Removed

ruzkin

EDIT - REMOVED FOR PUBLICATION

tapeslinger

Aaaaaaaaaaaagh I can't open .doc files from my phone! I will have to wait til I get home.

tapeslinger

ok, so far so good, I'm partway through. The voice is a little remote this time out, is that intentional, or just because this is new/non-familiar turf?

Also, not gonna lie-- eight-oh-six needs to be capitalized, or at least that's my feeling, if you're going to use it as her name in places, and it bugged me enough that I auto-corrected it manually, at least for my read-through. LOL.

It's a reasonably zippy read, definitely a little light on the detailed specifics that usually make these kinds of things go, so to speak. There are a couple of things that probably need to be fixed for detailing or whatever.

Spoiler:

I don't think I have ever heard the term "butterface" applied to a guy, that was ingenious but took me out of the story a minute too long while I thought about the implications of a well-hung guy with a, well, butterface. (basically, all of the porn industry,haha! I don't think I have ever seen such hideous-faced men in real life as I've seen in most porn that has men in it! I think it's a job requirement: must be hung like a horse, preferably with actual horse face?)

anywho
will try to make time to send you some detailed notes, what's the timeline on this?

ruzkin

Voice is always a little vague on my first drafts, and this was pumped out in record time. I'd like to get it up on the store within 7-10 days - keeping it quick and dirty.

tapeslinger

do you want me to just send you some suggested edits then? I had to copy it into a separate document because I don't use word. I should have some time for that tomorrowish.

ruzkin

When you get all the way through, yes please! Any sort of advice is appreciated, from line edits to full restructurings.

Wank

I read this. It's pretty breezy. Didn't like the "beautiful day" repetition there at the end, felt a little forced. I'm not familiar with the spy genre at all, which might be the reason some stuff came across a little hokey for me. The numbers-instead-of-names, stuttering tech guy, double-double crossing etc. occasionally seemed almost more parody than pulp.

TheBigEasy

Without having a read a single word yet ... you had me a "pulp".

I'll definitly give this a read, as I love pulp and I plan on writing some myself. I definitly think there will be a market out there for pulp novellas, since e-book seems like the perfect format for that.

Once I am home tonight, I'll read this and give you some feedback.

What are you doing for a cover? Plain text or are you trying something along the lines of the old covers of pulp magazines?

ruzkin

REMOVED

TheBigEasy

At first glance that cover looks pretty good. I'd make the "An Olesia Anderson Adventure" line a little smaller. I think the spots are fine as is, but maybe you could mix up the color scheme a little, as @tapeslinger suggested ... Other than that, I probably need to commission you for a cover as well at some point .

Wank

ruzkin wrote:

@Wank - thanks for reading. Yeah, it's derivative, but I guess I didn't realise just how derivative it was. Me and the Missus pretty much came up with the plot in fifteen minutes, so I'm not going to pretend it's any sort of even semi-sophisticated pulp. I just want something fun and diverting. That said, I'll take all your advice into account.

I don't even remember commenting in here, was hungover as balls at the time. I'm not much help with plot restructurings but I could definitely send you some line edits in a few days when exams are done with.

Magell

The sex is a little to heavily weighted toward the front of the piece in my opinion.

A biggest complaint would be that Olesia complains about getting demoted and not getting her old position back, but then she is incompetent at her job for the most part. She does redeem herself at the end, but the beginning needs to let her actually be a spy and prove she might be competent at the job and capable of spying.

I agree with Wank on getting rid of the tech guy's stutter. His job is to talk to Olesia he should be good at it by now. Especially since this job involves a lot of pressure and dealing with intense situations.

The read is fun and easy so that's good, but I definitely think that Olesia needs to seem competent earlier in the story instead of just through backstory.

ruzkin

Thanks, Magell. Will kill the stutter, it doesn't add anything. Don't know how to rebalance the sex scenes, besides trimming some from the early scene with Jean. What ways could I make her seem more competent early on?

Magell

ruzkin wrote:

Thanks, Magell. Will kill the stutter, it doesn't add anything. Don't know how to rebalance the sex scenes, besides trimming some from the early scene with Jean. What ways could I make her seem more competent early on?

Maybe coming up with a way that she is misses the target getting killed for some reason other than just because she had sex. So not more competent, but end up making her seem less negligent.