Also cornering someone at a party and trying to forcibly take their shirt off after being told no gets filed under crazy/creepy/completely inappropriate.
This. Her behavior is not that of a polyamorist who's somehow bravely defying Western convention, it's just attention-whoring taken to a batshit extreme. No decent person of any orientation/lifestyle acts like that. That's not the only evidence of her being a few batteries short of a pack, either:
She won't get any job that won't pay her under the table because she's decided she doesn't want any dealings with the government ever because they're evil so she doesn't want to deal with her several years of back taxes even though she'd probably get a significant refund, so she's decided that by never having a job or anything in her own name, she can hide from them.
Anome, what's the status of the planned girls' night out? Has Julie said anything to anyone?
I haven't heard anything from her since before the Facebook breakup. I was at work all day and just got home, but as far as I can tell nobody has any new information yet. Last I heard she still wanted to do it. I would still be up for it honestly - I like the rest of my female friends and haven't had a good girls night in ages. It might be a good time to talk to her and see where her head is. If she has good reasons for the end of her and Ben's relationship, maybe I'll be able to stress that they'll both be happier single.
And yes, the shirt incident was beyond creepy but that was the one and only time that talking to the two of them seemed to get results - that specific behaviour has not been repeated. Although I'm pretty sure she grabbed my ass the other day. If she decides that the best way to get over Ryan is to go for me, I'll be much less nice about it than he's been.
Lastly, just to clear up a minor point of discussion, as I said before I have no problem with polyamory or any other flavour of non-monogamy if it's practiced consensually but as has been rightly pointed out in this thread, the incidents I've pointed out have been anything but. She does also have a kind of girlfriend, though it's more a girl she occasionally makes out with to grab attention. I didn't think to mention it before because that's not really the thing that's causing problems. The girlfriend (now dubbed Cindy) knows that she doesn't want to stay but they've been drifting toward friendship because Cindy is a pretty non-sexual person and Julie's been oddly good about respecting that.
Also cornering someone at a party and trying to forcibly take their shirt off after being told no gets filed under crazy/creepy/completely inappropriate.
This. Her behavior is not that of a polyamorist who's somehow bravely defying Western convention, it's just attention-whoring taken to a batshit extreme. No decent person of any orientation/lifestyle acts like that. That's not the only evidence of her being a few batteries short of a pack, either:
She won't get any job that won't pay her under the table because she's decided she doesn't want any dealings with the government ever because they're evil so she doesn't want to deal with her several years of back taxes even though she'd probably get a significant refund, so she's decided that by never having a job or anything in her own name, she can hide from them.
Anome, what's the status of the planned girls' night out? Has Julie said anything to anyone?
I haven't heard anything from her since before the Facebook breakup. I was at work all day and just got home, but as far as I can tell nobody has any new information yet. Last I heard she still wanted to do it. I would still be up for it honestly - I like the rest of my female friends and haven't had a good girls night in ages. It might be a good time to talk to her and see where her head is. If she has good reasons for the end of her and Ben's relationship, maybe I'll be able to stress that they'll both be happier single.
And yes, the shirt incident was beyond creepy but that was the one and only time that talking to the two of them seemed to get results - that specific behaviour has not been repeated. Although I'm pretty sure she grabbed my ass the other day. If she decides that the best way to get over Ryan is to go for me, I'll be much less nice about it than he's been.
Lastly, just to clear up a minor point of discussion, as I said before I have no problem with polyamory or any other flavour of non-monogamy if it's practiced consensually but as has been rightly pointed out in this thread, the incidents I've pointed out have been anything but. She does also have a kind of girlfriend, though it's more a girl she occasionally makes out with to grab attention. I didn't think to mention it before because that's not really the thing that's causing problems. The girlfriend (now dubbed Cindy) knows that she doesn't want to stay but they've been drifting toward friendship because Cindy is a pretty non-sexual person and Julie's been oddly good about respecting that.
Like you, I have no issue with polyamory among consenting adults. My question is, was Ben OK with her making out with other girls? Or was he just putting up with it. At the moment I'm thinking the latter but this is just my assumption.
You should definitely talk to him about what happened and if this is a proper break up or not. Like I said earlier, have a really close friend of his sit down and talk to him. If they've actually broken up, the conversation can be a more frank one. NOT aggressive. Don't make him feel like he's being attacked. But honest. If they're not going out, you don't have to be so delicate about what you think. That's not a freebie to be a dick though.
There shall be no frank post break-up talk because there was never a break up. It was just a ploy to get attention. And I fell for it even though it wasn't my attention she was trying to get.
Well, I think that probably close to wraps it up for this little venture. They're still as together as always, she's still nuts, he's still apathetic to the point of barely moving. Thanks for all the advice, I'll do my best to be supportive of changes for the better. There are a few of us who think she should try to see a therapist of some kind so maybe we can make that happen.
Unless someone has some earth shattering advice to help one or both of these poor souls, I think we can let this thread quietly fade away. If only she would do the same...
Uh. Obviously I'm not an expert and I don't have the whole picture with only just the messages posted here, but Julie sounds somewhat like someone who is hypersexual.
A friend of mine in HS went out with a hypersexual for... I can't recall exactly, right now. Maybe 3~ years? There are a lot of parallels from that wretched epoch to the stories you've shared.
The root of the matter is I am honestly worried about him. I would never have described him as a "party dude" but now he just does nothing. A whole year of disappearing into another person the way he has is not healthy.
Yeah, I mean, depending on how much of this is exaggeration or not, that's hypersexual territory.
So, take the following statements with an enormous grain of salt, because it wholly hinges on my current assumption that the girl in question has a specific mental disorder which I have rather spurious reasons for ascribing to her:
I would recommend trying to get your friend to a professional therapist (whether or not Julie has actually broken-up with him). If possible, also try to get Julie to a therapist, because she needs to be medicated before she completely ruins her own life.
EDIT: Oops, I'm an idiot. 'Nymophmania' is a layman's term, and pretty misogynistic at that. 'Hypersexuality' is the gender neutral term I should've used. Apologies.
That's one of the reasons we want to get her to a therapist. She has self-diagnosed herself as hypersexual, but her solution is that clearly she should just have more sex. She wears it like a badge of honour. I'm not sure how much I buy it and how much is her putting on a show. Either way, she's got some serious issues. Who knows, she could be a pretty great person under the layers of crazy. If we can get her to agree to help that would be just super.
Edit: this of course is made more difficult by the fact that she thinks the government is evil and if she goes to a doctor, they can find her
That's why a therapist is important: so you don't rely on a self-diagnosis (or an Internet diagnosis) that's very likely to be wrong. I mean, you also described her as a very heavy drinker: maybe she's an alcoholic and her sex drive is a side effect. Or maybe she's actually depressed or schizophrenic and both the drinking & sex stem from that.
The rabbit hole can go pretty far down.
At any rate, whether or not you can get her to see a doctor / therapist, haul your friend to one for sure. At the very least he needs to get himself tested (if this girl is throwing herself at your group of friends, she may very well be throwing herself at other people you don't know about), and I know that my friend's relationship was incredibly destructive to his self esteem right up to (and all the way through) the inevitable, very bad break-up.
Posts
I haven't heard anything from her since before the Facebook breakup. I was at work all day and just got home, but as far as I can tell nobody has any new information yet. Last I heard she still wanted to do it. I would still be up for it honestly - I like the rest of my female friends and haven't had a good girls night in ages. It might be a good time to talk to her and see where her head is. If she has good reasons for the end of her and Ben's relationship, maybe I'll be able to stress that they'll both be happier single.
And yes, the shirt incident was beyond creepy but that was the one and only time that talking to the two of them seemed to get results - that specific behaviour has not been repeated. Although I'm pretty sure she grabbed my ass the other day. If she decides that the best way to get over Ryan is to go for me, I'll be much less nice about it than he's been.
Lastly, just to clear up a minor point of discussion, as I said before I have no problem with polyamory or any other flavour of non-monogamy if it's practiced consensually but as has been rightly pointed out in this thread, the incidents I've pointed out have been anything but. She does also have a kind of girlfriend, though it's more a girl she occasionally makes out with to grab attention. I didn't think to mention it before because that's not really the thing that's causing problems. The girlfriend (now dubbed Cindy) knows that she doesn't want to stay but they've been drifting toward friendship because Cindy is a pretty non-sexual person and Julie's been oddly good about respecting that.
Like you, I have no issue with polyamory among consenting adults. My question is, was Ben OK with her making out with other girls? Or was he just putting up with it. At the moment I'm thinking the latter but this is just my assumption.
You should definitely talk to him about what happened and if this is a proper break up or not. Like I said earlier, have a really close friend of his sit down and talk to him. If they've actually broken up, the conversation can be a more frank one. NOT aggressive. Don't make him feel like he's being attacked. But honest. If they're not going out, you don't have to be so delicate about what you think. That's not a freebie to be a dick though.
Well, I think that probably close to wraps it up for this little venture. They're still as together as always, she's still nuts, he's still apathetic to the point of barely moving. Thanks for all the advice, I'll do my best to be supportive of changes for the better. There are a few of us who think she should try to see a therapist of some kind so maybe we can make that happen.
Unless someone has some earth shattering advice to help one or both of these poor souls, I think we can let this thread quietly fade away. If only she would do the same...
A friend of mine in HS went out with a hypersexual for... I can't recall exactly, right now. Maybe 3~ years? There are a lot of parallels from that wretched epoch to the stories you've shared.
Yeah, I mean, depending on how much of this is exaggeration or not, that's hypersexual territory.
So, take the following statements with an enormous grain of salt, because it wholly hinges on my current assumption that the girl in question has a specific mental disorder which I have rather spurious reasons for ascribing to her:
I would recommend trying to get your friend to a professional therapist (whether or not Julie has actually broken-up with him). If possible, also try to get Julie to a therapist, because she needs to be medicated before she completely ruins her own life.
EDIT: Oops, I'm an idiot. 'Nymophmania' is a layman's term, and pretty misogynistic at that. 'Hypersexuality' is the gender neutral term I should've used. Apologies.
Edit: this of course is made more difficult by the fact that she thinks the government is evil and if she goes to a doctor, they can find her
That's why a therapist is important: so you don't rely on a self-diagnosis (or an Internet diagnosis) that's very likely to be wrong. I mean, you also described her as a very heavy drinker: maybe she's an alcoholic and her sex drive is a side effect. Or maybe she's actually depressed or schizophrenic and both the drinking & sex stem from that.
The rabbit hole can go pretty far down.
At any rate, whether or not you can get her to see a doctor / therapist, haul your friend to one for sure. At the very least he needs to get himself tested (if this girl is throwing herself at your group of friends, she may very well be throwing herself at other people you don't know about), and I know that my friend's relationship was incredibly destructive to his self esteem right up to (and all the way through) the inevitable, very bad break-up.