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Back So Soon [Scifi Short Story 2440 Words]

WankWank Registered User regular
Hey guys, another scifi piece. This one is not so serious, but does seriously need a crit. Maybe a good title. Thanks!
Spoiler:

Question for after reading:
Spoiler:

Wank on

Posts

  • ElJeffeElJeffe Super Moderator, Moderator, ClubPA mod
    The story overall is good. Not great, not bad. I think cutting the story off when Blake goes to sleep is a better point; the bit with the chauffeur at the end is too cute, even if it fits in with his behavior in the beginning. Her comments earlier about how she's going to tell all her friends about the incident ably communicates that it was something positive overall without the chauffeur scene that follows.

    All the pop-culture references to existing companies seemed a bit much to me, especially for what seems a pretty distant-future sort of scenario. A company that is huge now will not necessarily be huge in fifty or a hundred years. And the idea that half a dozen of the most culturally prominent corporations now are still going to be the most culturally prominent countries in the not-very-near future is a tough sell.

    Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
    Maddie: "I am not!"
    Riley: "You're a marsupial!"
    Maddie: "I am a placental mammal!"
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