No longer an only-child

Khade97

Hi Guys,

I had some kinda good news last night, but has left me feeling a little weird. I could do with some advice from anyone who has been in a similar position.

For a little backstory; My mum and birth-father split up before I was born and my birth-father chose to have nothing to do with me. I never knew him, met him only once when I was 11 and it was not something I chose to persue. When I was 12 my Mum remarried her long term boyfriend and this is the person I feel is my Dad - so much so I had my surname legally changed to match his.

Fast forward a fair few years and my Mum and Dad split up and went their separate ways, then fast forward some more and they have both moved on with other relationships. I do not think of either of the people they are now with to be my "step-mum" or "step-dad" - but I have a good relationship with all sides and my parents are happy so all is good there.

Anyway, last night I got a call from my Dad (who is 49) to let me know his wife (who is 36) is pregmant. Obviously this is fantastic news and I am very happy for them, but it does make me feel a little weird for a few reasons;

* I am 30 and thus far an only-child - I will suddenly have a brother or sister with a massive age gap. When they are 20 I will be 51 - how will we ever be able to relate to each other?

* I have two kids myself, one is 3 years and one is 6 months - my kids will be older than their uncle / aunt.

* What do I even call my Dad's wife now - I have always just called her by her first name but once my brother / sister starts talking should I call her "Mum" (I do sometimes call her "Mum" but that is always as a joke as it winds her up)

Has anyone gone through anything similar? Will this remain to be weird or do things just fall into place?

The Ender

I was never an only child, but my mother married into 2 step-daughters (who are, of course, my step-sisters). The age gap I can't speak to, but as to having step-siblings:

You might not relate much at all. It's not that I don't like my step-sisters, but I didn't grow-up with them and they just, well, don't feel like immediate family. Part of this has a biological component (I'd recommend reading-up on Imprinting), but a lot of it is simply that we never shared much space together.

Don't worry about it if you don't end-up feeling like your new sibling is just like any of your other family.

WiseManTobes

Not sure if helpful, but I grew up with Aunts/Uncles younger than me, and other strange age gaps all over the place, I never thought twice about it really ( well we laughed on occasion with some about the gap, but it was just another fun point in conversation). You sound like you are in a good place with all of them, I wouldn't overly worry. If the main problem in it all is just worry over what everyone's nickname will be, ( And it sounds like you are in a good amiable position with everyone) just be happy for the closeness, and enjoy a fun new conversation topic on occasion.

The only real loss in having your new sibling be so much younger , is it'll be a long time, if ever, before you can blame them for something you did :P

Casual

While the child is technically your brother/sister the age gap means your relationship is probably going to be more like that of an uncle and their nephew/niece.

Time gets rid of all wierdness pretty much, at some point this will stop bieng odd to you and just become normal. My family has a bit of an age gap, (I recently spent some time staying with my cousin who is in her 40's with a 20 yr old daughter and I'm only 25 myself) it doesn't seem to make much difference in the way we interact with each other.

Khade97

Thanks guys - Mum's boyfriend has two kids from a previous marriage, but I guess they don't even factor in to the idea of "family" for me. They are much closer to my age, but we just have no contact outside of Christmas / New Year.

This just feels different because in my mind the baby will be a brother (rather than a step-brother) (or sister)

ThunderSaid

Khade97 wrote: »

* I am 30 and thus far an only-child - I will suddenly have a brother or sister with a massive age gap. When they are 20 I will be 51 - how will we ever be able to relate to each other?

* I have two kids myself, one is 3 years and one is 6 months - my kids will be older than their uncle / aunt.

* What do I even call my Dad's wife now - I have always just called her by her first name but once my brother / sister starts talking should I call her "Mum" (I do sometimes call her "Mum" but that is always as a joke as it winds her up)

Has anyone gone through anything similar? Will this remain to be weird or do things just fall into place?

I have three older sisters (technically half-sisters) with a significant age gap between us, and a nephew who is only a year younger than I am (he's a year older than my youngest sister). I think I have a little light to shed on your problem.

Based on your three starred questions, I think you may just be getting hung up on labels. To be fair, describing your relationship to the new child accurately is a little difficult (probably "adopted half-brother/sister" or something). The good news is that it doesn't really matter if you're accurate or not in 99% of all cases
(security clearance forms are the only exception I can think of at the moment). If you feel like the child is your sibling, describe him/her as your brother/sister. Same thing for your children. If they want to say aunt/uncle, then no one is going to care. It sounds like calling your Dad's wife by her first name is already what you do, and I don't see any reason to change that.

As far as your relationship to the new child, it will be what it will be. Maybe you'll be super close, and maybe you won't. There isn't really a right or wrong relationship. Being excited for your dad and his wife is a good start. Share in their happiness, try to help them out where you can, and buy the baby a nice present from time to time. I think If you do that, everything will fall into place naturally.

cmsamo

I'm 33 and have a brother who is 8. It's brilliant. I don't get to see him much, because I live on the other side of the world, but when I did live in the same area it was great fun. He looks up to me, and I am a role model for him, someone who is not his dad but "cool big brother". I have no problem relating to him, we both love Lego for a start

As for his mum, I call her by her first name. He knows that he and I have different mums, so doesn't even question it.

KafkaAU

Khade97 wrote: »

* What do I even call my Dad's wife now - I have always just called her by her first name but once my brother / sister starts talking should I call her "Mum" (I do sometimes call her "Mum" but that is always as a joke as it winds her up)

Probably kind of different, but my parents go divorced and remarried when I was youngish. I've always just called my step parents by their names, but my half brother & sister call them Mum and Dad. I don't remember there being any wierdness.

Khade97

Thanks guys - Now the whole thing has sunk in a little more I am feeling more chilled about everything. I guess I was just being too hung up on labels