So, this is an alt. I hope it's forgivable in this instance. This isn't easy for me to talk about.
I suppose I'll give a brief(or maybe not, I'll try) description of what's going on with me.
I'm 31 years of age, I've been dealing with mental health issues since I was around 14. These issues involve depression and anxiety to varying degrees at different times in my life. I stopped going to school in grade 9, this is when everything sort of broke, my parents divorced, my grandparents died, and I was bullied somewhat significantly at this time. So, I just gave up I guess, staying home and watching television and playing video games. All of the artistic talent I'd developed as a child fell away from me as I became more and more disconnected. I wound up at an adolescent mental health facility, which ended up being more like a doping farm than a treatment facility. All that I really gained during that time was the new found experience of substance abuse and like minded tortured youthful souls to share in my mental confusion. When I was 18, I had to leave and next ended up at an alternative high school. By this point I was only able to see delinquency(for want of a better term) as the best option, I tried to fit in with the ne'er do wells, and ended spending my days hanging around the inner city area getting high and fucking around. At the age of 21 I had to leave without graduating and stayed with my mother, essentially doing nothing for around four years. No friends, no social connection, nothing. I was almost totally disconnected from anything outside of my house. I'd worked the occasional entry level job, sparse though these occasions may have been. Only ever for a few months anyways, I just couldn't deal with it. At the age of 24-25, I went to an adult education facility and spent the next few years finishing my high school. At 27 I decided to enroll in university, the fine arts faculty in hope of reconnecting with my creative ambitions and talents. I took it slow, dropped a few courses as the stress from my mental health couldn't bear out a full course load. It was alright for the first few years.
I'm not sure why, but around the age of late 29 into 30 I've (again)become terribly depressed, anxious, disconnected(I feel a lot of symptoms of depersonalization). I feel like a prisoner in my own mind, in a sense. I have a desire to write and photograph, it's the only aspect of life that gives me any enjoyment.
Lately however, even that has become dulled into diminishing return. I can't exert any internal validation for the work I do, confidence is slipping away. I can't give myself much positive feedback, it's never good enough. My motivation is almost non existent. It's like I don't even connect to reality, like I'm in a haze, or still not quite awake. I can 'spend' the day doing nothing sometimes, but it's like I'm not even aware. I'm still lucid in intervals throughout, but it's so sporadic it makes it exceedingly difficult to get anything done. Sometimes I don't even eat during the day, as I'm unaware of physical hunger until it's really prominent. I feel repulsed by myself in the mirror, even though I am complimented on my appearance by others. It's sort of like my mind is becoming very solipsistic, even though I'm an avid rationalist. I don't have any distorted perceptions or delusions about the physical nature of reality, but I am getting ever more disconnected from it viscerally speaking. I am losing all interest in social connections. In my classes, during crit sessions, I just feel resentful, my internal frustration is displaced on those around me, even though they've done nothing wrong. I don't think I'm hateful, but I'm losing touch with a positive outlook on socialization. Seeing as I have a desire to further develop my writing and photography abilities in hopes of career oriented goals, this doesn't bode well. I feel resentful even of becoming more involved in the social aspect of these things. It all seems like such a farce.
Everything seems too futile, I'm 31 and it feels like I'm too far behind in life to ever accomplish what I'd like to. This all just seems like such a overwhelming force that I cannot overcome. It seems that I'm mentally stripping away the barriers of fear before the end of my life. I'm beginning to see this end as not so negative. Since I can't experience death as an event, my cessation of existence won't bear any pain to my person. I don't even feel like a person most of the time. I look at my body sometimes and don't feel a natural connection, like I'm watching this body, but my mind is somehow a separate entity. Even though I don't believe in that kind of dualism. It's all just adds on to the stress I'm already feeling from the depressive mood/state I'm usually in.
I've attended therapy sessions through the university, as they don't charge. I went through three people and most of them seemed somewhat inexperienced(they were grad students), and while nice in that it was someone to vent to, it hasn't really alleviated the deeper problems going on here. I've went to groups, and it always ends up the same. Slight degree of positive effect, but nothing long term. I obtained a community mental health worker, but he treated my affairs fairly lightly despite explaining this to him. All he did was refer me to some job assistance programs, 2 of which didn't even end up dealing with mental health disability. I'm just at a loss as to what to do, it's really frustrating, and making me really resentful to the mental health system. I am lacking in some essential life skills, and I don't know how to just get them, or whatever. I don't know. I feel so very confused with all of this. It's beyond reason. The struggle does not seem worth it. It's been 16 years. If all I have to look forward to is another 16 or more, I just don't really want to go through with it all.
I hope this wasn't too lengthy or rambling. Maybe I need to vent, I don't know. I just can't see anywhere other than down. Over the last six months or so, I've been visualizing different methods of suicide, as if I'm trying to ease myself into the the option that's right for me. I still want help though, but I don't know what to do. I can't even sleep a lot of nights.