Sorry, kind of groggy from lack of sleep...
I recently posted in a previous thread
about a messy breakup from a 4-year relationship (shitty timing, blindsiding, emotional infidelity, etc.). I got a little too emotional which resulted in the thread being closed. Also, foolishly not heeding most of the advice in the thread I've met up with my ex. This was my ex's idea, not mine, and because we were in the same area, I didn't have to go out of my way to facilitate it (she did). As we haven't had a chance to talk after a rather abrupt phone and email exchange right after we broke up, it left me with a lot of questions. I hoped meeting up with her in person would give me some closure.
In the two weeks between the breakup and the meeting, I actually started feeling a lot better. I ended up doing well in my classes, and things were looking up in general. I wasn't obsessing about our relationship anymore, but if I let myself think about it I'd get really upset and angry.
The meeting was mostly positive but still left me really confused. My ex apologized for the shitty timing, execution, the emotional infidelity, and said it was ultimately a spur-of-the-moment rash decision she hadn't put much thought into. I've had a hard time nailing down what eventually led to her decision, but the best I've been able to get by helping her think through it is that our relationship was good when we were still physically together, but started going south halfway through when we started going long-distance. Long-story short, all our conversation devolved into just whining about our work and nothing else positive which led her to seek emotional fulfillment elsewhere.
The thing is, she never raised this as an issue during our relationship, so we never really had a chance to fix it. IMO this needn't have been fatal to our relationship; we could've very easily made an effort to talk about other things. For some reason we just both felt locked-in into this one mode of communication which then led her to believe that not only do I always whine to her about my life, but that my life IS actually miserable. However, this was not the case at all. I was thriving in school, making a lot of friends, and pursuing all kinds of cool opportunities. I just failed to convey this to her, because I didn't want to seem arrogant. I felt like if I talked about how well I'm doing in a class, or how cool a lecture I went to was, I would appear like I'm bragging or something. This is, of course, ridiculous. But, I also find it tragic, because I could have easily fixed this if she had ever brought it up.
If I feel that we broke up under the wrong premises, is there any point in trying to salvage the relationship? I find it really frustrating to end a relationship not because of a fundamental incompatibility, but because she had made wrong assumptions about me. Ironically, I feel more "date-able" than ever, with several women in my life courting me. I honestly think it was a dumb communication problem that could be easily remedied.
As a side note: in a way that's too complicated to explain in H&A thread form, our professional lives have become tied in bizarre twist of fate. So even without a relationship, it would be HIGHLY favorable if we could at least revive our friendship. Help?