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Your Own Way Back [Scifi Short Story 3340 Words]

WankWank Registered User regular
in The Writer's Block
Hey guys, just finished this. Need a real title and also crits. Thanks!

*retracted for publication*

Wank on
I write speculative fiction, too.
• Agree Awesome

Posts

  • GotrGotr Registered User
    This was a very good read, Wank! I very much enjoyed it :)
    It does need a much better title.
    But really, you have a good story, a nice world but a better focus on a story we can relate to on an emotional level, good dialogue, good pacing, the futuristic elements you introduce never need much explanation and that's a great thing, etc.
    I'm usually pretty good at nitpicking, and I'm sure I could find something to critique, but at first glance, this is a solid story worthy of a less dark Vonnegut.

    Spoiler:
    [/spoiler]
    • Agree Awesome
  • liquiddarkliquiddark Registered User
    Too close to the stuff I'm working on to crit properly, so I stopped reading it, but it feels decent. I'm assuming all the passive is intentional; it's that kind of story, so it fits.

    Current project: Old Man Hero, a graphic novel in three parts
    @oldmanhero tumblr
    • Agree Awesome
  • WankWank Registered User regular
    Okay, I'll bite. Where is the passive? As I have always understood it, passive voice is "____ was helped by ____"

    rather than

    "____ helped ____"

    and I do not see that in the story.

    Wank on
    I write speculative fiction, too.
    • Agree Awesome
  • liquiddarkliquiddark Registered User
    It's actually not as bad as I thought it was on that first read. There are a few, was finally growing (which is probably arguable as a descriptor rather than a passive verb, but more on that in a second) for example, but they're more noticeable because there are a lot of uses of the word was - the mausoleum was, he was younger, he was twelve, etc. It's not passive, exactly, but it accentuates the places where passive does (arguably) appear, and it is perhaps a sign that your story is about a lot of things that happened before the time frame of your story. Which is what I meant by "it's that kind of story".

    It's still too close to what I'm working on to crit objectively, and I'm sorry about that. I really enjoy your writing, and the volume you're producing is admirable, but in this case I've got some things in the pipe that are about very similar things and I end up seeing them instead of the story in front of me.

    Current project: Old Man Hero, a graphic novel in three parts
    @oldmanhero tumblr
    • Agree Awesome
  • liquiddarkliquiddark Registered User
    The self doubting demon in my head has made me come back and say let's forget I said anything, because I'm pretty sure I've done this before and realized after the fact that I was a) wrong and b) complaining about nothing. So...yeah.

    Current project: Old Man Hero, a graphic novel in three parts
    @oldmanhero tumblr
    • Agree Awesome
  • KrunkMcGrunkKrunkMcGrunk Registered User regular
    really liked your story, Wank

    mrsatansig.png
    • Agree Awesome
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