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Trenches comic: Thursday February 2, 2012 - Translation
Presented to you without edit or comment.
02/02/2012 - Anonymous
I was testing this great game that I couldn’t tell anyone about cause it’s super confidential and I’d get in a lot of trouble, but then I was like “shit, I can’t believe these poor bastards are trusting me with this kind of knowledge.” Because you see, if a game leaks outside of our “secure” area it could conceivably destroy the testing company’s reputation and no game developers would hire them anymore and like a large amount of people would be out of a job… then I thought WOW they must be paying me a shit load of money to keep this big ass important secret to myself, oh no wait, such is not the case in fact they’re only paying me a dollar over the minimum wage… fucking bullshit man, A DOLLAR OVER MINIMUM WAGE!!!!
I know testers that can’t afford to go to the dentist, OK? I mean their teeth are literally disintegrating and falling out of their little gamer mouths daily while they brush like rabid dogs desperately trying to keep a few chompers to eat their cat food with, but I’m sad to say they’re losing the war man. If this shit is really all that important shouldn’t we be making like international spy money and shit? I mean sometimes I feel kind of like a spy… like a really poor and out of shape spy that doesn’t have any cool gear or gadgets and lives at home with his parents.
Like, for instance, what would happen if I were to get kidnapped after work on my way home and I was forced to tell them everything I’ve been up to… or be tortured?! There’s no way I’m getting tortured for a dollar over the minimum wage. I’d crack in a heartbeat.
Just sticking to a diet is like impossible for me, let me make this clear. I literally have no will power which is why I ended up as a tester in the first place. The second these guys whip out so much as a comb or anything they could possibly poke or prod me with, that’s it for me. “Sorry boys, I gave her all I could but this time the terrorists have won.”
That’s a lot of shit to put on a guys shoulders for a dollar over the minimum wage, I could be flipping burgers and not have to worry about getting snatched up like a kid who never says no to candy. In fact I probably would be flipping burgers if I wasn’t the lazy disgusting fuck I’ve turned into. I still vaguely remember what manual labor feels like… I used to work in a kitchen. It’s hot, there’s all kinds of crap piling up, people constantly asking you for crap, “where’s my salad, where’s my chicken fingers, my table has been waiting for over an hour.”
HEY MAN I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN OK, I’M SWEATING LIKE A GODDAMN STUFFED PIG BACK HERE. That shit just ain’t for me.
People always complain about being a games tester and that the job’s too boring or repetitive. See the thing is we always get asked, “Do they actually pay you guys to play video games?” but the thing is, we aren’t playing the games… we’re testing them. And there’s a huge difference, like running into walls for 8 hours straight, then when you’re about to leave they ask you to stay for a double and you’re like “another 8 hours, huh? Same task, huh? Well then I’ll just get back to it then… unless of course you want to tell me where they keep the loaded gun in this office so I can blow my GODDAMN BRAINS OUT.”
But the sickest thing is for most of us that still seems a hell of a lot better then having to break a sweat doing any job that requires moving. We will accept poor wages, constant boredom and endless sea of bullshit just as long as we don’t have to move.
And that my friends is the life of a tester, sign your kids up now and they send you a lousy $15 dollars with the referral program yippeeee.