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Let's Play Postal 3 - Part 2: With Catlike Tread
jothki
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
A while ago, in exchange for being given a copy of Postal 3 by the very classy Handgimp, I agreed to do a Let's Play of the game. Since the game was Postal 3, I've been delaying it as long as possible, but now that it's the daily deal on Steam, I figure I might as well finally get this started.
So, then,
It's...a game. Not a very good one, from what I've heard. I'll be going into this pretty much blind. Like pretty much any other game that allows moral choices, I'll be trying to play this as nicely as possible, avoiding any unnecessary deaths or combat. I suppose I'm therefore going to be playing this wrong, but I don't really care about what this game wants from me at this point. If the game wants me to take joy in pointless assholishness, it will have to work for it.
Part 0.5: Bridge of fail
Tutorial time!
So a bunch of stuff happened, and I'm now on a bridge. Which is apparently infested with zombies. In order to traverse the bridge to safety, I'm going to have to pass through a series of tutorial segments, which will inexplicably move me past otherwise insurmoutable wreckage as I complete each one.
Movement, fine. Grenades, unnecessary if it wasn't for the aformentioned cutscene teleportation. Gasoline, that's where things get..."interesting". I have to pour out gasoline onto a bunch of zombies in a lower section, where they're completely unable to harm me, and then set them on fire, at which point the game will proceed me to the next walled-in section. Seems easy enough...
Or not.
As it turns out, the gasoline spray doesn't actually reach far enough in to hit one of the zombies. Ten minutes and one achievement
later, I finally manage to take out that last zombie.
Now, pepper spray. I have to take out some actual soldiers this time, with actual guns. Since they're just doing their job I decide to try to avoid killing them. Fortunately, pepper spray will knock people out if you spray them long enough. Unfortunately, I fail to comprehend the difference between actually knocking someone out and merely stunning them, leading to me being gunned down. Oh well, that's why it's a tutorial, and I can just respawn.
One respawn later, I prepare to charge in, properly deploying the spray this time. Unfortunately, the game seems to have decided that I'm now only capable of moving in a fixed direction, regardless of which key I press and which way the camera is facing. Even worse, that direction doesn't direct me straight at the soldiers' vulnerable faces, but directly into a wall, where I proceed to helplessly get gunned down by guards I'm completely unable of even hitting. Another respawn later, and I proceed to die in exactly the same manner.
So at the end of the session, this is where I am:
I'll be picking this up again later tonight, where hopefully the game will let me actually play it. I might even make it through the tutorial this time!
So, then,
It's...a game. Not a very good one, from what I've heard. I'll be going into this pretty much blind. Like pretty much any other game that allows moral choices, I'll be trying to play this as nicely as possible, avoiding any unnecessary deaths or combat. I suppose I'm therefore going to be playing this wrong, but I don't really care about what this game wants from me at this point. If the game wants me to take joy in pointless assholishness, it will have to work for it.
Part 0.5: Bridge of fail
Tutorial time!
So a bunch of stuff happened, and I'm now on a bridge. Which is apparently infested with zombies. In order to traverse the bridge to safety, I'm going to have to pass through a series of tutorial segments, which will inexplicably move me past otherwise insurmoutable wreckage as I complete each one.
Movement, fine. Grenades, unnecessary if it wasn't for the aformentioned cutscene teleportation. Gasoline, that's where things get..."interesting". I have to pour out gasoline onto a bunch of zombies in a lower section, where they're completely unable to harm me, and then set them on fire, at which point the game will proceed me to the next walled-in section. Seems easy enough...
Or not.
As it turns out, the gasoline spray doesn't actually reach far enough in to hit one of the zombies. Ten minutes and one achievement
Now, pepper spray. I have to take out some actual soldiers this time, with actual guns. Since they're just doing their job I decide to try to avoid killing them. Fortunately, pepper spray will knock people out if you spray them long enough. Unfortunately, I fail to comprehend the difference between actually knocking someone out and merely stunning them, leading to me being gunned down. Oh well, that's why it's a tutorial, and I can just respawn.
One respawn later, I prepare to charge in, properly deploying the spray this time. Unfortunately, the game seems to have decided that I'm now only capable of moving in a fixed direction, regardless of which key I press and which way the camera is facing. Even worse, that direction doesn't direct me straight at the soldiers' vulnerable faces, but directly into a wall, where I proceed to helplessly get gunned down by guards I'm completely unable of even hitting. Another respawn later, and I proceed to die in exactly the same manner.
So at the end of the session, this is where I am:
I'll be picking this up again later tonight, where hopefully the game will let me actually play it. I might even make it through the tutorial this time!
jothki on
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I just have to say: I'm sorry that you are playing this.
I suggested the spite gift be required to be turned into an LP.
Godspeed.
Now I feel guilty for suggesting a tunnel rats giveaway.
Nevertheless, you must continue.
MUSH, LITTLE DOGGY.
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
After starting a new game, I managed to make it past the soldiers on the first time, by pepper spraying them into unconsciousness.
The commander was apparently impressed by my not killing soldiers, though he mentioned that someone was going around killing soldiers. I wonder who that guy is? Hopefully I don't run into him, he sounds scary.
In any case, he told me to guard a button, which I am now doing to the best of my ability.
Should be smooth sailing from here, assuming that that crazy murderer doesn't show up. Hopefully I won't have to wait around for more than an hour or so before my relief shows up. I'll continue the Let's Play when something happens. I'll get in some Disgaea in the meantime.
Jothki, that is.
Edit: Okay, I'm completely stumped. I assume I have to trigger some event, but I've looked all over the room and the only thing I can interact with is the button. I hate when games make you have to read the minds of the developers in order to progress.
Handmade Jewelry by me on EtsyGames for sale
Me on Twitch!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xwkGNVOhNw#t=98s
(I just love that laugh)
The End.
It's this subtle commentary that makes a game GREAT! GOTY.
Best LP ever. 5/5.
Okay, now I'm starting to get worried. It's been over a day, and I have yet to hear anything from the outside. Even worse, I appear to be completely trapped in the room, regardless of how hard I push on the door it's staying shut, almost like it's a static piece of terrain geometry instead of a functional object. Come to think of it, I'm not quite sure how I made it in the room in the first place...
In any case, if everything is fine, then I should have heard from someone long ago. At this point, I have no choice but to assume that the zombies have overwhelmed the area, or even worse, the murderer has attacked. At this point, pressing the button might be my only chance of survival.
Here goes nothing...
Well, that did it, the bridge is now...raised? Oh well, at least I'm no long stuck in that room. It's a good thing I made it out, apparently someone (the murderer?) detonated a bomb in the city after I left. A tragedy, I suppose, but I had already made my peace with my friends when I realized that the zombie infestation had raged out of control. At this point, all there is for me is to move on.
And the place that I'm moving on to is apparently a porn shop. Not my first choice of employment, but I suppose that I'm pretty much a refugee at this point, and have to take what I can until I can get settled.
My first task is to clean up the floors of the place, which have become quite filthy due to customers making full use of the establishment. A necessary consequence, I suppose, but one which I'm about to take care of.
Unfortunately, the shop soon becomes swarmed with protestors, who proceed to start wrecking the place. While I understand their principles, they're still interfering with a legitimate business. One which is paying me. So for the moment at least it's my problem to handle.
I proceed to take the only weapon I have available, the vacuum, and use it to drive the protestors out of the shop by launching its contents back out. It goes smoothly for the most part, though there was one particular protestor who stoicly refused to leave regardless of how filthy she became. Or to even move at all. At least, I hope it was stoicism, and not some sort of seizure. I left her alone for a while, and she eventually snapped out of it. Hopefully she'll seek treatment if she needs it.
I'd provide a visualization of the event, but working there seems to have had psychological consequences. For a while there, I couldn't help but picture a pair of poorly drawn breasts floating in my field of view. I'd like to keep those images out of my head, if I can.
The protestors seemed to have been effective at shutting down business, which left me to seek employment elsewhere. I managed to find someone who was willing to pay me to deal with a cat infestation.
Armed with a single can of catnip spray, I set out to rid the area of its cats. They're a bit bitey, but I manage to subdue two of them before abruptly running out of catnip. I then begin an epic quest to discover more.
Do they have any?
How about over here.
Oh, right where I started. Doh.
I resume my slightly less epic quest to grab cats, only to be interrupted by a crowd of gentlemen who appear to want the cats for themselves. I offer to share, but they selfishly attempt to shoot me. I book it.
So now I'm being followed by a crowd of people who want me dead, I'm completely defenseless, and I still need to somehow pick up cats so that I can get paid. I'd normally never do this, but since I'm clearly about to die I decide to take a whiff of the catnip.
Whoo, super speed. Or at least it feels like it, for all I know I'm actually lying in an alley and hallucinating the whole time. It wears off quickly, though, and when it's over I seem to have a bit more breathing room somehow. Hopefully no one saw me, I'm still hoping to run for political office at some point.
I manage to scoop up the rest of the cats without being beaten too hard. Job's done, and no one's dead!
Well, except for that guy. It's a good thing we're out there taking care of those cats.
My next job is as a security guard for an autograph session for some model. It's interupted by the same group of protestors as before.
Fortunately, this time I have an actual weapon, a taser. I know they're possibly dangerous, but probably not any more so than taking a wad of potential STDs to the face, so I think I'm good here. The model, however, is stuck with a shovel, which concerns me. Hopefully no one ends up getting hurt.
We clear them out, but the session is ruined, so I'm sent out with just the taser and the shovel as payment. Not much, but hopefully I can use them as collateral for a loan or something. Unfortunately, as I walk in to the bank, a gunfight breaks out between some criminal-minded hippies and the police.
My choice is clear: The front door. Unfortunately, despite being visibly open, I seem to be completely unable to pass through it, so I'm forced to take the next best option, cowering in a corner.
Hopefully if I wait long enough, everything will resolve itself without anyone noticing me. I certainly don't want to get directly involved.
What will our hero do next!