Entropy, a short story

Spacsea

I wrote this for a school project, I got a pretty decent grade on it but I'm wondering how it stacks up to ya'lls exquisite pallets.


Ag was a caveman. Ag sat in his fire warmed cave admiring the guy who came up with that wheel idea. Ag knew that the man’s name would be remembered for eternity. Ag decided to study hard and learn so that he might be remembered forever in the same way the man who invented the wheel would.

Entropy spoke with Ag, “Why struggle to study hard, your knowledge will fade.” Ag replied, “I am a man and with invention I will be immortal.” Entropy asked Time why man struggled against the inevitable, for which she replied, “Man is here and his inventions are proof that he will be forever.” Entropy sighed as he considered the future while Time smiled at the present.

Asta was a roman. Asta sat on his horse drawn cart admiring the man who designed the great Amphitheatrum Flavium. Asta knew that the man’s name will be remembered for eternity for such a magnificent construction. Asta decided to join the Legion so that through his martial prowess, his name would be remembered forever as well.

Entropy told Asta about his conversation with Ag and asked, “No one remembers Ag, why do you think differently?” Asta replied, “I have won many glories and through battle my family’s name will forever be remembered.” Time beamed a smile to Entropy and stated, “Man is here and his glory is proof that he will be forever.” Entropy started to argue but remembered the futility of arguing with Time. Entropy laughed at the irony.

Amdis was a modern man. Amdis sat in his automobile admiring his favorite pop icon’s music on the radio. Amdis knew that such great works of beauty would make the icon’s name remembered for eternity. Amdis decided to start a family and through his children, he would be remembered forever.

Entropy hoped that by now man had by then learned the truth. “Amdis do you think you’ll be immortal?” Entopy asked Amdis in the retirement home. Amdis though it pained him to speak answered “Of course, my culture is world renowned and my nation will be known forever.” Entropy sighed, “What about Ag and Asta?” Amdis replied with just a whisper, “Who those people were must not have been as advanced as my great nation.” Time quickly interjected, “Man is now advanced so much, and truly Entropy you must see it.” Entropy remembered Ag and Asta but he was the only one that did.

Antiquus was a spaceship captain. Antiquus sat in his command chair admiring the scientific genius that discovered faster than light travel. Antiquus knew that his race was saved from death from a swollen sun by the genius’s work. Antiquus decided to volunteer his ship in transporting human kind to other planets so that his name would be remembered forever.

Entropy had waited a long time before coming to see Antiquus. “Why do you struggle to continue Antiquus?” Entropy asked after retelling Amdis’s story. Antiquus replied, “Obviously Amdis’s thinking was flawed, the glory of man is what will be our legacy.” Entropy was stunned, “Then I must tell you Asta’s story.” Entropy had just barely finished telling of Asta’s story when Antiquus suddenly stated “If not culture or glory then I have just figured out why mankind will be forever.”

Entropy with timeless patience waited for the false wisdom he knew he was about to hear. Antiquus stated “I am a man and with invention I will be immortal.” Time was confused, “Something is wrong but I know not what.” Entropy signed a sad sigh for he knew Time was running out.

Entropy is now. Entropy was with Ag when his fire burned out. Entropy was there at the battlefield that saw Asta slain. Entropy witnessed Amdis fade away into old age. Entropy comforted Antiquus as his mind melted away from all the relativistic travel through the cosmos.

Entropy looks for man but does not find him. Entropy asks Time if she is alright. Without sentient beings to give Time meaning, Time is nothing. Entropy is all that is left in the end and the end is lonely.

tapeslinger

I have to admit, this didn't do much for me (or my palate)

the repetitive motif ("X was y. X was y in more detail.") absolutely stalls out the reader. These phrases are really inactive and dull. It's like reading a list, and as a reader, lists really don't do much.

I like the concept, but the execution falters as a result of the stilted style. The reader does not have much in the way of connection to the story since the action of the story is relayed like a summary. I am not sure what to fix; the dryness of delivery is part of the composition here.

It's not terrible, and the idea of Entropy as a character is cool, but I feel like it's held back by passive verbs and remoteness -- the reader isn't pulled in with any immediacy.

ElJeffe

Yeah, I agree with tapeslinger. The underlying story is interesting, but you're not telling the story so much as you're talking about the story. There's no reason to care about anyone or anything that's happening. And it's partly down to style, and partly down to the complete lack of any compelling detail.

Spacsea

Thank ya'll for the feedback. My first iteration of this story had no talking in it, I wonder if that one did a better job. Ultimately though the point of the story is that there is no point, hence entropy, in a nut shell. I should probably endeavor to change this.

ElJeffe

Your point being that there's no point is a perfectly valid theme. But we, the readers, have to be interested in what's going on and want to keep reading. Right now it's hard to be interested in what's going on. Observe:

A guy has a father who is a big mob boss, but the guy doesn't want to be in the family business. He has this girl and they get married. Some enemies of the family kill his father and so the guy kills them all in revenge and then takes over the family business.

Now, I just told the story of The Godfather, one of the most well-known and well-respected films ever made, but I told it in an abbreviated, distant way that makes it impossible to care about anything going on. I'm not saying to make your story a 3-hour epic, but you need to give us something. And stripping out the dialogue, which is the closest you come to giving us some genuine story-telling, is not the answer, unless your ultimate goal is to turn this into a haiku.