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Running! For fun, profit and not dying.
Once again I've decided my level of fitness is crazy for a non smoking guy my age and have taken up running. Problem is I'm not just slightly out of shape I am crazy unfit. You wouldn't know it to look at me because I'm not overweight but 10 minutes of running is enough to put me out of action for 3 days, and that's how it usually goes down. I start running, pull every muscle in my body then spend the next three days feeling like someone has worked me over with a bat. By the time I've recovered from the first days running whatever small spark of enthusiasm I've worked up for the whole affair is gone and I go back to accepting my horrible unfitness.
I need help and lots of it, my last run a few days ago left me feeling like I was going to die for a half hour after I came back. Todays run wasn't nearly as bad but only because I probably ran less than a half mile. Does anyone have any advice for getting through this starting out phase? Are there stretches I could be doing before or after? What sort of realistic goals can I set for myself distance wise right now? Any other helpful advice?
No advice is too basic or obvious here, I am a complete running noob.

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It's a lot better than just starting out with a bang and trying to make it a mile, and it helps a lot to build up to it gradually.
BattleTech campaign at: http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/169696/battletechmegamek-fight-for-gan-singh#latest
Couch to 5k is a good recommendation in your situation. Your main problem is that you're trying to run too fast too soon. Slow your roll, take it easy and give your body time to actually adjust (which the couch to 5k does a pretty good job of accounting for). Aside from moderating your run/walks to a level that won't take you several days to recover from, the next potential hurdle will be sticking with it long term. And by long term I don't mean a few months. Even if you do the couch to 5k, I highly recommend you log every one of your runs/walks (later if you're actually able to jog a couple of miles without having to walk then you don't have to worry about logging walks) so that you not only stick to a schedule, but so you can look back and see patterns. Such as how much mileage you're covering in a week or a month and how much you're increasing that over time (if you want to keep increasing it). This will also allow you to see how often you have lengthy breaks for whatever reason, whether it's due to pain or just lack of motivation. It's easier to miss this if you're not logging it and feel like you're not really taking long breaks that often, but the log will show you clearly that you took a week off running 3 times over the last couple of months and make it clear there's a problem. And don't lie to the log. Don't put down that you did a run when you were supposed to, but just didn't feel like it.
The only other thing I'll add is that if you're serious about this it shouldn't be something you get motivated to do. It should be something you do simply because it's the day you're supposed to run, motivation be damned. Looking for your motivation to run is just another way of saying you have an excuse not to run when you don't feel like it. So fuck that noise and just get out there and get those miles in even if you're not feeling it. Of course that doesn't apply to chronic pain or if you're sick.
Seconding Couch to 5k. Got me from not being able to run one mile without stopping to being able to work towards running half marathons. It guides you through working up your abilities gradually so you don't overdo it at first--a common mistake.
For what it's worth, here's what I did to get back in the game:
I bought a cheap Sansa MP3 player for about 20 dollars. It only holds a gig, but you never really need more than a gig for running. Based on the recommendations on the couch to 5k programs, I would create playlists such that each song is the same length as the jogging and walking portions of the program. That way, you get to listen to music that you like, and you know exactly when to transition from walking to running. It doesn't have to be exact, in fact, I found that doing exactly 90 seconds of jogging followed by exactly 180 seconds of walking makes it feel more like a chore than something enjoyable. Basing the transitions around music also gives you something to look forward to when the program changes, because it means you get to listen to new music as you run for longer durations of time.
Also, if you haven't been fitted for shoes at a running store yet, do it now. The people at Foot Locker will not, in general, know what you need. The folks at a running store will be able to look at both your stride and your foot to see what type of shoe is best for you. It turns out that I need a stability shoe, because of the way my arches are. I also have a tendency to roll my ankle a bit, so I need a shoe that will stop me from completely rolling it and fucking my ankle up royally. Before about a year ago, I would just buy whatever shoe was on sale, but I don't do that anymore. I use this shoe: http://triathlonlab.com/newton-motus-mens-stability-trainer.html. It isn't cheap, but it's the best shoe I've ever run in, and I would never go back to a cheaper shoe. Point is, I never would have found this shoe were it not for the recommendation of people who have been running for years and know what they're talking about. I'm not saying you need a pair of Newtons, because you may be able to get away with a cheaper shoe, but no one here can tell you what shoe will work for you. If you don't have a local running store, you can do a couple of preliminary tests to help you find a good shoe: http://www.runnersworld.com/article/0,7120,s6-240-319-326-7152-0,00.html.
I worked as a track and field/cross country coach for five years and I'm going to agree with this. Stretching is important, but what you really need to focus on is slowly getting adjusted. Limit yourself initially, the endurance will come with time. Running isn't something most people can just jump into, it really takes time and patience with your own body at first. Start out slow, take breaks as you need them, walk if you have to.
Take it easy but get some miles in. Hell, get half-miles in at first if that's all you can do without killing yourself. Get out there, but don't push yourself to the limit time after time.
And that's why I'm recommending you not play the motivation game. You just make it a rule that you run on the days you're scheduled to run (barring illness or injury of course), because the flip side of looking for motivation is that you're really just giving yourself an excuse not to do it if you don't feel like it. Do you just not brush your teeth if you're not feeling motivated? Do you only do laundry when you're motivated? You do them because you're supposed to. Same with running, if that's a goal you've set for yourself. Just do it and tell that whiny voice in your head (but it's raining!) to go fuck itself. Once you get warmed up, you'll almost always feel motivated to keep running because it feels awesome (again, once you're in good enough shape to run on a regular basis).
Thanks for the advice regarding shoes, @LoveIsUnity. I've been using my old gym shoes, but I've had leg problems in the past and now I think getting some good shoes might be a good investment.
I'll be taking the advice on the 5k playlist since I already go out there with my ipod so it should be easy. My only problem (and yes I know how retarded this is) is that I feel a horrible sense of shame if I stop jogging and go down into a walk while other people are watching (I use a path popular for joggers). But I guess I'm going to have to get over it and do the 5k plan because the truth is my body just isn't up to doing this properly yet.
Don't let it bother you. If you are starting out (or rebooting after time away) it is imperative, as mentioned above, that you take it slow. The impact and muscle stress from running can be a real shock for a system not ready for it, and that shock usually shows after well after you're done running (sit down for a little while, try to stand up, whoops, OH JESUS THAT HURTS). Alternating is a great, great way to get started. Pick yourself a stretch of distance and start walking it with blips of running. Over time, you increase that running until eventually you run the whole thing. By then you can start to get fancy like changing the distance, alternative training, or time.
Good luck. I'm heading back to the streets myself after a long hot, fat summer. =P
I felt something similar when I started going to the gym regularly - "I don't want everyone to see what a pathetic lump I am!" The trick for me was to just not give a shit. Once I stopped caring what other people were doing, I stopped thinking about them caring what I was doing. At least I was there instead of..not there
I think the trick with running is the same thing. No one's going to give a rat's ass that you're going to a walk, and within a few weeks you won't be walking much anyway.
BattleTech campaign at: http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/169696/battletechmegamek-fight-for-gan-singh#latest
I don't really get this. I used a modified version of the couch to 5k program when I started running again and was really out of shape. All you need to do is keep an eye on your watch. Supposed to jog for 90 seconds? Keep an eye on the second hand. You don't even need a stopwatch. I mean, I get that it's more convenient if you have something beep at you for each interval, but this isn't rocket science.
I don't own a watch, but i could easily buy a stopwatch. I was hoping there would be a more convenient solution as i "run" with my dog.
Is there a good MP3 editing program? I looked at one of those power hour apps, but the fitness one i bought seemed more robust. I don't want to get burned again either. I could just edit a bunch of songs and throw them on my shuffle to make up the correct time.