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Dealing with the loss of my dog.

billwillbillwill Registered User regular
edited February 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
So, I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here.

Monday morning, around 3am, my dog passed away. She had deteriorated rapidly approximately twenty four hours prior, and we took her to multiple vets and ultimately left her at one overnight in a last ditch effort to try and bring her back. It obviously didn't work. We were called by the veterinary assistant who monitors the place at night at 2:45am, saying things had gone south really fast (even though the treatment seemed to be working at first) and to get there as soon as possible because he didn't think she had long. Unfortunately, she died while I was driving there.

Her name was Bud and I had her for fourteen years. I have a very small family (just my mother and an eccentric aunt on the other side of the country that I never see), so Bud had a huge role in my life.

The thing is, I'm not responding the way I thought I would. For the past few years, whenever I thought of life without her, I would start welling up. And, to be sure, on Sunday, before we brought her into the vet, I was sobbing and saying my goodbyes to her at home. But so far since I found out yesterday morning, over thirty six hours ago, I haven't broken down. I'm definitely sad, especially when I'm sitting down and I think I hear her walk into the room, but I'm glad she's not in pain anymore and I'm glad her death was quick. Other than that, though, I've been operating relatively normally at college and work. Perhaps it hasn't sunk in? The only acting out I've done is Monday morning, while brushing my teeth, I got very angry and punched a hole in the wall, but that's it. And this is making me feel very guilty. I loved her so, so much, and I feel like I'm, I don't know, being disrespectful to her memory by not being near catatonic, you know? I've always been stoic, but I thought this would be something that would break me down.

My mother is taking it very hard, constantly crying and such, and she's already talking about getting another dog. We know that no dog will every possibly replace Bud, and we're not looking for one to do so, but I think my mom might be rushing into it, right? I know she misses having something to come home to, as do I, but that doesn't feel like the right reason. Plus, it feels like a disservice to Bud to even be entertaining the notion of another pet.

I'm sure many of you have gone through this sort of thing before. Any general thoughts or advice will be much appreciated. Thanks.

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billwill on

Posts

  • NylonathetepNylonathetep Registered User regular
    People express grief differently and you can't be kicking yourself for not expressing it in the way that you feel you should.

    However if you do want to feel sad... watch "Marley & Me". Guarantee you'll feel like crap afterwards.


    Time cures everything. However chances are you'll never ever want to have a pet ever again.

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  • EshEsh Tending bar. FFXIV. Motorcycles. Portland, ORRegistered User regular
    Time cures everything. However chances are you'll never ever want to have a pet ever again.

    This isn't true at all. When a friend dies, do we decide to never have friends again? I've never heard of anyone swearing off pets after a loved companion dies.

    My cat who I had for 11 years was hit by a car and passed away that night. The next day the cashier at Whole Foods asked how I was doing and I started doing that hiccuping sob thing IN LINE in front of like 20 people. I couldn't even talk about it for several weeks without getting teary-eyed. A month later I had adopted another cat and it was one of the best things I could've ever done to help me get over the grief. I in fact have two cats now.

    I still miss that guy, but I realize that life goes on. Nothing could replace him, but I'm not trying to replace him. They're not objects. They're my little furry friends. They're all different and great in their own ways.

  • JinnJinn Registered User regular
    I love my dog more than literally every single human being I know. I don't think there is anything at all wrong with being 'stoic' and functional in this situation especially if your mother is taking care of the hysterics... You remaining stable will help her. The thing I love about my dog is he's dependable; I always know what to expect from him-- love. He's not crippled by the intricacies of human emotion, he just knows love and hunger and the satisfaction of dropping a giant turd. There's a lesson there though. Love the dog, cherish the memory, but move along and spread the love. I think a new dog is a great idea. Channel the love Bud taught you into a new life. Keep the cycle going. The great tragedy of owning a pet is their inevitable passing. But it's entirely possible to put a positive spin on it and eventually process it on a level that allows you to take it as a learning experience that ultimately makes you a better person. Don't go catatonic. Chin up, brother.

  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    You should definitely get another dog if that's what you want, but give it some time. Make sure you're getting another dog because you're ready for the company, and not to trying to get your old dog back.

    If it's your mom's dog, well.. maybe she's just ready. Some people just feel like they will move on easier with new company.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • .red.red caffeine IV Drip CanadaRegistered User regular
    I had the same situation happen back on the 12th of January this year. My family and I have lived alone in Canada for just around 20 years - everyone outside of our immediate family (that is, parents, brother and I) live back in Europe. We had a small poodle/terrier who was about 17 years of age before she keeled over. She had moments where she would get deathly sick, but bounce back the next day - but the more this happened, the worse it got and by the end of it all, we had to put her down. We've not known family really (well my brother and I), so we definitely took it like a bombshell. I can't say for sure, but with your situation I'd say it's somewhat similar to my own in that you're so busy with life, you don't have time to let it sink in. I mean, in your head, you know it's happened, but you haven't had proper time to take the time aside and remember your pup.

    It'll start with little things; like you said, you think you hear your pup walking into your room but then it just goes quiet. We have hard wood and I'm in the basement, and our dog would make these small pattering sounds every time she walked along that floor and I could hear everything from the basement - the days after were just depressing because every time I heard that sound from upstairs, I would only remember that it was no longer her. And everyone made that same connection in the house.

    You'll notice those things and eventually, it should probably catch up with you. It may feel like you're doing her a disservice now (just as you've said), but your feelings are genuine - you miss your pup regardless of the face that others can see on the outside.

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  • GonmunGonmun He keeps kickin' me in the dickRegistered User regular
    My deepest condolences for your loss billwill.

    I myself have lost quite a few pets over the years and it never gets easier. As far as what you are feeling now you may be in a bit of a state where it hasn't fully sunk in, or, on the flip side you may actually be moving on quicker then you expected. Regardless the next few days I would try and reflect a bit on the positives you had with Bud. Like people, it's always good to help grieve when you can remember all of the good times you had and know that even though they may be gone, your pet, your friend, would have had those memories too and no doubt felt joy from them as well.

    Something that Jinn brought up that I sort of wanted to expand on as well. While I think somewhere down the line it would be very much a positive to perhaps look at another dog by all means don't rush into it (Not to say that Jinn was insinuating that). Take some time, then when you feel comfortable maybe look at perhaps getting a new dog should your circumstances allow and you feel like you would want to. I think that would be a fitting memorial to Bud, to share the love you had for her and ensure that your friendship and love carry on to be felt by another dog in the future.

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  • Hahnsoo1Hahnsoo1 Make Ready. We Hunt.Registered User regular
    edited February 2012
    I'm sorry for your loss. I lost a pet cat in July. Even now, when I think about her, I start welling up with tears. They are truly special friends. It affected me harder than I think it should have, because I was her primary caretaker for a whole month before she went, and I tried so hard to keep her alive. The December after she died, I thought I was over it, but then a good friend who is also an artist made a rendition of her on a Christmas ornament for us, and all the emotions just came rushing back, and I broke down and cried.

    I lost a dog, the family dog, earlier in my life. He died of chronic heart disease, and we knew he was going to die for quite some time before he went. Up until the end, he was a good dog. I wasn't there when he died, but I was told that on his last day, he begged to go outside, went to the bathroom, then came back in, curled up in his little bed, and went quietly in his sleep. When he first got sick and had a seizure, I was a bit of a wreck, but after 4 or 5 months of the "deathwatch" where he just refused to die (and acted like an active happy dog who just needed medication), I think I made my peace with it. When he died, I had tears, but the grief wasn't nearly as deep or hard as it could have been.

    With these two pets, I had very different grief responses. I loved them both very much, but each time you lose a friend, it is unique.

    You should get another dog or cat or some other pet. But give it some time. My girlfriend and I waited for 6 months before we got a new cat (who is wonderful, lovable, and friendly), and we felt that was the "right" amount of time for us. I would wait as long as you feel necessary.

    Hahnsoo1 on
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  • admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    My family had two cats for 16 years that we lost within a month of each other. The first one, Figaro, went very suddenly. I noticed he was getting skinny and inactive, and a few days later he was gone from kidney failure. I was a complete mess for days. The second one, Anna, went much slower (also kidney failure.) With her, I was sad for the whole time while she was deteriorating, but when she went I was just kind of dulled. I definitely mourned her, but I was never fucked up like I was with Figaro. And, if anything, I was more attached to Anna.

    Grief is weird. That's all I've got.

  • Psychotic OnePsychotic One The Lord of No Pants Parts UnknownRegistered User regular
    When I lost my dauchsound I shut down emotionally for a few months. The day of and the day after I was completely distraught. I wouldn't suggest looking for a new companion but definately give a bit of a griefing period, say six months, before "replacing" your lost pet. If you just jump into a new friend you might not be ready for the new relationship so to speak but definately do not close your heart to such a thing. After losing my precious Lady Bug I thought I'd never find the companion I found in my current friend in Pepper, (short for Jalopeno pepper as she is a Chihuahua). Grief is a wierd beast. it maybe that you've already accepted the fact that your dog will perish and have moved past the mourning period. But when you think you are ready do not think you are not past the point of accepting the love of a rescue or a puppy. They do help make your day feel more complete.

  • SkeithSkeith Registered User regular
    Some people bounce back quicker than others. For me the time leading up to it was worse except for like... one day immediately after.

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  • Dark_SideDark_Side Registered User regular
    I lost my dog October of last year. It was easily one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. We had lost a lot of dogs growing up, and I had never reacted like I did when I lost Marley last year. I was a wreck. But I was a wreck because he got so sick, so fast, and no one could figure out what was wrong with him. He'd howl in pain during the night and pace around the house because he was in too much pain to lay down. Then it got so he was having trouble standing up, and I had to make a decision to put him to sleep, because I was so afraid he'd pass away alone and scared while I was at work. It wasn't a noble death, and I still wonder today if I made the right decision, while missing him terribly. Had he been old and lived a full life, I think my grief would have been different.

    But I took some time, and eventually opened up my arms to a new rescue, who I adore, but will never replace Marley. You just have to take it one day at a time, and feel how you're going to feel, don't force it, or think you have to feel a certain way. I never knew when I was going to break down sobbing that first week after he passed, it might all hit you at once, or it might never really hit, either way, it's ok.

    If you are really bothered by this though, I know a lot of ASPCA's do group therapy sessions for people who have lost pets.

  • GnomeTankGnomeTank What the what? Portland, OregonRegistered User regular
    edited February 2012
    I lost my beloved Pembroke Welsh Corgi last August, and I am not ashamed to say I was devastated. An absolute wreck. I cried for three days straight, and I never cry. It was very sudden, and he was only five. He was staying with my sister while I moved across country, and that made it much worse, because I wasn't there to hug him and say goodbye and tell him everything was okay, that I didn't leave him behind because he was a bad boy (this particular aspect killed me, I had a lot of guilt).

    The first thing is that no dog will ever, ever, ever, ever replace that dog. I could buy a hundred Corgi's tomorrow, none of them would ever be Kodi. The next thing to remember is that you will always have that dog in your heart. I think about Kodi every day, but now the tears have been replaced with smiles. I remember all the awesome times we had together, how he was my buddy, day and night, always with me.

    One of the things that helped me a lot is that my wife had a photo book of him printed up for me, with pictures from the time he was a puppy until right before he passed. At first, it hurt to even open it up, but I did, almost every day. Now I open it and smile, and I get to relive all those moments we had together. I also have a memory box for him, where I keep that book, his collar, his leash, his door bells and one of his toys. It sounds sappy and stupid, but I find them comforting things to have.

    Someday I'll honor his memory and rescue a Corgi from the local rescue, but I'm not there yet. I know I would put too much pressure on the new dog to be Kodi, and that's not fair to it. Give it some time, but as others have said, you should eventually get another pet.

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  • billwillbillwill Registered User regular
    Thanks guys.

    It's been hitting me in bits and pieces. The worst was a few nights ago, when I was thinking about how she used to follow me into my room at night and sleep in my bed, and the thought suddenly popped in my mind that maybe I could see her again, but in a dream, you know? And I would actually think I was holding her again because my brain would believe it. That thought got me so excited, and after a few seconds of that, I started sobbing. Just the thought of seeing her again, I guess.

    I don't know if this is weird or healthy, but when it's late at night and everyone is already asleep, I'll still sort of act like she's around. Like when she was alive, and I was brushing my teeth, I would almost always walk out of the bathroom and pet her for a few minutes while I was doing it. And even though she's not here now, I'll sometimes still sit next to where she usually lounged and pet the air where she would be and imagine her response.

    Honestly the pain isn't subsiding (though it has only been a week and a half). I can push it out of my mind when I'm in class or working, but it surfaces with the same intensity every night for a few moments. I hope it passes.

    Thanks again.

    I hate you and you hate me.
  • ComradebotComradebot Lord of Dinosaurs Houston, TXRegistered User regular
    I feel it. I had a red Australian shepherd when I was growing up, up until I guess early high school. Damn good dog, even ripped the shit out of the kid that use to bully. Basically, the kind of dog any boy should have the chance to grow up with.

    And one day I came home from my dad's house to grieving faces and got the news that my stepdad went outside and found Sami huddled under the porch, basically waiting to die. They took her to the vet and were informed that her entire body was just filled with tumors, and she slipped away while she was there. Absolutely crushed me.

    But, that was some years ago. My family has since brought a couple of new dogs into the household, and we love them just the same. Still haven't forgotten the old dog, nor will I ever, but it's a price you pay for being a dog lover. You're probably going to outlive them, that's part of the deal. But just because you loved one dog doesn't mean your home shouldn't be open to giving another animal a good life in it later.

    And in time the pain will pass, I promise. Just gotta keep on with your life, it's how grieving works.

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