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Well This Sucks [Relationship Problem]
StrifeRaZoR
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I honestly cannot think of a better title right now. Sorry about that.
So here's the rundown. I'll be putting most of it into spoilers due to a pretty long read. The woman I have been with for over 6 years is seeing another man. It's not as simple as that, sadly.
The History:
The Situation:
Conclusion: What should I do? I would like as much information and help that I can get. I'm pretty much destroyed right now, and I can tell it's hurting her even more to see me in this state. I've never had to deal with something like this before in my life, so this is entirely new to me.
Thanks for reading. I know it's a long one.
So here's the rundown. I'll be putting most of it into spoilers due to a pretty long read. The woman I have been with for over 6 years is seeing another man. It's not as simple as that, sadly.
The History:
I met her a little over 6 years ago online. I was living in SC, and she was in TX. We were just friends and played quite a few games together. When I turned 21 (I'm 27 now) I received a one-way ticket to San Antonio for a brand new shiny job. I took it, because living in SC was a major problem. There's just nothing there. When I got to San Antonio, I finally got myself situated with a place to live. I couldn't save up for a car because the rent was so high, but the public transportation was pretty solid and I was able to make it work. I let her know over the phone that I had moved to TX and she was absolutely thrilled. She took some time to come up from where she lived to see me. We spent a weekend together (Our very first physical contact with each other) at a hotel. We had all these things planned that we were going to do together, but we just ended up staying at the hotel 90% of the time enjoying each other's company. This was a first for both her and myself. After the weekend visit I went back to my apartment and kept on living my life out. We stayed in touch every day. She told me that she was thinking of moving up to San Antonio to find a job, since she had zero work experience and the place she was currently living was pretty hard pressed for jobs. I agreed to let her move in with me, since I could use the help anyway. Not to mention we really wanted to be together. So she moves in and finds a job, bills get paid, she has a car, things are looking good. We stayed in San Antonio for about 2 years. I switched to another job with better pay, and was even able to get her hired on as well. She wanted to go to college, which was fine. Shortly before she started, I quit my job (I was basically doing 3 jobs at once, but only getting paid for one. But that's another story). I was having a really hard time finding another job, and she was busy getting ready for school. I wasn't going to sit around and hold her back, so I took what little money I had left and went back to SC. Honestly, I'm not sure if I should have done that, but I couldn't sit around and weigh her down while she did all the work AND went to school. I stayed in SC for about a year. We kept in touch and promised each other that we would eventually be back together. She came to visit for a week and finally got to meet all of my friends and family. After she went back to TX, she informed me that she could transfer schools and come to SC. She did, and we lived up near Charlotte for a year while she finished school. Before she moved to SC to finish school, her mother passed away. She took it pretty hard, but her mother left everything to her, so she received an insurance check in the mail. It made things a bit easier on her, and let her finish up with school. About 2 months before she graduated, her dad passed away. Less than a year after her mother passed, so she was pretty devastated. Once our lease was up, we moved back to TX so that she could handle all of the details with the house, boat, etc. That's pretty much were I am now, but with a few more details.
Our Relationship:
When we first met, things were pretty awesome. I was super naive about relationships and had no clue what I should be doing. We made it work, but I did some pretty bad things. I've always had anger issues, and I took a lot of things out on her. I couldn't ever physically hurt her, but I did abuse her trust. She pretty much toughed it out and put up with me for the entire relationship. I've threatened to kick her out, leave, etc. many times. I can't say that I blame her for anything that she has done, as I've had this coming to me for quite a long time. The main issue she has with me is that I'm pretty stagnant. It's easy for me to just stop doing things and sit at home all day. She has kept a job pretty much the entire time. I can't say that I've done the same. I was extremely defensive about these things in the past when she would bring them up, so it just became something that we argued about on a weekly basis. She didn't want to bring me to TX. I convinced her to. I'm not a very social person, and I have some hefty anxiety, so it makes going out and doing things with her pretty tough. Still, she has toughed it out and let me stay here. I've had 2 jobs since I moved here. I'm currently working, so that's a non-issue. It's finally a job that I enjoy and can see myself staying with for a long time...assuming I don't go insane. About a month or two ago, we had a pretty serious argument/discussion about where things were going between us. We both came to the agreement that we shouldn't be together. Maybe at some point in the future we could patch this up. Maybe once I grow up some more and learn to stop being such an asshole to her. Which leads me to the next part.
The Situation:
About 2 weeks ago, she came in fairly late at night and told me that she had a friend over. I glanced back and saw some random guy making his way to her room. At first I wasn't worried, because she's never been the sort of person that can just go out and find someone like that. But after seeing them together shortly after he got there, I pretty much lost my shit. I didn't flip out or yell or anything like that. I just broke down. I couldn't deal with it and locked myself away. I've had multiple talks with her since then about this whole thing. No...we weren't together when all this happened, so there should be no reason for me to get angry. Well, there is one reason. I still have very strong feelings for her. I've let her know that, and she's told me that she's pretty happy with this other guy. I'm glad that she's happy, but I'm not able to stay here while this happens. It's making it very hard to continue on. She has been the better person and has agreed to make it less awkward for me by not having him over very often. She's even agreed to give this some time, so that maybe I can fix the six years I've been a complete jackass. It's not easy for me, though. I didn't let her know how much she meant to me the whole time we were together. I took her for granted, and now I'm paying the price. I don't believe she has feelings for me anymore. She isn't rubbing my face in it, but it's just destroying me to see her do this. She's running herself ragged. She works 10+ hours a day, then goes out with this other guy, then comes home for just a few hours so she can sleep. I would be a coward if I ran away. She needs help. None of her friends like this new guy, so they're pretty much forsaking her. I want to stay here and make sure she keeps this house. The house that her dad left for her when he passed away. I've pretty much spent the past 2 weeks locked up in my room. Anytime she has him over, I just break down and go right back to square one. I've sat and reflected on the things that I've done. I know these things happen for a reason. I know that I'm meant to learn something from this and emerge a better person in the end. There's just the issue of being able to watch her do this to herself and her friends. And yes, I am a better person now. I've broken down and asked for help in every way that I know how. I've called friends and family. I've even started talking to her friends so that I could get more information and feedback on what I should do. Even they agree that I'm not the same asshole that I used to be. I've never been one to open up and talk to someone about these sorts of things.
Conclusion: What should I do? I would like as much information and help that I can get. I'm pretty much destroyed right now, and I can tell it's hurting her even more to see me in this state. I've never had to deal with something like this before in my life, so this is entirely new to me.
Thanks for reading. I know it's a long one.
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Get out, maybe get some help with your depression, and get better. You will BOTH be happier for it.
I know it doesn't mean much to say this, but she's still a good friend and a good person. I'm going to try to get some more feedback from her. She's very open with me, so that's not an issue. I'm going to start making personal plans to get out, as I feel that's the best thing to do.
Edit: Just to clear another thing up, I don't have a car. If I save up to get one, I'll be here even longer. Luckily I don't need a car to keep this job. It's just hard to leave right now. There are ways out, and I'll take them as soon as I can.
The kicker to this little story is, on my birthday a few weeks after breaking up we had agreed to have a nice meal together. That night she comes back with another guy to go watch movies at his place. It hurt like hell, and while I didn't yell or scream or anything I let her know that it hurt like hell that she had forgotten my birthday after being together for 3 years and the fact that we'd only been broken up for about 3 weeks at the time. Needless to say it made things hard for both of us and after trying to not break down on a near nightly basis I tried to do the wise thing and spend a lot more time with friends, went to the gym, drank. But staying there became near toxic as there was that awkwardness. A lot of hurt feelings, distrust...in the end she had said she hated me which just was the last straw. A week later I called my family and got help from them to move back home. I gave her a check to pay the last part of the rent that I would owe for the last month on the lease as it was just before it ended and washed my hands clean of her so I could get my head on straight.
The point is, you need to get out of there. Like others have said, she's a big girl and while she might be losing friends it's not worth beating yourself up nightly as she brings this guy home. Get out, get your life in order and try to make the best of this and most importantly, take this experience and learn from it and grow as a person.
The only thing I'm afraid of is this new guy. I'm not, like, AFRAID of him, I'm just afraid of what he may do. I get a really creepy vibe from him, and I feel as though he's going to hurt her. I don't dwell on it, but it's something I've voiced to her and her friends. He's 11 years older than her and ex-military. He's got some pretty serious issues going on in his life that makes me look like a very stable individual. I know, I know, it doesn't matter. I want to stick close in case this guy goes PTSD bat-shit insane. I know that's a bad idea, and I'm fairly certain I can push this out of my mind. Like I said...this is my first time dealing with something like this.
Thank you for the advice, guys. Please, keep it coming.
What the hell dude? You're not her bodyguard. She can deal with her own shit. All aspects of her life, let her deal with. It has little to do with you.
I know. It's still on my mind, but I'm slowly pushing it away. I'm not trying to be her bodyguard. I'm not even suggesting that I'll do something about it. It just makes me uneasy knowing that it might happen. Six years leaves a lasting impression on someone, and I would feel like total crap if it happened to her. I'm not trying to be a white knight and swoop in to save her, I just either don't want to be around when it happens, or just forget that it could ever happen. I'm weird, I know.
Get out. Leave.
Rebuild your own life.
Get healthier, physically and mentally, enjoy life for a while, get used to being on your own again.
Forget this girl, your relationship with her is over. Dead. Gone.
Grow as a person, then find someone who will make you forget this girl ever existed because they are so amazing.
There is no future, she's seeing someone else now. Stop trying to find excuses to stay and start your life man.
Sage advice.
Also please stop telling your ex and especially her friends that you think her new man might hurt her and implying he is crazy or violent. No wonder her friends are wary of him... You've just painted him as a violent possibly deranged unstable ex-military. I understand if you want to worry about it to yourself (you shouldn't, but i understand) but whether it is intentional or not you're sabotaging her new relationship on several levels
I don't know this guy. He may genuinely be a creep. But please don't tell me you automatically got the crazy vibes from him when you heard he was ex-military.
Also, you may still care for her, but as mentioned earlier, you're not her bodyguard. Unless you really feel like your friend is in danger (in which case, I hope you can logically tell her why) then I would stop trying to play the hero and "protect" her from her new boyfriend.
Actually, just to clarify on that, I'm not the one that brought it up. Her friends did. I wasn't going to say anything, but he did some pretty absurd and creepy things when he met them for the first time. He's not allowed at their residence anymore. I confirmed it with them, and we spoke briefly about it. And no, just because he's ex-military doesn't mean he's going to go crazy on her. Many of my friends are ex-military and they're just fine. I've had no issues from them. But it doesn't matter. I'm done judging them. I'm just biding my time until I can get out.
move out right now
Especially if you have depression issues. It won't get easier seeing her with other guys. And guess what? Every single guy she meets you'll think is a worthless shit, because he isn't you, and you're jealous. And that's normal, but it'll tear your heart out and make you miserable. You won't be able to become "just friends" (most likely) and you're going to hate every minute you're together with the two of them.
Seriously, even if you have to live in a crappy little one bedroom one bath apartment for a while, just get out, start exercising, get some hobbies, and if you are really broke and are freaking out I'll gift you Monaco on steam or something.
Just get out ASAP.
ASAP will be about a month from now. Not sure I'll be able to make it to that point, but I'm going to try. I've searched high and low for apartments or folks that need roommates around here, and it's a freakin' ghost town. The closest apartments within my range are about 45mins away. And it's summer, so that basically translates into a 2 hour drive...and I don't have a car. I'm relying on a co-worker to get back and forth to work. The traffic here is completely insane. On the weekends it's nearly a 30min wait just to get ON the bridge to the island. All the apartments around here switch over to 'summer mode' around this time of year. There are no more monthly rentals like normal apartments. They're all weekly vacation rentals with insane prices. The town doesn't even have a craigslist section, so I'm pretty much screwed.
Option 1: Grin and bare it until I can save up enough to fly out of here back to SC.
Option 2: Ask for help from friends back in SC. But even if that happens I won't be able to take care of myself once I get there. The job market isn't exactly booming in the backwoods right now.
I JUST got this new job and I absolutely love it. They're hiring me on the premise that I'll be staying with them for quite a long time. Right now, I honestly have no issues with using them for a few paychecks and then cutting my losses. It'll suck, and I'll be giving up the very first job I've ever enjoyed, but if it has to happen, then it has to happen. I'm in quite the pickle right now. The only reassuring thing is she has agreed to have him over less than 2 times a week. She knows it's rough on me.
Oh WOW, how fucking magnanimous of her...*eye roll*. I mean she's obviously allowed to see other people, but the fact that you're having these negotiations about your sanity in such a blatant way is absurd. You need to realize that your living situation is not sustainable and will just continue to erode your self-esteem, and prevent any recovery period from occurring. One of the only nice benefits of breaking up with someone you're not married to, or don't have shared custody with, is that none of their problems are any longer your problems. It's the same relief you can get from declaring bankruptcy; all the debts you think you still owe to this relationship are now paid off. Things will suck now for a while, but at least learn to enjoy that. You're not impressing her or anyone by being the "better person" and still caring about someone who will do anything now to retroactively justify why you broke up (i.e., see you in the worst light).
I'm actually amazed you're able to think as productively as you have about job prospects. That's a good sign, but you really have to prioritize here. If it really comes down to choosing between a new job and not living with your ex, I'd go with the latter, because the former is NOT REALLY AN OPTION. If there was ever a time to rely on friends/family, now is such a time.
I totally relate to not having a car though; there is zero social mobility in non-metropolitan areas for people who, well, lack mobility. I don't even have any advice to give about that other than it's one of the things I hate the most about living in the states.
First, it looks like when you guys broke up 3-4 months ago, you had a joint account. Is that still the case? If so, you obviously need to take care of that now. No excuses. Seriously. Now.
Next, in that other thread, you mention your job pays "just above minimum wage". I assume this is NOT the same job you currently have? If it is, I would recommend doing as you say and "using them for a few paychecks and then cutting my losses". Minimum wage jobs can be found just about anywhere. You do mention this current job being very new, but 3-4 months can still be "very new" for some people.
Also, I'm confused. Here, you say that she didn't want you to come back to Texas with her; there, you say that you came against your better judgment. That seems to imply that she talked you into it. Which is it? That isn't particularly relevant in and of itself, but if your recollection/retelling of events lacks internal consistency, that can indicate a larger issue.
Regardless, it is vital you leave as soon as possible. If that means going back to South Carolina and crashing on friends' couches for a month or two, so be it. You've been stewing in this profoundly unhealthy situation for 3-4 months now, and that's several months too long by far.
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The joint account is no longer an issue. I have my own account and take care of my own finances. Yes, I have a different job. This one pays a bit more and is actually something I enjoy. No, she did not talk me into coming back to Texas with her. She did not want to take me, but I talked her into it. I had to get out of South Carolina, and I was still pretty infatuated with her. When we arrived in TX, things were looking okay. I still had my anger issues and massive anxiety attacks, which made our relationship suffer greatly. We called it off, but things still continued to go smoothly. We talked about the finances and as long as I was bringing in money there wouldn't be an issue. She's since received a pay raise and more hours, so things are going pretty well in that department. Even though we were 'separated' we were still living together. I usually kept to myself, but there were many times where we would go out and do things together. I was under the impression that we just needed a break from the responsibilities of a romantic relationship. Well, that break turned into a complete meltdown when she brought another guy home. I have no reason to be angry at her, and she admitted that she was stringing me along. Just a week or so before she brought him home, we were pretty happy together, which is why it hit me like a sack of bricks when this happened. It didn't seem to phase her any, so she had definitely made up her mind about how things were going to go. I guess the main issue is that we weren't very clear on our expectations of how this arrangement would work out. I was under the impression that I just needed to get my shit together so that we could be happy, but she was pretty set on moving forward without me.
I know that I need to get out. I will be doing that as soon as I'm financially stable. That part is definitely going to happen. The thing that I'm having trouble with is keeping my head above water while I'm building up the resources to get out of here. Every night is basically the same thing. I come home from work, the house is empty, I clean up, try to eat some food, and then shut myself away in my room. There's no telling what time she comes in, and sometimes he's with her, and sometimes he's not. She usually knocks on my door to check on me and tell me about her day. She tries not to talk about him, and encourages me to find things to do with my free time. I usually start feeling better after two days, but then she brings him over and I go right back to square one. Also, some ulcers in my stomach have ruptured and it's causing massive stomach pains and loss of appetite. I suspect recent events have played a part in that.
So, you should get out. Even if you can't move out yet, just do whatever you can to try to be not at home as often as possible. Don't always be home waiting for her to get back. Do you have friends within walking distance that you could hang with, if not crash with? Do you have hobbies that you would want to start exploring? Interested in joining some meetup groups? Anything that gets you out of the house for any duration, especially during that time that she normally arrives home (and especially when she comes home with him), is going to be helpful. But ultimately, that is just a temporary fix until you can just leave.
I can only speak for myself here, but frankly, I'd tell her to leave me alone entirely unless she absolutely needs me for something.
I'm trying to stay civil about all of this. If I tell her to leave me alone, then she'll take that as a sign to just go ahead and boot me out of the house. If that happens, then I'll really be screwed. And yeah, if I could just tell her to never speak to me, I could probably deal with this after some time. I have no social interactions besides her, work, and the internet. I have no friends down here because I was so anti-social when I got here. I don't go out to bars or restaurants. 50% of the people down here speak spanish, and I can't even carry a decent a conversation with them. The island is full of summer vacationers and the area that I live is a bunch of older folks. This was her dad's house, so the community around here is pretty quiet. My co-worker (I guess you could say he's a friend) has his own problems to deal with. He's not exactly in the best living arrangement. I've actually had to let him crash here a few nights due to problems at his place. He doesn't have the time or money to go out and do things, not to mention he's usually spending most of his time with his girlfriend. My boss is a really nice guy and promised me a company vehicle once I get my license in August. That will let me get around and do things, but I actually have to make it to August for that to happen.
My supervisor offered me a place to stay a few days ago, but that has changed. My co-worker has a pretty bad living situation, so he'll probably be taking the room. They claim that there are apartments around here, but I'm still going to need some cash in my pocket to make that work. Not to mention I'll never pass a credit check, so it'll have to be some underhanded shady deal that gets me my own place.
There are tons of places that don't even bother running a credit check. Most places I've been to , especially renting from private owners, just like to see some proof that you have a job so you can pay the rent. This seems like a good area to focus your energy on right now. Sucks without the car though, I know /:.
I've spoken with my friends back in SC and they're going to help me get out of this place. I'm going to work as much overtime as I can and save every penny I get my hands on, so that when I do go back to SC, I'll at least have some cash in my pocket to get back on my feet. I'm not exactly sure where I'll be staying when I get there, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. The only thing I'm regretting is leaving this job. They've put a lot of trust in me and are under the impression that I'm going to be with them for quite a while (2 years, at least). If I told them that I was going to leave, then they'd probably get rid of me on the spot. I can't take that risk, so I'm just going to play it calm until the time comes.
So far my best option is to split the gas money with a friend so that he can drive out here. That will ensure that I get to keep all my stuff. The only things I'm worried about are my PC, WiiU, and some other odds and ends. I can fit it all into 2 boxes, no doubt. If I had to ship this beastly PC of mine, it would cost me $200+, so being able to carry it with me on a trip is a definite money saver.
This is going to be rough, and it's going to set me back a few steps...but I suppose I'll just need to work doubly hard to pick this up and move on. The next few weeks of my life will definitely be the hardest that I've had. I'm going to attempt to not fall into the hands of alcohol to get through it, but it's going to be rough.
I know it's scary to be out there without a real plan, but it sounds like you have some time to get that together while you start saving. And now you have a very important energy sink to devote all the energy you used to spend on your roommate: Finding a job. And a place to stay.
And yeah, ditching this job just so I can get over a 6 year relationship is pretty hampering, but if I stay around I'm not going to get over any of it. I've learned my lesson and I'm a better man, now. It's time to move on and better myself, just like everyone has suggested. If I can find a place between now and August, then I'll probably take it. If not, then there's nothing stopping me from healing properly and moving on.
Thanks so much for all the feedback, guys. Please keep this thread active so that I can check it regularly. I'm going to be a mess for the next few weeks and knowing that random folks on the internet are willing to help me means the world to me right now.
Trust me, I know.
Shitty Tumblr:lighthouse1138.tumblr.com
I think that's a tad, uhh, dismissive way to put it? Unless by girl, you mean 6-year partner, and by sad, you mean depressed and/or insane. Given his posts about the situation it is definitely one of those categories.
I know this is really rough, Strife, but trust me when I say that you CAN move on from this without having to lose this job. Plenty of people have done this kind of thing before you, so you can do it, too! It's not going to be easy, but that's true no matter which state you're living in. I highly, HIGHLY recommend sticking around where you are because you have a stable job where you say you're expected to stick around for two years. That's two years of solid employment that you enjoy, and... I know it might be hard to see this... but that's WAY more important to you now that this has all gone down than the relationship that just ended. So really, please, try to stick this out. You won't regret it if you manage to do it!
Seriously, sounds like you need to see a professional. You do need to be on your own, but I think you're better off trying to stay with the job if you can.
Do you have any other friends/support around there? Or has this girl been your whole life for the last six years?