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Having trust issues.
Magus`
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Long story short, my girlfriend of half a year was found to be cheating on me. I won't get into the details and they whyfors (hell, I'm not even sure why, but I digress). The issue is that after being lied to (not just being misled, but full on lied to) I'm having a hard time trusting the things other people say, especially women.
Now, don't get me wrong. Logically I know this is dumb - what one girl did has no bearing on what other people will do. I know it's dumb and yet.. it still happens. Where once I could forgive someone forgetting to do something or keeping a promise as just being forgetful, now a part of me keeps feeling like there was something more insidious. I'm often up at night going over the days events and how maybe something seems off somewhere. I keep telling myself that people aren't lying to me and yet.. I can't shake it.
I know this will undoubtedly pass with time, but I'm in a part of my life right now that I cannot afford to be distracted by such things. I'm losing sleep and hardly eating and that is not good when you're constantly looking for work. Once again I know my issue is my own and it's 'dumb' but it's still an issue and I really want to fix it.
Thanks.
Now, don't get me wrong. Logically I know this is dumb - what one girl did has no bearing on what other people will do. I know it's dumb and yet.. it still happens. Where once I could forgive someone forgetting to do something or keeping a promise as just being forgetful, now a part of me keeps feeling like there was something more insidious. I'm often up at night going over the days events and how maybe something seems off somewhere. I keep telling myself that people aren't lying to me and yet.. I can't shake it.
I know this will undoubtedly pass with time, but I'm in a part of my life right now that I cannot afford to be distracted by such things. I'm losing sleep and hardly eating and that is not good when you're constantly looking for work. Once again I know my issue is my own and it's 'dumb' but it's still an issue and I really want to fix it.
Thanks.
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As for the "long tail" of these feelings, it's boring to say so but it's very normal to have these feelings stick with you. For comparison, my wife and I agreed to divorce last Spring, and even though it was amicable, I am more standoffish and independent-feeling in my current relationship. I feel like my approach to things I like are in a take-it-or-leave-it mindset, and that things that bugged me in my marriage stand out more in my new relationship, even though it's a different situation and a different person. For example, I did about 90%+ of the cooking while married. Now, I do about 85%, and sometimes I still think that I'm being taken for granted. Yet, my girlfriend often offers to help, will happily cook things that she has in mind (instead of asking me to make her recipes), and is amazingly good about dividing the work. I told her just last week that when I'm cooking and she's sitting on her computer, I feel like I'm just working with no help. Yet, afterward, she's cleaning the pots & pans and I'm just sitting at my computer. I told her that, and that it's something I need to sometimes remind myself about.
In other words, it's very easy to get caught in a similar mindset even with new people. It's sort of a "spoiled innocence" thing, really. Before, you didn't assume someone would cheat on you. Now that someone has, you assume that people are going to cheat on you, and you anticipate it and look for signs. Why? Because it sucked! And you're trying to avoid something sucky happening again.
There isn't a foolproof way to fix it, though. For me, I take a deep breath and think, reminding myself to give people the benefit of the doubt. You're probably giving yourself anxiety over this, and you may need to incorporate some relaxing things into your life. Maybe take part of a day to exercise, or chill out?
These feelings will pass once you have a good bit of emotional distance between yourself and the relationship so that you no longer feel preoccupied by the question of why it happened, at which point you'll realize that the lowest common denominator isn't you, it's her.
Oh and I didn't mention but I have fairly severe 'general anxiety disorder'. I'm on meds for it though.
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I think what a lot of people get caught up in is this belief that they "missed" something when a relationship goes bad, like it was within their ability to control and prevent the situation. This is just what works for me, so ymmv, but just accepting that you have no control over whether a person lies or not, and that being in a relationship means accepting being vulnerable to those potential lies, helps not let old baggage get in the way of a new relationship. It sounds like you are trying to guard yourself against future hurt, but that generally results in causing more problems than it prevents.
To be fair, there seems to be this silly belief that the person who falls for a lie is the stupid one in a relationship. This is so many levels of goosery that trying to logic through it just hurts my head. Try to think of it like, "Sure, I will be trusting and that makes me easy to lie to. If a person decides to do that, then they must be remarkable stupid and short sighted, because I am awesome." It will still hurt, but in the long run you will be the one in a healthy, honest relationship and they will still be lying/paranoid.
Not saying to advertise yourself as an easy target or anything (don't take the previous advice to an extreme), but once you decide to look for or enter in to a relationship with someone, you are only doing yourself a disservice if you aren't willing to put yourself out there.
And honestly, if you are not ready, then go it alone for awhile. It sounds like you have plenty to keep you busy, so just focus on your work, hobbies, friends, and your own needs (the internet can help with that last one).
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1) She's young. Not pedo-young, but just south of being able to legally drink. I knew this might be an issue, but she was the one who went after me and hell, she seemed mature at the time.
2) She told me that she 'wasn't good at being serious'. Note, this was after I found out she was cheating, not something I knew of going in. I'm easy going, but not THAT easy going.
3) Her apology was off. Not as if she was giving me total bullshit, but it came off as confused and incoherent at times. Like a kid knowing they did something wrong, but not quite understanding how serious it was. She even tries to talk to me still like we're friends. I'm polite, cause that's who I am, but I usually avoid her if I can.
4) I don't have a lot of friends, but they're fairly close, so when I found out, so did they. Problem is (and this could be MY problem) is none of them even so much as gave her a cold shoulder. Now I wasn't expecting them to be dicks for me (hell, I'd prefer they didn't), but if someone I know was cheated on, I'd probably not be all friendly with the girl/guy who did it. It's probably stupid, but yeah, it bugs me.
5) I was a good BF and I don't blame myself. I mean, maybe I do partially, but I sure am not beating myself over it. It, like someone said is, I'm mad that I didn't pick up any clues. I'm not a dumb man, but I was also trying not to be that overbearing BF who wants to know where you go and what you are doing RIGHT NOW. I'm wondering if perhaps I should've been a bit more cynical?
Thanks again for the words of help, BTW. I'm already feeling better.
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right now actually. My girlfriend met some
guy and was seeing him, I had to find by checking her phone (i'm 21 by the way). It's pretty lame and makes you feel like everyone has that sinister side but it's not really the case.
But yeah just wanted to say I'm having to do the same thing right now. It's not so bad being on your own though dude, since we broke up I've been the most productive I've ever been in my life.
Since you're unemployed and have no girlfriend, you should take this opportunity to build a new skill or something in your life. You could learn to draw/play an instrument, you could learn to do anything. I have found those creative outlets to be what really shelters me in difficult times.
For me, once I accepted that I would NEVER no why she did it and that we would NEVER be friends, it became a lot easier.
Dude it's easy to paint this mental picture of her as a saint that slipped up, but don't do that. It's easy to be in a relationship when things are happy sunshine, but when the chips were down and temptation came around she cheated on you, man. Fuck that. That is the action you should judge her on.
I've had an ex who wanted to try and be friends after cheating on me. Told me all the time we spent together would be wasted if we couldn't be friends. That's bullshit. You don't have to hate them or be mean and vengeful. But removing them from your life will work wonders.
Pretty much the only thing you can do about it is what you're doing. Every time you catch yourself getting into a bad line of thought remind yourself that your current gf is not your ex, she's an individual and deserves a clean slate. One thing I found worked really well for me was to tell myself "I am not going to give her the satisfaction of allowing her shitty influence to ruin my relationships with other women", that way whenever I found my thoughts going to a place they were best not going to, I just reminded myself that I was giving her power over my life. So if you want to be mad at her, which you have every right to be, you can do something healthy with it. The best way to spite her is to be the best bf you can be in your next relationship to show her just what she has missed out on.
It really helped to put things in perspective for me and I hope it will for you too.
He lives on as cheezburger grease in our hearts.
I don't have a lot of relationship experience to comment on most of the issue here, but I do have enough experience with betrayal to talk about the quoted part. It's perfectly natural to think this way. It sounds like you want moral support from your friends, and you don't think you're getting it. I've felt the same way. But having also been on the other side of the issue, I can say it's not easy to burn bridges on behalf of someone else.
Just don't try to get them to turn on your ex, because most likely, they'll turn on you instead. I'm sure you know all this already, but I just want to affirm that you're not alone in feeling this way.
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Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
Try not to think too hard about it. I've been in one rough situation and even now I rub a lot of girls off the wrong way. Understand that it's natural. Once you get burned you'll tend to back away from anything that's remotely hot. Do understand that this is just an isolated situation as many posters have been trying to say above, and that chances are the next girl won't do the same thing to you again.
I wish you again the best of luck...
also.. to cheer yourself up.. watch 500 days of summer
Now, I don't have much in the way of advice for your trust issues, unfortunately. I've been there, and it sucks, and while it took me no time at all to get over the person, it took me a long while to get over the trust issues. I really wish I went to a therapist though. If you have health insurance, or if you're in college, I really suggest seeing one. If not, then it's just good old fashioned time.
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Also I was under the impression that 500 Days was a downer movie. D:
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I can't recommend you watch 500 days of summer at all. The themes in the movie are likely to make you feel worse right now. On top of that, frankly I just think it is a pretty poor movie.
Please try and eat. After my shitty break up, I had zero appetite for a month, didn't force my self to eat, and lost 40 pounds in a superbly unhealthy way. It got to the point where I ate so little, I lost feeling in my foot for a couple of days. I didn't even know that was fucking possible. Force your self to eat food through out the day.
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You have been thoroughly destroyed by what happened recently.
You need to get yourself back together man. Build yourself back from ground up and hang on to anything that you still have left before the rest of your life falls apart. It's not easy and I won't lie. Just take everything step by step and and take every little progress as encouragement.
It's also a good time to find out who your true friends are and who'll still have your back when things get rough. Paid back those people that helped you and cut the rest; remember what people did for you during these times and act accordingly.
I think this would be easier if I had a job, but I was recently turned down, again, for an entry level minimum wage job for no given reason. Past relationship issues and financial troubles are not an easy pill to swallow, I must say.
I'll get better, I know I will, and I appreciate people sharing their personal experiences with me. Oddly enough I ran into a girl I hadn't seen in a year and she's been very understanding and easy to talk to, unlike my other friends who haven't really said or done much. She's gone through the same thing so it's good to have someone to talk to face to face. Now if only I could find a job. D:
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Do you friggin' work for Fox Searchlight or something? Did you write the screenplay? Why is this your cinematic panacea for relationship threads?
Financial troubles aside, between your relationship troubles and job search troubles, I could picture you feeling like you're in a sort of a cycle of rejection. Just try to keep in mind, dude, that it's not a reflection on you personally. Particularly on the job front. If there was one opening and 20 equally-qualified applicants, 19 people had to be told no even if they did everything right. This time, you were one of them. Eventually, you won't be.
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I'm also cutting off ties with a couple of my friends who, despite the fact that they know I'm attempting to keep my distance and am not feeling great still feel the need to ask me to come to places with them and my ex, like we can all still be friends. I've been nice about it, patient even, but it's fairly obvious they're even stupid or uncaring about my feelings and quite frankly I don't have the patience for it.
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Lawyer Up.
Delete your Facebook.
Hit the Gym.
Join a credit union.
This will get you through it - laugh all you want. I'm not even a Y, and it worked for me.
The way I got over my experience was to first cut ties (It's a bloody tough thing to do, innit?), pick up an interest (hobby) and exercise like a madman. Also, take the high road. Don't sink to a level where you are hating the person who did this to you.
You'll probably get to a stage where you can trust people easily , but whether you can trust someone in a committed relationship again is a different matter (I cant seem to do it yet).
Then over the years, I sorta reacquired my friends (they'd all split from each other, gone off to Uni, that sort of thing) I got into college, then Uni, I even got a girlfriend.
Then in Dec my ol' best friend started going out with the girl that broke me all them years ago. He said "sorry bro, thought you wouldn't mind, that was years ago!" and tadah, I feel like that stupid teenager all over again. I need plenty of help with this too.
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Steam Profile | Signature art by Alexandra 'Lexxy' Douglass
But also talk to a doctor if you are unsure.
Get tested. Get good with YOU. Then, get back out there.
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