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[Internet Dating] "Who is your favorite duck?" and other dating questions

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Posts

  • Cultural Geek GirlCultural Geek Girl Registered User regular
    I'm going on a cruise next week (JoCoCruiseCrazy, in fact), so I haven't been sending out messages or really responding to any. Because of that, insomnia nights are more annoying, because I used to fix them by just sending out a bunch of wacky sleep-deprived messages.
    forty wrote:
    Organichu wrote:
    did anyone else get a lot of messages today? seems like people on the site are lonely 'bout v-day
    No messages yesterday, but a fat, unattractive girl added me to her favorites. Yay.

    Paranoia about possibly evoking responses like this is one of the reasons that internet dating sites hurt my soul. Also, why I never let anyone know I am adding them to favorites.

    Buttoneer, Brigadeer, and Keeper of the Book of Wil Wheaton.
    Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
    Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
  • lizardlooplizardloop Registered User regular
    because I used to fix them by just sending out a bunch of wacky sleep-deprived messages.
    If it wasn't for the vast geographical distances between us you'd be on my favourites list faster than the okc servers could register.

  • fortyforty Registered User regular
    I'm going on a cruise next week (JoCoCruiseCrazy, in fact), so I haven't been sending out messages or really responding to any. Because of that, insomnia nights are more annoying, because I used to fix them by just sending out a bunch of wacky sleep-deprived messages.
    forty wrote:
    Organichu wrote:
    did anyone else get a lot of messages today? seems like people on the site are lonely 'bout v-day
    No messages yesterday, but a fat, unattractive girl added me to her favorites. Yay.

    Paranoia about possibly evoking responses like this is one of the reasons that internet dating sites hurt my soul. Also, why I never let anyone know I am adding them to favorites.
    If the response isn't directed at you (it's not like I said this to her), what's the big deal? I mean, I'm ugly, but I don't really care if some woman's reaction to my profile is "ugh" if she doesn't send a message telling me so.

    Patch 5.4 wrote:
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    Subsequent wins now awards 75 Conquest Points (up from 50).
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  • BursarBursar 16 tons of #9 coleslaw Registered User regular
    Coffee date acquired. Jitters beginning.

    Spoiler:
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  • Cultural Geek GirlCultural Geek Girl Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    forty wrote:
    I'm going on a cruise next week (JoCoCruiseCrazy, in fact), so I haven't been sending out messages or really responding to any. Because of that, insomnia nights are more annoying, because I used to fix them by just sending out a bunch of wacky sleep-deprived messages.
    forty wrote:
    Organichu wrote:
    did anyone else get a lot of messages today? seems like people on the site are lonely 'bout v-day
    No messages yesterday, but a fat, unattractive girl added me to her favorites. Yay.

    Paranoia about possibly evoking responses like this is one of the reasons that internet dating sites hurt my soul. Also, why I never let anyone know I am adding them to favorites.
    If the response isn't directed at you (it's not like I said this to her), what's the big deal? I mean, I'm ugly, but I don't really care if some woman's reaction to my profile is "ugh" if she doesn't send a message telling me so.

    It's just a general esteem thing, probably more my problem than a problem with society...

    But as a girl who actually actively pursues guys, I've found I get a lot of guys who seem outright... offended that one such as me would dare to show any interest in him. A "meh, not interested" is fine, but an "ugh" is what I'm worried happens.

    The idea that my attempt at contact, no matter how subtle, is not just an uninteresting experience but an actively unpleasant one... that bothers me. A lot. I don't want to cause someone to have an actively unpleasant experience.

    Yes, this is mostly my problem. But what is this thread for, if not to share our horrible, horrible problems?

    Cultural Geek Girl on
    Buttoneer, Brigadeer, and Keeper of the Book of Wil Wheaton.
    Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
    Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
  • OrganichuOrganichu Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    i don't really think that's strange of you.

    it strikes me as cruel to give voice to those things you didn't appreciate- especially glibly, and double especially with something so socially hyperconscious as weight. people are very troubled by self-esteem issues linked to appearance and attraction. so maybe, forty, you should think 'ah, this won't do' or 'oh, she isn't for me'.

    even if you're not messaging the girls about how repulsive they are to you, i think it's probably not psychologically healthy to dehumanize and insult people for no reason but their not fitting your rubric of attractiveness. articulating how 'gross' they are, even if just to yourself, doesn't seem like a decent thing to do.

    Organichu on
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  • fortyforty Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    So you've actually gotten mean replies to your introductory messages? That's certainly not something I do, and that's kind of fucked up of people who do. I either reply cordially (but without implying interest) or just don't reply at all if I find the sender to be unattractive.


    God dammit what am I going to do about my problems?

    forty on
    Patch 5.4 wrote:
    First win of the day now awards 150 Conquest Points (up from 100).
    Subsequent wins now awards 75 Conquest Points (up from 50).
    YES! I AM INVINCIBLE!
  • TheBigEasyTheBigEasy Registered User regular
    Quick question ... anybody heard of howaboutwe.com and/or used it?

  • NaeblissNaebliss Registered User regular
    Hey guys. So I'm tired of being single and so far I've gotten zip from okc. So please tear my profile a new one. Durien. Thanks all!

    This couch is the comfiest!
    Street Fighter 4 (pc): sdurien
    Steam: Jon http://steamcommunity.com//profiles/76561197970923897/home
  • fortyforty Registered User regular
    TheBigEasy wrote:
    Quick question ... anybody heard of howaboutwe.com and/or used it?
    It came up a page or two back, so you might ctrl+F for it there, but there really wasn't much discussion about it. I scoped it out at home that night, but it looked like you couldn't really browse around without creating account, which I didn't bother to do.

    Patch 5.4 wrote:
    First win of the day now awards 150 Conquest Points (up from 100).
    Subsequent wins now awards 75 Conquest Points (up from 50).
    YES! I AM INVINCIBLE!
  • Cultural Geek GirlCultural Geek Girl Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Naebliss wrote:
    Hey guys. So I'm tired of being single and so far I've gotten zip from okc. So please tear my profile a new one. Durien. Thanks all!

    Ok, I'm kinda in a snarky mood today, so my apologies if any of this comes off as rude. Yes, I appreciate the irony of that in light of my posts on this page. Shut up!

    First, your profile pic is your worst pic. It makes you look like 10-20lbs heavier than any other pic on your profile, especially the way that OKCupid weirdly extra-crops it. I'm one to talk... my only profile pics are mirror photos and halloween costumes, but still!

    Somehow your introductory statement seems to say things that I think are good in a way that is entirely uninteresting. I like car trips and adventures, but your descriptions of your car trip adventures say nothing new. Either figure out some way to make it unique, or keep it short and sweet.

    Frex, the car thing could be as brief as "I really enjoy driving. There's nothing better than setting out to explore Arizona, chatting with friends while we go somewhere we've never seen before."

    Finally, you use the incorrect "your." It's "maybe if you're lucky." I know it is a stupid thing, but okcupid's weird stats thing has shown that grammatical errors vastly reduce your chance of getting replies. Honestly, the phrase "maybe if you're lucky" sounds a bit cocky anyway. I don't think you mean it that way, but that's how it comes out.

    Cultural Geek Girl on
    Buttoneer, Brigadeer, and Keeper of the Book of Wil Wheaton.
    Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
    Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
  • N1tSt4lkerN1tSt4lker Registered User regular
    Finally, you use the incorrect "your." It's "maybe if you're lucky." I know it is a stupid thing, but okcupid's weird stats thing has shown that grammatical errors vastly reduce your chance of getting replies.

    I basically don't respond to messages or profiles that have basic, but pervasive grammar problems. It's a big turn-off for me. After all, it's not like something you can't check before hitting "save" or "send."

  • Cultural Geek GirlCultural Geek Girl Registered User regular
    N1tSt4lker wrote:
    Finally, you use the incorrect "your." It's "maybe if you're lucky." I know it is a stupid thing, but okcupid's weird stats thing has shown that grammatical errors vastly reduce your chance of getting replies.

    I basically don't respond to messages or profiles that have basic, but pervasive grammar problems. It's a big turn-off for me. After all, it's not like something you can't check before hitting "save" or "send."

    I'm the same, but after talking about feeling bad when people react negatively to my profile, I didn't want to say "Grammatical errors make me want to stab my eyes out with forks."

    Buttoneer, Brigadeer, and Keeper of the Book of Wil Wheaton.
    Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
    Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Well, grammatical errors are less shallow because it's a reflection of brain power and here we all know the only shallow things are about the physical.

    So it's okay to roll one's eyes at someone who mixes "your" and "you're", but don't dare roll those eyes at someone with a fatty mcfat-fat picture! Be decent!

    Lilnoobs on
  • OrganichuOrganichu Registered User regular
    i wouldn't roll my eyes at either- i just might decide it's not for me. it's up to the individual to decide what's important to them- from writing style to sense of humor to weight to willingness to spit or swallow or whatever thing that you think is important. it doesn't matter whether other people think it's important.

    the point is that you shouldn't be an asshole about it.

    XMSODhjrer45.gif
  • TehSpectreTehSpectre Ragamuffin Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Lilnoobs wrote:
    Well, grammatical errors are less shallow because it's a reflection of brain power and here we all know the only shallow things are about the physical.

    So it's okay to roll one's eyes at someone who mixes "your" and "you're", but don't dare roll those eyes at someone with a fatty mcfat-fat picture! Be decent!
    There's only so much someone can do with looks.

    There's no real end to what you can do with your brain.

    Honestly, someone who cannot use even basic gammar is as nearly as unattractive to me as someone who cannot wash themselves properly. If they just don't care about themselves, (Mentally or physically) why should I?

    TehSpectre on
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  • Cultural Geek GirlCultural Geek Girl Registered User regular
    I'm not sure about that. There are some people who will simply never learn proper grammar. There are learning disabilities related to things like that, and someone can be perfectly brilliant but just have a weird wall in their brain that prevents them from learning to punctuate properly.

    However, other people are just lazy about it, and it's difficult to tell which is which on ye olde internet.

    I wasn't meaning to guilt trip anyone who reacts viscerally in a negative way to a profile. That particular anecdote just resonated with an insecurity I have, which lead me to share because you know... the internet. Oversharing.

    Buttoneer, Brigadeer, and Keeper of the Book of Wil Wheaton.
    Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
    Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
  • TehSpectreTehSpectre Ragamuffin Registered User regular
    Just one of my things, I guess.

    efsx.jpg
  • Caveman PawsCaveman Paws Registered User regular
    When I put effort into a message it seems to fall on deaf ears. If I just blurt out some dull old compliment and suggest coffee: instant date.

    Okay so I am basing this strictly off the last two messages I sent. It's still valid!

  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Maybe the well thought out messages seem too formulaic while the blurting out is spontaneous and exciting. One reads like a machine and one like a person.

    Of course I'm basing this off nothing but perhaps.

    Lilnoobs on
  • Cultural Geek GirlCultural Geek Girl Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    I've found fascinating people and written responses that were practically letter length... it's a bad plan. The second more-than-two-paragraph email almost always ends the conversation, which is a pity.

    Sometimes I think "I should wait six months, make a new profile, and message that person again, keeping things short, in case I screwed myself over with my flippin NOVELS." but I'm not sure if that is entering "creepy" territory.

    Edit: also, if a conversation lulls, is it acceptable to send an additional "poke" message to see if the person just wandered off for a bit? I usually just give up after the first not-responded-to message, but again... stupid paranoia don't-want-to-bother-people issues.

    Cultural Geek Girl on
    Buttoneer, Brigadeer, and Keeper of the Book of Wil Wheaton.
    Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
    Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
  • thatassemblyguythatassemblyguy Registered User regular
    @Naebliss

    Having left the market you're searching in, I'd suggest something other than OKC. For some reason OKC in "the Phoenix" isn't a decent area. pof, or match.com seem to be more densly populated.

    As for your profile, it seems that everything you've posted is decent, but in practice it doesn't scream, "Message me, i'm awesome." (Yeah, i didn't capitalize "i")

    My personal opinion, is that you could take some of the text you put in the "Self-Summary" and put it into your "What I'm Doing With My Life". Make your summary, a summary.

    I'd recommend increasing the volume of the other sections with truthful awesome stories, so that they're larger in proportion to the "Books, Music, Movies, Show, and Food" section.

    Good luck, duder.

  • SicariiSicarii The Roose is Loose Registered User regular
    Yes, yes it is.

    Unless it's for science.

    Is it for science?

    gotsig.jpg
  • HorusHorus Los AngelesRegistered User regular
    I'm not sure about that. There are some people who will simply never learn proper grammar. There are learning disabilities related to things like that, and someone can be perfectly brilliant but just have a weird wall in their brain that prevents them from learning to punctuate properly.

    However, other people are just lazy about it, and it's difficult to tell which is which on ye olde internet.

    I wasn't meaning to guilt trip anyone who reacts viscerally in a negative way to a profile. That particular anecdote just resonated with an insecurity I have, which lead me to share because you know... the internet. Oversharing.

    Thats me right there... all my life I struggle to write but I was able to make it from grammar to graduate school. The problem is in the online dating world I get insecure and don't know how to articulate myself = horrible.

    I am working on this draft and seeing if I am giving off a good vibe before I start polishing it off.

    Reviews: linky

    “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”
    ― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
  • NaeblissNaebliss Registered User regular
    Thanks all. That was exactly what I wanted, lots of things to fix.

    This couch is the comfiest!
    Street Fighter 4 (pc): sdurien
    Steam: Jon http://steamcommunity.com//profiles/76561197970923897/home
  • BursarBursar 16 tons of #9 coleslaw Registered User regular
    Lilnoobs wrote:
    Maybe the well thought out messages seem too formulaic while the blurting out is spontaneous and exciting. One reads like a machine and one like a person.

    Of course I'm basing this off nothing but perhaps.

    I've been finding the same thing. When I write thought-out messages, they're pretty encapsulated in that they have a beginning and an end, but have conversational hooks in the form of questions that are supposed to get the other person to consider what she'll say in response... if she responds at all, which has been a rather low percentage.

    In contrast, my most recent conversation (and leading up to a date) was this:
    "I was just going to click on "Save to Favorites," since it's late and I may not be exactly coherent enough to write the suave, witty opening lines I might otherwise. Yet, it hit me that if I did that, it would send you a message anyway to notify you, so I really ought to cut out the middleman and say hello myself. That explains this!"

    So what am I supposed to take from that? Thinking at all = overthinking?

    Spoiler:
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  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    Girl I messaged weeks ago wrote me back out of the blue. Writing back and forth. She didn't seem creeped out by my offer to go rafting sometime in summer, when she usually moves down here for seasonal work, so I guess that's a plus!

    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
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  • lizardlooplizardloop Registered User regular
    The past three or four conversations on okc I've had (of which two have led to dates, one would have gone a date but had just started seeing someone else and the fourth agreed to a date but dropped off the face of the earth) all started with short silly messages. Usually picking up on something in their profile. For instance one girl mentioned in her "I think a lot about" section zen buddhism. I sent her a message which basically read as "If zen buddhism is about clearing your mind isn't thinking about it a lot counter productive?". That then started a conversation about the various merits of different religions which led to the date I had earlier this week.
    Edit: also, if a conversation lulls, is it acceptable to send an additional "poke" message to see if the person just wandered off for a bit? I usually just give up after the first not-responded-to message, but again... stupid paranoia don't-want-to-bother-people issues.

    I would say it is ok. I've done this myself and it actually got the conversation going again and led to a date. At worst they'll ignore it at best it will make them think you're interested and prompt them to ask you out.

  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    CGG: Whenever I got a message from someone that didn't interest me romantically, I never rolled my eyes or felt offended. I was often surprised, though, since my profile was pretty explicit that I was athletic, planning to run a marathon, and liked activities that kept me in shape. Being messaged by women who appeared to be very sedentary and had a long list of TV shows in their profile, when mine stated that I didn't watch TV at all, made me wonder if they even read my profile.

    But even though I didn't respond, I chalked it up to them finding me attractive, which is a compliment.

    Similarly, writing a long message is not always taken poorly, but it does set up a precedent that you want a substantive response. If I write a 7-paragraph post here, do you expect someone to respond to every one of my points? Probably not. So, sending a follow-up can give them a much simpler response, which means they'll actually write it.

    That also means that it's just better to write a short & sweet message. You don't have to be amazing, but it helps to be nice. Remember that this is online dating, so it's not weird to flirt with someone. Even thinking about myself, and the messages I received, I can think of which ones I prefer. To wit:
    Hey, your cats are so cute! How old are they? And I think we like the same kind of movies. [two more paragraphs about cats and movies]
    So, this may seem blunt, but it looks like we like the same kind of movies, animals, and I think you're pretty cute. Want to watch something and play with cats at some point?

    The first message is fine, I would probably respond, but I wouldn't be very excited about it. The second message states pretty clearly "Hi, I am actually interested in you and would like to meet up at some point," It states more clearly that because we have these similar interests, we should do things together. Will that "work" for everyone? No -- some people are more comfortable building things slowly, but I think the way you write messages also communicates the type of messages you receive back. I responded more playfully to playful messages, more directly to direct messages, and more aloofly to aloof messages. Similarly, novelesque messages tend to prompt novelesque replies, which many people would not bother to write -- so you get no response at all.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    Plus, the 2nd message has some naughty inclinations. :winky:
    So, this may seem blunt, but it looks like we like the same kind of movies, animals, and I think you're pretty cute. Want to watch something and play with [your] cats at some point?

  • SkyCaptainSkyCaptain Registered User regular
    Yeah, I gave up writing long, meaningful and tailored, individual messages. Now, I just borrow that single line from the M:tG champion guy that got called out by that one wench...

    "You should go out to dinner with me this Friday.

    - Name"

    It works surprisingly well.

    The RPG Bestiary - Dangerous foes and legendary monsters for D&D 4th Edition
  • UltimanecatUltimanecat Registered User regular
    Yeah, so far on OKC, most every message I've gotten from women expressing interest in me (either generalized or the four or so seeking a random hook up) have either been from women I didn't find physically attractive, or were at least a decade older than me, or both. Some of these women I didn't quite know that I wouldn't be attracted to them until, unfortunately, we met on a date.

    Now age ain't nothing but a thing (but I don't do hookups so that ruled out the one or two more attractive older ladies), but I stress pretty strongly in my profile that I'm an active guy in decent shape with lots of physical hobbies, so I also get a bit confused about messages from women who seem less interested in that lifestyle. That said, I take the time to respond pleasantly to every message, since I figure if you're going to put yourself out there, you deserve to be acknowledged at the very least.

    Of course, in my dating life before I took it online, my experiences generally worked out that out of every five women I expressed an interest in, three wouldn't be interested, one would be insulted (ouch), and the last one would be interested enough to take it further. Just have to grow a thick skin sometimes about this stuff.

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  • EggyToastEggyToast Registered User regular
    Right. I don't think online dating is fundamentally different than regular dating. It's better in many ways, since you can know something more about a person and it's less stressful to initiate contact. But like meeting someone at a bar, or at a party, or in most any social situation where you're exposed to new people, you need to express interest. Even making the jump from "group of friends" to relationship requires someone to state they like the other person as more than friends.

    If I were to send out a message, I'd rather be more forthcoming and straightforward so it's clear that I'm saying "I like you in some way." At least then if you get shot down (or not responded to at all) it's clear that they simply aren't that into you. I mean, my girlfriend doesn't like blonde guys at all, so the world's hottest blonde guy could message her and she still wouldn't be interested. Not his fault.

    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
  • fortyforty Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    Just have to grow a thick skin sometimes about this stuff.
    Good advice.

    And 'chu, whether I articulate it or not, I can't escape my thoughts ("Don't think about elephants."), so I don't really see the point in sugar coating an internal monologue or anecdote I post in this thread. Besides, I could have been a lot more offensive if I wanted to, as the words I chose were pretty accurate.

    forty on
    Patch 5.4 wrote:
    First win of the day now awards 150 Conquest Points (up from 100).
    Subsequent wins now awards 75 Conquest Points (up from 50).
    YES! I AM INVINCIBLE!
  • SicariiSicarii The Roose is Loose Registered User regular
    I just got told that my lips have a nice shape to them.

    That's...that's not subtle.

    gotsig.jpg
  • OrganichuOrganichu Registered User regular
    forty wrote:
    Just have to grow a thick skin sometimes about this stuff.
    Good advice.

    And 'chu, whether I articulate it or not, I can't escape my thoughts ("Don't think about elephants."), so I don't really see the point in sugar coating an internal monologue or anecdote I post in this thread. Besides, I could have been a lot more offensive if I wanted to, as the words I chose were pretty accurate.

    well i understand that you can't see the point of it

    i'm telling you to try harder to see

    get some ethical glasses

    XMSODhjrer45.gif
  • OrganichuOrganichu Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    moralasik

    contethoscts

    retinal replacethicalment

    Organichu on
    XMSODhjrer45.gif
  • KMGorKMGor Registered User
    The idea that my attempt at contact, no matter how subtle, is not just an uninteresting experience but an actively unpleasant one... that bothers me. A lot. I don't want to cause someone to have an actively unpleasant experience.

    Yes, this is mostly my problem. But what is this thread for, if not to share our horrible, horrible problems?

    While it's not so great that it seems to bother you and hold you back, I'd say genuinely not wanting to give someone an unpleasant experience is a positive character trait, not a negative one. So don't worry about it *too* much.

    Just saying.

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    American beer tastes like piss.
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  • kfroosterkfrooster Registered User regular
    EggyToast wrote:
    So, this may seem blunt, but it looks like we like the same kind of movies, animals, and I think you're pretty cute. Want to watch something and play with cats at some point?

    Eggy, may I use this? I feel that my posts have suffered from boringitis.

  • lizardlooplizardloop Registered User regular
    Hi, and welcome to another Episode of "Things in profiles that lizardloop hates".

    "... oh and no one just interested in sex" followed by six pictures which tell me nothing about you other than the exact dimensions of your breasts - If you don't want to get lots of messages asking about sex then why have you posted a picture of yourself in your bra? Or leaning over towards the web cam wearing a tank top? Or from above with your arms under your breasts shoving them up and out? If you'd put up pictures of you rock climbing, or reading or doing anything other than posing like an amateur porn star then maybe you wouldn't get so many men just interested in sex. Maybe they would be interested in the things you're doing in the pictures. Gah1!!1

    Thank you, this has been another episode of "Things in profiles that lizardloop hates".

This discussion has been closed.