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Conflicted about a friend's gf
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I’m getting a very ‘missing the forest for the trees’ vibe from a lot of posts here. Let’s look at the topic: “Conflicted about a friend’s gf”. Alright, let’s start there. First, you’re not conflicted OP. You know precisely what it is you want: her. Oftentimes what people do in situations like this is seek permission under the guise of seeking advice. If there were no shady elements to this situation, this topic wouldn’t exist. Let’s look at the facts. You have a friend (your description, which is telling in that you used that term specifically over another like ‘acquaintance’ or ‘work buddy’, etc) who has a girlfriend you have an interest in. Said girlfriend appears to enjoy time with you specifically, not so much with her own partner. She also went and posted an ad on a personals website seeking “friends”. I’m air quoting the heck out of that.
Look, Occam’s Razor kicks in pretty early in these situations and it’s fairly simple to see what the deal is. You need to ask yourself, “Self, how much do I value my friendship with this guy?” Further, you need to place yourself in his position. If your girlfriend spent a ton of time alone with one of your friends, especially if it was in lieu of hanging out with you, how would that make you feel? I’m not arguing the propriety of it here, that’s for another topic in another subforum. I’m simply putting the question out there. If I had to guess, based on what I know of human nature, my own experiences, those of countless similar topics on this forum and those of friends close to me, I’d guess you’d feel pretty upset and we’d see a “My girlfriend is hanging out with another guy a whole lot – Should I be worried?” topic pop up here. Now, let’s say the she decides to dump your friend and go for you. Hurray, right? But wait. Keep in mind how this all transpired. This girl had a guy, grew disinterested, didn’t speak to him on it but rather put herself out there as available socially. If it happened to him, it could just as easily happen to you.
So, here’s the advice: walk away. Even if you don’t value this guy as a friend, this girl’s actions are more than just a little duplicitous and not at all indicative of someone who knows how to be in a healthy, communicative relationship. If you’re truly only seeking a running partner or tennis buddy, there are plenty of other options out there for you. In all future dealings, be honest with people and yourself. Head games are for high school.
1)As I said,her profile was marked as "looking for friends" and I try to make it a point not to get in the middle of any relationship my friends have (Ironic based on this thread, I know)
2)She said she cares about him, but there's red flags in the relationship. So she's keeping her options open while seeing where things go with him (not necessarily with me either). Made sense to me.
3)I just found it odd that he moved his seat closer to her mid conversation. Granted I could be reading too much into that.
4)Would I date her if they broke? Yeah, possibly, but it would depend on a lot of things, foremost how my friend would take it and her interest (which if I may say I have no idea about). Right now I'm more interested in just making sure I'm not the cause of any drama.
5)I'm interested in her with the caveat that she wouldn't be dating my friend. As it is right now I can easily separate any interest and just hang out with her as a friend as I pursue other people.
I don't even know where the "secretely making plans to date her while they hang out" part comes from.
You can ask her directly about setting you up, or work it out as some sort of group activity and go from there.
So basically, you can have the girl, or you can have the friend. Chooooooose.
It comes from your OP specifically stating that you might be interested in this girl. It comes from the fact that you made a thread about this situation on an Internet forum under an alternate account. This isn't a thread where you ask how to talk to a girl. This is a thread where you are asking how to continue to spend time with this girl who is involved with your friend. And she doesn't really like him any more. And she has an OKCupid account that is active. And you have feelings for her.
You need to step back and decide whether you're keeping all of this from your friend because you "don't want to get in the middle" or because you don't want to ruin your chances. Be honest, here. You were happy when she confided in you that she doesn't really like your friend any more. You were ecstatic when she told you she was "keeping her options open." This was a borderline stranger who confided in you about not liking your friend anymore, and you kept that to yourself and continued to spend time with her. While your "friend" is an hour away.
And OKCupid is a dating site. Don't be naive. People in committed relationships don't "keep their options open."
That isn't information she confided to you, that showed up on the Internet. Id feel pretty terrible if my buddies Knew my girlfriend created a dating profile account and didn't tell me about it.
If this guy is just an acquaintaince that changes things, but if you run in the same social circles, your mutual friends may break with him should you move on this girl.
#FreeScheck
#FreeSKFM
I think that the OP is doing what a lot of shy/nerdy guys do, where as soon as a girl starts to talk to them, or they find a girl that shares remotely the same interests or likes as them, they are immediately attracted to them.
Just move on.
I think you should have a talk with the girl in question and tell her how you feel... say that you feel great hanging out with her, you might see a potential relationship with her, and the ball is in her court now whether she wants to give it a shot. You'll ofcourse be completely respect if she feels that you and her are just friends, but if there's really something more between you two then let her know that you're available only if she is back in single status.
After the breakup occurs, let things cool down a while and then eventually go official... you might want to ask your friend if it's okay for you to go out with her after she broke up with him. Prepare to still go out with her even if he says no... in that case you'll lose a friend. If he say everything is cool then none is the wiser and your conscious will be guilt free.
The worst cast scenario is if she told you that she broke up with him but didn't... and that'll just be very sneaky on her part. You'll need to do some due diligence to see if they really did broke up... and if that situation truly came out then you quickly disassociate, tell your friend that she've been two timing, and ditch that girl completely.
I've always noticed you have an odd barometer of what constitutes a "girlfriend" or someone you're "dating." I think, for the most part, two adults don't sit down and have an official talk that they are now seeing each other exclusively. It just occurs organically. If the OP's friend is introducing this girl to his buddy's as "his girlfriend," they are at a point where it's not okay to be fishing around on dating sites. Or else she should be correcting him when he introduces her this way.
Anyway, if you want to still hang out with her, be smart, be careful, I've been on both sides of what you are in right now. Just be sure to keep your head on straight and don't get too infatuated, your dick will get you into trouble if you are not careful, and cause a lot of irreparable damage around you.
P.S. Though at the very least I can say that prick saved me from crazy, I learned some things after the breakup. Like my ex was faking veterancy, one of the most despicable things imaginable.
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Normal, healthy adults who are seeing multiple people are open with their SOs that they are seeing multiple people. It's not normal, healthy or mature to wait until your SO said "I thought we were dating each other exclusively" to say "But we never talked about that! Surely you assumed we were dating others!" That's kind of a dick move.
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Pretty sure the OP never said the word "girlfriend" or that anyone was being introduced as that. I'm a little hungover though, so I may have missed it in my quick review of the thread.
"Significant other" implies a commitment of sorts, which as far as I can tell, the OP's friend and this girl don't have at the moment.
Well, lookie there. I have noticed though that many, many younger folks can't distinguish between when others have a girlfriend/boyfriend or when they're just dating.
There is nothing worse than suspecting a significant other is cheating, except that they might be cheating on you with someone they would call a friend. This isn't some silly "bro code" or "man protocol", this is common decency and respect. Think about your buddy's feelings for a second here, because right now all you've thought of are your own (and that includes remaining willfully ignorant of the girl's, which are obvious).
Even if this guy is not a good friend of yours, what you're doing is wrong. If the guy was a stranger you had never met and you ended up catalyzing a break-up and dating the girl, it's still pretty bad man.
You need to sit down and talk to your buddy. Tell him that you're really happy to have a partner for the activities that you enjoy. Tell him that she's set off some red flags, and he deserves to know - and that knowing these things has made it uncomfortable for you to hang out with her (this is true, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this.. unless it was to ask for advice on how to steal the girl, which I don't think is the case).
Satans..... hints..... I'm a mo bro!
If a friend's girlfriend tells me, while we're alone, that she isn't all that interested in him anymore, and then she pops up on my OKCupid feed, it's absolutely, 100% my place to tell him. I have no obligation to keep this girl's secrets. It's not like I went snooping through her E-mail or read her text messages over her shoulder. She told me something about my friend that he would very much want to know. My loyalties to him would trump any loyalties I had to her: someone I just met.
It's not conjecture or unfounded accusations. It's something she said to him. What's so unfounded? I'd hate to think I would have a "friend" that would find something like that out and keep it a secret. Think of how you would feel if you were the other guy and you found out after you broke up that your friend knew this info and sat on it?
She said she was having "doubts" (which happens quite frequently) and her OkCupid said she was looking for friends. She didn't say she wasn't interested anymore, if she wasn't, she'd just dump him. OP also made sure to tell us that he barely saw this guy in an attempt to distance his emotional ties to him, so I don't think they're exactly best buds or anything.
Again, two adults with absolutely nothing nothing beyond what the OP wants to hear going on. Not his business unless something is truly happening.
In my experience, she wouldn't just dump him. She would wait until she found something better, and then dump him. I think Figgy is right in telling the friend, if they are truly friends. It's what I would do. That said, I don't think it makes the OP a bad person if he doesn't - it just reveals the nature of their relationship.
Run away.
Drama + new relationship = crazy
You have dated/known some pretty goosey people apparently.
typically when someone gets dumped "out of nowhere" it wasn't really like that
I have known girls (and dudes) who do this because they are really insecure about being alone even when they are not satisfied with the relationship
they might hang on til they land a better arrangement, which is shitty, but it does happen
OP: I think I would probably tell your friend about it, with the caveat that he might not be your friend later on. Even if she's not romantically interested in you, he might be suspicious of you when this girl breaks up with him "out of nowhere" -- which is what I suspect is going to happen to him sooner or later.
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Does the OP's friend know that?
That's the problem, right? Nobody here is communicating. Girlfriend apparently isn't telling Friend what she's feeling or that she sees their relationship as casual. Friend isn't telling OP he is feeling some vibes between them and he's wondering what's up. Friend isn't telling Girlfriend or Friend anything.
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Yeah...
I tend to assume people are gooses until proven otherwise.
That's what I said.
You clearly know what you want to do and you clearly know what's right and you ALSO clearly know how those two things intersect.
Be a douche or don't; "some guys on the internet said it was okay" is not going to make you any less responsible for the outcome of your words and actions.
Whatever happens, wherever things go or don't because you encouraged or discouraged, You. Are. Responsible. You ARE that guy.
So which guy do you want to be?