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Awesome: '4/20 Have Babies Everyday' by alternatingAberration
alternatingAberration
All Are FreeWithin The BiomassRegistered User regular
All Are FreeWithin The BiomassRegistered User regular
Romanian My Escutcheon wrote: »Okay, maybe somebody should make a post detailing the process of creating another human being.
You know.
For anybody who doesn't know.
Not me.
(Congrats! <3)
Creating A Baby: The Neophyte's Guide
So you want to create a baby. Babies are good for many things: Paper weights, alarm clocks, blanket warmers, and tardiness excuses. Maybe that's why you're making one, I don't know! Enough jibber-blather, let's begin construction.
First you need a female and a male, maybe you are one of those! In any case, a lock of the female's hair must be collected without the female knowing. The male, must then hock a massive lung oyster into the hair, and wrap it carefully into a small knot.
Now that you have what is called the 'Placenta' you must create a 'womb' for it to rest in. Collect about 20 pounds of rat bones. You can either collect these from your own kills, or buy them off from owl farms. Then, using a mixture of candle-wax and bile, cement the bones into a rough approximation of a cradle. Don't worry if it's not perfect, we're not trying to make art. We're trying to make a baby!
With that done, paint the bottom of the 'womb' with green paint. Any shade will do. This is to prevent wild animals from discovering the nascent child as it coalesces, and stealing it. Babies are hard to make, as I'm sure you're finding, and animals will try to take short-cuts. Congratulations, you have now built the 'womb' and are one step closer to a baby.
The 'womb' must now be sanctified. The best known method for this process the Swiss Stomp. It's easy! The mother-to-be simply deposits milk into the 'womb', making sure to cover the whole surface of the receptacle. Meanwhile, the father-expectant must stomp in a circle (counter-clockwise or clockwise, either works), howling at irregular intervals. Once the milk has set, the male must then approach the 'womb' and wring as much sweat as possible off his hands. Don't worry about the amount of either. Just try your best!
Now remember that thing, the 'placenta'? You are now ready to place it in the 'womb'. Simply lay it within the center of the 'womb'. From here on, all applicant-parental must do is wait, and it is all they can do. Do not look in the 'womb'. Do not sleep, or eat. Most parents recommend facing west during this period.
After about 53 hours the 'womb' should finish encystment, you'll know by the low whistling sound as the aetheric vapor escapes through crevices in the wax cement. Very carefully, chip at the top of the 'womb' with a sharp knife. When you pierce the formative crust, set the knife down and with you hands peel back the throbbing membrane before you. Reach in, and pull free your new baby. Congratulations!
Reminder: Name your baby before the next equinox! The laws of your country forbid us from telling you why, but it is highly recommended!
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