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Chill [Short Story 1410 Words]
Wank
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Aaand back to general fiction. Please let me know what you think! Also I need a title that doesn't suck.
*retracted for publication*
*retracted for publication*
Wank on
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Also, the writing is, at times, too beautiful for a first-person piece. A lot of the time, especially in the beginning, the imagery and verbiage do not sound like something that would come out of a young guy's mouth. Other times - the second to last paragraph is a good example - everything flows naturally and the effect is spot-on. I would probably decide if you want the flexibility with prose that a third-person piece grants you, or if you want the intimate and more conversational style of first-person. Because for me, the two are in contrast right now. (Generally, I find your style more suited to third person, but that's not to say you can't do excellent things with first person.)
In the end, I'd probably put this in the Great Piece, But Not Suited For Stand-Alone category. It reads, to me, more like an excerpt from a longer piece.
Maddie: "I am not!"
Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
Maddie: "I am a placental mammal!"
And I get you about the unrealistic prose. This is the first first-person piece I've done in ages and it looks like too many of the third-person tricks seeped over. Tried to sell it with the "poet" line, but I'd probably be better served getting a handle on simpler voices.