you know... the internet. Oversharing.
Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
Okay so I am basing this strictly off the last two messages I sent. It's still valid!
Of course I'm basing this off nothing but perhaps.
Sometimes I think "I should wait six months, make a new profile, and message that person again, keeping things short, in case I screwed myself over with my flippin NOVELS." but I'm not sure if that is entering "creepy" territory.
Edit: also, if a conversation lulls, is it acceptable to send an additional "poke" message to see if the person just wandered off for a bit? I usually just give up after the first not-responded-to message, but again... stupid paranoia don't-want-to-bother-people issues.
Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
Having left the market you're searching in, I'd suggest something other than OKC. For some reason OKC in "the Phoenix" isn't a decent area. pof, or match.com seem to be more densly populated.
As for your profile, it seems that everything you've posted is decent, but in practice it doesn't scream, "Message me, i'm awesome." (Yeah, i didn't capitalize "i")
My personal opinion, is that you could take some of the text you put in the "Self-Summary" and put it into your "What I'm Doing With My Life". Make your summary, a summary.
I'd recommend increasing the volume of the other sections with truthful awesome stories, so that they're larger in proportion to the "Books, Music, Movies, Show, and Food" section.
Good luck, duder.
Unless it's for science.
Is it for science?
Thats me right there... all my life I struggle to write but I was able to make it from grammar to graduate school. The problem is in the online dating world I get insecure and don't know how to articulate myself = horrible.
I am working on this draft and seeing if I am giving off a good vibe before I start polishing it off.
Reviews: linky
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
Street Fighter 4 (pc): sdurien
Steam: Jon http://steamcommunity.com//profiles/76561197970923897/home
I've been finding the same thing. When I write thought-out messages, they're pretty encapsulated in that they have a beginning and an end, but have conversational hooks in the form of questions that are supposed to get the other person to consider what she'll say in response... if she responds at all, which has been a rather low percentage.
In contrast, my most recent conversation (and leading up to a date) was this:
"I was just going to click on "Save to Favorites," since it's late and I may not be exactly coherent enough to write the suave, witty opening lines I might otherwise. Yet, it hit me that if I did that, it would send you a message anyway to notify you, so I really ought to cut out the middleman and say hello myself. That explains this!"
So what am I supposed to take from that? Thinking at all = overthinking?
My Steam profile | My TF2 items
I would say it is ok. I've done this myself and it actually got the conversation going again and led to a date. At worst they'll ignore it at best it will make them think you're interested and prompt them to ask you out.
But even though I didn't respond, I chalked it up to them finding me attractive, which is a compliment.
Similarly, writing a long message is not always taken poorly, but it does set up a precedent that you want a substantive response. If I write a 7-paragraph post here, do you expect someone to respond to every one of my points? Probably not. So, sending a follow-up can give them a much simpler response, which means they'll actually write it.
That also means that it's just better to write a short & sweet message. You don't have to be amazing, but it helps to be nice. Remember that this is online dating, so it's not weird to flirt with someone. Even thinking about myself, and the messages I received, I can think of which ones I prefer. To wit:
The first message is fine, I would probably respond, but I wouldn't be very excited about it. The second message states pretty clearly "Hi, I am actually interested in you and would like to meet up at some point," It states more clearly that because we have these similar interests, we should do things together. Will that "work" for everyone? No -- some people are more comfortable building things slowly, but I think the way you write messages also communicates the type of messages you receive back. I responded more playfully to playful messages, more directly to direct messages, and more aloofly to aloof messages. Similarly, novelesque messages tend to prompt novelesque replies, which many people would not bother to write -- so you get no response at all.
"You should go out to dinner with me this Friday.
- Name"
It works surprisingly well.
Now age ain't nothing but a thing (but I don't do hookups so that ruled out the one or two more attractive older ladies), but I stress pretty strongly in my profile that I'm an active guy in decent shape with lots of physical hobbies, so I also get a bit confused about messages from women who seem less interested in that lifestyle. That said, I take the time to respond pleasantly to every message, since I figure if you're going to put yourself out there, you deserve to be acknowledged at the very least.
Of course, in my dating life before I took it online, my experiences generally worked out that out of every five women I expressed an interest in, three wouldn't be interested, one would be insulted (ouch), and the last one would be interested enough to take it further. Just have to grow a thick skin sometimes about this stuff.
If I were to send out a message, I'd rather be more forthcoming and straightforward so it's clear that I'm saying "I like you in some way." At least then if you get shot down (or not responded to at all) it's clear that they simply aren't that into you. I mean, my girlfriend doesn't like blonde guys at all, so the world's hottest blonde guy could message her and she still wouldn't be interested. Not his fault.
And 'chu, whether I articulate it or not, I can't escape my thoughts ("Don't think about elephants."), so I don't really see the point in sugar coating an internal monologue or anecdote I post in this thread. Besides, I could have been a lot more offensive if I wanted to, as the words I chose were pretty accurate.
That's...that's not subtle.
well i understand that you can't see the point of it
i'm telling you to try harder to see
get some ethical glasses
contethoscts
retinal replacethicalment
While it's not so great that it seems to bother you and hold you back, I'd say genuinely not wanting to give someone an unpleasant experience is a positive character trait, not a negative one. So don't worry about it *too* much.
Just saying.
Eggy, may I use this? I feel that my posts have suffered from boringitis.
"... oh and no one just interested in sex" followed by six pictures which tell me nothing about you other than the exact dimensions of your breasts - If you don't want to get lots of messages asking about sex then why have you posted a picture of yourself in your bra? Or leaning over towards the web cam wearing a tank top? Or from above with your arms under your breasts shoving them up and out? If you'd put up pictures of you rock climbing, or reading or doing anything other than posing like an amateur porn star then maybe you wouldn't get so many men just interested in sex. Maybe they would be interested in the things you're doing in the pictures. Gah1!!1
Thank you, this has been another episode of "Things in profiles that lizardloop hates".