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Spark [Short / Flash fiction, 375 words]
Hello everyone, new here!
Spoiler:
Her mother rubbed a critical finger over the faded salt crystals on the girl’s shoulder. “Go shower this off.”
“Can’t I do it at the house?”
“No. We’re guests, and you’ve been using up all the water. Go.”
The girl hopscotched barefoot toward the back of the taverna, treading the cool patches where the olive branches and wicker interspersed and cast the darkest shadows on the concrete under the noonday sun. She had avoided its shower for days, since the Greek boy had kissed her. He had leant in whilst the water rushed around her and touched his lips to hers. A sharp, painful jolt startled her, and he had smiled broadly as she flinched, and fled.
Since then, she had found herself looking at her parents, and wondering. Did you get used to the shock? How much did you have to like someone for it to be worth it? She had agonized quietly over whether she wanted to see the boy again, or any of the boys back at home. Maybe she would become a nun.
This time, the showers were empty. Unknown to her, the boy was being washed elsewhere. Trying out his brother’s motorcycle, he had skidded on the loose packed roads, and his mother was picking gravel out of his raw back with a trembling hand as he sat in the bath, the water pink with blood.
The shower on the left groaned and sputtered. She leaned over to the one on the right, gripped its water-beaded handle, and gasped. It thrummed. She looked down at her feet and remembered standing on the same grille as she was kissed. She realized: a loose wire inside the shower had somehow made an electrical connection between the lattice and the handle. The boy had gripped the handle, and completed the circuit as they touched, shocking her.
Her parents asked her why she was smiling when she came back, but she refused to answer. She held her discovery close, feeling a little wiser and more adult; a little smug perhaps, having seen behind the magician’s curtain. It was a bit sad that the explanation was so mechanical, but she was reassured, the promise of a future of pain and shock suddenly taken away.
apologies for general pretentiousness, feedback would be great!
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Note, I'm not saying Omniscient 3rd person is wrong (though I will admit that it's not my cup of tea). I'm reading Larry Niven's Lucifer's Hammer right now, and he constantly jumps back and forth into different character's points of view with little or no warning. However, the tone of the rest of this piece seems to indicate a limited 3rd person perspective, so the side note about the boy just feels kind of jarring to me, is all.
Otherwise, it's a nice little story, enjoyed it very much.
WiiU NNID: BigDookie
Personally, the figurative/literal play on "shock" here is a little too cutesy for my tastes. I also don't understand the plumbing in this place, where would this loose wire be? I mean I guess this place could be a place where plumbing doesn't have to meet code, but I was distracted enough by this that I had to do some googling
It's interesting enough, and I think it is well written overall, but yeah, as soon as you say (paraphrased) "The narrator doesn't know ____..." it's like telling your reader not to care.
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Edit: ah I see that you wrote that it was his brother's cycle. Still, an 8 year old wouldn't be riding a motorcycle. Unless he was a total badass, I guess.