Motivation, specifically for personal pursuits.

Athenor

Over the last few years, I feel I've grown a lot as a person. Since graduating from university, I've gotten a really good job, moved out on my own despite the lack of a car, have started to learn how to cook, and otherwise proven myself as a worthy human. Most importantly, I've started gaining some self esteem and getting over my depression. I know I'm not all the way there yet, to be sure, but I can feel small steps starting to come to the surface.

There's just one tiny problem: While I can motivate myself relatively well for work (and indeed I am called a workaholic by my coworkers, due to my perchant for working on my off-hours and the fact I didn't take a vacation for 3 years), I find my motivation for other things being... less than stellar.

A little bit of background: I was diagnosed with A.D.D. and S.A.D. in middle school, and I definitely see the latter in myself - I have trouble when the sun goes down earlier. I'm what I would consider to be quite overweight, and out of shape - especially since leaving my retail gig for a desk job as a managed IT guy. I was the type of person who would not do his homework until right before class (if at all) and would still ace most tests. Hell, I'm famous among my friends for writing my Senior Seminar final paper, 35 pages total, front to back in 3-4 days while working and doing finals, including a 2 hour sprint right before deadline to knock out the 15 page final analysis of Earnest Hemmingway. I point this out only partly out of arrogance; mostly, I want to show how bad of a procrastinator I am, as such behavior rips me apart inside. Strangely, it seems to take the same amount of force going the other way - again, it took me 3 years straight of work (including 1 at my current job) to take a week vacation, where my bosses had to threaten to disable my account. It also took my raid officers being assholes to the raid as whole for me to finally leave WoW.

I want to enjoy life. I just don't seem to have the motivation to do it.

I know, in my mind, the simple solution: Just do it. If you do it, you'll start getting into habits, and those habits will build into a change in lifestyle. I greatly enjoyed reading the entirety of "The 1% Solution," which was cheesy but had some good messages. I took all 13 weeks of Financial Peace University (provided free from work), and go out of my way to try and participate in any activity that work offers when it comes up, save for maybe some quarterly company outings.

I most notice this problem in 4 major areas in my life:

1) Personal health. I have a horrible self image, and hate looking at myself in the mirror. I know that something as simple as walking will get me started, and I can build from there. But I see the amount of work ahead of me and cower away from it. I did manage to start walking for a few days a couple weeks back, but for some reason I got it in my mind to only do it before work, and walking at 5AM is cold, dark, and annoying when I can't get to sleep until 12-1AM. What's worse is that I desperately need to see a doctor, but I keep putting it off, citing financial issues and not knowing any local docs. I know I am at high risk for skin cancer due to childhood events, and I know I need to get my moles removed, and I am worried/scared for my health. But I can't seem to get out there and commit.

2) Finances. As I mentioned, I took all 13 weeks of Financial Peace University. I still can't sit down to write a budget. I can't even schedule a time to sit down with a coworker/boss to go over the basic concepts of budgeting. This bleeds over into cooking, where I take the path of least resistance and cost myself a ton more in money and degrade my personal health.

3) Social life. I cling to my best friend, mostly because he has a car and I don't. I want to meet more people, maybe even a significant other, but I don't know what to do with regards to finding people whose company I enjoy. I loved University, but I'd feel awkward going back there at 29, 2 years after graduating. Good God, I hate considering that I'm going to be 30 next year...

4) Writing, specifically planning for my roleplaying games. My Bachelor's degree is in English Studies. I know how to write like a motherfucker, and it's one of the few areas that I genuinely take pride in myself over. Yet when it comes time to just sit down and write, for myself, I keep putting it off or doing other shit. This is actually the reason I'm starting this thread: My players had me start running a Shadowrun campaign, and I have quite a few ideas and plot hooks and other crap all in my head, but I can't seem to get it put down to paper and stats written up. I can't even bring myself to write a journal, while a classmate/friend of mine is publishing a novel next week. A friend who once admitted he was jealous of my writing ability, no less.

A corollary to this is that I can't seem to bring myself to read novels, or play video games, or watch movies. I love doing all these activities, but I can't bring myself to do them without exerting extreme self-pressure or just saying "fuck it" and diving head in. My current mountain is A Game of Thrones, which I'm only about 35 pages into and I fall asleep when I get through about 4-5 pages.

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I am not looking for a councillor or a therapist. I've been to them before, and I appreciated the sessions, and they helped me get where I am today. I just don't have the money right now, and advice offered freely over the internet must be taken as such. What I'm looking for, more than anything, is a starting point. How do I get myself to start enjoying life? In order to conquer these problems I need to break them down into smaller chunks, but which ones? "The 1% solution" suggests making a list of small changes that will ripple out, and build from those. That's kind of what I'm looking for here. Has anyone been in this position before, of being a chronic procrastinator who gets angry at themselves for perceived failures?

... The great irony, of course, is that when I apply myself to things I'm a near perfectionist. I still think I was one of the best druids on my server in WoW (I had great teachers/mentors/friends), my coworkers love my enthusiasm and infectious happiness, and I even came in second in the office pumpkin carving contest when I have never done one before. Nevermind I grabbed the pattern after the 1 hour time limit started and I barely got the inside hallowed out the night before..

Even writing this thread I'm beating myself up for how stupid it sounds, as well as how long I've taken putting this off... I still hear heckles of people telling me to write it in my journal/blog in the back of my head. Help?

(Edited my number count on the list - I put a placeholder because I didn't know how I'd break up the list, then forgot to fix it. Jeez. Long posts FTMFW!)

Edit 2: I should probably extrapolate on what I do with most of my time. Honestly? I spend from 6-10 (or 12) just reading Penny Arcade or browsing the internet, or thinking about games to play, or possibly cooking for an hour there or so. I don't own a TV, but I suspect that if I did I'd spend my time watching that.

curly haired boy

Being online/browsing/reading stuff on the web tends to adjust your attention levels to the way the content is presented. I've found that I enjoy long-form media (games, books, movies, etc.) a LOT more when I've not gone online for a while. It really doesn't have anything to do with the subject matter, but the internet cycle of myriad teeny tiny tidbits of information can be problematic. You wind up getting a ton of great "man, i should do THAT" ideas that never get beyond the pipe dream stage because there's a new nugget of content that's gotta be processed now. A billion curiosity hooks get embedded and removed every hour.

i'd say you're not suffering from a lack of motivation so much as an overload of possibility. plans take time to come together. plans need to distill for a while with some uninterrupted thought. plans need a clean work surface if they're going to be drawn correctly.

As for starting points, try telling yourself "i won't go online/surf/mess around on the internet until blank o'clock today". this gives you the advantage of not trying to tear yourself away once you've gotten into your usual comfort zone. instead, you're merely postponing it, which is a lot easier to swallow. now you've got some time to think about what you want to do. let the idea percolate, expand - rise like a loaf of bread, if you will - and then spend some time taking a few steps to advance that goal.

another good idea is to diversify your computer usage. don't use your 'mess around online' computer for planning personal goals. you'll just get sucked into the usual routines and bookmarks. You want to do your planning/research/writing on a computer that you try to keep as default and no-frills as possible. That non-fit will help you keep focus on your task/goal.

Athenor

That actually makes a lot of sense. Admittedly part of writing all that out was to try to be honest with me, and see what percolates.

I think you just made the best justification I've ever had for getting a netbook/laptop/tablet of some kind. In honesty, that's one of the biggest problems I seem to have with my writing - I do it on my gaming computer, which tends to lead to me not focusing. On the other hand, I detest my handwriting for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is being left handed when script is designed for pulling actions (No really, I've thought about this)... Again, though, I see that as excuses in my mind.

But yeah. The disengagement idea might be what I need to do. Recently I've started turning off my computer at night so it isn't on when I wake up (it has a 5+ minute boot cycle), and I'm finding that is keeping me more on-task and on time in the morning, as well as helping cut my power bills.

curly haired boy

getting a netbook has done WONDERS for my own writing. i just turn off the wifi, sit with a glass of water, open up wordpad (no spellcheck!) and punch it out.

the key is you don't want to get comfortable. you are there to get shit DONE. it's a balance between actively discouraging yourself and getting too happy to do your task/work on your goal.

i'd advise against getting a tablet - they're practically designed for distraction with all the apps and gestures. you want an input method that's as invisible as possible.

Athenor

curly haired boy wrote:

getting a netbook has done WONDERS for my own writing. i just turn off the wifi, sit with a glass of water, open up wordpad (no spellcheck!) and punch it out.

the key is you don't want to get comfortable. you are there to get shit DONE. it's a balance between actively discouraging yourself and getting too happy to do your task/work on your goal.

i'd advise against getting a tablet - they're practically designed for distraction with all the apps and gestures. you want an input method that's as invisible as possible.

I've had my eye on a combo unit - touchscreen, fold up keyboard - that Samsung makes. runs Windows 7 too. Though like I said, I think this is the most compelling argument I've heard.

That's another problem I have, I think - a lack of adequate seating. All I have in my apartment is some incredibly uncomfortable stools for my kitchen table (covered in clutter), and a broken office chair that offers no back support unless I'm reclined 40-50 degrees, and my bed. I don't even have a chair for my balcony, despite dreaming of writing/playing games outside since I was 8-10. I miss being outside in general. Doesn't help that I'm paranoid of the world, but that's neither here nor there.

... Yeah, I'm a recluse.

Skeith

Has anyone been in this position before, of being a chronic procrastinator who gets angry at themselves for perceived failures?

Yo. Anyway, as someone who's known you for years, I think I know a trick to solving #2 for you-- I'll send it to you through Steam. Regarding #1, I'm in the exact same boat as you, in that I don't know a local doctor (and having my insurance policy change year to year is not helping that). Do you have a policy through your job? The best way to find a doctor, assuming you do, would be to ask your coworkers who they see. Again, as someone who's known you for a long time, quit beating yourself up about your image. At least half the people who visit this forum regularly have at least half a dozen things they'd change about their bodies given half the chance, even if you won't get them to admit it/ I know you can be one of the world's greatest self haters, and I'd really rather not see you get into that rut again.

useless4

Your problem is you just want an easy answer while overlooking horribly easy answers.
A netbook won't solve your writing problem if you need something as basic as a chair. Why not get a proper chair and try again with the computer you already have?

Athenor

First, Skeith, thank you for the advice. Miss hanging out with you more, you have no idea.

A big problem I have, across all aspects of my life, is that I overthink things. If I get a chair, I have to make sure it is sturdy and will support my weight so it doesn't break under me, a fear of mine nearly any time I sit down, for instance. The rational part of my brain knows that is incredibly and impossibly stupid... and then I feel chairs wiggle or groan when I sit down and they are cheap.

I'm also very good with coming up with excuses. As I said in my original post, I need some stupidly simple places to start; I recognize that these answers are easy, if I could just do them.

Iruka

I am not much of a writer, but I am certainly a work-at-home artist, and the benefits of setting up a real functional work space are pretty immeasurable. My optimal workspace is this:

-One desk for computer, with two monitors, one ALWAYS has art work or writing to get open so I will work on it, the other is for AIM/internet
-One desk (in an L formation) with a cutting mat and all my pens on it, for drawing.
-A Paper calendar where I write down everything from facebook events, to commissions, to my work schedule. Having it in front of me helps me know where I am in time better.
-A small battery powered alarm clock that is separate from my computer. It sits below my second screen so I can always see the time. This helps because I hide my task bar, and found the hours can slip away from me when I want to ignore the clock. this makes a quick time check while im on the internet almost constant, I can see the numbers change in my peripheral. Having the alarm can also be usefull, but I rarely procrastinate to the point of having to use it.
-A computer chair with a rigid back, I don't sit at my desk to lounge.

right now Im running at less than optimal because I dont have room for a second desk in my current living situation, but that setup maximizes my out put. You need to make a space that maximizes your output. Maybe that means setting up a desk away from your computer, for me the process of turning to the other desk switches my brain, but you might need a stronger trigger.

Procrastination is a process you need to train yourself out of, and its generally a semi-conscious act. You both need to be disciplined but also kinda trick yourself. For me playing podcasts while I draw, for instance, gives me the ability to take some other input and tricks my brain into thinking I'm not grinding away, but I will actually get alot done and maybe pick up 30% of the podcast. Now when I turn one on, I automatically go into work mode as a sort of Pavlovian response, and since they are an hour, they make for a nice pacer for getting up and taking a small break after listening to one. For writing I need total quiet, so I try to do this away from my computer on a crappy little laptop. I back up all my writing to a flash drive so I can also take it to a lab/library to work.

useless4

Dedicated everything - your whole being - to getting a chair right now.

Come up with two basic ideas about what your chair must have : not collapsing was one you already know, pick another

Then if you are on the internet - you better be looking at chairs, reading reviews of chairs, looking at pictures of chairs etc.

How much money do you have right now? Write it down. How much money can you give up for a chair? Write that down on a piece of paper as well.

Just taking on something as simple as a chair can blossom.
You wrote down how much money you have and how much a chair cost. Do you still want a netbook? If you subtract the previous number from the first you know how much you have. That's all it takes to get a budget rolling.

But seriously, you need a chair so make it sole life goal. It's good practice if you are feeling unfocused and can't get things accomplished. A chair is a great start.

Forbe!

I completely removed a chair from my computer set up. I built a desk that I can comfortably stand at with my arms rested for an extended period of time. I spent about $100 on it, solid oak top, no MDF or venere like most desks, and the legs/supports are built from 1 1/2" iron tubing. I developed a back problem sitting in cheap office chairs at my computer for years. Standing keeps me alert, and I actually have been losing a little bit of weight because of it (as well as getting rid of the bulk of my back problems). The desk was a cheaper solution than purchasing an expensive chair with good lumbar support. I also have a drafting chair near the desk that I use occasionally when I do need to sit for certain tasks.

The desk is very similar to this , though much taller, and built for a much lower price.

University is the great equalizer. There are plenty of people your age at uni, and those that hold it against you don't matter. While I was at school there were people twice my age enrolled as undergraduates in my program, so don't worry about it. If it is something you want to do with your life, do it, all that matters is what you want, and if it will be fulfilling for you.