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Relationship Ending Woes

Ziac45Ziac45 Registered User regular
edited April 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
I debated whether or not to post this but I feel I could use some outside perspective on things.

Recently, as in last month, my girlfriend of four years dumped me during a particularly turbulent time in my life due to family and personal issues. This hit me incredibly hard, not to say I didn't deserve it I was not the best boyfriend. But I have to say this hit me unduely hard due to my personal situation outside of her. It's led to a deterioration in everything I've been doing and a lack of will to do a whole lot else (Lead to me dropping 3 of my classes and not going to any of the classes I kept). I wake up with every intention to do so and then just don't go.

Fast forward a month and I am starting to feel better. She and I don't have much contact despite me trying to (probably a dumb idea). I wake up the day after my birthday, had a blast with friends went out drinking, to find a message from her on my facebook. In it she tells me that she has a new boyfriend and that she won't have any more contact with me for six months. She intends to be friends with me in six months. This kinda rocked me completely and sent me back into the slump that I had just been working my way out of. Again quit going to class and doing the things I enjoy.

Recently all I've been doing is playing video games and drinking beer. I go back and forth between feeling okay, incredibly depressed, and wanting to break everything within 10 feet of me. Basically I think I am just looking for advice on how to move past her quickly. I can't handle this whole set up of feeling like shit and skirting my responsibilities but I wake up everyday and just can't bring myself to go to class or do homework. When I try I just get sad and depressed and bust out a video game. I apologize if this was rambling and not exactly to the point I just need some ideas on ways to get past this and PA has always been good to me in the past.

More information if it helps I am 21 she is 22 we had been dating since late highschool and I transferred colleges to be at her school. We also had a brief stint of living together.

Posts

  • 815165815165 Registered User regular
    edited April 2012
    Fuck her for her we'll be friends in six months bullshit. You're better off without contacting her, or her delayed friendship, it'll just cause you more pain. You move past her by removing her from your life and putting your energy into other things.

    Every minute you spend thinking about her and trying to contact her right now is wasted time which will only affect you negatively. It isn't a coincidence that her contacting you again made you feel worse.

    On the bright side at least it sounds like you've got a lot of studying to catch up with in the time you were wasting worrying about her. Be busy and stay busy. When you're not studying be with friends.

    Time you spend busily passes fast and time is the best way to get over a breakup.

    815165 on
  • HaleskarthHaleskarth Registered User regular
    ^

    You know all that anger and crap you're feeling? Ya well, some of it is deserved, because "we'll be friends in 6 months" is complete and utter bullshit. You want to get over her fast?

    Step 1) Don't try to be her friend. Just do not. Don't message her, don't talk to her. If you HAVE to message her let it be something along the lines of "Do not message me in six months, don't contact me again".
    Step 2) Get rid of the shit that reminds you of her, and the ways in which you'll be prone to want to contact her. Cut bookface, cut phone numbers, it's done, she's moved on. You have every ability to add ultimate finality to the situation on your end. Do so.
    Step 3) Stop drinking. If one of your friends broke up with a girl and all he did was drink and play video games, what would you do? Stop drinking. You're not doing yourself any favors.
    Step 4) Get your ass on gear in school. If ending a relationship causes this much of a damper, concider that a relationship is not actually worth it as a student at 22 and buckle down. My roommate swore off relationships until he was finished education, he went from nearly dropping out over a girl to graduating with an honors in chemistry this year, going to do his masters. This aint the end of the road, it's just not paved here, you gotta walk hard.

    There is no magic way for the above to happen, unless you do it. But you need to cut the drinking, the messaging her, and the allowing her to have influence over your life.

  • hadokenhadoken Registered User regular
    edited April 2012
    Break ups are hard man.

    Don't contact her, keep going to school and keep in mind that this might take a while for you to get over.

    Also, never contact an ex and tell them you are dating someone new. Man, that is a low thing to do and I'm sorry it was done to you :(

    hadoken on
  • V1mV1m Registered User regular
    Ziac45 wrote:
    I debated whether or not to post this but I feel I could use some outside perspective on things.

    Recently, as in last month, my girlfriend of four years dumped me during a particularly turbulent time in my life due to family and personal issues. This hit me incredibly hard, not to say I didn't deserve it I was not the best boyfriend. But I have to say this hit me unduely hard due to my personal situation outside of her. It's led to a deterioration in everything I've been doing and a lack of will to do a whole lot else (Lead to me dropping 3 of my classes and not going to any of the classes I kept). I wake up with every intention to do so and then just don't go.

    Fast forward a month and I am starting to feel better. She and I don't have much contact despite me trying to (probably a dumb idea). I wake up the day after my birthday, had a blast with friends went out drinking, to find a message from her on my facebook. In it she tells me that she has a new boyfriend and that she won't have any more contact with me for six months. She intends to be friends with me in six months. This kinda rocked me completely and sent me back into the slump that I had just been working my way out of. Again quit going to class and doing the things I enjoy.

    Recently all I've been doing is playing video games and drinking beer. I go back and forth between feeling okay, incredibly depressed, and wanting to break everything within 10 feet of me. Basically I think I am just looking for advice on how to move past her quickly. I can't handle this whole set up of feeling like shit and skirting my responsibilities but I wake up everyday and just can't bring myself to go to class or do homework. When I try I just get sad and depressed and bust out a video game. I apologize if this was rambling and not exactly to the point I just need some ideas on ways to get past this and PA has always been good to me in the past.

    More information if it helps I am 21 she is 22 we had been dating since late highschool and I transferred colleges to be at her school. We also had a brief stint of living together.

    You're describing the classic symptoms of actual depression. The difficulty with psychological depression is trying to be honest with yourself and self-disciplined, without slipping into a cycle of low self-esteem and self-loathing. As said above, drinking lots of alcohol will not help at all with this.

    So yeah, delete that woman from your life, cut back on the booze, and discipline yourself into a "Look forward, not back" mindset. Set yourself small tasks, and achieve them. Each time you do this, you will repair a little of the damage. If you have a big task to do (college assignment), and you find yourself unable to face it, set yourself a little task (wash some clothes, make the bed, recharge your cellphone battery, something. Trade on the little self-esteem hit you get from that to do something a little more significant, and try and establish a virtuous cycle. This sounds a bit facile, but like many psychological "cheap tricks" it is surprisingly effective.

    Above all: spend time with people who like you. Right now, you probably don't think a whole hell of a lot of yourself. Spending time with people who don't mind letting you know that they hold you in regard will help with that. Call up a friend and go for a bike ride or something. It'll be tough, because at the moment your subconscious thinks you're a dirty dog who doesn't deserve friends or happiness, it'll try like hell to stop you doing this (it's too much effort, they don't want to spend time with me, I'm depressing to be around, why would anyone waste time with me?). Well fuck you, Ziac's subconscious.

  • FireflashFireflash Montreal, QCRegistered User regular
    You need to cut her off completely to help your healing. Remove her from facebook and any other social website or app you use. Even if you feel down keep spending time with your friends. A good friend will be glad to spend time with you even at times where you think you might not be the most fun person to be around. Remember that there isn't a magical solution to immediately feel better other than time but you will heal faster if you avoid contact with her and keep yourself occupied with friends, exercise and work.

    PSN / XBL: PatParadize
  • ceresceres Just your problem OoSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    Yeah, whatever you had, don't talk to her anymore. Not now, not after 6 months. That is the single most important piece of advice I can think of for the sake of your mental wellbeing. After that is "maybe see a therapist." Not just because of the breakup, but because you said you've got a lot going on outside of that and you're having trouble coping.

    I've got my own life and I've got my own plans
    I hope you understand, and like the way that I am
  • KMGorKMGor Registered User
    The advice on here is good, but one additional one I don't see too often is exercise (cardiovascular more so than resistance), if you're not already doing it. Try outdoor running, the couch-to-5k if you're new to it. I had the worst emotional period of my entire life a few months back because of a really hard breakup, and the two things that helped lift me out of it were running and spending time with friends/family.

    It'll probably suck at first, but believe me after six weeks of it if you stick to it consistently you WILL feel better.

    Also, I have mixed feelings of the 100% cutoff thing. Not to say a cutoff right now isn't good for you (that was another thing that helped me), but when you're past someone I think meeting them again on new terms could be healthy. Of course, it could also cause an emotional relapse. Your choice I guess.

    Iacobus wrote:
    Fatty wrote:
    American beer tastes like piss.
    Wait, that's an insult? I just figured Americans like drinking warm urine out of cans.
  • StormwatcherStormwatcher Uee Citizen Record #2051 Über Star CitizenRegistered User regular
    Not ever talking to my Ex worked very well. Best remedy.

    Steam: Stormwatcher | XBL: Stormwatcher 21 | PSN: Stormwatcher33 | Gamecenter: Stormwatcher33 | 3DS: 0130-2805-2850
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  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    Friends in 6 months? That's reason enough to cancel her from your life.

  • Ziac45Ziac45 Registered User regular
    edited April 2012
    Well so far I have had my roommate password block her Facebook and phone. I do still have feelings for her. I have been avoiding therapy because she suggested that and fuck her.

    Ziac45 on
  • UsagiUsagi Feminazgul ~*special snowflake*~Registered User regular
    That's not a reason to avoid therapy duder, especially if you're having a hard time dealing with all of the other stuff (which is totally legitimate, that's a lot to handle!) seeing a counselor is probably a really smart move towards taking care of yourself.

    Jormungandr? Damn near killed 'er!
  • LilnoobsLilnoobs Alpha Queue Registered User regular
    Therapy seems overkill in this instance. It's only been a month. If the pain lasts for over a year, sure, go see therapy, but otherwise it's normal and you'll be better off dealing with it yourself.

  • MorblitzMorblitz Registered User regular
    edited April 2012
    Edit: Shouldn't post in help threads when I'm distracted

    Morblitz on
    3DS Pokemon Y Friend Code: 0645 5780 8920
    Please shoot me a PM if you add me so I know to add you back.
  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    It's never easy, but every time you really start thinking of her, do something productive to distract yourself, like go to the gym. Don't be friends with her in 6 months, or ever. It will hurt for a while, and it will just take time to feel better.

  • ceresceres Just your problem OoSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    Lilnoobs wrote: »
    Therapy seems overkill in this instance. It's only been a month. If the pain lasts for over a year, sure, go see therapy, but otherwise it's normal and you'll be better off dealing with it yourself.

    No, see, if you read, it says he was shutting down even before the breakup due to other things going on. The therapy is suggested because he is having trouble dealing with EVERYTHING, not just a breakup that happened a month ago.

    Read the thread and don't advise people not to seek professional help.

    I've got my own life and I've got my own plans
    I hope you understand, and like the way that I am
  • HaleskarthHaleskarth Registered User regular
    edited April 2012
    About a year ago, while I was going through some hard times, my girlfriend of a year decided that on our one year anniversary was the best time to cheat on me.

    Seek professional help. You're not validating some thing she'll never know about by doing it because she suggested it long ago. Nothing that you should do from now on should be because of her, and that includes seeking/not seeking help. You're doing this because outside of her, with the pressures of school and your family, whatever is going on, you sound like you could use someone physical who can offer you an outside perspective and guidance. We're just words on the internet, sometimes you need a body in front of you. It's easy for me to sit back and be like "Be strong with yourself", sometimes you'll need help doing it. You'll thank yourself, I thank myself for having gone.

    (Edit; In case you don't know where to look, start at your university, usually they have free counseling and such that is made precisely for what you're going through and can direct you further. This is what I did.)

    Haleskarth on
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