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Wife is pregnant, not wanted

suicidexcusesuicidexcuse Registered User regular
edited April 2012 in Help / Advice Forum
As the title states, my wife is pregnant. Complete accident, we are usually really good at using birth control but screwed up.

A bit of background. We currently have a 3 year old daughter. We were both against having any other kids. Always telling people that one is enough. My wife is working as an engineer making good money (80,000) and is set to receive her P Eng designation next February. If she were to give birth and stay home this would throw off her entire career path. She already missed one year due to having our first child. She does not want to stall her career path and have to deal with the strong stigma she already has of being the constant pregnant engineer.

As for me Im still in school and going to graduate in december as an accountant. Very employable and I should be making 40-45 a year when I get a job. We were both looking forward to my graduation because we could live much more comfortably with the addition of my salary. If she were to go on mat leave we would be making my 40,000 plus her 485 per week, thats 64,650 before taxes. This is the best case senario. I could have trouble finding a job, or the only available are much lower paying. Im just not sure we could live off that with two kids. We have almost no savings due to having to help her family and me going to school. So basically, we would be making much less with an extra kid.

We are actually thinking of abortion. My wife does not want to give birth. She is a very intense hypochondriac. Just as an example she doesnt like running because she says she can feel her internals moving lots and doesnt want everything to fall out while running. So another pregnancy and birth might make her even more worrisome but an abortion probably would as well. And to be perfectly honest we are both not the most emotionally stable people so an abortion might take a big toll on both of us. We were very very close to getting a divorce last year (made a thread about it). We are doing better as a couple but with another child, who knows.

For me I just dont know if I could take care of another child. I mean i think im a pretty good dad but with an extra kid im not so sure.

So basically im just asking for any advice on what to do here. Can we afford another child? Is abortion an option? What are the consequences?

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Posts

  • bowenbowen Registered User regular
    This is your wife's decision ultimately. I'd wager it on the following, because no matter what there's going to be emotionally rocky times involved with either decision:

    * Is it financially responsible to have another child?
    * Is it something you both want?
    * Is it something the relationship can handle?
    * Is there anything else that this child represents to you emotionally?
    * Are you both okay with any decision you both make?

    The key here is to make the decision together. Don't make her feel like the bad guy, and don't bully each other about any decision, be open to all outcomes and rationals.

  • JebusUDJebusUD Registered User regular

    I'm sure an abortion would be fine medically and you could get one assuming it is early enough.

    At the same time, you think you are going to make over 100k combined. She makes 80k herself. That's a bunch of money. Many people have kids on much less than that.

    Look into getting a vasectomy then you don't have to worry about this again.

    You haven't given me a reason to steer clear of you!
  • spool32spool32 Contrary Library Registered User regular
    I won't presume to advise you on whether or not to get an abortion - you both need to discuss it seriously, bringing the emotional and practical considerations to the table. It will help if you recognize that your first decision point has already passed you by, and you cannot go back to how things were before you were faced with this choice. Discard your wish that this didn't happen and face whichever new reality you choose with clear eyes. Trying to reach back to the past, or imagining that an abortion will roll back the clock and make it like the choice was never presented to you both, is impossible.

    I will tell you that it can work out. We had our third child with little financial stability and in the face of warnings that my wife might never walk again. That was almost true - she spent the first year after the delivery mostly in a wheelchair. It can work out, if you're dedicated to making it work out.

    Whichever choice you make, I feel you should go get a vasectomy immediately. If you were as serious about never having kids again as you say in the OP, you should already have done it. So be a man and get the operation done - your wife deserves better than being placed in this situation again through carelessness or accident.

    Successful Kickstarter get! Drop by Bare Mettle Entertainment if you'd like to see what we're making.
  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist Always mind Duane. Registered User regular
    Yikes, well, first off, I should mention that I am generally opposed to abortion (not enough to go and bomb clinics, but enough that I generally try to convince people not to do it.) That said, I would say that the most common reason people have an abortion is because they cannot afford/do not want additional children. So you are certainly not the first person to be stuck in this predicament. Likewise you shouldn't feel guilty about your decision in the end, no matter what you choose. Life is too dynamic to spend time worrying about what-ifs.

    In my case, my second child was unexpected too. On top of all the anxiety about one of use having to give up our job due to the child we found out by December that the child has Down Syndrome. Neither one of us felt comfortable with abortion, but we did have a long conversation about it. Along with abortion, we discussed the possibility of placing the child for adoption. In fact it wasn't until late January that we finally ruled that out. I think as much as it is going to make our lives difficult for the foreseeable future, I just felt like I wanted to meet her, I wanted to get to know her, and I didn't care what her condition was.

    Of course, this is my own very unique circumstance, and you may not have the same perspective on children, but I would urge you to consider placing the child for adoption. There are many wanna-be parents out there who would love to have a healthy child (even many who want kids with Down Syndrome!) and you could help bring a real gift to those people. Likewise you can feel good knowing that the child will be in a loving household of your choosing that is perhaps more stable than your own.

  • DecomposeyDecomposey Registered User regular
    Abortion is an option. If your wife does not want to give birth, it's a very legitimate option. There are two option, actually, a surgical abortion and a medical abortion. The first is where they go in with instruments and anestisia and you have to hang around the clinic in bed for a few hours to make sure everything is passed afterward and there are no complications. The second is where they basically give you a bunch of drugs that induce a miscarrage, the first drug to losen the uterus stuff is taken at the clinic, then a few more pills (along with some painkillers) are given to you to take home, where you take them and for all intents and purposes miscarry.

    One thing I want to stress is that your wife will need your support whatever descision she makes, as making these kinds of choices can be very hard on some women. Make sure you let her know you are with her, whatever she decides.

    Before following any advice, opinions, or thoughts I may have expressed in the above post, I feel I should warn you: I found Keven Costners "Waterworld" to be a very entertaining film.
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    We are actually thinking of abortion. My wife does not want to give birth. She is a very intense hypochondriac. Just as an example she doesnt like running because she says she can feel her internals moving lots and doesnt want everything to fall out while running. So another pregnancy and birth might make her even more worrisome but an abortion probably would as well. And to be perfectly honest we are both not the most emotionally stable people so an abortion might take a big toll on both of us. We were very very close to getting a divorce last year (made a thread about it). We are doing better as a couple but with another child, who knows.
    None of us can presume to have an accurate or complete picture of what is going on in your lives, but if you think your wife might freak out somewhat at the medical procedures involved in an abortion... can you imagine what nine months of doctors appointments with birth at the end is going to do for her?

    There is nothing wrong with deciding to get an abortion. There's also nothing wrong with deciding to carry the baby to term. But it's a decision you and your wife are going to have to work out for yourselves.

    And like others say, you should seriously look at getting a vasectomy if you really don't want any other children. Takes all the worry out of it.

  • mrt144mrt144 King of the Numbernames Registered User regular
    Abortions are tough to go through for sure, but in the end it sure beats the emotional turmoil of an unwanted child that sabotaged life ambitions. Also, i got a vasectomy and love it.

  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User regular
    Is abortion an option?

    Kinda depends on what facilitites are available in your state.

    The people who have stated that abortion is a difficult decision that requires a lot of thought are entirely correct.

    The thing to keep in mind, though, is that your attitudes towards abortion will depend upon the narratives you each decide to maintain. If you think of it as a medical procedure, that can be easier than thinking of it as terminating a fetus, or a wealth of other problematic phrases.

    You need to both be honest about your attitudes and feelings. At the same time, though, you need to consider abortion within the larger frame of your life, your plans, your goals, your economic situations, and phrase the medical procedure in a way that genuinely articulates your interests and attitudes.

    I'd suggest being very clear on what you think about abortion, and phrase your conversation accordingly.

    If, to you and your wife, it's a medical procedure? Call it that.
    If, to you and your wife, it's terminating a fetus? Call it that.
    If, to you and your wife, it's "______"? Call it that.

    When I've talked to friends about making the decision, they've appreciated the idea that they are in control of what language they use to discuss abortion. There can be a significant psychological benefit, for some people, to say they are "having a medical procedure" rather than "terminating a fetus".

    So, that's something to consider.

    Seriously J not only are you a monumentally umpleasant person when you start uttering the nonsense that passes for philosophy in your mind (shame on whatever institution you graduated in, and shame on your tutors for creating such a monster), but your sense of humor, such as it is, is awful.
  • suicidexcusesuicidexcuse Registered User regular
    Thanks for all the input. Ill support her in any decision she makes.

    We have an appointment to see our doctor next week. We live in alberta canada so I know its fully covered. This may sound stupid but are family doctors required to give us all information on our options or should we be going to a special clinic to get information on abortions. We just havent known our family doctor very long and she seems very prolife. She was actually the one who talked me out of a vasectomy.

  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    Personal advice?
    Keep it, you can afford it and just get snipped at some point before the baby comes.

    In general advice:
    You and your wife need to make this decision together, it can't be all on one or the other. Careers are not going to just go away, especially if she's a badass engineer (not enough female engy's ever anywhere). Note that abortion is not just a "in and out, done" thing either, as there are quite possibly emotional and physical aftereffects. Even women I knew who weren't psyched about being preggers and miscarried had some seriously dark days for quite a while afterward.

  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    Thanks for all the input. Ill support her in any decision she makes.

    We have an appointment to see our doctor next week. We live in alberta canada so I know its fully covered. This may sound stupid but are family doctors required to give us all information on our options or should we be going to a special clinic to get information on abortions. We just havent known our family doctor very long and she seems very prolife. She was actually the one who talked me out of a vasectomy.
    A lot of doctors don't like to do vasectomies for people who have only one or two kids because they're very difficult to reverse if you change your mind later.

  • LibrarianLibrarian Registered User regular
    It seems to be pretty clear that you both do not want this child and your wife probably does not want the extra medical care that comes with being pregnant.
    Since she also worries about the social stigmata at her job having the child and giving it up for adoption sounds like a bad idea as well because that's probably going to be another awkward story to share at the watercooler for her.

    In this case I do think that abortion might be your best option, sounds better than having a child that is unwanted and might have to shoulder the blame for it's parents unhappiness further down the road(because you made it clear that things are not easy in your relationship).
    But in the end that is not a decision anyone here can make for you. People might influence you either way, seeing that there are both very religious people/pro lifers and atheists/choicers on this forum.
    I respect either opinion, but personally I would not want an unwanted child and think that the pressure that is put on pregnant women to "choose life" is just more unneeded psychological ballast in an already difficult situation.

    Talk it over with your wife, my impression is that you are both not against an abortion and do not feel that abortion is murder/infanticide/whatever.

    friedegg wrote: »
    Lord of the Flies. Frightening. Especially if you are a fat kid with glasses.
  • DecomposeyDecomposey Registered User regular
    schuss wrote: »
    Even women I knew who weren't psyched about being preggers and miscarried had some seriously dark days for quite a while afterward.

    This depends on the woman a great deal. I've known a woman (girl really, as she was 15) who was devistated after having an abortion. And I know another woman who never regretted it for a moment, and consideres it one of the best descisions she ever made. So milage may very.

    Before following any advice, opinions, or thoughts I may have expressed in the above post, I feel I should warn you: I found Keven Costners "Waterworld" to be a very entertaining film.
  • witch_iewitch_ie Registered User regular
    Having a child (or not) is a very personal decision and you should make this decision together. That said, I want to echo schuss's advice, given your mention of emotional stability for the two of you, if your family doctor doesn't cover it, you should probably look into the psychological impacts of abortion.

    For many of my close friends who have chosen abortion, months or even years later, they are dealing with the emotional consequences of that choice and seem to also be surprised by their feelings. While I'm not saying that the same will happen to you (as I've also had friends who decided on an abortion and were emotionally comfortable with their decision years later), it's an important factor to look into in addition to the medical/surgical procedures mentioned by others.

  • CelestialBadgerCelestialBadger Registered User regular
    You need proper advice, not internet advice. Maybe a therapist - the hypochondria aspect sounds worrying, your wife might need a therapist anyway, since the thing about innards falling out while running is really ... strange if meant seriously.

    You have plenty of money for another child. People do it on a fraction of your money. Any workplace that would judge her for being pregnant is nowhere worth working at. If you don't want to put the new baby into daycare straightaway maybe you yourself could do the stay-at-home dad thing for a few months?

    You should be really annoyed at your doctor who talked you out of a vasectomy. When you have time, complain about her to whoever takes complaints about doctors, and don't take no for an answer when you go for a vasectomy the next time (which you should do.) Also get a new doctor.

  • GnomeTankGnomeTank Registered User regular
    I can certainly imagine a doctor warning a virile male with only one child about getting vasectomy, but I am pretty blown away one would straight try and talk you out of it. That's really not any doctors place, outside of a serious medical issue stopping you from having one.

    Sagroth wrote: »
    Oh c'mon FyreWulff, no one's gonna pay to visit Uranus.
    Steam: Brainling, XBL / PSN: GnomeTank, D3: Brainling#1998, NintendoID: Brainling
  • MegaMan001MegaMan001 CRNA Boston, MARegistered User regular
    Thanks for all the input. Ill support her in any decision she makes.

    We have an appointment to see our doctor next week. We live in alberta canada so I know its fully covered. This may sound stupid but are family doctors required to give us all information on our options or should we be going to a special clinic to get information on abortions. We just havent known our family doctor very long and she seems very prolife. She was actually the one who talked me out of a vasectomy.

    For what it's worth, I perform anesthesia for inpatient and outpatient abortions weekly. If you or your wife has any questions regarding how the actual procedure will go down and what she should expect I'd be more than happy to provide it via PM.

    I am in the business of saving lives.

    camo_sig2.png
  • illigillig Registered User regular
    If you dont want the child, then by all means get rid of it. But if youre trying to figure out how to make it work the option you dont seem to have considered is you staying at home.

    When selecting which spouse should stay at home, income is a key criterion. You make $0 now and at most that you'll make when you graduate is 50% of your wife. Become the house-husband, and you'll prevent a reduction in the family standard of living.

  • DisruptedCapitalistDisruptedCapitalist Always mind Duane. Registered User regular
    You need proper advice, not internet advice. Maybe a therapist - the hypochondria aspect sounds worrying, your wife might need a therapist anyway, since the thing about innards falling out while running is really ... strange if meant seriously.

    Actually, this is really the best advice here.

  • manwiththemachinegunmanwiththemachinegun METAL GEAR?! Registered User regular
    edited April 2012
    Regardless as to your views on whether a fetus is a living human, you should understand that abortion, at ANY stage can be a very emotionally scarring experience for both partners. I knew a girl who years after her abortion suffered with guilt and depression over it. She was not religious, or even that young, and she still regreted it.

    If it was me, I'd keep it.

    manwiththemachinegun on
  • MandaManda Registered User
    My wife is working as an engineer making good money (80,000) and is set to receive her P Eng designation next February. If she were to give birth and stay home this would throw off her entire career path. She already missed one year due to having our first child. She does not want to stall her career path and have to deal with the strong stigma she already has of being the constant pregnant engineer.

    As a female engineer I just wanted to comment on this part. While maternity leave will delay things a little bit it's certainly not a death knell to her career. A good company will work with your wife and not hinder her. In addition, she should not have a stigma at her job about being constantly pregnant. If these are serious concerns I would highly recommend that she speak with her supervisor and/or HR department. It can be rough being the only young woman working with a bunch of older men but that doesn't mean she should put up with feeling harassed or punished for her life decisions.

    What are you doing on these forums? You should be out using your keen intellect to fight crime.
  • BloodySlothBloodySloth Registered User regular
    Regardless as to your views on whether a fetus is a living human, you should understand that abortion, at ANY stage can be a very emotionally scarring experience for both partners. I knew a girl who years after her abortion suffered with guilt and depression over it. She was not religious, or even that young, and she still regreted it.

    If it was me, I'd keep it.

    Just so we're clear here, though, this plays out differently for different people. When my girlfriend and I decided abortion was our best route, she went and had the procedure and neither of us have had any regrets since. There's no rule saying that either of you are going to feel any undue guilt or depression after the fact; it has a lot to do, I imagine, with how you actually feel about the situation beforehand. In that case, just make sure you are both being completely open and honest with each other about your feelings.

  • Bobkins FlymoBobkins Flymo Nice day for a Waa WeddingRegistered User, Super Moderator, Moderator mod
    If she does not want a second child at this point in her life, then the best route would be an abortion.

    But it's ultimately her decision, and the best thing you can do is be supportive of whatever that decision is.

    0SZEg7b.png
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited April 2012
    witch_ie wrote: »
    Having a child (or not) is a very personal decision and you should make this decision together. That said, I want to echo schuss's advice, given your mention of emotional stability for the two of you, if your family doctor doesn't cover it, you should probably look into the psychological impacts of abortion.

    For many of my close friends who have chosen abortion, months or even years later, they are dealing with the emotional consequences of that choice and seem to also be surprised by their feelings. While I'm not saying that the same will happen to you (as I've also had friends who decided on an abortion and were emotionally comfortable with their decision years later), it's an important factor to look into in addition to the medical/surgical procedures mentioned by others.
    Regardless as to your views on whether a fetus is a living human, you should understand that abortion, at ANY stage can be a very emotionally scarring experience for both partners. I knew a girl who years after her abortion suffered with guilt and depression over it. She was not religious, or even that young, and she still regreted it.

    If it was me, I'd keep it.
    Keep in mind that having a child is also an enormously emotionally taxing experience, and statistically speaking, seems to be about the same. People trying to tell you that abortion is harder on or more dangerous to women psychologically or medically than pregnancy and giving birth are inevitably either ignorant, pushing an agenda, or both.

    Thanatos on
  • GnomeTankGnomeTank Registered User regular
    What Thanatos says is absolutely true. Pregnancy ravages your body. It's a huge emotional and physical toll. That's not to downplay the toll of abortion, but his point that people who try and push the point that abortion is somehow "harder" than actually carrying a baby to term are likely trying to push an agenda. It's junk science, mostly pushed by fundy's in their "science journals", that hasn't played out in reality at all.

    They are both trying, difficult experiences. Make the decision that's best for you and your family, long term.

    Sagroth wrote: »
    Oh c'mon FyreWulff, no one's gonna pay to visit Uranus.
    Steam: Brainling, XBL / PSN: GnomeTank, D3: Brainling#1998, NintendoID: Brainling
  • ceresceres Humming hallelujah in the dark Lost with a compass in the fogSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    You have plenty of money coming in to the point where unless you own a house in Ritzville, USA, that shouldn't even be a consideration. Even if you stay at home and do nothing but raise children forever, she can pump for a bit or you can formula-feed and she can be back in a few weeks to move on with her career and you'll STILL get $80k for your family even if her salary stays static for the rest of your lives, which it won't.

    And yeah, your wife needs therapy if she seriously thinks or fears that her insides are going to fall out with some minor physical exertion, because that is NOT normal or healthy.

    Honestly, from the wording of your post, it sounds like you really don't like kids, and that in itself is a pretty good reason not to have more.

    That's all just commentary though. Whatever you decide, get your vasectomy so you never have to make this decision again. If your doctor won't help you with it, find one who will.

    It'll be just as quiet when I leave as it was when I first got here
    I don't expect anything.

    The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    I should clarify that when I say "statistically speaking, seems about the same," I'm referring to the emotional consequences of either.

    Physically/medically speaking, pregnancy is substantially more dangerous, and substantially harder on your body.

  • GnomeTankGnomeTank Registered User regular
    Thanatos wrote: »
    I should clarify that when I say "statistically speaking, seems about the same," I'm referring to the emotional consequences of either.

    Physically/medically speaking, pregnancy is substantially more dangerous, and substantially harder on your body.

    I watched my ex-wife go through it, it's amazing what it does to your body (and I don't mean amazing in the good way). My ex was a health nut when she was pregnant, exercised, ate incredibly well, took every prenatal vitamin recommended to her plus some. My daughter came out healthy as all get out, but it easily put ten years on to my ex's body. In the span of nine months, she went from 25 to 35.

    Sagroth wrote: »
    Oh c'mon FyreWulff, no one's gonna pay to visit Uranus.
    Steam: Brainling, XBL / PSN: GnomeTank, D3: Brainling#1998, NintendoID: Brainling
  • Sharp10rSharp10r Registered User regular
    You'll be surprised at what you can afford if you want to. There are organizations that will pay medical and first year expenses just to help you choose to have your baby. Also, I have to imagine the abortion will be hard for a hypochondriac since they will be chopping up and vacuuming out the corpse. My counsel is to have the child. Io9 just had an article on abortion and mentioned that most that want to abort but don't, end up loving attaching and wanting their child after birth. If you still don't want him after birth, someone else will.

  • ceresceres Humming hallelujah in the dark Lost with a compass in the fogSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    Sharp10r wrote: »
    since they will be chopping up and vacuuming out the corpse

    It's already been covered that they don't necessarily need to do it this way, so don't come in peddling unwarranted fears please.

    It'll be just as quiet when I leave as it was when I first got here
    I don't expect anything.

    The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
  • GnomeTankGnomeTank Registered User regular
    edited April 2012
    Also, the comment about "most who get one don't want it" isn't true. Statistically, it's almost a 50/50 split. There is no science that says that a majority of women regret it, though I've heard that thrown around a ton as a pro-life talking point. In any case, usually the people who got an abortion but didn't want it were 'forced' to through some life circumstance (no money, know they can't raise a child even if they want it, etc). Most of the women who got one and didn't regret it probably didn't want the child at all to begin with. It's a skewed and almost worthless statistic, and shouldn't be the basis for any individual to make a decision.

    GnomeTank on
    Sagroth wrote: »
    Oh c'mon FyreWulff, no one's gonna pay to visit Uranus.
    Steam: Brainling, XBL / PSN: GnomeTank, D3: Brainling#1998, NintendoID: Brainling
  • MegaMan001MegaMan001 CRNA Boston, MARegistered User regular
    ceres wrote: »
    Sharp10r wrote: »
    since they will be chopping up and vacuuming out the corpse

    It's already been covered that they don't necessarily need to do it this way, so don't come in peddling unwarranted fears please.

    Yeah, this is not how an actual abortion is done. Again, I perform anesthesia on a weekly basis for outpatient and inpatient abortions for a variety of women in a variety of trimesters. I'm more than willing to explain things via PM if anyone has any serious questions.

    I am in the business of saving lives.

    camo_sig2.png
  • mrt144mrt144 King of the Numbernames Registered User regular
    Thanatos wrote: »
    Thanks for all the input. Ill support her in any decision she makes.

    We have an appointment to see our doctor next week. We live in alberta canada so I know its fully covered. This may sound stupid but are family doctors required to give us all information on our options or should we be going to a special clinic to get information on abortions. We just havent known our family doctor very long and she seems very prolife. She was actually the one who talked me out of a vasectomy.
    A lot of doctors don't like to do vasectomies for people who have only one or two kids because they're very difficult to reverse if you change your mind later.

    If he's in the Seattle area he needs to go to Dr. Snip.

  • DhalphirDhalphir don't you open that trapdoor you're a fool if you dareRegistered User regular
    This is not really the kind of question that an internet forum can help you with.

    If you do not really want the child, have an abortion. Even if you have negative feelings about the abortion, that's better than having a child that you didn't really want. The child is around for a lot longer.

    And on the complete opposite hand, an abortion isn't something you can change your mind about - you can't say "oops, I actually wanted that child" and reverse it. When it's been done, it's done.

    So think very carefully, but remember that ultimately this is her decision.

    Tube-san wrote:
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  • Natas_XnoybisNatas_Xnoybis Registered User regular
    have an abortion, then have a doctor give you the *snip, snip* so this isn't an issue down the road.

    I hate Computers
    GIS is evil
  • psyck0psyck0 Registered User regular
    Thanks for all the input. Ill support her in any decision she makes.

    We have an appointment to see our doctor next week. We live in alberta canada so I know its fully covered. This may sound stupid but are family doctors required to give us all information on our options or should we be going to a special clinic to get information on abortions. We just havent known our family doctor very long and she seems very prolife. She was actually the one who talked me out of a vasectomy.

    This is late, but as a Canadian medical student I thought someone else might find this useful, since it wasn't answered.

    In Canada, doctors are legally required to give you all the relevant information about abortions, or to refer you to someone who will without delay. There are no bullshit laws like describing the fetus to you like they have in the US, and if they did something like that you could complain to the college and get them in a very large amount of trouble. First trimester abortions are incredibly safe procedures (far safer than pregnancy) and there is absolutely no future risk of breast cancer, no increased risk of mental illness including depression in the near or distant future, and no reduction in her fertility should you want another child down the road. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying, and if they are a medical professional, should be reported to their college.

    Big Man in training.
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  • mythagomythago Registered User regular
    ceres wrote: »
    You have plenty of money coming in to the point where unless you own a house in Ritzville, USA, that shouldn't even be a consideration. Even if you stay at home and do nothing but raise children forever, she can pump for a bit or you can formula-feed and she can be back in a few weeks to move on with her career and you'll STILL get $80k for your family even if her salary stays static for the rest of your lives, which it won't.

    There's been great advice on this thread (other than the people making shit up about abortion), so I don't feel I need to add to that, but this particular statement caught my eye.

    It's *not* true that you can easily predict "oh, she can just pump or you can give formula and it doesn't cost much really". Pregnancy and childbirth can have complications such that Mom can't just jump right back into work after a few weeks. Children, as the OP already knows, create huge opportunity costs - particularly if there are any complications or ongoing medical problems. It's not just X salary off for Y years, but additional costs in everything from housing to food to time off from work. I'm *not* suggesting that children are a horrible financial burden that will ruin the OP; only that it's kind of a myth that Mom can just hop out of bed after a few weeks and pump/give formula and everything's easy. BTDT.

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  • ceresceres Humming hallelujah in the dark Lost with a compass in the fogSuper Moderator, Moderator mod
    My sister-in-law has done it twice, so I know it can. But that's anecdotal.

    It'll be just as quiet when I leave as it was when I first got here
    I don't expect anything.

    The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote.
  • mythagomythago Registered User regular
    Oh sure, it can be done. The problem is you can't predict it will be. If Mom has complications, or the baby does, or pumping just isn't working out, then it's going to fall apart, and it's not something where you get a do-over.

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  • HorusHorus Los AngelesRegistered User regular
    I don't have kids myself but my I have a big family who have kids. One thing for sure if having a 2nd or 3rd child, the cost to raise them does not significantly increase, especially if they are the same gender (hand me downs).

    Also you need to think of this.... career/work is not always going to give you fulfilling life. Just make sure what your doing because I feel you will face hardships in whatever choice you make. All I am asking is don't just think how things will play out in the next year or two but long term.

    Would it be to much to meet a therapist/life coach/religious figure to really think about this? I have this gut feeling if you do get an abortion every time you see your first child, your gonna see your aborted fetus.

    I am just making sure you think all scenarios before making a decision and I hope my post just makes you think on the whole picture.

    “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”
    ― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!
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