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Awesome: 'Fighting For Food (Fantasy, 4,000+ words)' by Magell
likes this Post written by Magell
about a year ago
"It may not have been ego-stroking, but I appreciate the honest critique."
You have to change the name of your main character as 'cholo' is a racial slur towards Mexicans, and while you may pronounce it differently that's my first when reading the story.
You are telling too much and not showing enough. Don't tell me the main character's kids resemble twigs describe what they look like and how it hurts him.
This doesn't work as a short story at all. You need more information almost everywhere. The jumps are too big of jumps and miss too much detail that needs to be there to establish what is going on. The beginning scene needs to have more within the village as everybody is experiencing the hunger, and once the Elvish ambassador shows up there needs to be a meeting of tribal elders or something. A tribe is ruled by people it's not just going to let everybody raise their hand and go to war. Some people are going to have to stay at the village to protect it and keep attempting to hunt. You also need to create more characters among the tribe to fight alongside the MC.
In the gap between the first two scenes you should show them going to the Elven homeland and noting the differences between that place and the MC's homeland. Who else composes the fighting force? What kind of training do the Elves give them? What is their plan for battle? There are a lot of questions and the way the attack on the Orc's plays out it makes the Elves look incompetent not arrogant. Their plan of attack is to literally walk the road to the Orc village and attack it. Presumably with the column of troops lined up on the road.
They were men almost as towering as elephants.
This sentence means nothing as towering doesn't give me a real description. Do you mean tall? Then it gives it more concrete detail, but it's more of an impression. I'd go with saying a number or relating it to the MC more instead of something that we haven't seen in the story.
the top of the creature's head would barely reach up to an adult woman's nipples.
Say chest or breasts. Nipples is a weird description to use.
The fight needs to be described more physically and a little less with just how he feels. I'm going to rewrite three paragraphs for you.
An orc was heading towards him with its ax raised right now. Chollo was tempted to run, but he was blocked by fellow soldiers and more orcs. He was trapped. Praying silently to the ancestors for luck, he thrust his cowhide shield in front of him. The orc's weapon struck the shield so hard that it tore through it. Now Chollo, to his own horror, was without protection.
The human warrior recoiled. His attacker swung its ax at him twice but both times he ducked out of its movement arc. Now that he was low, Chollo thought he could perhaps trip the brute with a jab to its foot. As he drew his spear back for momentum, the orc sent its foot crashing into his abdominals. Now the human was on his back with pain burning in his torso.
While Chollo wrestled with his agony, his opponent lifted its ax up again. Seeing such an enormous figure about to kill him from low on the ground struck him with enough terror that it spurred him into rolling away before the ax-blade could cut into him. Chollo then shot up onto his feet. Now he was in a good position to attack the orc's flanks. Feeling empowered, he lunged towards his enemy with spear forward. It was an unpleasant shock for him when the orc shoved its buckler into his way and blocked the spear's point.
An orc charged at Chollo with his ax raised. He wanted to flee, but he was blocked in. With a silent prayer he lifted his cowhide shield in front of him and blocked the swing, although the ax tore through the material and when the orc drew his ax back the shield went with it. Chollo ducked two more swings of the ax his spear useless in providing any defense. He jabbed with his spear, but the orc spun to the side and delivered a stiff kick to his midsection sending him to the ground. Chollo fought through the pain to roll backward and avoid an overhand blow from the ax. As the orc attempted to free the ax from the ground Chollo moved to his side and shoved the spear into the ribs of the orc. The orc roared in pain then swung the ax with a flat attack that Chollo ducked. He drew a dagger from his belt and climbed up the orc using the spear as a handhold and shoved the blade into the orc's eye. The opponent collapsed to the ground and Chollo pulled the spear out of the orc's side and went to help his tribesmen.