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Other Autopsies [Short Story 2318 Words]

WankWank Registered User regular
in The Writer's Block
Hey guys, just finished up this short story that has been banging around in my head for a while. Let me know what you think. :D

*retracted for submissions*

Wank on
I write speculative fiction, too.
• Agree Awesome

Posts

  • tapeslingertapeslinger utter Yog-Sothothery mmm, soulsRegistered User regular
    You could tighten up some of this (posting from my phone so no examples til later) but overall I think this is one of your most solid stories so far. I don't have much to suggest except maybe hint at the missing money sooner, it seems like a late addition.

    Hey! You! Go bid on awesome things! http://solidsaints.com
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  • WankWank Registered User regular
    Thanks, tapeslinger. Yeah, I went back and planted a little more about the drug bust in the opening scene. What places did you think need cuts?

    I write speculative fiction, too.
    • Agree Awesome
  • tapeslingertapeslinger utter Yog-Sothothery mmm, soulsRegistered User regular
    Oh i'm talking just minor grammar neatening up stuff, I think this story has a solid core.

    Hey! You! Go bid on awesome things! http://solidsaints.com
    jayxwolf.com || twit || fb || writing || ravelry || dA || g++
    • Agree Awesome
  • WankWank Registered User regular
    Just put up the slightly edited version, hopefully it corrects the complaints. It can be hard to strike that balance between voice and readability.

    I write speculative fiction, too.
    • Agree Awesome
  • EncEnc FloridaRegistered User regular
    This is great. Only things I noticed:

    "My grandpa says it’s easier than living with his ex-wife was" - oddly clunky next to the rest of your prose, which is wonderfully liquid. Maybe just cut the was all together?

    Maybe play up the pill bottles when you first mention them a bit more? I completely glossed over them so the final reveal was less impactful. This could just be me though.

    It's better than a lot of what gets published in my old department's annual publication. A lot better.

    "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects."
    — Robert Heinlein
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  • WankWank Registered User regular
    Thanks for the read, Enc. Yeah, I might cut the "was" or make it "ever was." Either one should smooth it out a little. Good call on the pills, too. The cigar cutter was meant to be another clue, but I forgot to call back to it.

    I write speculative fiction, too.
    • Agree Awesome
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