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Bonfire [SciFi Flash 588 Words]

WankWank Registered User regular
in The Writer's Block
So I haven't produced anything in quite a while. Trying to flex the old writing muscle with a scifi vignette. Tear it to shreds!

*retracted for submission*

Wank on
I write speculative fiction, too.
• Agree Awesome

Posts

  • QuothQuoth the Raven Miami, FL FOR REALRegistered User regular
    I think you overtalk in the middle, a bit, with all the justification parts, but it's creepy and the voices are consistent. Trim that stuff and you should be good to go.

    “Hic non defectus est, sed cattus minxit desuper nocte quadam. Confundatur pessimus cattus qui minxit super librum istum in nocte Daventrie, et consimiliter omnes alii propter illum. Et cavendum valde ne permittantur libri aperti per noctem ubi cattie venire possunt.”
    vis a tergo | Blog | Twitter | Blip.fm | Dropbox
    • Agree Awesome
  • WankWank Registered User regular
    I did a bit of cutting, how's it look now?

    I write speculative fiction, too.
    • Agree Awesome
  • QuothQuoth the Raven Miami, FL FOR REALRegistered User regular
    I think this could even be cut more:
    “So many of them will die,” out-thought the apprentice, and the Heretic felt irritation. But this was why he had grown the apprentice: troubleshooting.

    “We cannot bind ourselves to such a small scale,” out-thought the Heretic. “What we do is for their benefit. The populations here will suffer, but in a thousand years they will sing to us. Better to await the universe's end in company.”

    Maybe like:
    “Still, so many?” out-thought the apprentice, and the Heretic felt irritation. But this was why he had grown the apprentice: troubleshooting.

    “What we do is for their benefit,” out-thought the Heretic. “In a thousand years they will sing to us. Better to await the universe's end in company.”

    “Hic non defectus est, sed cattus minxit desuper nocte quadam. Confundatur pessimus cattus qui minxit super librum istum in nocte Daventrie, et consimiliter omnes alii propter illum. Et cavendum valde ne permittantur libri aperti per noctem ubi cattie venire possunt.”
    vis a tergo | Blog | Twitter | Blip.fm | Dropbox
    • Agree Awesome
  • WankWank Registered User regular
    Thanks, Quoth. Going to polish it up a little more and start looking around for flash markets.

    I write speculative fiction, too.
    • Agree Awesome
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