Also sometimes people have weird attraction matrices.
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HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
edited April 2014
Lord knows I'm not the best looking guy in the world, and yet somehow I've managed to snag the attention of alarmingly attractive women in the course of my lifetime. Sometimes life's weird like that.
Also sometimes people have weird attraction matrices.
And I've got (does math on how long it's been since puberty)...20 years of experience on how I interact with women's attraction matrices. Maybe the black swan is out there, but I'm perfectly happy assuming they're all white.
Subject changing digression!: I have a weird first date coming up tonight. I'm a big fan of the quick turnaround: Friendly message, friendly message, ask to meet, date, reassess. If you send too many messages back and forth, you are not only getting overly attached before you know if there's in-person chemistry, you are also covering all the small talk and getting-to-know-each other stuff that make first few dates enjoyable.
But with this woman, it went friendly message, friendly message, take three weeks off to mourn sudden death of my father, ask to meet, spend three weeks playing schedule tag, and now date. I'm really curious how this is going to feel.
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HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
some people rate physical attraction as relatively unimportant. it might be hard to take that at face value if your priorities aren't congruent to theirs. we're also primed to internalize a lot of our value with regards to our appearance, so it is pretty disorienting to think 'ok, maybe she doesn't love the way i look but that's ok'.
But maybe I do love the way you look. I dated a lanky, balding guy with horrible teeth (British) and I could not keep my hands off him. I'm glad he didn't size me up and dismiss me for being too hot, because we would have missed out on the nonstop sexytimes.
some people rate physical attraction as relatively unimportant. it might be hard to take that at face value if your priorities aren't congruent to theirs. we're also primed to internalize a lot of our value with regards to our appearance, so it is pretty disorienting to think 'ok, maybe she doesn't love the way i look but that's ok'.
But maybe I do love the way you look. I dated a lanky, balding guy with horrible teeth (British) and I could not keep my hands off him. I'm glad he didn't size me up and dismiss me for being too hot, because we would have missed out on the nonstop sexytimes.
of course- plenty of people like plenty of different things. what i'm saying is that sometimes people like a broad set of things abstracted up a level, such that even if they legitimately do not love how you look that doesn't stop them from liking you as fully as they might like someone more in line with their physical ideal.
Well I'm in LA and he's in London so we ultimately parted ways amicably. Relationships can be successful, and then end. Not every finished relationship is a failed relationship. (Not to say I don't have plenty of failed ones under my belt.)
And, yes, I am a heartbreaker. In the immortal words of Pat Benatar. Don't sing it, though, or you're a musician and I won't date you.
Attraction is a strange strange thing. For example, there's a girl that I've been friends with for a long time. Over the ears there's been a few times we've hung out and hooked up, just casual sex. During these times she's actually kind of fallen for me a couple of times, and in a lot of ways I do dig her. She's an awesome girl, and while she's a little thick, I find her very sexy. Her style and everything else, I find it attractive.
Except when she takes her glasses off. My attraction level just drops hard. It's the strangest thing, and there's been times I've wished it wasn't so because she is totally datable and we're compatible on various levels. But like I said, for whatever reason, when she takes her glasses off my attraction to her just disappears.
Can someone tell me what the orange dot on some pictures on PoF means?
If no ones answered this yet or you haven't figured it out, it either means how frequently they reply to a message, or that they're online RIGHT NOW! (Can't remember which)
Attraction is a strange strange thing. For example, there's a girl that I've been friends with for a long time. Over the ears there's been a few times we've hung out and hooked up, just casual sex. During these times she's actually kind of fallen for me a couple of times, and in a lot of ways I do dig her. She's an awesome girl, and while she's a little thick, I find her very sexy. Her style and everything else, I find it attractive.
Except when she takes her glasses off. My attraction level just drops hard. It's the strangest thing, and there's been times I've wished it wasn't so because she is totally datable and we're compatible on various levels. But like I said, for whatever reason, when she takes her glasses off my attraction to her just disappears.
We're strange animals.
Then tell her to not take them off until after the lights are off?
Except when she takes her glasses off. My attraction level just drops hard. It's the strangest thing, and there's been times I've wished it wasn't so because she is totally datable and we're compatible on various levels. But like I said, for whatever reason, when she takes her glasses off my attraction to her just disappears.
We're strange animals.
Yeah, I feel the same way about basically everyone. Dating people with 20/20 is always going to mean settling.
There's been a couple times I've thought about mentioning it to her, but I don't think that's fair to her, and I feel kind of odd feeling this way. It feels mean to feel this way. It's one thing to prefer a hairstyle or hair color and ask someone for that, but to tell someone they need to have their glasses on at all times?
I've just always thought it was kind of strange of me to feel this way and thought I'd share since we're talking about relative attractiveness and all that.
There's been a couple times I've thought about mentioning it to her, but I don't think that's fair to her, and I feel kind of odd feeling this way. It feels mean to feel this way. It's one thing to prefer a hairstyle or hair color and ask someone for that, but to tell someone they need to have their glasses on at all times?
I've just always thought it was kind of strange of me to feel this way and thought I'd share since we're talking about relative attractiveness and all that.
Yeah, I would argue asking someone to change their hairstyle/color vs. expressing a general preference (once, in a non-passive aggressive way, without harping on it) is still fairly douchey and would be a dumping offense for me in a new relationship. If you're not attracted to someone the way they are, just move on and don't give a reason.
The only reason I had thought of mentioning it was because there's been a few times she's asked why I didn't want to date her in the past. But I agree, like the whole package or just move on. It was fine for what it was, and she's still one of my better friends today.
BTW, for anyone trying to win at Tinder, there's an active subreddit at www.reddit.com/r/tinder. Like, you'll actually get answers and get some honest answers.
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KupotheAvengerDestroyer of Cakeand other deserts.Registered Userregular
Except when she takes her glasses off. My attraction level just drops hard. It's the strangest thing, and there's been times I've wished it wasn't so because she is totally datable and we're compatible on various levels. But like I said, for whatever reason, when she takes her glasses off my attraction to her just disappears.
We're strange animals.
Yeah, I feel the same way about basically everyone. Dating people with 20/20 is always going to mean settling.
Can someone tell me what the orange dot on some pictures on PoF means?
If no ones answered this yet or you haven't figured it out, it either means how frequently they reply to a message, or that they're online RIGHT NOW! (Can't remember which)
I think it actually means that they have a paid subscription. Which is a reason (among many others) why I wouldn't give POF my money.
Except when she takes her glasses off. My attraction level just drops hard. It's the strangest thing, and there's been times I've wished it wasn't so because she is totally datable and we're compatible on various levels. But like I said, for whatever reason, when she takes her glasses off my attraction to her just disappears.
We're strange animals.
Yeah, I feel the same way about basically everyone. Dating people with 20/20 is always going to mean settling.
What does one do if they're not really worried about their looks, but completely worried about their personality?
I get that to some degree it's just finding the right person who you're compatible with. Like, even if you have some obscure interests, that might make it harder to find someone but still possible.
What does one do if they're not really worried about their looks, but completely worried about their personality?
I get that to some degree it's just finding the right person who you're compatible with. Like, even if you have some obscure interests, that might make it harder to find someone but still possible.
What if you barely have any interests at all?
Everyone has interests. Purely by your existence on this website you must be passionate about something, be it video games, television, or some other sort of consumed media. That alone is interests. It's just a manner of framing it.
Except when she takes her glasses off. My attraction level just drops hard. It's the strangest thing, and there's been times I've wished it wasn't so because she is totally datable and we're compatible on various levels. But like I said, for whatever reason, when she takes her glasses off my attraction to her just disappears.
We're strange animals.
Yeah, I feel the same way about basically everyone. Dating people with 20/20 is always going to mean settling.
Maybe go get some? The internet is a wondrous place to find neat things to get nerdy about/learn, and real life (while sometimes terrifying) has even more options
What does one do if they're not really worried about their looks, but completely worried about their personality?
I get that to some degree it's just finding the right person who you're compatible with. Like, even if you have some obscure interests, that might make it harder to find someone but still possible.
What if you barely have any interests at all?
I employ a four-part hierarchy of compatibility. It's Bird's Hierarchy of (Relationship) Needs
First, I have to find you attractive based on your photo and your profile basically interesting. If I don't no matter how earnest and well-meaning that intro message you send, or how hard you worked on it, I'm not gonna respond.
Second, our electronic chatting back and forth has to keep me engaged. If at any time I feel like it's a chore to respond to your text, you're through.
Third, I have to actually be attracted to you when we meet in person. This means that you're both physically and mentally stimulating. If either of those is lacking, I'll finish my drink (and pay for my drink) and tell you it was nice to meet you and leave.
(3.5. I have to wake up the next morning feeling really excited about seeing you again. Otherwise, forget it.)
Fourth and finally, we have to be sexually compatible. I don't mean there have to be crazy fireworks the first time but we need to have comparable libido levels (most guys sadly cannot keep up) and you have to be enthusiastic about meeting my needs.
To me it doesn't really matter his interests (and whether they jive with mine), as long as he's got the ability to be interested in life and the world. For instance, I had a great short-term relationship with a guy who enjoyed staying in and watching B-list horror movies. I enjoy playing a full contact sport. Even without any overlap in our interests, though, he was genuinely interested in learning about me and what I like and I was genuinely interested in learning about him and what he likes. (That relationship broke down due to a failure of #4, above, not because we didn't have enough to talk about.)
In my experience, many people want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, and they're sizing up every person they meet to fill that position in their life. This phenomenon leads to me going on a two or three dates with a guy, then deciding he's not for me, and getting blown up with his angst because he was so sure we were going somewhere, why don't I want to see him anymore, I owe him a reason why, etc.
I don't need a reason not to date someone. Not dating someone is the default. I'm not dating Hacksaw or Kupo, for instance. I don't need to provide a reason why. I need a reason TO date someone. Like, a really good reason. Or else I'd just be settling for someone because I feel like they're better than no one.
Better solution: Make your solo life so awesome that meeting a truly compatible person is a bonus, rather than feeling like not meeting a compatible person (or meeting incompatible person after incompatible person) is an obstacle in the way of your happiness.
</birdifesto>
_Bird_ on
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CorehealerThe ApothecaryThe softer edge of the universe.Registered Userregular
Real life is always terrifying at some level because it's so variable. But that's also what makes it so fun and entertaining when things do work out.
First, if I go on a date with her, do I think it will result in sex that night? Brain votes no, libido votes yes.
Second, if I go on a date with her, do I think it may eventually result in sex? Libido votes yes, Insecurities vote no, brain gets to be the tiebreaker.
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NocrenLt Futz, Back in ActionNorth CarolinaRegistered Userregular
Can someone tell me what the orange dot on some pictures on PoF means?
If no ones answered this yet or you haven't figured it out, it either means how frequently they reply to a message, or that they're online RIGHT NOW! (Can't remember which)
I think it actually means that they have a paid subscription. Which is a reason (among many others) why I wouldn't give POF my money.
Date tonight was the first time I've ever had a woman show up *much* cuter than her profile pictures would have suggested. I honestly wouldn't have believed it was the same woman.
I choked the date a little bit because of that, but not *too* terribly and we at least had an hour of nice conversation. We'll see where it goes from here.
Less-than-smooth moment: I've been told that I come off as a bit cold when I'm nervous and that initiating some non-threatening physical contact would help with that. I've been doing better with that, but not only did I not tonight, but when she went for an end-of-date hug, I looked startled and said "oh, are we hugging?"
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NocrenLt Futz, Back in ActionNorth CarolinaRegistered Userregular
Wish I felt right enough to date... I feel ok to do so in every way except financially.
What does one do if they're not really worried about their looks, but completely worried about their personality?
I get that to some degree it's just finding the right person who you're compatible with. Like, even if you have some obscure interests, that might make it harder to find someone but still possible.
What if you barely have any interests at all?
You get some. I got into ballroom dance at a time where I felt like I needed to add something new to the list of hobbies so I tried a few different activities for a few months and found one I really liked. Groupon and Livingsocial are great ways to get discounts to introductory level lessons in all sorts of stuff.
If we're still coming up with words to describe stuff there needs to be one for when you log onto PoF and see you have a new message, making you think you got a reply, only to get an invite to some stupid event you're never going to go to.
If we're still coming up with words to describe stuff there needs to be one for when you log onto PoF and see you have a new message, making you think you got a reply, only to get an invite to some stupid event you're never going to go to.
Thanks for the breakdown on my profile guys! Applied patch 1.3 which resolved most of the overabundance of words and such condensing the work to a lighter, more manageable amount. I think it helped to, when I logged in I had 2 messages from chicks that I had sent messages to a few days prior which I don't think would have sent me messages had the patch not been applied. Profile still needs works and will continue to be patched as needed. I really, really, really do appreciate the advice guys and gals! It's one thing to read the suggestions on the OP and another to actually have people point out that you didn't quite follow them as closely as you thought you had
I was supposed to hangout at my place watching Netflix with the girl I've been seeing tomorrow. Instead she got us Clippers playoff tickets. She is pretty amazing.
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KupotheAvengerDestroyer of Cakeand other deserts.Registered Userregular
I was supposed to hangout at my place watching Netflix with the girl I've been seeing tomorrow. Instead she got us Clippers playoff tickets. She is pretty amazing.
I reserve a special kind of hate jealousy for you my friend. Although that doesn't outweigh how pleased I am that its going well. Hi fives to you sir.
I was supposed to hangout at my place watching Netflix with the girl I've been seeing tomorrow. Instead she got us Clippers playoff tickets. She is pretty amazing.
I just purchased a bottle of chloroform and a leeks mask. I will see you at staples center.
I took my ex to a Lakers Suns Playoff game a few ears ago (I'm a suns fan) and it was a really great time I must say.
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mysticjuicer[he/him] I'm a muscle wizardand I cast P U N C HRegistered Userregular
If we're still coming up with words to describe stuff there needs to be one for when you log onto PoF and see you have a new message, making you think you got a reply, only to get an invite to some stupid event you're never going to go to.
I suggest weremessage. "I was really hoping for a reply from this cute guy, but it was a stupid weremessage."
Posts
And I've got (does math on how long it's been since puberty)...20 years of experience on how I interact with women's attraction matrices. Maybe the black swan is out there, but I'm perfectly happy assuming they're all white.
Subject changing digression!: I have a weird first date coming up tonight. I'm a big fan of the quick turnaround: Friendly message, friendly message, ask to meet, date, reassess. If you send too many messages back and forth, you are not only getting overly attached before you know if there's in-person chemistry, you are also covering all the small talk and getting-to-know-each other stuff that make first few dates enjoyable.
But with this woman, it went friendly message, friendly message, take three weeks off to mourn sudden death of my father, ask to meet, spend three weeks playing schedule tag, and now date. I'm really curious how this is going to feel.
Hey now, no need to bring racism into this.
Sounds to me like there was a stop!
of course- plenty of people like plenty of different things. what i'm saying is that sometimes people like a broad set of things abstracted up a level, such that even if they legitimately do not love how you look that doesn't stop them from liking you as fully as they might like someone more in line with their physical ideal.
Well I'm in LA and he's in London so we ultimately parted ways amicably. Relationships can be successful, and then end. Not every finished relationship is a failed relationship. (Not to say I don't have plenty of failed ones under my belt.)
And, yes, I am a heartbreaker. In the immortal words of Pat Benatar. Don't sing it, though, or you're a musician and I won't date you.
Except when she takes her glasses off. My attraction level just drops hard. It's the strangest thing, and there's been times I've wished it wasn't so because she is totally datable and we're compatible on various levels. But like I said, for whatever reason, when she takes her glasses off my attraction to her just disappears.
We're strange animals.
I've always found Amy Poehler to be pretty unattractive. I have a raging crush on Leslie Knope.
If no ones answered this yet or you haven't figured it out, it either means how frequently they reply to a message, or that they're online RIGHT NOW! (Can't remember which)
Then tell her to not take them off until after the lights are off?
I've just always thought it was kind of strange of me to feel this way and thought I'd share since we're talking about relative attractiveness and all that.
Frack. I have 20/15. Frack.
Battlenet: Judgement#1243
psn: KupoZero
gtfo hawkeye
get a load of this guy
"hey look my name's kupo and i have hi res eyes"
I get that to some degree it's just finding the right person who you're compatible with. Like, even if you have some obscure interests, that might make it harder to find someone but still possible.
What if you barely have any interests at all?
Steam ID: 76561198021298113
Origin ID: SR71C_Blackbird
Everyone has interests. Purely by your existence on this website you must be passionate about something, be it video games, television, or some other sort of consumed media. That alone is interests. It's just a manner of framing it.
High definition, thank you very much.
Battlenet: Judgement#1243
psn: KupoZero
I employ a four-part hierarchy of compatibility. It's Bird's Hierarchy of (Relationship) Needs
To me it doesn't really matter his interests (and whether they jive with mine), as long as he's got the ability to be interested in life and the world. For instance, I had a great short-term relationship with a guy who enjoyed staying in and watching B-list horror movies. I enjoy playing a full contact sport. Even without any overlap in our interests, though, he was genuinely interested in learning about me and what I like and I was genuinely interested in learning about him and what he likes. (That relationship broke down due to a failure of #4, above, not because we didn't have enough to talk about.)
In my experience, many people want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, and they're sizing up every person they meet to fill that position in their life. This phenomenon leads to me going on a two or three dates with a guy, then deciding he's not for me, and getting blown up with his angst because he was so sure we were going somewhere, why don't I want to see him anymore, I owe him a reason why, etc.
I don't need a reason not to date someone. Not dating someone is the default. I'm not dating Hacksaw or Kupo, for instance. I don't need to provide a reason why. I need a reason TO date someone. Like, a really good reason. Or else I'd just be settling for someone because I feel like they're better than no one.
Better solution: Make your solo life so awesome that meeting a truly compatible person is a bonus, rather than feeling like not meeting a compatible person (or meeting incompatible person after incompatible person) is an obstacle in the way of your happiness.
</birdifesto>
First, if I go on a date with her, do I think it will result in sex that night? Brain votes no, libido votes yes.
Second, if I go on a date with her, do I think it may eventually result in sex? Libido votes yes, Insecurities vote no, brain gets to be the tiebreaker.
oh... PoF... Was thinking of okcupid.
I choked the date a little bit because of that, but not *too* terribly and we at least had an hour of nice conversation. We'll see where it goes from here.
Less-than-smooth moment: I've been told that I come off as a bit cold when I'm nervous and that initiating some non-threatening physical contact would help with that. I've been doing better with that, but not only did I not tonight, but when she went for an end-of-date hug, I looked startled and said "oh, are we hugging?"
You get some. I got into ballroom dance at a time where I felt like I needed to add something new to the list of hobbies so I tried a few different activities for a few months and found one I really liked. Groupon and Livingsocial are great ways to get discounts to introductory level lessons in all sorts of stuff.
Steam Profile
3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
Or it being a message from Marcus.
I reserve a special kind of hate jealousy for you my friend. Although that doesn't outweigh how pleased I am that its going well. Hi fives to you sir.
Battlenet: Judgement#1243
psn: KupoZero
I just purchased a bottle of chloroform and a leeks mask. I will see you at staples center.
I took my ex to a Lakers Suns Playoff game a few ears ago (I'm a suns fan) and it was a really great time I must say.
I suggest weremessage. "I was really hoping for a reply from this cute guy, but it was a stupid weremessage."