I didn't want to hijack Dakata's thread.
Gonna try not to LiveJournal all over this, so bear with me if it ends up being too vague. ;D
So! I've been depressed for years. The trigger was the usual teenage relationship stuff, but I never got over it. May last year I finally manned up and went to a doctor. It was pretty painless, I told him I was depressed, he said cool and hooked me up with Citalopram. That worked great for a few months, up til September where I wasn't feeling the effect anymore, and got put up to a higher dose. That stopped working in Dec and I couldn't get out of bed in time for the checkup appointment, so I stopped taking it altogether. And when I stopped taking it... I felt no different to when it had 'worn off'. So I felt all vindicated in thinking I was fine without it.
I don't exercise anymore, eat my body weight in junk food, watch TV all day and night, and sleep in late.
Thing is, I think I'm actually OK with the general misery and apathy. That whole feeling was the reason I went to the doctor last year, but after I stopped taking it, I started wondering if it's so bad. I still function, I haven't failed out of university yet, I am great at nursing. So maybe the way I feel is normal? I feel complacent, I don't really care about changing the way I did last year. So yeah, full relapse.
The other thing is, I can't trust people, at all. This is going back to the teen angst, but on the rare occassions I fall into a relationship, I destroy it in days
. I can't not think that whoever I'm with is using me, that they're gonna cheat on me. Even my best friends have no idea what's going on with me, cause there's no way I can tell them any of this stuff. Is there any way to, I dunno, overwrite this whole distrust thing?
This has all gone a bit aimless and rambley, so I guess I need a summary!
Does treatment for depression aim to leave a person feeling good, or is this as good as it gets? Is there any reason to try treatment again, after failing the first time? And is there anyway to change my stupid mindset on relationships?