The Girl Who Outsmarted Her Own Shadow [3500-ish words]

VanityPants

So, this one is a little fantasy story with some classic fairy/folk tale trappings. Critiques would really be appreciated.

Spoiler:

Aaand it's gone! Sorry guys! I took all of the advice given here, applied it to edits, and have shipped it off to be JUDGED by official magazine-things. Thanks for all of your help!

tapeslinger

This is intriguing, but it feels really... Hm. Safe.

Spoiler:

The main threat is not very threatening and most of the story action happens accidentally or unchallenged. The shadow creature isn't presented as being very menacing and his immediate threatening qualities are nullified when he reveals her mother has been affected for years... Also, if the shadow has controlled her mother for years, how has the daughter evaded capture for so long? I know the superstitious ritual is part of it but really needs to be more connection or something. I'm not totally sure as a reader that I understand how the mother would always have that much self awareness if the shadow is such a threat.

I like the styling of this piece though-- you always seem to have a good sense of place in your stories and this is no exception.

VanityPants

Thanks for the feedback, Tape!

Spoiler:

I get what you're saying about it not being threatening enough. It sounds like I may be able to boost some of that by changing some of the situation with her mom. I wanted her mother to be able to still warn her with rituals despite being controlled by the shadow--I'm sure I can make her seem to struggle more against "herself" to make the threat more apparent when it's revealed.

And Silvara evaded capture because the shadows live across the river and she'd stayed on their side until the day she crossed and brought back the stone with the shadow. I'll have to go in and clarify that, but it should be easy enough!

Thanks again! I feel like I know where some of the problems are now, so I'll see what I can do to get back in and fix that up.

EmptyGlass

Hey, good read!

Spoiler:

Well from the way Silvara's shadow was behaving, it seemed like it was pretty selfish, so perhaps her mother's shadow would do everything it could to not be detected; the more it acted like her mother the less suspicious anyone would be. So instead of showing the mother struggling against it, maybe it's just that it had self-preservation. Also what happened to the father? Why even mention him unless something is to happen with him?

Typo stuff: you wrote "silver steak" instead of "silver streak" I think. Also, when her mom leaves and she's talking to Agi, you wrote "she eyed door" instead of "she eyed the door"

m3nace

Would it be kosher to say "all the colors of an aurora" instead of "all of the colors of an aurora"? Because that one "of" seems a bit irrelevant and annoys my tongue, but it might just be me. Pedantry aside it was a good read.

VanityPants

@m3nace I don't see why it would be a problem! Now that you've pointed it out, the double "of" is bothering me, too. Hah. Thanks for the feedback!

@EmptyGlass Yes! I'm glad to know the shadow came across that way to you, I was worried it just flat out didn't come across the way I wanted it to. I'm going to eye the section up a little, still, and see if there's not anything I can do to work on it. I intended to mention her father just sort of conversationally, since he's part of her life even though he's not around at the moment. I've had someone else mention the reference to him making them think he'd show up/expecting him to show up, though, so I guess I need to take a look at that.

Thanks for the feedback and for catching those typos!