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The American Presidency Battle Royale: Coliseum Edition

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  • SniperGuySniperGuy SniperGuyGaming Registered User regular
    I was gonna go with Aaron Burr then I remembered he's not a president. So yeah, TR. Takes more than that to stop a bull moose.

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  • KanaKana Registered User regular
    edited August 2012
    taylor.jpg
    Zachary "Old Rough and Ready" Taylor
    + Experienced career military man
    + Poker face
    - Couldn't even stop Jefferson Davis from marrying his daughter
    - Looks like Mr. Frog

    kennedy-wwii.jpg
    John F. Kennedy
    + War Hero
    + Relatively young and in shape
    - Lacks an overpowering lust for violence and death
    - Old war wounds
    - Unfortunate lack of bullet-dodging skill

    main-qimg-2a3468fc560eb59c7eab3c53c9a5d61f
    Barack Obama
    + Relatively young and in good shape
    + Only dude in the field capable of sustained jogging
    + Black skin will probably confuse some of the earlier presidents into thinking he's not in the competition
    + First black president yet hasn't been shot means he's clearly got mutant spideysense
    - Unlike some competitors, does not kill for sport
    - 1 black dude surrounded by a bunch of old-timey white guys usually ends poorly

    andrew_jackson.png%3Fw%3D468
    Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson
    + Started fighting in wars at the age of 13
    + Dueled with political opponents and liked it
    + Generally seems to really like violence
    - Chaotic Evil. No alliance-forming once they see Jackson chew through Millard Filmore's carotid artery
    - Might get distracted by trying to conquer the arena and murder its native peoples, no matter what the supreme court says

    il_570xN.231283212.jpg
    Abraham Lincoln
    + Wiry strong tall guy with crazy reach.
    + Nice guy who gets tough when the chips are down
    - Again poor at dodging bullets
    - Lacks bloodlust

    rooseveltbear.jpg
    Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt
    + Combat leader
    + Moved on to larger game once he got bored of killing men
    + Also a boxer
    + Probably immune to bullets
    - Not exactly a Cardio dude

    Kana on
    A trap is for fish: when you've got the fish, you can forget the trap. A snare is for rabbits: when you've got the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words are for meaning: when you've got the meaning, you can forget the words.
  • YougottawannaYougottawanna Registered User regular
    I read somewhere that Lincoln had some sort of glandular condition or something that made him freaky strong. It's why he's so gangly and his face looks weird.

  • LoserForHireXLoserForHireX Philosopher King The AcademyRegistered User regular
    There are a lot of ex presidents that have a bunch of wartime experience. You've got Grant and Ike in there. Calvin Coolidge was super into fitness and being in shape. I can see him as a bit of a threat.

    It also kind of important that no one has a gun.

    "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to give into it." - Oscar Wilde
    "We believe in the people and their 'wisdom' as if there was some special secret entrance to knowledge that barred to anyone who had ever learned anything." - Friedrich Nietzsche
  • HuuHuu Registered User regular
    So will daddy Bush and son Bush get along or go right for each other's throats? There seem to be some pretty heavy daddy issues going on.

    My vote is for Jackson.

  • GoslingGosling Looking Up Soccer In Mongolia Right Now, Probably Watertown, WIRegistered User regular
    Yeah, Obama would be among the first out. Just too much racism
    Gosling wrote: »
    You always go with the big-game hunter. Andrew Jackson would come in second, but he'd be too busy racking up a body count and Teddy would jump him sooner or later.
    So who do you see being the first body to hit the floor?

    Obama. Racism, pure and simple. He is one guy up against a whole bunch of people who didn't take kindly to blacks. One of them would shout 'kill the (N-word)' the second they laid eyes on him and there'd be a mob focused on him before they do anything to each other.

    I have a new soccer blog The Minnow Tank. Reading it psychically kicks Sepp Blatter in the bean bag.
  • Salvation122Salvation122 Registered User regular
    edited August 2012
    Gosling wrote: »
    Yeah, Obama would be among the first out. Just too much racism
    Gosling wrote: »
    You always go with the big-game hunter. Andrew Jackson would come in second, but he'd be too busy racking up a body count and Teddy would jump him sooner or later.
    So who do you see being the first body to hit the floor?

    Obama. Racism, pure and simple. He is one guy up against a whole bunch of people who didn't take kindly to blacks. One of them would shout 'kill the (N-word)' the second they laid eyes on him and there'd be a mob focused on him before they do anything to each other.

    Only idiots make a play on the Cornucopia

    The smart guys book it into the woods and kick it for a while as the crazies off each other

    Obama is not an idiot

    Salvation122 on
  • Brutal JBrutal J Sorry! Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry. Registered User regular
    Jackson would have the highest body count, but ultimately be jumped from behind as he savagely beats FDR to death with his own wheelchair.

    Obama could last a while if he goes back to back with Clinton, but I fear his desire to reach across the aisle will get the better of him as he makes a doomed alliance with Richard Nixon; some people just never learn.

    Washington and Lincoln will last till the end as I see them as both smart enough to stay back, and high profile enough for no one to want to fuck with them, aside from Jackson or Teddy.

    Jackson though will be too busy going for weaker prey, and Teddy will work his way up before calling Washington out to throw down.

    Teddy will go the distance, defeat Washington, but ultimately will bleed to death from several dozen stab wounds.

    The winner will be Lincoln parading Reagan's head around screaming "This is what happens when you ruin my fucking party".

  • enlightenedbumenlightenedbum Registered User regular
    Gosling wrote: »
    Yeah, Obama would be among the first out. Just too much racism
    Gosling wrote: »
    You always go with the big-game hunter. Andrew Jackson would come in second, but he'd be too busy racking up a body count and Teddy would jump him sooner or later.
    So who do you see being the first body to hit the floor?

    Obama. Racism, pure and simple. He is one guy up against a whole bunch of people who didn't take kindly to blacks. One of them would shout 'kill the (N-word)' the second they laid eyes on him and there'd be a mob focused on him before they do anything to each other.

    Only idiots make a play on the Cornucopia

    The smart guys book it into the woods and kick it for a while as the crazies off each other

    Obama is not an idiot

    If this were the Hunger Games and not a no holds barred knife fight I might agree. Though he does have an underrated killer instinct.

    Self-righteousness is incompatible with coalition building.
  • GoslingGosling Looking Up Soccer In Mongolia Right Now, Probably Watertown, WIRegistered User regular
    Also, this is a tiny arena. There ain't no forest for Obama to go hide in. He IS the Cornucopia.

    I have a new soccer blog The Minnow Tank. Reading it psychically kicks Sepp Blatter in the bean bag.
  • Salvation122Salvation122 Registered User regular
    I was mostly kidding guys

  • KanaKana Registered User regular
    Gosling wrote: »
    Also, this is a tiny arena. There ain't no forest for Obama to go hide in. He IS the Cornucopia.

    Man first thing Jackson is doing is busting south and daring people to do something about it

    A trap is for fish: when you've got the fish, you can forget the trap. A snare is for rabbits: when you've got the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words are for meaning: when you've got the meaning, you can forget the words.
  • HachfaceHachface Not the Minister Farrakhan you're thinking of Dammit, Shepard!Registered User regular
    Let us consider possible alliances.

    The most obvious are familial. John Adams and John Quincy Adams are natural allies, as are Bush the Greater and Bush the Lesser. Furthermore, I suspect that Theodore Roosevelt's ultimate tragical downfall may be attempting to protect the doomed Franklin Delano out of a sense of filial devotion.

    If B-Rock the Islamic Shock has any hope of surviving for any appreciable length of time, he needs to hitch his star onto the wagon of a recent liberal president. Unfortunately, from the standpoint of a deathmatch, he is dealing with a shallow talent pool: Jimmy Carter is feeble, John F. Kennedy suffers from a debilitating back injury, and FDR's fatal flaw is all too obvious. His best hopes are Lyndon Johnson and Bill Clinton, provided that Clinton still isn't too bitter about the 2008 primary. Overall, Superallah's prospects are extremely grim.

  • AtomikaAtomika Live fast and get fucked or whatever Registered User regular
    Lincoln.

    Crazy reach, freakishly strong, wields an ax, and has a super-scary Judge Doom-like voice.

  • AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    Lincoln.

    Crazy reach, freakishly strong, wields an ax, and has a super-scary Judge Doom-like voice.

    Except that they're all issued the same combat knife.

    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
  • TheCanManTheCanMan GT: Gasman122009 JerseyRegistered User regular
  • Theodore FlooseveltTheodore Floosevelt proud parent of eight beautiful girls and shalmelo dorne (which is currently being ruled by a woman (awesome role model for my daughters)) #dornedadRegistered User regular
    And as this All-American bloodbath commences, our attention is drawn momentarily elsewhere. Just outside the arena, Romney stands on tiptoes, the fingers of one hand laced through the chain link fence; a Gerber LHR Combat Knife, price tag still on its packaging, is clutched under his other arm. A single tear rolls down his cheek.

    His voice wavers as he calls out to those leaders of men. "Is it my turn," he asks.

    He is unheard.

    f2ojmwh3geue.png
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    I've been to too many Washington Nationals Games to be able to put my chips on Theodore Roosevelt when it comes to any sort of Presidential competition, unfortunately.

    Gotta go with Jackson. George Washington would call a coliseum battle-royale an exercise in uncivilized barbarism reminiscent of the very worst of Rome's decline. Andrew Jackson would call it Tuesday.

    I would only change my bet if the arena were large enough for Taft to get his legs going because once he's got his momentum, tackling him would be like trying to handcuff a walrus.

  • Form of Monkey!Form of Monkey! Registered User regular
    Thunderdome was always a game for the young and brash, not the old and wizened.

    As two of the youngest and most physically fit Presidents to ever serve, Barack Obama and John F. Kennedy divine an opportunity. They join forces. Forty-two old white men fight back tears more successfully than they may fight time.

    x8dgw.jpg

    uG1do.jpg

    The pair know they lack familiarity with Bowie-style knives. Many of their predecessors would keep such a blade on their person as an everyday tool, used for such tasks as peeling an apple or branding a negro.

    But what the two men lack in comfort with the blade they make up for in ferocity with it.

    Obama is first to sign the floor with the lifeless body of another. The bloated fart ballon they once called Taft falls facile. At an easy 350 pounds, Taft could not hope to avoid a throat-slitting at the hands of the 44th. None could.

    Blood, tendons, and what by later accounts was a half-eaten turkey drumstick spill onto the floor of the arena from Taft's newly-ventilated neck. Must have gotten stuck in there. These things happen.

    Obama seizes Taft's own blade, carefully lifting two of the pudgy, lifeless, hot dog digits skyward as his armory grows.

    These blades, these two blades, he shall name "Hope" and "Change," and their ineffable wrath shall be the undoing of all.

  • Kipling217Kipling217 Registered User regular
    I think Jackson or Obama is will be the first to die, followed by Harrison. Obama because of the N-word Issue, sorry no ways around it, some of our former presidents where horribly racists. Harrison because of the health issue, even if he is at the best health of his presidency, he is still struck with a fatal disease that will kill him. Nobody wants to ally with a known liability and that is it for him.

    Jackson... because not only is he Jackson, but every other player knows he is Jackson. He is a an ornery murderous son of a bitch with several duels under his belt. since its stipulated that every president has been given info on every other president everybody knows this. Since he would never join an alliance where he wasn't the undisputed boss, he is SOL. Nobody would want to risk their lives in alliance with him. He is alone and the first big alliance would kill him just to get him out of the way.

    Of the post war presidents, Reagan would go fast with Bush I close behind. They are old and even in their best presidential shape they would be weak. Nixon, Kennedy and Johnson would be interesting since who would end up killing who is the big question. The rest I don't know.

    Washington would have an advantage in that almost every other president considers him the Father of the Country and would follow him as a result. He is in pretty good shape and got an ability to keep cool under pressure. Look for him to lead an alliance.


    Any thoughts on Millard Fillmore?


    The sky was full of stars, every star an exploding ship. One of ours.
  • TheCanManTheCanMan GT: Gasman122009 JerseyRegistered User regular
    edited August 2012
    SammyF wrote: »
    I would only change my bet if the arena were large enough for Taft to get his legs going because once he's got his momentum, tackling him would be like trying to handcuff a walrus.

    5Jq3i.png

    TheCanMan on
  • AngelHedgieAngelHedgie Registered User regular
    Fillmore goes down early. Jackson wears his scalp in a jaunty manner.

    XBL: Nox Aeternum / PSN: NoxAeternum / NN:NoxAeternum / Steam: noxaeternum
  • KanaKana Registered User regular
    Kipling217 wrote: »

    Any thoughts on Millard Fillmore?


    Nope!

    Millard-Fillmore1.jpg

    Andrew and Teddy have the eyes of the tiger

    Fillmore's got the glassy stare of the domesticated dairy cow

    A trap is for fish: when you've got the fish, you can forget the trap. A snare is for rabbits: when you've got the rabbit, you can forget the snare. Words are for meaning: when you've got the meaning, you can forget the words.
  • nexuscrawlernexuscrawler Registered User regular
    Grant would be like a human molotov

  • jothkijothki Registered User regular
    For Nixon, the question isn't when he'll go down, but when he'll stay down. I can see him surviving surprisingly long just because everyone thinks he's already been taken out.

  • Caveman PawsCaveman Paws Registered User regular
    Would more recent Presidents have an advantage due to improved diets and access to modern medicine/combat training? Abe might be a tall, strong woodsman type, but how many back/neck/joint injuries was he working with that no one would have considered/known about?

  • Eggplant WizardEggplant Wizard Little Rock, ARRegistered User regular
    Let's not forget Gerald Ford. Supposedly his common depiction as a clumsy oaf was incorrect, and in fact he was a former college football player and one of our most athletic presidents.

    Hello
  • Chomp-ChompChomp-Chomp Shonen Princess Registered User regular
    I think Truman wouldn't finish last. Scrappy bastard.

    My real vote is for Quentin Trembley III, our illustrious 8 1/2 president.

  • MuddBuddMuddBudd Registered User regular
    Uh, you guys need to see this.

    http://www.etsy.com/shop/sharpwriter

    There's no plan, there's no race to be run
    The harder the rain, honey, the sweeter the sun.
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited August 2012
    Would more recent Presidents have an advantage due to improved diets and access to modern medicine/combat training? Abe might be a tall, strong woodsman type, but how many back/neck/joint injuries was he working with that no one would have considered/known about?

    There will be no realized nutritional advantages for any competitor thanks to event sponsorships by PowerAde and McDonalds.

    MuddBudd wrote: »
    Uh, you guys need to see this.

    http://www.etsy.com/shop/sharpwriter


    il_570xN.242508240.jpg

    Anyone else feel like there's some sort of racial commentary here?

    SammyF on
  • TomantaTomanta Registered User regular
    I'll go with Teddy. Anyone who can take a bullet during a speech and continue on like it was nothing is going to do well.

    I mean, sure, Jackson beat a would-be assassin with a cane but Teddy doesn't misfire, especially since knives, you know, don't misfire.

  • enlightenedbumenlightenedbum Registered User regular
    @AngelHedgie Can we get a title change to avoid confusion?

    Self-righteousness is incompatible with coalition building.
  • Eat it You Nasty Pig.Eat it You Nasty Pig. tell homeland security 'we are the bomb'Registered User regular
    edited August 2012
    Do we get a feed of the various pre-1900 presidents when they open their dossier on Obama? I feel like their reactions should be documented for posterity.

    Any relatively nondescript guys would probably be the first to go (after obama, that is.) People would target the least threatening guys first.

    If I had to lay money on any president, it'd be either TR or Nixon. TR because he was legitimately hard as hell, and Nixon because of all the presidents, he'd be the one willing to go the farthest to win.

    Eat it You Nasty Pig. on
    NREqxl5.jpg
    it was the smallest on the list but
    Pluto was a planet and I'll never forget
  • Dongs GaloreDongs Galore Registered User regular
    The first 42 all assume Obama is just a random bystander, so he's left standing after TR and Jackson finally beat each other to death with the mangled scrap metal of FDR's wheelchair.

  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited August 2012
    Do we get a feed of the various pre-1900 presidents when they open their dossier on Obama? I feel like their reactions should be documented for posterity.

    Indeed. It is entirely possible that Jackson would essentially implode when he got to the end of his file box, for instance -- "What in the fuck I did not clear the frontier by personally planning the annihilation of multiple indigenous peoples from one coast to the other just so that I could eventually hand the Presidency off to some fuckin' ni--" at which point an aneurysm in his brain explodes so hard that it leaves Martin Van Buren's ear ringing.

    This sounds plausible enough that I'd like to change my bet. Abraham Lincoln because as if he wasn't already tall enough compared to many other Presidents, he's going to be so fucking jazzed when he discovers that a black man from Illinois eventually became President. He'll be ten feet tall and bulletproof.

    SammyF on
  • Librarian's ghostLibrarian's ghost Librarian, Ghostbuster, and TimSpork Registered User regular
    SammyF wrote: »
    Do we get a feed of the various pre-1900 presidents when they open their dossier on Obama? I feel like their reactions should be documented for posterity.

    Indeed. It is entirely possible that Jackson would essentially implode when he got to the end of his file box, for instance -- "What in the fuck I did not clear the frontier by personally planning the annihilation of multiple indigenous peoples from one coast to the other just so that I could eventually hand the Presidency off to some fuckin' ni--" at which point an aneurysm in his brain explodes so hard that it leaves Martin Van Buren's ear ringing.

    Eh if Jackson met Obama and talked to him for a bit he'd probably be fine with him being President. Jackson was like that.

    (Switch Friend Code) SW-4910-9735-6014(PSN) timspork (Steam) timspork (XBox) Timspork


  • enlightenedbumenlightenedbum Registered User regular
    SammyF wrote: »
    Do we get a feed of the various pre-1900 presidents when they open their dossier on Obama? I feel like their reactions should be documented for posterity.

    Indeed. It is entirely possible that Jackson would essentially implode when he got to the end of his file box, for instance -- "What in the fuck I did not clear the frontier by personally planning the annihilation of multiple indigenous peoples from one coast to the other just so that I could eventually hand the Presidency off to some fuckin' ni--" at which point an aneurysm in his brain explodes so hard that it leaves Martin Van Buren's ear ringing.

    Eh if Jackson met Obama and talked to him for a bit he'd probably be fine with him being President. Jackson was like that.

    And then he would buy him. And murder some Native Americans for fun.

    Self-righteousness is incompatible with coalition building.
  • Brutal JBrutal J Sorry! Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry. Registered User regular
    Do we get a feed of the various pre-1900 presidents when they open their dossier on Obama? I feel like their reactions should be documented for posterity.

    Any relatively nondescript guys would probably be the first to go (after obama, that is.) People would target the least threatening guys first.

    If I had to lay money on any president, it'd be either TR or Nixon. TR because he was legitimately hard as hell, and Nixon because of all the presidents, he'd be the one willing to go the farthest to win.

    I think we can all agree that Nixon would be most likely to hide under a pile of corpses.

  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    Brutal J wrote: »
    Do we get a feed of the various pre-1900 presidents when they open their dossier on Obama? I feel like their reactions should be documented for posterity.

    Any relatively nondescript guys would probably be the first to go (after obama, that is.) People would target the least threatening guys first.

    If I had to lay money on any president, it'd be either TR or Nixon. TR because he was legitimately hard as hell, and Nixon because of all the presidents, he'd be the one willing to go the farthest to win.

    I think we can all agree that Nixon would be most likely to hide under a pile of corpses.

    I don't think Nixon knows how to hide under someone else when he doesn't have G. Gordon Liddy around to try and take the fall for him.

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