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League of Legends: Blitzcrank's Fleshling Compatibility Services
Mr Fuzzbutt
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
The Journal of Justice wrote:Dating. That one word can invoke so many emotions. From nervousness to excitement, happiness to disappointment, dating can cause a person to just about go crazy! Sometimes you have good dates, sometimes you have bad dates. Sometimes you wind up inadvertently dating a necromancer who, when you decide things aren’t working out, reanimates your dead grandmother’s corpse as a vengeful zombie out to kill you. Most of us have a love-hate relationship with dating, and it’s no real mystery why. The results can be fantastic – live happily ever after! But it can be so expensive and time-consuming! What if we never find our soul mate despite so much effort?
Enter Blitzcrank. Yes, you heard me, Blitzcrank. But what on Runeterra could a steam golem have to do with dating? It turns out he could potentially solve all of your problems with just a few mathematic equations and a Valoran-wide network of magic machines. A little over six months ago, the Great Steam Golem travelled in-between League battles to purchase commercial sites and begin the construction of a chain of magically-outfitted cafés called Pairing Eligibility Reactors of Valoran. He built one of these in every major city, and also in minor outposts all across Valoran. Even Bilgewater now hosts a PERV in the middle of the market district. What exactly were these cafés for? I recently had the chance to interview Blitzcrank, and you’ll be surprised to hear what I found out.FS: “So, Blitzcrank, you are an esteemed League champion and the favorite of many summoners. Why are you building all of these cafés across Valoran? And why are they called Pairing Eligibility Reactors?”
Blitzcrank: “THESE CENTERS SERVE AS MAGICAL HOTSPOTS WHICH ARE ALL CONNECTED IN REAL TIME REGARDLESS OF DISTANCE AND CAN TRANSMIT DATA BETWEEN EACH OTHER. I CALL IT “THE BLITZERNET”. THEY HOUSE MEMORY BANKS AND LOGICAL PROCESSING UNITS VITAL TO THE OPERATIONS OF BLITZCRANK’S FLESHLING COMPATIBILITY SERVICES WHICH WILL LAUNCH IN 6 DAYS, 7 HOURS, AND 42 MINUTES.”
FS: “Blitzcrank’s Fleshling Compatibility Services? That sounds pretty morbid. What does that mean?”
Blitzcrank: “THEY ARE ELECTABLE SERVICES AVAILABLE TO ALL CITIZENS OF VALORAN REGARDLESS OF CITY-STATE AFFILIATION WHICH WILL ASSIST FLESHLINGS IN THEIR ENDEAVORS TO MEET OTHER COMPATIBLE FLESHLINGS FOR COMPANIONSHIP, MATING, AND PROCREATIVE PURPOSES.”
FS: “You’re running… a dating service? At the risk of sounding presumptive and rude, what would a steam golem know about dating and love?”
Blitzcrank: “I HAVE BEEN STUDYING FLESHLINGS OF ALL TYPES AND DEVELOPED A SERIES OF EQUATIONS THAT CAN DETERMINE WITH 96.55% ACCURACY THE SHORT- AND LONG-TERM OUTCOMES OF ANY FLESHLING RELATIONSHIP.”
FS: “Wow, that’s amazing! How does it work?”
Blitzcrank: “USERS MUST REGISTER AT A PAIRING ELIGIBILITY REACTOR OF VALORAN WHERE THEY ARE REQUIRED TO COMPLETE A 748-ENTRY QUESTIONNAIRE DETAILING EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR PERSONALITIES. A THERMAL BODY SCANNER WILL AUTOMATICALLY GENERATE AND UPLOAD AN IMAGE OF THE USER DURING THE PROCESS. USING THE BLITZERNET, THE LOGICAL PROCESSING UNITS WILL THEN COMPARE THE RESULTS WITH ALL OTHER ELIGIBLE FLESHLINGS TO FIND APPROPRIATE MATCHES. USERS WILL RECEIVE THEIR MATCH’S CONTACT INFORMATION IF BOTH PARTIES AGREE THAT THEY WISH TO CONVERGE.”
FS: “I’m sold! 748 questions and a body scan are a small price to pay to avoid more psychotic necromancers. How much does it cost to sign up?”
Blitzcrank: “MINION LEVEL SERVICES INCLUDING REGISTRATION AND MATCH COMPATIBILITY RESULTS ARE FREE. USERS MAY PAY A FEE TO UPGRADE THEIR SERVICE TO SUPER MINION MEMBERSHIP GRANTING THEM PRIVILEGED ACCESS TO COMMUNICATE IN REAL-TIME OVER THE BLITZERNET. A LARGER FEE WILL UPGRADE A USER TO CHAMPION MEMBERSHIP, WHEREBY THEY CAN ACCESS TELEPORTATION PORTALS TO ENGAGE IN INSTANTANEOUS MATING WITH THEIR MUTUALLY-CONSENSUAL SELECTED PARTNERS.”
FS: “So have these services been successful so far?”
Blitzcrank: “THE CLOSED BETA PERIOD WAS LIMITED TO LEAGUE CHAMPIONS AND SUMMONERS AND RESULTED IN A 99.8% SURVIVAL RATE AMONGST ALL PARTICIPANTS. ONLY ONE FATALITY RESULTED FROM INCOMPATIBLE PAIRINGS. EVEN SEVERAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS WERE SUCCESSFULLY MATCHED AND REMAIN IN THEIR SUGGESTED RELATIONSHIP TYPES TO THIS DAY. EXAMPLES INCLUDE LEAGUE CHAMPION ASHE MATCHED WITH LEAGUE CHAMPION TRYNDAMERE, LEAGUE CHAMPION KATARINA MATCHED WITH LEAGUE CHAMPION GAREN, AND LEAGUE CHAMPION JANNA MATCHED WITH SUMMONER BOB NASHAHAGO.”
FS: “Wait, what?! I thought NIDALEE was dating Bob… Oh man, he’s gonna get clawed. Regardless, this sounds too good to be true. Sign me up!”
Blitzcrank: “YOU CANNOT REGISTER UNTIL THE SERVICES LAUNCH IN 6 DAYS, 7 HOURS, AND 39 MINUTES.”
So there you have it folks! In less than a week, you’ll be able to visit your local PERV and sign up for Blitzcrank’s Fleshling Compatibility Services. I know I’ll be at the front of the line, and I’m saving my money to upgrade to Champion Membership from the get go! Happy dating, Summoners!
So, Runeterra, who is your one true pairing? Who do you want to see getting it on?
I've asked DeviantArt to find out what they think.
Of course, these folks are usually fighting each other in the League of Legends so I guess we could talk about that too.
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Mr Fuzzbutt on
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On a related note, I just vomited blood typing that sentence.
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Wrong!
The idea of community moderation is an interesting one, but unless some people can overrule and/or review it, the system is flawed:
1 - Assholes can play the game AND moderate.
2 - There's no video which much of the time is important context
3 - Sometimes people don't care.
I.e. You are mad at someone clearly trolling. (I.e. 3/22 person who walks into a turret)
Someone reading it doesn't know that's true and may see "Oh you called him stupid. PUNISH"
Or just be arbitrary.
Does it work in half the cases? Probably. 75%? 85%? 95%?
I'd say no.
they do have people moderating it
they..they post stats about it and whether it's working
and it's working (the big one was that something like 90% of people who are temp-banned via tribunal never show up in the tribunal again)
: )
... cool story? I disagree that it is working?
They also have said things like "ELO is working like we want" when it is very problematic, that champs are balanced who aren't and they later go "Yeah, we fixed him."
itt we learn who understands how customer service/pr/marketing works in the game industry versus who doesn't.
Not saying I don't want it to work, obviously I do; but it is currently not a great system.
I'm sure we've all had awful games where we die a few times early on and it just snowballs and we end up with a 3/22 score, and having your teammates go ballistic at you just makes it worse.
So yeah, I'd probably punish someone for getting mad at teammates having a bad game.
Also you need quite a few reports before ending up in the tribunal, so if there is a pattern of you yelling at bad people then it's your own fault really.
Also also if you don't care, you probably won't be doing tribunal voting in the first place, and I'm willing to bet that most jerks don't care.
Also also also for the serious/repeat offenders, it does actually go to moderator review. You won't get permabanned without someone at Riot seeing your case.
then i remember that it equals four whether or not I think it does
I'm saying lack of video fails to show you the difference between a 3/22 who is bad and/or just REALLY outclassed (maybe they're drunk? maybe the other team are smurfs? maybe technical issues) versus someone who is BLATANTLY walking into enemies with low HP and/or tower diving to die.
It -says- you need quite a few reports, but I've seen quite a few since doing Tribunal with 1 report and 1 case.
So maybe that's a repeat offender, but there's little evidence to prove that.
But some jerks like to be jerks is the thing.
I.e. the PA "shitcock" theory. If you want to be a douche, go troll Tribunal AND troll games. Twice the fun, right?
Just saying I see people constantly in games who are doing bad, make fun of their team, die on purpose, etc.
Its not just me, it's tons of people I play with who see the same, say even in ranked it isn't better.
People use the "Its not ranked lol" excuse as an excuse to play bad and/or troll.
They clearly have a journaling system (it is how they do the spectator mode), so its too bad the Tribunal doesn't take that tech in as well.
Also, the fact it doesn't auto-detect AFK is a bummer.
It may have some tech in to detect it after the fact, but queueing with someone who says "I'm going to AFK" then doesnt move for 30+ minutes...
after 10 (or even 5, really) I'd say it marks you as AFK and lowers the amount of votes needed to surrender.
If their system was actually that infallible, then everyone would use it.
Simply saying "Hey it works" and providing some numbers doesn't prove anything.
I'm close to 3500ish IP, who should I buy?
http://i.imgur.com/DGvRr.gif
Lyte has a phd, he knows what he's doing.
Yeah. The entire genre has problems, really.
DOTA (original) was lack of any result. If we have a feeder it isn't worth my time, so everyone quits.
Solo queue is pretty horrible, yeah.
I'd much rather queue with friends... Sure we may lose but at least it's more fun with people you know.
Its just that even when I queue with 2 so we have 3, you get the insta-lock people who take whatever roles... even if they're bad.
@CoinageCoinage I'm going to assume the PhD comment was a joke, because if you were serious... lol.
I think it's worth noting that on average, everyone loses 50% of their games.
You have no idea who I am.
I'm fine with you presuming someone else is smarter than you, but don't try and judge me when you have no idea my qualifications.
And what part of "didn't move at all" is hard to understand?
He. Didn't. Move. At. All.
People who are disagreeing with you in this thread are repeating facts that Lyte has talked about.
That there is an auto-detection system for AFK people is a true fact, people get banned for sitting around. Even if you, yourself, sit in game for 10 minutes you'll see you'll get warned that you shouldn't be sitting around. You'll then be disconnected.
lol