likes this Post written by Vivixenne
about a year ago
"Vivixenne is a guru."
I've read a little about OCPD, and I think I have one of the symptoms (an obsession with order and tidiness) but I still inclined to believe that I'm OCD more than anything else.
A good tip is to saying that you "are" OCD... you have it, or the
OCD is a pain in the ass. This helps externalize the issue and separates it from yourself, as a problem to be tackled rather than something being wrong "with" you.
Well, first of all, I was pretty pissed off when I first moved from California to New Mexico at about 11 years old. For a couple of years I would torture myself with this weird ritual. I would never swallow my spit. I always had to spit my saliva out, and if I accidentally swallowed some I would gag myself until I thought the little portion that I'd swallowed and more had left my body. My rationale was that if I swallowed my spit in New Mexico, I'd be swallowing the air and the land, that I would be accepting this place and thus ruin my chances of ever going back to California. Likewise, when I would return to CA for visits, I would always swallow my spit (weird, I know). I would also look to the west constantly while in NM (to look to CA), anytime I thought about it really. I made sure that west was the last direction I'd look before I went to bed, went to school, went inside my house, ect. Sometimes I would even wink while looking in the direction, or even swallow my spit, but only if I was looking west.
That was a pretty bad ritual/obsession that died out after a while.
That does sound like pretty severe OCD, but if it "died out" after a while I'm inclined to think that it may have had more to do with your age than with the issue itself. That said, it does still sound like it could have been a severe OCD symptom.
Nowadays it's usually just obsessive thoughts that bother me; I've gotten a bit better at controlling the compulsions or actions. Sometimes my mind wanders to the most inappropriate places at the most inappropriate times. It's like I make my brain think the worst, most heinous possible thoughts just to torture myself. I've thought about killing or punching loved ones while talking to to them, performing grotesque sexual acts, or just literally blowing up in there faces. I remember while holding my girlfriend's little niece I visualized lifting her up and slamming her on the stone floor, and right away I beat myself up mentally for thinking such a thing. Those kind of thoughts don't occur as often anymore, but when they do I just blow them off or make little mental jokes about them. They bothered me a lot more before I realized I was OCD and learned a bit about the condition. I didn't know if I was crazy or destined to be a serial killer or something.
You'd be surprised about how normal this is; where we feel a compulsion to just DO something (i.e., an urge or a visualisation of the event) with no intent other than to do it. You don't intend to harm or hurt or injure anyone; you just want to do
it and it's not always clear why. This happens in plenty of people; most of them just don't disclose it because they all think it's "weird" or is indicative of something being "wrong" with them. What counts is that you do not act
on these compulsions and are aware that they are irrational ones at that.
I've always wondered if I show any externally visible signs that people pick up on when I'm thinking shit like that. I suspect that sometimes they do, but it probably seems like I'm not paying attention or that my mind is wandering more than anything else.
Probably not; sometimes people do just space out in the middle of a conversation. In that sense, it does kind of happen to everyone.
I could name a few more somewhat interesting examples, but I'll leave it at this. I'd like to say that I know I have it easier than most people on Earth just based on where I live and the family I was born into, so I feel like a bit of a poon for babbling on about my issues. I try to think positively everytime I'm troubling myself, and I think of how lucky I am that I wasn't born with some horrible mental retardation, or as a cripple, or merely in some poverty stricken city where I would've had very little hope to achieve anything in life.
If you struggle with these issues, then there's nothing wrong with babbling on about them. As it is, you have a lot of protective things going on for you and if you were
diagnosed with OCD a few years ago, you may very well not
be if you presented to a psych today. That said, you seem extremely insightful and you are aware of what's going on for you; if you just need a little extra help to sort your brain out or when you feel like you're losing control, that's where therapy (particularly CBT, which you would likely respond very well to based on what you've written above) might be useful.