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A girl in need of Saving[first Chapter of a story]
Draft One was a whole different thing and I choose to begin earlier in the story based on suggestions from the first few comments.
Chapter One 2nd darft
Spoiler:
A girl in need of saving
Giullian's was a pub near the center of the city. It was built with a strong brightly colored wood and bricks. It sat at the crossing of two roads and its large double doors hung open invitingly. Its windows shone with Candles that gave the large interior and its denizens a healthy glow as they talked, laughed, and drank. There would be no gambling or roudy behavior. Not so close to Lurren's Tower. Indeed, it was a quite nice place to rest and congrigate. That it was also very close to the Hunters residence in the Tower making it the perfect meeting place for them.
Alexia straitened her black duster. Taking her hat off and brushing the blonde hair that had gotten free of her ponytail out of her face she gazed up at her Masters Tower. It was not the only tall black tower in the city, far from it, but it was the tallest. Set in the City's center it cast a grand shadow over the entire region. It was said from the observation room in the top floor Master Lurren could see everything across the world, through time, even into a man heart. A shiver shot through her spine. Feeling exposed she crossed through the pub's doorway. From the cold darkness to the safety of the light
It took only a moment to spot her compatriots. All wearing matching black dusters with an elaborate Golden outline of a scorpeon and wide-brimed hats. "four, and I make five" she thought releaved. Five was unusual but not altogether unheard of. What kind of mission would the Master need five Hunters for? She could not allow mercy to get in the way again. This time she could not hide it. She had fasted several day after her last mission, ,meditated for hours on the 3rd law of Lurren's Hunters "We preform his will, his will is justice" but she still fealt uneasy. The others sat at a table in the emptiest part of the pub near the back. She recodnized three of the Hunters. The other, a thin dark haired boy, must have been new. His face betrayed the eager anxiaty of the first outing.
Wayne sat at the head of the table. A long beak of a nose dominated the man's face. Much of which was covers with dirty red hair mated benieth his hat. He frowned his usual disatisified frown. His eyes were cold and disinterested. Indeed, Wayne only ever seemed alive when men screamed. Beside him sat Jim. To Alexia's surprise he did not bare the boyish smile he saved only for her. Instead he faked it. A pale imitation of real emotion. Lurren's Hunters could not marry or have children but their relationship was as close as the rules allowed. Bea, a dark skinned woman of significant heighth, seemed in good spirits as she prodded the boy with questions.
"Alexia join us" Wayne spoke like a Snake trying to spit up. He waved off a waitress who had begun to move towards their table "We won't be staying much longer" he said He grabbed a knife from the table and lightly hite it against his glass. The glass produced a high pitched note with each hit. A door to the backrooms opened and the room was suddenly filled with the sound of footsteps and heaving. The whitenoise of the Tavern goers ceased. Thano, another hunter, stepped into the room dragging someone by the Collar. Six Hunter! There was only one reason to bring six hunters together.
Wayne set a folded peice of paper on the table and asked "What is the first Law of Lurren's Hunters, Alexia?"
"To betray Lurren is the worst any man can do. Any who do so should be put to death" she answered eyes closed and shaking
"Ten days ago you recieved an assignment correct?" He did not wait for an answer instead picking up the letter and reading aloud "The Stilson family has made themsleves enemies of the state. They are to be eliminated" he looked up from the paper and continued "to the last man" She cursed the man. He spoke with such passivity. He might of been discussing the latest trade schedules for all the interest he showed. You would never know he held her life in his hands.
She had been ready to follow that order. She had taken the lives of three people that day. The boys mother, father and and older brother. She had gone looking for the last and returned to the family's bodies to find the child sitting over them. Sobbing quitely. He had looked up with those eyes, Terrified beyond words. He stared at her without hope. She drew her gun, pulled back the hammer but could not pull the trigger. She had never been asked to kill a child before. How could a child be guilty of teason?
She hadn't meant to betray her master but in the end she had just stared at the boys quite hopeless eyes. She told him to leave and never come back.
Wayne drew his revolver and aimed at her stomach. When a Hunter commits treason he or she is executed publically by five of his fellows. Nobody knows why more then one is nessissary. The Hunter to be executed never fought back. Not that anyone could remember. Some had fell to their knees and begged for forgiveness but most simply stood there and died. She could not. They would execute the boy also. They would both die and their deaths would be pointless. She didn't want to die. What other choices did she have?
As Wayne pulled pack on the hammer she drew. She didn't know why. She couldn't really shoot them but it would bye her a little time. Wayne started his eyes wide with shock. "The Hunters are your Family never fight or threaten another, save fullfilling an order of execution" he risited "Will you betray both of our most sacred laws? Put down the gun and die well Alexia"
"Alex" said Jim "don't make this harder then it has to be. Just let go" he said putting his hand on her shoulder. She shrugged it off.
Looking around the room she was releaved to see that no one else had drawn their weapon. They were stunned. Could she really shoot him? She had to diside quickly. Wayne smiled, and she knew she was in trouble. "you will not shoot me. I will give you one more chance to die properly"
The sound of the boys chocking echoed through the speechless room. All eyes were on her. She took a deep breath and held her stance. Wayne's smile grew broader "Thano" he wispered "kill the boy"
"NO!" she screamed
Thano grabbed for his revolver and put it against the boys head but before he could pull the trigger Alexia slammed her shoulder into him. He grunted and all three fell to the ground. She pulled herself up enough to see the boys face. He was safe. She could get them out of this.
The sound a gun makes is loud. Almost incoprensible in its thundering helter Skelter. A single gunshot seems to crack time and space in two. For a moment everything is silent. As if all the sound in the world had been been used up. Everything changed. One moment there had been this boy young, alive and in danger. Action needed to be taken. The next moment the boy was no more. A slab of flesh lay where he once was and now there was nothing to be done.
It rested in the same position he had been. On his stamach with arms in postion to pick himself up. The look of releif he had was frozen on his face. She was going to die just like him. Wayne stood about five feet away in a slopped posture his gun smoking. He smiled. She had always hated his smile. What they did was nesissary but to enjoy it so much seemed obsene and now that the smile was meant for her she realized it was much worse. How could Lurren allow a man like Wayne to serve him? Lurren was perfect. “His will is justice” but this wasn't justice was it? What had the boy done to derserve death? His parents had been dissenters. That was the answer she'd been given but it wasn't good enough. What of her execution? Wayne enjoyed it. He did not kill her because it was right but only because it would bring him pleasure. If she deserved death he should not be the arbiter of that.
“going to shoot me again, hm?” he mocked as she held her gun up. “but I'm still hurting from the last time you didn't shoot me” Wayne lurched back as the bullet made contact with his stamach. He fell backwards into the table knocking it over. Drinks came splashing down and glass shattered. Alexia was well and truly in it now. She had done the unthinkable. There was only one crime worse then attempted murder against another hunter and she was about to do that too.
She ran out through door Thano came through. There would be a backdoor she could get out from. The other three had finally woken from their stupor and drew their guns. Two gunshots rang out around her just as she passed the doorway into the storage room. She colided with the backdoor turning the door knob and bursting through. She closed the door behind her and took in her suroundings. A rancid smell overcame her as she glanced at the dark filthy alleyway. The right side would take her back to the front of the pub so she went left. She got about half way out of the alley before the door opened behind her. She drew both Revolvers and fired two shots from each. Thano lay motionless on the ground. A hand protruded from the doorway and fired blindly missing her. She kept running and reaching the alleys end turned right.
From behind her she heard a bang and felt a great pain in her left arm. She dropped the gun in that arm and faught back tears. Turning around she aimed and emptied the cylinder but heared no gunfire from her enemy. She wiped the tears from her eyes and saw clearly the person she had just shot. It was the new boy. He had hesitated when she faced him. It had been only a moment but that had been enough. She ran.
She zigzaged all through the city only stopping when she felt sure they had lost her. Panting in another alleyway she looked up at the sun. They would expect her to head north and steal a horse from a stable. From there she could escape the city and run to another town but she knew there was only one place that could offer sanctuary from Lurrens eye. Her personal horse rested in a ranch at the southeast. Impracticle a stop if your destinination was north but she would head instead to the desert in the south.
Chapter One Outline
Spoiler:
Alexia is a member of Lurren’s Hunters. She has been trained from childhood to kill and is given a variety of assignments from her dark master. Recently she was given a mission to kill a family of dissenters. When she arrives to accept what she thinks is her next assignment she finds her indiscretion was discovered and she is to be executed. One of the main goals for this chapter is to get across that she has been heavily conditioned and brainwashed to the point that she has to fight just to rebel rather than lay down and die. Her mercy for the boy opened the crack and this chapter isn’t the end of it. She escapes out the back, steals her Horse out of the stable and heads for the one place her pursuers might not follow.
The biggest problem with this story is 'she.' It's an 800 word story where 'she' shows up more than 50 times. It's 1/16th of your words. That's not good.
Secondly everything is so vague in what we are shown and it makes it hard for the reader to connect with anything. The horse is the only thing you name and you should be naming everybody unless there is a reason to hide the names, and I don't see one in what you've given us so far. Also you have some words that seem to be randomly capitalized. At least I can't find a reason that "oppresive," "obsidian," or "tower" should be capitalized.
You throw the reader into the story in media res but you do it too late so everything that makes the scene exciting already happened. Especially since when you have 'she' contemplating all the crimes she committed it makes her unsympathetic. While she may be in the right we don't know that and you're not really telling us either. If you want to start in the action it has to be at the beginning of the escape where she kills people.
She left the city as the sun split the sky and earth with the start of day.
This line reads weird as I assume the sun is splitting sky and earth in the sense that it is separating them, but it would fit better to say "She left the city as the sun broke the horizon and provided the first light of the day."
There is lots of editing that can be done in this piece to tighten up the writing, but it also needs to be longer for a first chapter and needs to give a hook that interests the reader in the main character.
I generally agree with Magell, though I'll (slightly) disagree that you can start post-escape if it's true both that what happened is a mystery for relevant reasons (and by "relevant" I don't just mean "mysteries are mysterious!"), and that something interesting and exciting is happening right away. I don't know if the first is true, though I suspect not. The second definitely isn't - she rides her horse for a long time and then the horse dies and then she gets delirious and passes out. While these are fine plot points, they are lousy hooks, and what you need at the start of a story is a good hook.
What Magell says about starting with the escape? It's good advice and I would probably go with it. I only brought this up because it's technically possible that there are good reasons to be vague and mysterious.
As to the "she" business, yeah. There are some brilliant writers out there who have the stylistic chops to pull off not giving us any names in the first 500 words and make it work. As far as I know, none of them are posting stories to TWB, and that includes you. Give us a name. If her real name is something secret for some reason, you still need to give us something to call her. If she doesn't know her name, tell us that and call her "the girl" and be done with it, but you're being too coy about it.
Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
Maddie: "I am not!"
Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
Maddie: "I am a placental mammal!"
I was sort of aping the beginning of Stephen Kings "Gunslinger" with the whole not naming anything business. I guess it doesn't work well. I'll try again with the names added and I'll try and use "She" or the characters name left. I'll post a synopsis in a bit about what I want to do with this story because I'm not sure where to start. The next chapter was going to be an "interrogation" between her and her rescuers where her past would be discussed.
The thing is I feel worried about exposition. The setting is Western with fantasy elements and I don't wanna pommel the reader with exposition in the first chapter. I'm not really sure how to get around that.
EDIT:Oh and sorry about the random caps. I have a tendency to capitalize important words. I don't think about it. It just happens and sometimes I don't catch it.
The opening to The Gunslinger works because "The gunslinger" counts as a name for these purposes. We just need a noun to wrap around this person.
As far as worrying about exposition, that's another good reason to start in the midst of one of your interesting scenes rather than after it. Instead of telling us about what happened via exposition, you're just showing us what's happening in real time. Flashbacks also work as a narrative device, you just need to be careful not to use them in confusing or annoying manners.
I will say that if this is a book-length work, and if you're going to be telling us all about the crimes she just committed in the first ten pages anyway, why not just open with her committing at least some of them? I'm not sure exactly what the timeline is supposed to be, but if it's like Commits Crime -> Decides She Needs To Escape -> Escapes, just relate all that. It might also help establish sympathy for this alleged criminal by showing her motives.
It seems like you have an interesting story to tell, and just need to figure out a way to tell it in an accessible manner. I would recommend you go with straightforward over fancy and nonlinear unless there's a compelling reason for the latter. Otherwise you wind up being JJ Abrams and every goddamn episode of your show starts with some misleading action scene and then THIRTY-SEVEN HOURS EARLIER... and then I will hate your stupid face and yell about you to my wife.
Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
Maddie: "I am not!"
Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
Maddie: "I am a placental mammal!"
Ok I tried to follow the advice and did a new first chapter set before where I started. Its ending up pretty long so I picked a place to stop and am posting that for now. Having reread it before posting it I can already tell I'll need to rework it a little but I want to get some input from what I've got.
Spoiler:
Giullian's was a pub near the center of the city. It was built with a strong brightly colored wood and bricks. It sat at the crossing of two roads and its large double doors hung open invitingly. Its windows shone with Candles that gave the large interior and its denizens a healthy glow as they talked, laughed, and drank. There would be no gambling or roudy behavior. Not so close to Lurren's Tower. Indeed, it was a quite nice place to rest and congrigate. That it was also very close to the Hunters residence in the Tower making it the perfect meeting place for them.
Alexia straitened her black duster. Taking her hat off and brushing the blonde hair that had gotten free of her ponytail out of her face she gazed up at her Masters Tower. It was not the only tall black tower in the city, far from it, but it was the tallest. Set in the City's center it cast a grand shadow over the entire region. It was said from the observation room in the top floor Master Lurren could see everything across the world, through time, even into a man heart. A shiver shot through her spine. Feeling explosed she crossed through the pub's doorway. From the cold darkness to the safety of the light
It took only a moment to spot her compatriots. All wearing matching black dusters with an elaborate Golden outline of a scorpeon and wide-brimed hats. "four, and I make five" she thought releaved. Five was unusual but not altogether unheard of. What kind of mission would the Master need five Hunters for? She could not allow mercy to get in the way again. This time she could not hide it. She had fasted several day after her last mission, ,meditated for hours on the 3rd law of Lurren's Hunters "We preform his will, his will is justice" but she still fealt uneasy. The others sat at a table in the emptiest part of the pub near the back. She recodnized three of the Hunters. The other, a thin dark haired boy, must have been new. His face betrayed the eager anxiaty of the first outing.
Wayne sat at the head of the table. A long beak of a nose dominated the man's face. Much of which was covers with dirty red hair mated benieth his hat. He frowned his usual disatisified frown. His eyes were cold and disinterested. Indeed, Wayne only ever seemed alive when men screamed. Beside him sat Jim. To Alexia's surprise he did not bare the boyish smile he saved only for her. Instead he faked it. A pale imitation of real emotion. Lurren's Hunters could not marry or have children but their relationship was as close as the rules allowed. Bea, a dark skinned woman of significant heighth, seemed in good spirits as she prodded the boy with questions.
"Alexia join us" Wayne spoke like a Snake trying to spit up. He waved off a waitress who had begun to move towards their table "We won't be staying much longer" he said He grabbed a knife from the table and lightly hite it against his glass. The glass produced a high pitched note with each hit. A door to the backrooms opened and the room was suddenly filled with the sound of footsteps and heaving. The whitenoise of the Tavern goers ceased. Thano, another hunter, stepped into the room dragging someone by the Collar. Six Hunter! There was only one reason to bring six hunters together.
Wayne set a folded peice of paper on the table and asked "What is the first Law of Lurren's Hunters, Alexia?"
"To betray Lurren is the worst any man can do. Any who do so should be put to death" she answered eyes closed and shaking
"Ten days ago you recieved an assignment correct?" He did not wait for an answer instead picking up the letter and reading aloud "The Stilson family has made themsleves enemies of the state. They are to be eliminated" he looked up from the paper and continued "to the last man" She cursed the man. He spoke with such passivity. He might of been discussing the latest trade schedules for all the interest he showed. You would never know he held her life in his hands.
She had been ready to follow that order. She had taken the lives of three people that day. The boys mother, father and and older brother. She had gone looking for the last and returned to the family's bodies to find the child sitting over them. Sobbing quitely. He had looked up with those eyes, Terrified beyond words. He stared at her without hope. She drew her gun, pulled back the hammer but could not pull the trigger. She had never been asked to kill a child before. How could a child be guilty of teason?
She hadn't meant to betray her master but in the end she had just stared at the boys quite hopeless eyes. She told him to leave and never come back.
Wayne drew his revolver and aimed at her stomach. When a Hunter commits treason he or she is executed publically by five of his fellows. Nobody knows why more then one is nessissary. The Hunter to be executed never fought back. Not that anyone could remember. Some had fell to their knees and begged for forgiveness but most simply stood there and died. She could not. They would execute the boy also. They would both die and their deaths would be pointless. She didn't want to die. What other choices did she have?
As Wayne pulled pack on the hammer she drew. She didn't know why. She couldn't really shoot them but it would bye her a little time. Wayne started his eyes wide with shock. "The Hunters are your Family never fight or threaten another, save fullfilling an order of execution" he risited "Will you betray both of our most sacred laws? Put down the gun and die well Alexia"
"Alex" said Jim "don't make this harder then it has to be. Just let go" he said putting his hand on her shoulder. She shrugged it off.
Looking around the room she was releaved to see that no one else had drawn their weapon. They were stunned. Could she really shoot him? She had to diside quickly. Wayne smiled, and she knew she was in trouble. "you will not shoot me. I will give you one more chance to die properly"
The sound of the boys chocking echoed through the speechless room. All eyes were on her. She took a deep breath and held her stance. Wayne's smile grew broader "Thano" he wispered "kill the boy"
"NO!" she screamed
Thano grabbed for his revolver and put it against the boys head but before he could pull the trigger Alexia slammed her shoulder into him. He grunted and all three fell to the ground. She pulled herself up enough to see the boys smiling face. He was safe. Hee was-BANG
I posted my complete chapter 1 in the OP. Already I can tell it will need a lot of revision. I'm trying the convey that the Main character is fighting against a strong brainwash but it feels just fragmented and confusing. I don't think I really "earned" her turn from being unwilling to fire on a hunter and then doing so.
I really want to improve a also complete this story. Its been in my head for awhile and they think it will be worth reading once I get it right. Thing is I'm not really sure how to get there you know?
ComradebotLord of DinosaursHunts Vegas, TXRegistered Userregular
I'm not a fan of the pacing. You are. Constantly. Stopping for. All the punctuation. Not saying you should be William Faulkner and have a run-on that lasts for a couple pages, but I find it makes it hard to get a good flow going as a reader.
After the first two paragraphs your writing is way too stattaco, and you've got some tense shifting going on. I stopped after the fourth paragraph. There are so many spelling errors going on and the tense shifting is brutal. All of the spelling errors are pretty basic. A lot of what is going on is an info dump as well. Relate the description of the bar to Alexia entering it.
roudy - rowdy
releave - relieve
mated - matted
And there are several others as well.
Also you need to put spaces in between the paragraphs so I can read it. You definitely need to do a full rewrite because this is worse than the first version.
Sorry about all the spelling Errors. I'll do my best to fix that tomorrow as well as the tense shifting. Then I'll work on making it more natural and taking out the info dumps.
This has some momentum, and it's clear that you're stretching your limbs a bit and that's great.
You said you didn't want to name too many things all in the first chapter, and I think this's also great -- though certainly not the only approach, I tend to like starting stories off painting some of the broadest pictures possible. But you do name things, a lot of things: Lurren's tower, Hunters, the Master, her meditation skills, and the 3rd law, all in the first paragraph. And while these things might have meaning to you, and they might be important to the story, for your readers, you're asking us to trust you: if we memorize these (to us) meaningless names and ideas specific to this world, you will fill in the lines for us later and explain why we should have cared in the first place.
This is not a good way to start off your story: you're trying to get me interested, and throwing names to try and paint the picture of this cool world in a few seconds isn't going to do it. It's a hard balance between saying too much and too little, but I always say "detail detail detail": instead of telling us about Hunters, tell us about the women and men walking into the bar -- what they're wearing, how they walk, if the atmosphere of the bar changes, for examples. If you can tell us, "These guys are important and you should be paying attention to who they are and what they mean in this world," without even giving them a name, then when I finally get a name, I won't have to worry about whether it's an important thing to remember or not.
If you've already got a name for yourself, and if I've learned to trust you as an author, I'm willing to do a lot of work for you -- and while this is often times not the way to go, you can do some cool things with it. But you can't expect the average reader to work very hard at all. Your world can't provide the engagement: your narrative has to do that first.
GotrM15 on
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Gotr of Vatik
Scholar by day, rogue by night.
"If all I ever got was one shot, I'd still never blame fate."
Registered User regular
Posts
Secondly everything is so vague in what we are shown and it makes it hard for the reader to connect with anything. The horse is the only thing you name and you should be naming everybody unless there is a reason to hide the names, and I don't see one in what you've given us so far. Also you have some words that seem to be randomly capitalized. At least I can't find a reason that "oppresive," "obsidian," or "tower" should be capitalized.
You throw the reader into the story in media res but you do it too late so everything that makes the scene exciting already happened. Especially since when you have 'she' contemplating all the crimes she committed it makes her unsympathetic. While she may be in the right we don't know that and you're not really telling us either. If you want to start in the action it has to be at the beginning of the escape where she kills people.
This line reads weird as I assume the sun is splitting sky and earth in the sense that it is separating them, but it would fit better to say "She left the city as the sun broke the horizon and provided the first light of the day."
There is lots of editing that can be done in this piece to tighten up the writing, but it also needs to be longer for a first chapter and needs to give a hook that interests the reader in the main character.
{Twitter, Everybody's doing it. }{My Rambling Blog}
What Magell says about starting with the escape? It's good advice and I would probably go with it. I only brought this up because it's technically possible that there are good reasons to be vague and mysterious.
As to the "she" business, yeah. There are some brilliant writers out there who have the stylistic chops to pull off not giving us any names in the first 500 words and make it work. As far as I know, none of them are posting stories to TWB, and that includes you. Give us a name. If her real name is something secret for some reason, you still need to give us something to call her. If she doesn't know her name, tell us that and call her "the girl" and be done with it, but you're being too coy about it.
Maddie: "I am not!"
Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
Maddie: "I am a placental mammal!"
I was sort of aping the beginning of Stephen Kings "Gunslinger" with the whole not naming anything business. I guess it doesn't work well. I'll try again with the names added and I'll try and use "She" or the characters name left. I'll post a synopsis in a bit about what I want to do with this story because I'm not sure where to start. The next chapter was going to be an "interrogation" between her and her rescuers where her past would be discussed.
The thing is I feel worried about exposition. The setting is Western with fantasy elements and I don't wanna pommel the reader with exposition in the first chapter. I'm not really sure how to get around that.
EDIT:Oh and sorry about the random caps. I have a tendency to capitalize important words. I don't think about it. It just happens and sometimes I don't catch it.
My Band "The Wicked Girls" http://soundcloud.com/the-wicked-girls/sets
As far as worrying about exposition, that's another good reason to start in the midst of one of your interesting scenes rather than after it. Instead of telling us about what happened via exposition, you're just showing us what's happening in real time. Flashbacks also work as a narrative device, you just need to be careful not to use them in confusing or annoying manners.
I will say that if this is a book-length work, and if you're going to be telling us all about the crimes she just committed in the first ten pages anyway, why not just open with her committing at least some of them? I'm not sure exactly what the timeline is supposed to be, but if it's like Commits Crime -> Decides She Needs To Escape -> Escapes, just relate all that. It might also help establish sympathy for this alleged criminal by showing her motives.
It seems like you have an interesting story to tell, and just need to figure out a way to tell it in an accessible manner. I would recommend you go with straightforward over fancy and nonlinear unless there's a compelling reason for the latter. Otherwise you wind up being JJ Abrams and every goddamn episode of your show starts with some misleading action scene and then THIRTY-SEVEN HOURS EARLIER... and then I will hate your stupid face and yell about you to my wife.
Maddie: "I am not!"
Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
Maddie: "I am a placental mammal!"
Alexia straitened her black duster. Taking her hat off and brushing the blonde hair that had gotten free of her ponytail out of her face she gazed up at her Masters Tower. It was not the only tall black tower in the city, far from it, but it was the tallest. Set in the City's center it cast a grand shadow over the entire region. It was said from the observation room in the top floor Master Lurren could see everything across the world, through time, even into a man heart. A shiver shot through her spine. Feeling explosed she crossed through the pub's doorway. From the cold darkness to the safety of the light
It took only a moment to spot her compatriots. All wearing matching black dusters with an elaborate Golden outline of a scorpeon and wide-brimed hats. "four, and I make five" she thought releaved. Five was unusual but not altogether unheard of. What kind of mission would the Master need five Hunters for? She could not allow mercy to get in the way again. This time she could not hide it. She had fasted several day after her last mission, ,meditated for hours on the 3rd law of Lurren's Hunters "We preform his will, his will is justice" but she still fealt uneasy. The others sat at a table in the emptiest part of the pub near the back. She recodnized three of the Hunters. The other, a thin dark haired boy, must have been new. His face betrayed the eager anxiaty of the first outing.
Wayne sat at the head of the table. A long beak of a nose dominated the man's face. Much of which was covers with dirty red hair mated benieth his hat. He frowned his usual disatisified frown. His eyes were cold and disinterested. Indeed, Wayne only ever seemed alive when men screamed. Beside him sat Jim. To Alexia's surprise he did not bare the boyish smile he saved only for her. Instead he faked it. A pale imitation of real emotion. Lurren's Hunters could not marry or have children but their relationship was as close as the rules allowed. Bea, a dark skinned woman of significant heighth, seemed in good spirits as she prodded the boy with questions.
"Alexia join us" Wayne spoke like a Snake trying to spit up. He waved off a waitress who had begun to move towards their table "We won't be staying much longer" he said He grabbed a knife from the table and lightly hite it against his glass. The glass produced a high pitched note with each hit. A door to the backrooms opened and the room was suddenly filled with the sound of footsteps and heaving. The whitenoise of the Tavern goers ceased. Thano, another hunter, stepped into the room dragging someone by the Collar. Six Hunter! There was only one reason to bring six hunters together.
Wayne set a folded peice of paper on the table and asked "What is the first Law of Lurren's Hunters, Alexia?"
"To betray Lurren is the worst any man can do. Any who do so should be put to death" she answered eyes closed and shaking
"Ten days ago you recieved an assignment correct?" He did not wait for an answer instead picking up the letter and reading aloud "The Stilson family has made themsleves enemies of the state. They are to be eliminated" he looked up from the paper and continued "to the last man" She cursed the man. He spoke with such passivity. He might of been discussing the latest trade schedules for all the interest he showed. You would never know he held her life in his hands.
She had been ready to follow that order. She had taken the lives of three people that day. The boys mother, father and and older brother. She had gone looking for the last and returned to the family's bodies to find the child sitting over them. Sobbing quitely. He had looked up with those eyes, Terrified beyond words. He stared at her without hope. She drew her gun, pulled back the hammer but could not pull the trigger. She had never been asked to kill a child before. How could a child be guilty of teason?
She hadn't meant to betray her master but in the end she had just stared at the boys quite hopeless eyes. She told him to leave and never come back.
Wayne drew his revolver and aimed at her stomach. When a Hunter commits treason he or she is executed publically by five of his fellows. Nobody knows why more then one is nessissary. The Hunter to be executed never fought back. Not that anyone could remember. Some had fell to their knees and begged for forgiveness but most simply stood there and died. She could not. They would execute the boy also. They would both die and their deaths would be pointless. She didn't want to die. What other choices did she have?
As Wayne pulled pack on the hammer she drew. She didn't know why. She couldn't really shoot them but it would bye her a little time. Wayne started his eyes wide with shock. "The Hunters are your Family never fight or threaten another, save fullfilling an order of execution" he risited "Will you betray both of our most sacred laws? Put down the gun and die well Alexia"
"Alex" said Jim "don't make this harder then it has to be. Just let go" he said putting his hand on her shoulder. She shrugged it off.
Looking around the room she was releaved to see that no one else had drawn their weapon. They were stunned. Could she really shoot him? She had to diside quickly. Wayne smiled, and she knew she was in trouble. "you will not shoot me. I will give you one more chance to die properly"
The sound of the boys chocking echoed through the speechless room. All eyes were on her. She took a deep breath and held her stance. Wayne's smile grew broader "Thano" he wispered "kill the boy"
"NO!" she screamed
Thano grabbed for his revolver and put it against the boys head but before he could pull the trigger Alexia slammed her shoulder into him. He grunted and all three fell to the ground. She pulled herself up enough to see the boys smiling face. He was safe. Hee was-BANG
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I really want to improve a also complete this story. Its been in my head for awhile and they think it will be worth reading once I get it right. Thing is I'm not really sure how to get there you know?
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roudy - rowdy
releave - relieve
mated - matted
And there are several others as well.
Also you need to put spaces in between the paragraphs so I can read it. You definitely need to do a full rewrite because this is worse than the first version.
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Thank you guys so much.
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You said you didn't want to name too many things all in the first chapter, and I think this's also great -- though certainly not the only approach, I tend to like starting stories off painting some of the broadest pictures possible. But you do name things, a lot of things: Lurren's tower, Hunters, the Master, her meditation skills, and the 3rd law, all in the first paragraph. And while these things might have meaning to you, and they might be important to the story, for your readers, you're asking us to trust you: if we memorize these (to us) meaningless names and ideas specific to this world, you will fill in the lines for us later and explain why we should have cared in the first place.
This is not a good way to start off your story: you're trying to get me interested, and throwing names to try and paint the picture of this cool world in a few seconds isn't going to do it. It's a hard balance between saying too much and too little, but I always say "detail detail detail": instead of telling us about Hunters, tell us about the women and men walking into the bar -- what they're wearing, how they walk, if the atmosphere of the bar changes, for examples. If you can tell us, "These guys are important and you should be paying attention to who they are and what they mean in this world," without even giving them a name, then when I finally get a name, I won't have to worry about whether it's an important thing to remember or not.
If you've already got a name for yourself, and if I've learned to trust you as an author, I'm willing to do a lot of work for you -- and while this is often times not the way to go, you can do some cool things with it. But you can't expect the average reader to work very hard at all. Your world can't provide the engagement: your narrative has to do that first.
Gotr of Vatik
Scholar by day, rogue by night.
"If all I ever got was one shot, I'd still never blame fate."