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OpposingFarce
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http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/165513/trouble-achieving-orgasm#latest
So, what I'm trying to say is try talking it out with her. Tell her that you want to be a good lover for her, and that your difficulties in bed aren't because you're not attracted to her. If it's your first relationship, I'm assuming that it would be your first time having sex (correct me if I'm wrong). If that's the case, you could try having her encourage you to do certain things that she likes.
Try starting slow once the clothes come off. Don't jump right to the jimmy hat. Kiss each other, touch each other. Go down on each other. See if you can get her to orgasm just from that. Once she's had her satisfaction, the pressure to perform might not be so bad, and might not cause problems.
Granted, I'm no expert. My girlfriend just broke up with me. But I think this might be a good approach.
Keep doing, clothes come off at the same time, get the condom out and ready before you're naked. Once naked (while doing those things) put the condom on (or have her put it on) and you should be good to go.
I also recommend you practice putting on condoms until you can do it in 2 seconds.
If the condom in particular is the problem, like others have said, switch it up. But I'm guessing the issue is the fidgeting around and taking a few minutes to get situated which is way too long to maintain an erection for you. Don't worry it's happened to most everyone at some point in their life.
Maybe use oral to keep her occupied while you recover and recompose yourself.
One thing that I'd suggest is have her put the condom on instead, that way you can incorporate it into the foreplay rather than stop for a few minutes while you fumble around with a package and inevitably lose your erection.
@Essee that could work, her getting BC, but we're both hesitant because the issue is really with me. Having her do this may not necessarily fix the real issue.
@Inx, I guess never considered doing her first, then me. I'll try that.
@bowen, that's basically what I've been trying to do, but I guess I should just practice some with putting it on. And it was never like I was fidgeting for minutes it just... I don't know. Deflates.
@kaliyama, I don't know, I just feel like it would come up on a statement or something. I'm not exactly sure how it would go. I'll investigate the school clinic though.
Thanks guys. Talking about it helps.
Its been my experience that direct clitoral stimulation orgasms and actual vaginal penetration orgasms feel completely different - so even if your girl gets overly sensitive after an orgasm, you may find that after manual, toy, or oral stimulation that she's still fully capable of continuing fun time.
Also - stimulation for you both will be based on positions, so make sure you're switching it up during each session...Her legs over her shoulders, Her Legs over your shoulders, Her laying sideways, Doggie Style, Her on Top, Her on top Reversed. If you both aren't getting a good cardio workout from your session, then its time to step up your game.
As for the other stuff - you are 21 years old, you can go to the doctor on your own and make your own co-payment. Don't give an explanation to your parents if you don't want to.
Medical diagnosis don't show up on bills - and depending on the state - Dr/Patient confidentiality will restrict them from telling them what you went in for.
If you HAVE to have an excuse, say you went in for a mean chest cough and they gave you some codeine and Robitussin.
Bottom line on the blue pill, is that if you think you need it, then odds are you do. Nothing is going to cure that insecurity except you, and that's a lot harder to treat than blood flow.
(as a sidenote, I watch porn and masturbate almost every day, and my fiancee and I also have sex almost every day. That doesn't work for everyone, but my point is, I doubt it's porn/masturbation that's to blame, since you never did it to what I would call an excessive amount. It has not been uncommon for me to masturbate 2-3 times a day for months on end during my life. Excessive is when you're getting towards 5+ every day, I think xD)
Two: Size only matters to an extent. Too big can be an even bigger problem than too small (many, many women have said this to me). Smallness can be made up for with skill, attention to your partner, and willingness to put her pleasure before yours. Bigness? Well, that kind of just hurts for most women, no matter what. So, I really wouldn't worry about this too much. If you're an attentive partner who makes the effort to make sure she gets her pleasure when you do end up having sex (and this may necessitate going down on her until she orgasms after every time you have sex - which is okay!), then I think this will ultimately not be an issue for you. I have seen many women say "he's small, but he knows how to use it and he cares about my pleasure, so I love having sex with him." I have seen very few women say "he's too big, but it's okay." So, I would really not worry too much about that.
Now, on to advice!
I don't think you have ED, because you can get erections/have orgasms. Don't worry about that or think you need to go to a doctor for this. I think what you have is pretty common; I think you have performance anxiety/nerves.
Which is something many (if not most) men have grappled with at some point, so don't feel bad! I had issues with it when I was first losing my virginity too - I couldn't wear condoms for a long time without almost immediately going flaccid. I kind of lucked out because the girl I lost my virginity to and dated for a year after that was on birth control, so I had time to get comfortable/confident with sex before having to think about condoms (and even then for the first couple months she had to give me head for 5-10 minutes so I could get hard enough to have sex; I eventually got over this and haven't had issues since, but this is very common). You may not have that luxury, so, here are my thoughts:
-Have you guys made out naked and just spend time being naked together? It sounds like you guys are trying to transition directly from making out/over the clothes groping to sex, which is really rushing things in my opinion, especially as you're a virgin. It's really important to be comfortable with your body, her body, and the two of them together before you try to do anything sexual. Discomfort leads to nerves, and nerves lead to a very hard time keeping an erection (think about it - it constricts blood vessels, which makes it hard to stay, uh, hard). So first, I would just hang out naked. Make out, lie on/next to each other, fondle each other, get used to your bodies being together.
-It sounds like you haven't done much fingering/hands stimulation or oral, which again, you should do. Get her off with your fingers; have her give you a handjob. Get her off with your mouth; have her go down on you. Be sexual without trying to have vaginal intercourse; this is the quickest and best way to get try to get over anxieties and really get used to being sexual with this person. Over time, as you get more comfortable, you'll have an easier time of things.
-Try doing things that aren't sex while wearing a condom. Masturbate, have her give you a handjob, stimulate yourself (to orgasm!) while wearing a condom so that your dick gets used to what stimulation with a condom feels like.
Basically, do everything with each other's bodies that isn't vaginal intercourse, until you feel comfortable and confident, and then try penetration. It will take some more time, and hard work and patience on both of your parts, but eventually you'll get there.
(and, if even after all that, you still have issues, consider a cock ring - slide them on when you're erect and it will help you stay hard)
1. You say "the clothes come off and I go soft." So don't take your clothes off. Just undo your pants and shift around a bit, same for her. Might work out, and some people find it a little kinky, too.
2. Can you put a condom on when you're alone w/o going soft? If not, try putting it on part way and then work to get your erection back, then put it on more, and so on. You need to be comfortable with the idea of having a condom on while feeling good, and it sounds like you're combining a lot of things that's causing you to lose your erection. You're not used to wearing condoms, you've not had sex, and you're nervous as shit. It's not at all surprising that you have these problems, and many men have similar problems when having sex with a woman for the first time.
Trying a "dry run" with the condom is always good advice. Speaking from personal experience, when I first started having sex, I'd deflate practically at the sight of the condom because I'd had difficulty maintaining a proper erection after putting it on the first couple of times, and then I was subsequently so nervous about putting on the condom in the future that I probably couldn't have shriveled up faster if I'd dunked my nuts in a glass of ice water.
Buy yourself a six pack and a bottle of the latex-safe lubricant of your choice and try incorporating one into your masturbation. Think of it like training.
The condom holds no fear.
Yes, I know this sounds incredibly counter-intuitive. But they work better with a small amount of lube on the inside as well as the inside. Reduces stress on the latex.
Explicit
So things get hot and heavy, use a thumb to press down across this vein (base of your penis, where it meets your body), do a kegel. Then get the rubber on (or have her do so). If you feel like it keep pressing down and hold the kegel (or do kegels) as you insert yourself, and if you like keep doing so while fucking until you feel you don't need to.
Maybe practice this with a rubber on your own.
Also, do kegels. Harder erections and more intense orgasms, what's the downside?
Also it's almost certainly not ED because you said you can get an erection without problem. This is all a matter of your brain.
Performing oral is pretty effective when it comes to regaining an erection, at least in my experience. And while foreplay while clothed is great, you're missing an awful lot if you're not continuing it once the clothes hit the floor.
No, the bill should go only to you. I know this kind of thing is embarrassing but your sexual health + happiness is way more important. Are your parents going to send you to a convent? I'd certainly hope not. If they're really hardcore fundamentalists or anti-sex I see your point, but your school clinic should be well-equipped to deal with these kind of patient privacy issues.
Also, I don't work well with condoms at all either. That means two things - first I might gamely try it at first, but it's just as likely I wait to get tested with somebody before having sex. Second, if somebody isn't willing to take birth control I can't be intimate with them. Not that I recommend pushing the issue if your partner doesn't want to as the burden is borne by her - differing forms of birth control can wreak hormonal havoc especially if the person is overweight or prone to depression, but them's the breaks until male bc gets FDA approval.
All the advice about oral is good, too. If you know you can bring her to climax w/o maintaining an erection the whole maintaining your boner thing is much lower-pressure.
If you do this outside of insurance then you'll be the only one getting any type of documentation.
To clarify, I always go down on her before the condom gets involved, it helps me get ready. Also I finger her to orgasm a lot which helps with the frustration - she always walks away satisfied. But of course it has to be the real thing sometimes, this can't do forever. I forgot to mention we do all this, so we aren't lacking in the foreplay. If anything she said it might be too long.
Last night she came to visit. We had some alone time and it was very good. As we were fooling around she kind of pushed me inside her without a condom on (heat of the moment sort of thing), and it worked and felt good* but I withdrew very quickly after because she isn't on BC and that's playing with fire. *This is good because it means my member has acclimated to other things than the masturbation death-grip, as it was refereed to in another thread. Not that I have a tight grip to begin with. Last night also featured lots of just lying around naked together on the couch watching TV in-between bouts of making out and pleasuring each other.
So last night was a success in that everyone was very happy last night, but still haven't hit the goal of actual sex. I went into it with the mindset I wasn't even going to try to put on a condom, and it just let me enjoy the moments we had. My condom supply is low, but I'm going to go purchase some more to do what has been suggested, try dry runs. It also taught me that sex would work if she were on BC most likely. We'll have to talk about that, she brought it up before but both of us thought it would be ignoring a deeper issue, but maybe that's what it takes, like kaliyama said.
"Why don't you have a seat over there..."
3clipse, that's a good idea with the lube, we thought of that last night too when we were talking about it.
And I'll have to investigate the kegal exercises.
Beyond Seven condoms are a popular choice, but I think you may want to look into the Lifestyles "Skyn" brand, which don't use latex but instead use polyisoprene. According to the Amazon reviews, people report that they have better heat transfer and feel much better than latex. It won't keep you erect, but it will help things feel better when you get going.
If it was the porn, then he wouldn't be able to orgasm even with his girlfriend. A huge part of orgasm is mental--just because he can't get off imagining something doesn't mean there's anything wrong. It all depends on the frame of mind. Hell, even just the position you're in can majorly effect things.
And I've never even heard of Beyond Seven, or the Lifestyle brand. Definitely interesting, I'll have to look for those!
2. Have you tried having her put the condom on you?
If she is willing to do that, You should groom those, out of courtesy. In my opinion, anyway.
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