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[Internet Dating] and the ever-present danger of a swarm of fire ants in disguise
Richy
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
This OP catalogues the general dating knowledge our threads have gathered, with a special focus on profile-writing and messaging. Read it well. There's really not much of it anyway.
All our advice in a nutshell:
YOU ARE TRYING TO WOO A MATE. THIS IS NOT AN HONEST AUTOBIOGRAPHY. YOU'RE SELLING YOURSELF.
General but important communication tips:
STOP being "honest" via self deprecation.
STOP apologizing to the reader of your profile or messages.
STOP making excuses to the reader.
STOP following confident statements with insecure "lol" or "haha" or "i guess".
STOP insulting your own life path in your profile.
STOP calling yourself nerdy or geeky or dorky or funny or witty or handsome or sarcastic or any-fucking-thing. Leave out any sentences that say, "I am [adjective]" unless you are prepared to put up or shut up.
STOP writing anything that the OKC Bullshit to English translator will correct for you.
STOP not writing people because you're convinced they're too good/hot/popular/smart/whatever to be interested in you. Write them and let them decide whether or not they want to have sex with you. Don't make the decision for them.
STOP sucking at online dating
Pictures:
Site-specific profile-writing tips:
Ice-breaker messages
The simple rule is: be concise, comment on something on her profile to show you read it and possibly relate it to something in your experience, ask a question so she can easily follow-up, spell properly, don't send dick pics. The gold-standard template it "Hi, I'm NAME. Here's a comment on something on your profile that I liked. Here's a question about it?"
The more complex rules are:
Charts!
Wherein numbers are plotted against other numbers to look more interesting.
Funny non-dick pics gallery:
All our advice in a nutshell:
YOU ARE TRYING TO WOO A MATE. THIS IS NOT AN HONEST AUTOBIOGRAPHY. YOU'RE SELLING YOURSELF.
General but important communication tips:
STOP being "honest" via self deprecation.
STOP apologizing to the reader of your profile or messages.
STOP making excuses to the reader.
STOP following confident statements with insecure "lol" or "haha" or "i guess".
STOP insulting your own life path in your profile.
STOP calling yourself nerdy or geeky or dorky or funny or witty or handsome or sarcastic or any-fucking-thing. Leave out any sentences that say, "I am [adjective]" unless you are prepared to put up or shut up.
STOP writing anything that the OKC Bullshit to English translator will correct for you.
STOP not writing people because you're convinced they're too good/hot/popular/smart/whatever to be interested in you. Write them and let them decide whether or not they want to have sex with you. Don't make the decision for them.
STOP sucking at online dating
Pictures:
- Your main picture should feature you, alone, and your face should be visible. Preference should be given to a low depth of field, thus keeping the focus on you and the mood intimate. Women should look at the camera smiling or flirting. Guys should look away from the camera pensively.
- Other pictures can include other people, but do specify who you are in the picture through captions, blurring out other people's faces, a giant arrow, something. No one like to play the game of "guess who's the person in common in all these pictures".
- Do not put up pictures where you are not at all. It's a dating site, not a Facebook album.
- Do not put up pictures with more attractive friends.
- Do not put up pictures with your ex. Why would you think that's a good idea?
- Do not put up blurry, poorly-lit, poorly-framed, or just generally bad pictures. Cell phone pics are notorious for that reason.
- No dick pics.
- Try to include one full-body pic to show what you look like completely.
- Choose wisely:
- Read here for more stats.
- Do not pick pictures that look like that.
- Other pictures can include other people, but do specify who you are in the picture through captions, blurring out other people's faces, a giant arrow, something. No one like to play the game of "guess who's the person in common in all these pictures".
- Do not put up pictures where you are not at all. It's a dating site, not a Facebook album.
- Do not put up pictures with more attractive friends.
- Do not put up pictures with your ex. Why would you think that's a good idea?
- Do not put up blurry, poorly-lit, poorly-framed, or just generally bad pictures. Cell phone pics are notorious for that reason.
- No dick pics.
- Try to include one full-body pic to show what you look like completely.
- Choose wisely:
- Read here for more stats.
- Do not pick pictures that look like that.
Site-specific profile-writing tips:
OKCupud wrote:
My Self Summary
- Be Specific
- Show, don't tell. Use stories to show that you are interesting
- Don't talk about vague shit like "I like to travel" and "I read books for fun" and "I have maintained possession of both my eyes since birth."
What I'm Doing With My Life
- Don't beat around the bush. Just fucking tell me what you do for money or what you are studying in school. It's going to be a first question on a date and gives a potential suitor something to ask you about.
- Put interesting things in here. Hobbies. Not JUST work-things. Show me why you are awesome to hang out with.
I'm Really Good At
- You are not good at making people laugh or being funny or whatever. Find SKILLS that you have that you are good at. I can cut a deck of cards one-handed. I can drive stick shift. Something interesting that you can do that is awesome.
First Things People Notice
- It's not your smile or your eyes or your sense of humor or whatever.
- Think about something that people would notice across a bar if you were hanging out with your friends in a loud, crowded place.
Favourites
- List YOUR FAVOURITES. Not every book, movie, television show, and food you've ever read, seen, watched, or eaten.
- Pick 10-12 things MAXIMUM
- If you must use keywords, only keyword two or three things in each section. The favourites of your favourites.
- For books, list titles, not authors. Some authors write a wide range of books. Some authors are associated with being a prick or a poser. Book Titles tell a lot more about who you are as a person.
- Keep the list trim by only listing works that give us a window into your personality. Don't make a massively long section that indiscriminately lists everything you like.
- Add some personalization. Why do you like this stuff? What associations does it hold for you? Do you love Foo Fighters because it reminds you of the time you and your friends went ghost-hunting in New England culverts? Are you into apocalypses because you think you'd make a kick-ass zombie slayer or because you're enchanted by the idea of starting over?
Six Things
- Don't list bullshit like oxygen, air, water, food, friends and family. It's boring and meaningless.
- Don't list your computer, the internet, these forums, or something else pathetic.
- Do list things relating to stuff you love or mentionned elsewhere in the profile. Feel free to be silly here, but don't list six random things that have no connection or theme.
I Spend a lot of time thinking about
- Don't suddenly get all deep and existential when there's nothing else like that in your profile.
- Don't say "Taking over the world" because that's bullshit.
- Feel free to be funny or silly here, too, but don't make it cliché.
Typical Friday
- Don't say "there is no typical Friday"
- Don't say "taking over the world"
- Don't say "out with friends or in reading a book" like every other person ever
- Don't say you're busy with work/whatever Friday and really go out Saturday. The question is not literally about Friday night, it's about what you do for fun. It's your chance to prove to us what a fun person you are. If you fail at it, then you're no fun, and no one wants to date someone who's no fun.
- Be specific. If you are out with friends, what are you doing? Do you go dancing? Go to bars for trivia night? Watch movies and eat popcorn?
The Most Private Thing
- ANSWER THE GODDAMN QUESTION
- It's not "I'm on a dating website"
Message me if
- Don't say "if you want to" or any other variation of that. BE SPCIFIC.
POF wrote:Headline:
- Do not write "I never know what to write in those things". Think of something. It's not hard.
- Do not write "Headlines are stupid". NO U.
I am looking for:
- Not "intimate encounters". Girls do not need the internet to find "intimate encounters". Most of them, in fact, have their accounts set to automatically block messages from guys looking for "intimate encounters".
Question section:
- Do not "prefer not to say". These are simple straightforward questions that give some basic background info on yourself. Answer them. They're not asking the number of girls you slept with or the size of your wang or the hiding place of John Connor. They're asking whether or not you own a car. If you can't answer that with a simple yes/no, you've got issues.
Interests:
- Put some.
- Be specific. "Fun" is not an interest.
- "Doing stuff" is not an interest. Neither is "taking over the world".
About me:
- Everything from the OKC profile advice applies here.
First date:
- Do not write "i dunno." Do not write "you come up with something." Do not write "we'll talk about it and decide." Do not write "whatever you want to do." It makes you look dull and unimaginative and boring.
- Everyone has a mental picture of an ideal date. Write a one or two line abstract of it.
- This section is important. It gives the other person a good idea of your personality. If your ideal first date idea is chatting over coffee, you might not be a match for someone whose ideal first date is skydiving over a volcano while carrying an active bomb wrapped in barbed wire. See? Important information there.
Ice-breaker messages
The simple rule is: be concise, comment on something on her profile to show you read it and possibly relate it to something in your experience, ask a question so she can easily follow-up, spell properly, don't send dick pics. The gold-standard template it "Hi, I'm NAME. Here's a comment on something on your profile that I liked. Here's a question about it?"
The more complex rules are:
Exactly what to say in a first message at the OKC blog
Learn to spell better than a cat.
The humps that matter are her brain lobes, not her boobs.
Be original.
Talk about metal-loving vegetarian zombies.
Engage her in the discussion.
Learn to spell better than a cat.
The humps that matter are her brain lobes, not her boobs.
Be original.
Talk about metal-loving vegetarian zombies.
Engage her in the discussion.
Charts!
Wherein numbers are plotted against other numbers to look more interesting.
Lie about your height:
Men are stupid:
Score 1 for Apple:
Men are stupid:
Score 1 for Apple:
Funny non-dick pics gallery:
Richy on
+1
Posts
2) don't be unattractive
And age.
18 year old Android users are a bunch of loser virgins
18 year old iPhone users are a bunch of sluts
Quit hitting on Usagi, this should be a safe space.
"We believe in the people and their 'wisdom' as if there was some special secret entrance to knowledge that barred to anyone who had ever learned anything." - Friedrich Nietzsche
Consulting the chart again, it seems that I have made the right choice of phone!
-Indiana Solo, runner of blades
Was nice being validated that I had a super body (due to my workouts), so I chose to ignore the rest of her comment
Headless horseman gots game. Just look at how single Ichabod Crane is.
To be honest, it was a bullet dodged in the end.
Also, she said I wasn't her type because I wasn't a nerd.
Only because I was working out at the time. Did my M.Sc in Games mean nothing to you?!
This legit made my afternoon
I don't really care for it. It's pure a sub site (meaning to do anything other then browse profiles you'll need to pay for a subscription, and the prices aren't cheap), and while they did break down interests (LARPing, gaming, video games, anime, etc) really you can do that on any site.
In all if felt more like someone dressing up in nerd culture and trying to get some lonely person's money.
Aw shucks.
Glad I could make an afternoon!
"We believe in the people and their 'wisdom' as if there was some special secret entrance to knowledge that barred to anyone who had ever learned anything." - Friedrich Nietzsche
I think I'm going to make cookies. Not afternoon-good, but in the end, I'll have cookies.
Yeah, it's a weird stereotype and I guess maybe some self-preservation reaction of some nerds? "You're too sporty looking to be one of us! Go away before you pick on us!" ???
One of my good friends was a jock in high school if you went by his activity and looks. But man is he ever a nerd. He has a physics PhD, I met him in his college years through Counter-Strike, and now he is my main board game buddy.
It's like, what are you even saying, every criteria for nerdiness is right there, but you're discounting it all based on something irrelevant? :rotate:
In personal news, I am trying to not get too psyched up over some awesome lady on POF. But damn. She isn't very geeky but I don't think I'm really looking for that. I'm just looking for smart. There is all kinds of smart. I guess I define smart by your ability to engage and deal with shit, and express yourself (in conversation and otherwise)?
She has video games as an interest and played random stuff while younger, but that is about it. Sounds like an analogue to the stereotype of the Xbox bros, actually.
While I still was in contact with her, she met her future boyfriend and pointed him out during a university party. While I admit that my comment was a bit jackass'ish, the first thing I said to her was: "Really? Chubby body, with hipster glasses and no beard is your definition of nerdy?".
I don't fault the guy for being who he was, but it definitively showed me what type of girl she was.
In other news, I found a 93% match on OKcupid who actually looked really cute. She's hardcore into Asian stuff with a dish of gaming, so let's see if we can work some magic on that angle.
Labels don't mean what we want them to, firstly because no one has a set background of experience or clear definition for communication, but secondly because humans aren't static.
I feel like I've done a decent job but I'm new at this so would like objective feedback on how to improve.
A list of things, should you be of the gifting persuasion
You've come to the right place.
I know I lack pictures - I don't end up in many photos that aren't 50-man group shots. I'm not really sure how to actively improve this, though
Thanks in advance for feedback!
A list of things, should you be of the gifting persuasion
I am bad at profile critique's; give it a day or two and you'll have plenty from the grizzled veterans of this thread.
However, for photos, just ask a friend or family member to help you take a photo of yourself. Be smiling in it. Be doing something interesting in it. Use as main profile photo.
I was mostly acknowledging that I don't have a variety of pictures. Definitely the most glaring flaw from my perspective.
A list of things, should you be of the gifting persuasion
You really need a good smiling picture. I think actually a candid laughing type picture would be great for you.
The other advice was to get you more photos. Just find someone you know that is ok with a decent camera (the quality of the photo also counts, grainy cellphone photos tend to generate less interest), and get some extra photos.
fuck up once and you break your thumb / if you're happy at all then you're god damn dumb
that's right we're on a fucked up cruise / God is dead but at least we have booze
bad things happen, no one knows why / the sun burns out and everyone dies
If you take pictures on your vacations/travel, put some of those up maybe? Especially if there's a picture of you in the mix, where you're not baiting me into counterspelling something weak so you can giant growth something and swing for the win.
I'm really bad about taking pictures. I'm not sure what I actually have in general, and whatever I do have there is an even smaller portion that has ME in it.
I'll try to go looking for something apt, though.
A list of things, should you be of the gifting persuasion
If you can't think of anything to do with a section, better to leave it blank. The only use of that section that I can really think of is to put really specific items of personal value to you: a framed picture of your cat dressed up like it's going to office, or a friend's crutches that you've had bronzed when he finally recovered from a terrible accident.
If it were me, I would probably end up leaving it blank: I'm not very sentimental, and I'm not very prone to grand gestures, or to receiving immensely personalized gifts.
The same kind of criticism could probably be applied to your "favourite things" section. At the moment it tells me you are (1) a right-thinking human being who shows appropriate regard towards T Pratchett (pbuh), (2) you like heist movies, (3) you like music, (4) you like spicy food.
Specificity would help. You may not have a favourite song, but pick one of your top albums (or genres, or bands) and tell me why you like them. Talk about a local restaurant that's impressed you, and why. What is it about heist movies that you particularly like? Are you a Watch man, or a Witches man, or do your tastes run Rincewards?
If you remember your crushes, it was probably the specific interests they had that really pulled you in, maybe made you excited to explore something new. I doubt you find yourself staring out the window and sighing "Oh Lola, I love that you generally liked music."
In other news, nothing's happening. The book, which some of you may have seen me posting a picture from in the Christmas Dating thread, is very interesting and has a great list of principles (not facts) which women find important. A lot of the bullet points are common sense stuff, but the book takes the time to go into detail and list what exactly it means to "Be Assertive", and how to achieve it.
Unfortunately, I forgot it at my parents' place, so I'll have to pick it up some time later.