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Gabe's Message - Implications For You, the Individual; and You, the Community
Vivixenne
Remember your training, and we'll get through this just fine.Registered User regular
Remember your training, and we'll get through this just fine.Registered User regular
Earlier today, Gabe posted this post on the main body of the site, entitled "Resolutions":
I have no doubt that Gabe, having been at the centre of multiple shitstorms over recent years, is going to received mixed responses to this post. Some may claim it's too little, too late. Others may call it heartfelt and genuine. Still others may interpret it as yet another attempt to salvage his reputation, by making himself out to be a victim and trying to ingratiate himself to other victims.
However, reading the above and taking it at face value (for I am not a mind-reader and would never presume to be such), what I see is a pretty familiar story. And while there are plenty of people who have their doubts about his sincerity, the accuracy of his account, or his intent, I don't think there's much room for argument that the story within this piece of self-reflection resonates with a lot of us. And I don't mean "us" as in "gamers" or "the PA community." I mean "us" as individuals who all have pasts that may not define us, but certainly served to establish some pretty strong foundations for who we have become.
And Gabe's story in particular has many implications for the shifts being made in the culture around video games and their aficionados. The bullied who become bullies. The excluded who become the excluders. Those who were prevented access to the "inner circles" of the past are now attempting to gate-keep their own "inner circle." And as video games shift ever rapidly into the "mainstream", this situation has become all the more problematic, all the more prominent.
I was hoping to invite you, SE++ (and others who may be reading) to discuss Gabe's post in the context of what it means for the community at large, and for yourself as an individual who considers him or herself a part of that community. Regardless of whether or not you believe he is being sincere or genuine, his story is an utterly believable one, and for me at least it is shockingly familiar. And I think there is a wealth of learning to be had from it.
The level of self-reflection required to be so open and frank about one's past is commendable. It is not easy to admit that you took joy in cutting someone down with words, and it is even less easy to admit that you didn't even notice the point at which you went from being a protector of the downtrodden to a tyrant yourself.
So, SE++ - what are your reactions to Gabe's post? Does it resonate with you at all? Have you the ability to reserve your judgement and actually deign to learn from his story? Have you any experience with living long enough to see yourself become the villain? Or do you have experience being the bullied but did not yourself get drawn into retaliating? What do you believe this implies for the future of the gaming community?
If you doubt the sincerity of this story - why? And what would it take for you to be convinced? And in what situations have you, yourself, had your sincerity doubted and what did you do to correct that? Did it work?
Gabe wrote:I’m not always a very good person. I’m mean and I recognize that. I know exactly where it comes from too. As a kid I moved schools a lot. I was always the new kid and I was a weird looking new kid which made it worse. There was no nationwide movement to stop bullying back then. The advice I got from teachers was to “ignore them” or “try and make friends with them”. It is hard to ignore or become friends with someone who literally sets your hair on fire on the bus. So what I did is decide at a young age that no one else’s opinion of me mattered. I had to in order not to kill myself. I had to flip a switch in my head and essentially decide that no one else could decide what I was or was not. I shut almost everyone out and decided that anyone who attacked me was an “enemy” and I began to attack back. I got very good at insulting people. Kids would come at me with some bullshit about my teeth or how goofy I looked and I would retaliate with insults I had custom built for them while lying awake at night and each one was a precision strike to their insecurities. This kid was short, that one had a hard time reading, this other one’s parents were getting a divorce. By 7th grade I could make someone hit me with a couple words.
They weren’t fights so much as they were beatings but I still ended up in the vice principal’s office. Eventually they started to realize I was instigating the abuse. They couldn’t understand why I didn’t just keep my mouth shut. Why I had to egg these kids on. “Why can’t you just ignore them and keep walking when they say something to you?” I can’t count how many counselors told me “they are just words, they can’t hurt you.” but words can hurt and as a scrawny kid who couldn’t fight I learned the right words can hurt much more and much longer than a fist.
We are all products of our childhood and what came out of mine was an unrepentant asshole. This person wasn’t a great fit for the handful of retail jobs I bounced between. I’m not what you would call a “people person”. It was a good fit for making comic strips though. In 1998 I finally discovered an outlet for the the horrible skills I had. My disgusting sense of humor helped to create Penny Arcade and grow it to what it has become today. The same things about me that I used to think were an asset, something good that I brought to the mix have become a liability though. It’s a strange position to be in and I’ve spent a lot of time this year reflecting on it. The person I am isn’t good for PA anymore and in fact who I am and the way I behave has caused real damage to it. So this person isn’t good for PA but I’m not sure it’s good for me either.
So what am I? As a young person I imagined myself a sort of vengeful spirit. A schoolyard Robin Hood who attacked the strong and popular on behalf of the social outcasts. I’m 36 years old now though and I realize what I am is a bully. I may have been the one who got beat up but I sent plenty of kids home in tears. I also realize that I carried those ridiculous insecurities into adulthood. I still see people who attack me as the enemy and I strike back with the same ferocity as that seventh grader I used to be. I’m ashamed of that and embarrassed. The crazy thing is I don’t even necessarily believe the stuff I say a lot of times. It would probably be more noble if I did. The truth is I just say them to be mean. I say them because I know they will hurt. It’s pretty fucked up.
I’ve done a lot of soul searching this year. I’ve tried to figure out what sort of person I am and what sort of person I want to be going forward. I know I don’t want to be this angry kid anymore. I take medicine to control my anxiety and depression but there is no pill I can take to stop being a jerk. That’s a deeper problem and it’s something I’m working on. I love the gaming community. I’ve dedicated the last fifteen years of my life to it. I’d very much like to believe that the good things I’ve helped build will continue far past Penny Arcade and me. I like to believe that Child’s Play and PAX will outlive me and continue to be forces for good in the gaming community. Early on in Child’s Play’s life it became obvious that its connection to PA was hurting it. We had a conversation with a group that was going to dedicate a fountain to the charity here in Seattle but later decided against it because of the content on Penny Arcade. this was probably 9 years ago and long before any of the most recent issues. Even back then I knew it was going to be difficult to be the sort of person I am and make the sort of things I make while still trying to do these other things that I considered good. If a person is bad they must be all bad right? How could someone who writes comics about beastiality also want to help children? We decided at the time to distance ourselves as much as possible from the charity. it has its own site and its own people in charge of it. We promote it but it exists on it’s own and I want any gamer regardless of how they feel about me or Penny Arcade to feel comfortable supporting it.
I feel the same way about PAX. You’ll notice that it is no longer the Penny Arcade Expo. It’s outgrown us and it belongs to the gaming community at large now not just PA fans. Someday I expect to attend a PAX and not even be recognized. That’s honestly fine with me. I don’t want the material on PA or who I am to keep people from attending and enjoying PAX. During the Q&A at PAX Prime we actually talked about slowly removing ourselves from the show over the next few years. We’ve been doing it for a decade now and I’m happy to step out of the way and let the show grow without me rather than inspite of me. That’s only part of the problem though. The other part is fixing some of my own issues and that’s something I need to do on my own.
I’ve seen some articles about the roll for diversity stuff happening at PAX and I respect that some people are hesitant to jump on board or see it as a stunt of some kind. I can tell you in all honesty that it springs from a desire on our part to do better and be better. Is there more we can do? Well to be fair we haven’t even done this yet. I’m sure it will need tuning and adjusting but every tweak and change will be done with the goal of making PAX a better show for everyone.
I’ve learned a ridiculous amount this year. About myself and about other people. It’s been a difficult year, probably the hardest in my life and I realize I brought most of it on myself. That’s a sobering realization. I also realize that I’ve made it harder for the people I care about, my friends and my family. I can’t be this guy anymore. I have every intention of taking the things I’ve learned this year to heart and changing. I’ve said I’m sorry for the things I’ve said but I’ve never apologized for who I am. I need to separate the busted kid from the man I am now. I guess that’s my new years resolution. Might be harder than losing ten pounds.
-Gabe out
I have no doubt that Gabe, having been at the centre of multiple shitstorms over recent years, is going to received mixed responses to this post. Some may claim it's too little, too late. Others may call it heartfelt and genuine. Still others may interpret it as yet another attempt to salvage his reputation, by making himself out to be a victim and trying to ingratiate himself to other victims.
However, reading the above and taking it at face value (for I am not a mind-reader and would never presume to be such), what I see is a pretty familiar story. And while there are plenty of people who have their doubts about his sincerity, the accuracy of his account, or his intent, I don't think there's much room for argument that the story within this piece of self-reflection resonates with a lot of us. And I don't mean "us" as in "gamers" or "the PA community." I mean "us" as individuals who all have pasts that may not define us, but certainly served to establish some pretty strong foundations for who we have become.
And Gabe's story in particular has many implications for the shifts being made in the culture around video games and their aficionados. The bullied who become bullies. The excluded who become the excluders. Those who were prevented access to the "inner circles" of the past are now attempting to gate-keep their own "inner circle." And as video games shift ever rapidly into the "mainstream", this situation has become all the more problematic, all the more prominent.
I was hoping to invite you, SE++ (and others who may be reading) to discuss Gabe's post in the context of what it means for the community at large, and for yourself as an individual who considers him or herself a part of that community. Regardless of whether or not you believe he is being sincere or genuine, his story is an utterly believable one, and for me at least it is shockingly familiar. And I think there is a wealth of learning to be had from it.
The level of self-reflection required to be so open and frank about one's past is commendable. It is not easy to admit that you took joy in cutting someone down with words, and it is even less easy to admit that you didn't even notice the point at which you went from being a protector of the downtrodden to a tyrant yourself.
So, SE++ - what are your reactions to Gabe's post? Does it resonate with you at all? Have you the ability to reserve your judgement and actually deign to learn from his story? Have you any experience with living long enough to see yourself become the villain? Or do you have experience being the bullied but did not yourself get drawn into retaliating? What do you believe this implies for the future of the gaming community?
If you doubt the sincerity of this story - why? And what would it take for you to be convinced? And in what situations have you, yourself, had your sincerity doubted and what did you do to correct that? Did it work?
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Vivixenne on
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We all get some primal satisfaction from an asshole getting his due. But that comic seemed like it was pandering to the expectation that the entire audience of PA readers have been bullied in the past. And while they may very well have been, that pandering just, well, it felt kind of pathetic.
Like, yeah, we all wish we were strong enough to beat back our bullies and give them what for back in the day. But whoops, you're an adult now. You no longer get to use the "but I was bullied when I was younger" excuse. I've not been a fan of Gabe for a long time. It frustrated me that Gabe continued to try to use that as an excuse, even when apologising. I am pleased that he has now acknowledged that using it as an excuse for his behaviour is a failure to take ownership of his actions.
The skeptic in me reads this and sees it as damage control for his company. You see it all the time, when the face of a company makes a mistake or is called out, they release a pre-written statement to attempt to apologize for their errors while not really saying a whole lot. This reads a lot like that to me.
That being said, I don't know his true intentions and nobody really does except for Gabe. I truly hope it is sincere and that he's learned something.
But I've seen person after person fall to it. And people don't just get it from kids either, parents bullying their kids make their kids do it. It's a legitimate cycle.
Satans..... hints.....
EDIT: Being that people learn from their environment, if you interpret that environment as bullying being the norm, why wouldn't a kid fall into that "norm" and do it himself?
We are all of us the culmination of our development, and if you view what you do not as a negative thing, just an uncomfortable thing, why would you see it as something that needed to change?
And I don't think a comic strip that made a joke about how they really feel and wish they could have done to their own bullies as a child is anything other than a personal statement. The fact that everyone feels that way is the joke. I certainly wish I could have defended myself from physical bullies when I was a kid.
I am really glad for him and I think it matches his previous statements on the matter.
As someone who was bullied quite a lot as a kid, it definitely happened to me, despite my best intentions. I can be a very angry person, even to someone I love like my wife. It was never something I wanted to happen, and still absolutely hate when it does. But being bullied made me angry, and it's led to me continuing being an angry person and it's something I've been working on controlling and will probably continue to struggle with for the rest of my life.
It's not an excuse, and it's not just "justification". It's just something that happens sometimes regardless of what you "want".
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I also think that a good percentage of the "shitstorm" stuff he's experienced in the last few years has been manufactured and overblown by people who seriously are professionals at being outraged for outrage's sake. That's the part I feel sorry for Mike and Jerry who have to face this publicly. This comes from my own personal opinion on humor and comedy. It's either all fair or nothing is fair...and I lean towards all. The medium of the internet seems to be a double edged sword for them, it got their message and brand out to a large community which helped them grow into what they are today, but it also allows professional internet "I'm offended" police easy access to things at well.
Good on you Mike. I made a similar change in the last few years too, specifically for my kid to see his old man wasn't a complete psycho who hides in his room with a bourbon cursing at everything under his breath. I wish him success, and I hope we both lose at least 10lbs.
Secret Satan 2013 Wishlist
Or more of an explanation of his evolution.
It's good that he is working on it. Or at the very least, admitted it. On the other hand. He's 36. Which is disappointing. But hey, you can always change.
Satans..... hints.....
Being an adult doesn't automatically lead to better coping and relational skills unless people actually know they need to develop them and understand why they do.
Up until I read this latest postby Gabe I very much interpreted it as an excuse. Maybe that's me looking at it through my own lens where I abjectly refuse to let assholes from my past dictate who I am today, but there were some points (mostly on Twitter, to be fair), where I felt like he was all "WELL I WAS BULLIED TOO SO WHAT DO YOU EXPECT" and that was really disappointing.
In this post though it sounds more likely "oh, hey, that's where I came from. maybe I don't want that shit to still be touching me like that." Which, like I say, is an admirable thing to do - especially given his age.
I don't see why this would be the case.
Growing up isn't a magical process, you just start living in a different arena.
He left childhood and went and lived with his other bullied and hurt friend and they made comics coming from that isolation and pain. And then they formed a small company and kept doing that. And then people kept telling them they were incredible.
What impetus is there to change? Or even think there's a problem if your support structure says "you're great"
This is really, really great. Seriously. But it's not that easy for everyone. It doesn't excuse the behavior but it doesn't mean a person is being dishonest when they say they've let a shitty past influence them in a shitty way. It takes a different amount of time and work for everyone to get past it.
seems like a pretty sincere self-reflection which is pretty neat, hope it inspires similar self-reflection in other folks
That said I think hes genuinely trying to change how he reacts to people and yeah he can be a bully sometimes so its probably for the best
Also, some people are just acerbic in nature. I know I am, and coupled with a type I (introverted) personality I can come off as a real big asshole to people who don't know me. Which is hilarious to people I do open up to. I've had friends swear that they thought someone had met a completely different person when I was described a certain way. They couldn't fathom me as just cold, sitting in the corner alone and not caring about shit. It's usually just an introvert doing his/her thing. As my wife describes it, introverts recoup energy being alone and spend energy being in groups. Extroverts spend energy having to be alone and recoup in groups. Neither is right or wrong, just different.
Then she usually calls me a dick because I make fun of her bullshit psycho babble and pseudo-science degree.
Secret Satan 2013 Wishlist
I think the problem there, then, is a sheer lack of exposure. Being stuck in an echo chamber of similarly minded people, seldom putting your foot outside your comfort zone. You don't know what you don't know.
Now, there's an argument to be had for not wanting to step out of your comfort zone because it either took you so long to find one, OR because you've been tormented for so long or so intensely that you did not have any desire to venture out again.
Like, put it this way. How many of us, here in SE++, have repeatedly admitted how little we knew about transgender people without this space and the people who post here? And for many of us, that exposure was happenstance rather than a decided venture into an unfamiliar space. I am happy to admit that I didn't even know how much I DIDN'T know about the topic until it was being discussed openly.
There may be no impetus within your own context to learn more and or to think outside the scope of your own experience.
BUT!
Not living in a shitty country being bombed to shit is no excuse for a lack of empathy, over-defensiveness, or straight-up acting like a hot-shit celebrity. There is always space to be a bigger person - to want to be a bigger person - and I don't buy for a minute that you need a goddamn tragedy or shitstorm for that impetus to present itself. All you need is a bit of self-awareness that, shit, I angry right now, maybe I should not act like a jackass and come back to it later when I am more ready to admit that I don't know *everything*.
You may be a product of your upbringing and development, but you are also a product of your own agency as an individual.
Which is why Gabe's post makes me very glad that, by his word at least, he is determined to learn from this and move forward.
One could also argue that abuse leads to people becoming abusers. And while I fully support working with abusers and bullies to help them come to terms with their own trauma, I would never expect their victims to be quite so understanding. Certainly not when their wounds are still fresh.
I'm the same in any new situation. I'm still getting down the basics of kick boxing down and spent most of this morning's class really quiet trying to not get frustrated while the coach and the other guy kept up a conversation during the breaks. I caught myself about halfway through and at least worked up a smile and talked to the other guy afterward.
Meanwhile at work I'm all boisterous and outgoing, friendly to strangers, able to talk for hours, etc.
Like, to clarify - the buck does have to stop with somebody, and that somebody is usually someone deemed an adult - with all the responsibilities thus associated. Victims becoming perpetrators - particularly with regard to abusive behaviour - is extremely common. And while I can muster up some empathy for, say, an adult parent's trauma history that explains how they came to abuse their children, it absolutely does not excuse them from taking responsibility for their actions.
I agree with this sentiment on a core level - in that how we inflate a person's product to become interchangeable with the person is not a particularly wise or intelligent thing to do, yet it is done practically like it's human nature. But I also hold firm the belief that with being in the limelight comes with responsibility, or at least an acknowledgement of the power you have as a voice. I do accept the argument that Mike and Jerry must have had very little preparation or even awareness around what their celebrity entailed, especially at first, but I also believe they've had plenty of years to learn.
Sadly all of this has brought forward some personal trust issues I have which mean I can't deal with PAX anymore, despite loving it dearly for the past 4 years, so I'll just have to cross my fingers from the sidelines that things really do continue to improve.
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As for the bullying thing, I was bullied every day I went to school, from 7th grade till I graduated. I was/am fat, a nerd, had messed up teeth, huge glasses, and can't breathe out of my nose 75% of the time. I'm also asexual, so I got bullied for not having a girlfriend to. I had anxiety attacks almost every day, I couldn't eat breakfast because I would throw up whenever the inevitable anxiety attack hit. I had to stop bringing any personal property to school because it would be stolen, and probably destroyed. That line Gabe wrote about convincing yourself that other peoples opinions of you don't matter? That's exactly what I had to do. I didn't learn to fight back like Gabe did though. I hid. I found the quietest corner of every situation and curled up there and hoped for the best.
The effects of that doesn't go away. Ever. You just try and learn how to deal with it in a more constructive way. I still expect every person I meet to fuck me over at some point until I get to know them. Have I learned how to ignore it? No. Have I learned how to deal with it better? Maybe. I've learned how to work around the assholes, to try and find people that are positive and helpful. I don't hide anymore, and I try my best to stand up to those people. Confronting the people that treat me like shit isn't going to make them change, but it's what I have to do to not feel like I'm falling back into that hole I had to crawl out of when I was a teenager. I've lost a job over that before, but losing what self respect I've managed to cultivate would be worse.
I realized early in high school that when we stood around in a big group in the halls, if I pointed out somebody else's flaws or short comings everybody was less likely to notice mine.
I said some horrible things about some genuinely good people who didn't deserve it. And I still to this day feel terrible about it.
I've been able to talk to some of the people I cut down and apologize and humble myself to them but it doesn't really fix things.
As a 31 year old father of 2 all I can do now is try to teach my kids that what I did was wrong.
Right. I already said I see this as a reason, not an excuse. And I didn't say anything about how Mike's "victims" should feel/think.
I know maybe you aren't directing those comments at me but you quoted my post so I dunno.
I think that I am a little hesitant with him in general because in the past it's not only been "sorry I said this thing" it's frequently been "sorry you chose to be offended" or that letter where he outed someone as trans and basically used them as a "my trans friend thinks I'm ok" prop to his argument... bleh. But this is an interesting thing because I think it is a hard task to look yourself in the mirror and acknowledge, for real and for serious, that you're the asshole here and that you've been justifying your shitty behaviour in any way possible. It's a hard first step but I think it's frequently a necessary first step to moving on and learning how to be a decent person. I am hopeful, for once, that moving forward there will be a lot more evidence of stop - think - acknowledge I don't know everything versus the defensive response of 'you're just a bunch of jerks who want a reason to be mad'
I was born in the deep, rural south and honestly until my late teens I was pretty racist/homophobic/transphobic and just a general shithead, and it took a lot of meeting people and being taught (not ripped to shreds online) to teach me just how big of a shit I was. Even typing this up kinda makes me nervous, admitting I was those things.
I'm glad to see Mike is doing some self-reflection, and I hope he doesn't "quit" Penny Arcade or anything like that.
Oh no I wasn't arguing with you. Shoot, you know I agree with your point regarding the effects of bullying. I think the bit that prompted my response was that it was unfair to expect more because he's a grown up. As in, it certainly could be unfair to expect more, but that does not make the expectation go away.
I concur. If he was saying: "This is why I am the way I am, deal with it" that's an excuse.
But he's not saying that. He's saying where his attitude came from, what that does to him, and that he want's to try and change. That's an explanation, but importantly it starts with the change, not the explanation.
This is 100% how I feel about the subject and it is worded so much better than my other shitty posts in this thread so far. And I am also hopeful that he may yet be a good example for those who previously idolised him even at his worst.
He has nailed the part that has always, constantly bugged me about every single approach he has taken to any of the issues with him and PA and the community. Every time I feel like I'm finally sympathising or understanding his point of view, it's that sort of reasoning by the end of any post/statement/tweet he makes that sinks it all because that's what has always made everything come off more as him using his background and past as an excuse rather than a factor into why he should learn to know better.
I'm still skeptical, and I always will be because it still reads like damage control to me, but to a certain extent I am glad he is pointing out that PA as a company and him and Jerry should not be so consistently integral to things like PAX and Child's Play if the negative influence they've been both partially and wholly responsible for continues.
Actions will always speak louder than words and so far I personally just haven't been sold on any words. I don't want things to fail and blow up because that has more negative repercussions for someone as myself who is, by all technical terms, a minority in the community as a whole and not just on these forums. I'm onboard with the mindset a large portion of games-related journalism like RPS and Giant Bomb have gone on point stating that we can't just keep giving anyone, from big titans like EA to smaller companies like PA, the benefit of the doubt no matter how much past good will there is, that the constant defence of them can be incredibly tiring because it creates exactly the sort of echo chamber that leads to this whole mess in the first place, and I am at least relieved gabe seems to have that same mentality reading that post.
Basically I'm willing to wait and see. But I'm cautious, and nervous, and still hurt by things they've started or propagated.
If this is truly the first step towards some kind of change of mentality that will lead to the better, great, but for now I am both disappointed yet glad there is more scrutiny being given in general to this sort of issue and I hope that only fosters more change for the better along with real action that prevents more bullying rather than trying to mop up the damage.
heh in my case I always pointed out my OWN flaws so that there was less impact if someone tried to make fun of me
years later it's a habit that continues to be hard to break
The problem I have with cutting Mike some slack is that I was 17 or 18 when I figured out I was hurting others and acting like a cock, not a 36-year-old man with a wife and child and a charity and a gaming convention and millions of readers. Acting like a hurt little kid is not acceptable at this point!
My main criticism of him over these past few years wasn't that he was a monster or a bigot so much as that he really needed to grow the fuck up. I'm glad he seems to be much more self-aware now. I hope we see some positive development rather than him just keeping quiet and staying out of the spotlight.