What do I do with this girl I like after 3 dates? I'm so confused...

johnbob987

Ok so I moved to a new town and met this girl online. Not the most flattering but still (I'm 23 and working in Atlanta, she's a 24 grad student) We hit it off for a few emails, went out. Here are some notes

-(A month ago)First date lasted almost 5 hours! We really enjoyed getting to know each other. Went to a restaurant and lounge. I called her a day later, said I had a good time, offered up date number two, she accepted.
-(3 weeks ago)Second date we tried to go to a museum, it was closed, went out to eat instead. Again we have a great conversation. As we were leaving we hugged and I gave her a kiss on the cheek, she blushed and got into her car.
-(2 weeks ago)Offer to meet up again, she says she is busy, she has two tests and is super stressed out. Totally fair, she's a bio grad student. but regularly texts me, and always responds. I accept and tell her my friend gave me NBA tickets, she wants to go.
-Last Thursday the 13th we go to the game, game was awesome, I put my arm around her, gave her a kiss on the cheek during the 'kiss cam' (she got a little nervous, I thought it was cute and leaned into me the rest of the game after that), we walked around the downtown park, I gave her a kiss, I drove her home gave her a kiss goodnight.

She is quieter and bookish and seems kind of shy/passive, which I find sweet and endearing.

But now what seems like an awesome start to a relationship... uhm well gotta get into confusing situations. It seems like a must, nothing is easy. The day after the game I texted her, it was a Friday so I knew there was a delicate balance of following up on the date but know its the weekend.

-She gets back to me and I offer her to come to my place sometime this week she is free to cook dinner together and enjoy the new spring weather on my porch, or (giving her an option) we could hit up this new restaurant across the street. She said that would be fun but her schedule is filled this upcoming week and would get back to me.
-Doesnt get back to me Saturday, nor most of Sunday.
-Sunday late afternoon I gave her a call and left a friendly 'enjoying the sunshine?' text. She got back to me a little later. I follow up about her schedule she is completely booked during the week. I offer up Saturday and she is camping. I ask ver batum "I've had a really fun time with you, I would like to do something again in the future, would like to do the same? I don't mean to be pushy one bit, I just don't know your schedule" She said she wants to do something again but is just 'busy right now' I say ok that's fine, just stay in touch and we'll figure something out. Its Tuesday and haven't heard anything. Its her spring break but know she isn't travelling, and probably has the time to at least meet up.

Its some confusing middle ground. A girl who has invested basically nothing in you and doesn't want to see you again won't get back to you and definitely won't apologize for missing your call. Its happened to me a bunch. But a girl who likes you won't necessarily 'be busy' and put near-0 effort into mutually putting something together.

What do I do? Wait? Friendly text this week? Drop her forever?

Mulletude

If it's spring break and she has no school obligations to handle (which she may, even if it IS spring break) then i'd say maybe give her one more friendly text in a day or two and if you hear nothing back than let her be. Sucks but thems the breaks

johnbob987

It totally sucks and I have no idea what to do. There is no clear indication of anything, which I find a little crappy after 3 dates. Yes, yes, nothing is 'owed' transactionally. Not returning my contact on Sunday? An easy way out but I would get the picture. Saying your sorry for missing my call and stating you want to do something again, at some undetermined point in the not immediate future? So confusing. And the hard-to-figure-out process of being the 'guy' and initiating over coming off as a clingy piece

JebusUD

You need to relax bro. If it happens it happens. Just lay off the texts for a few days. Or just tell her to text you when she is free.

johnbob987

Yeah I guess that is all I can do, but I don't have any track record of blowing her phone up, and don't plan to do so. But I guess what I'm asking is what do you guys think is going on? I'm not good at this kind of stuff. And my friends have given me wide ranging advice from criticism to praise, which makes me more unsure...

kaliyama

Sperging out and ovettexting somebody is the surest way to turn off somebody new.

In the future rather than fixate on somebody if they don't respond in a few days go on a date with somebody else. The dating process should be a funnel where you are going on dates with 3-6 people until you and somebody else mutually agree to being exclusive.

Also your incessantly neurotic approach reminded me of earlier posts - these are pretty clearly you. Why did you make a new name?


http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/184201/ladies-and-everyone-would-you-consider-this-a-date-and-what-would-you-want-out-of-it

http://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/183114/what-do-i-do-next-with-this-girl-i-like-from-class

In any event you clearly have some underlying issues with anxiety and rumination and you're coming across as needy and desperate.

The best way to change the impression you give is to develop other things you are happy to be doing so you don't fixate on a girl and drive her away.

Otherwise I am not sure why you seem to be luckless. Are you unable to talk about things not discussed on these forums? Are you overweight? What are your other hobbies?

johnbob987

Not to seem rude but other than the fact that I guess those posts and this one share going to some kind of sporting event I've never posted on here before, have never lived where that guy said he did, and have been out of college 2 years. My buddy from work goes with his fiance to games, gave me tickets because they were on vacation. I wouldn't of paid that for a 3rd date. One of those by the date seems to be like 7 months ago?? Bizarre.

After a phone call with a friend, I took to the interwebs to gain some more diverse perspective. I don't think being confused is the same thing as being neurotic. I didn't overtext her at all, unless I shouldn't have contacted her to begin with. Twice in 4 days with the conversations fairly short isn't exactly nuking someone's phone. How else do you attempt to advance things? I don't think I fixated on her at all? After all isn't it ok to contact someone you've been on three dates to follow up, or like someone you have legitimately gotten to know? I feel like I am in a lose-lose here, you just called me (unfairly) needy, desperate, anxious and when really all I tried to do was set up a 4th date as reasonably as I could and have let it be when she gave me her wishy-washy 'yes, but I have no clue when' response. Now I'm wondering what to do going forward.

ceres

FYI, as far as I can tell at the moment this isn't the same person.

johnbob987

ceres wrote: »

FYI, as far as I can tell at the moment this isn't the same person.

Thanks ceres. I'm just attempting to get some views on this. I fully understand after one date and you get the 'busy' well that's just life and she may not have wanted to read the riot act. After 3 dates that have not had obvious landmines? Curious. Hence my post

ceres

Doesn't mean anything, especially if she's a bio grad student. They are not exactly rolling in free time.

Krathoon

My money is on she is too busy and needs some breathing room. She did tell you she wanted to do something again, so just leave it at that. She did get back to you, that is a plus. I would say the ball is in her court on contacting you again.

wilting

Leave her alone for a week.

johnbob987

Yeah I guess its up to her now and she has the cards so to speak. It stinks that this is difficult and nothing is clear.

I found this to be interesting, probably has nothing to do with nothing but interesting none the less. I was texting two women about this last night/this morning (one is a cousin and one is the long time gf of a close friend) and they came to drastically different thoughts. They are both mature and similarly aged and know me well. 99% verbatum, a few liberties taken because they were actual conversations

Woman A: "Johnbob987, this seems toast. You guys seemed to have a really fun time, I'm glad that you respected her and took things at a reasonable pace. But I can tell you right now that if a girl is legitamtely interested in you as a partner she would make it known. She doesn't like you. Yes what she said isn't the greatest way to convey that thought. A fully mature woman who respected you would or should have told you 'thanks for taking me out, but I don't see this advancing'. Its really not that hard to text that to someone. She confused you, and darted around a basic and reasonable idea, move on"

Woman B: "Aww, that sounds like a fun time! Johnbob987, this is a little odd but I can tell you right now a woman who doesn't like you wouldn't put her head on your shoulder or hold hands in the park. That's very sweet of both of you. That kiss cam thing was cute. She did get back to you very reasonably, that's good, her responses just seem aloof. I hope she is not freezing you out, that drives me crazy when girls do that! They are the ones who complain to me when other guys are mean to them. You didn't push for sex and treated her right by my book. But this seems like a good start, you offered her a very doable 4th time around. She likes you, she gave you her address, text her, I hope this works out."

Two totally logical people reaching totally reasonable, but different, conclusions. It doesn't help me one bit but I thought it was interesting and justified why I have no clue what to do haha

Cambiata

The reason you can have two totally different responses to this question, is because everyone is different, and reacts differently to romance, and has their own communication pace etc. So it's hard to say if this girl is truly busy, or if she's not that in to you, or whatever.

You've let her know clearly that you want another date, and she has shown she's attracted to you. It's in her court at this point, you need to try to take your mind off waiting for her to contact you back with a date. Hang out with your friends, do your favorite hobby, go on a date with someone else you meet online* if you have that ability.

*Side note, you seem to have some amount of shame about having met a girl online. In this day and age, there's really no need for the shame. Meeting people online is the same as meeting them anywhere else.

zepherin

Calm the fuck down.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.
"Don't be that guy." Your almost a stereotype.

Put your phone away. Leave the house (without your phone). Go for a jog, do some stretching. Catch a movie. Take time for you. Just let yourself be present in you. If you stare at your phone obsessively and second guess yourself. You will just drive yourself nuts and then make yourself depressed. Let it go and have a day for you. The next day you can give her a call, or text her, but after that let it go.

Psykoma

Spring break in university typically isn't what it's like in high school.

I remember spring break while being a bachelor student - I spent more time studying than at any other point in the semester.

I can't imagine the studytime would go anywhere but up for grad students.

And the time I wasn't spending studying was booked up since pretty much before the semester started.

Give her some time, ask again once spring break is over if she hasn't gotten back to you by then.

LoveIsUnity

Yeah, uh, as someone who has completed a grad degree I'd like to chime in on the spring break thing: we use spring break to get our shit together because there's virtually no time to catch up when school is in session. Spring break isn't quite the break it is for a lot of undergrads when you're taking grad level classes, working on a thesis/dissertation, and TAing classes (or any combination of these). I used to love spring break because it meant I got a week to grade papers and work on my own writing so that I wouldn't fail my classes and be that teacher who never returns students' work.

johnbob987

zepherin wrote: »

Calm the fuck down.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.
"Don't be that guy." Your almost a stereotype.

Put your phone away. Leave the house (without your phone). Go for a jog, do some stretching. Catch a movie. Take time for you. Just let yourself be present in you. If you stare at your phone obsessively and second guess yourself. You will just drive yourself nuts and then make yourself depressed. Let it go and have a day for you. The next day you can give her a call, or text her, but after that let it go.

That's slightly a bit much. I'm not obsessing, accusing, or doing anything really. In fact nothing (in regards to her) is what I'm doing lol. I never at anytime over-contacted her, she mostly initiated little chats before the game. I just liked her and viewed we had a good time out for a third consecutive time so I followed up and got sort-of pushed away or put on hold. It was a curveball for me as what to actually do. I get she might of planned out her spring break and booked it all up. But just totally and utterly dropping it for over a week makes me think that nothing will ever happen again. Which is fine I guess, I'm just wondering. Does that make a little more sense where I'm coming from?

Akilae

Other people have mentioned this, but grad students are busy. It's not "Oh I really need to get stuff done this week" busy, but "I have one month left to put together my thesis/dissertation and I'm going to go into hermit mode for a month to get stuff done" busy. If she's at the doctorate level, then it's even worse. I have friends doing hard science degrees and I see them once every two months or so if I'm lucky.

If things really are going well, the next time you meet her be considerate and ask about what her work schedule is like.

witch_ie

What people are saying is that you are over-reacting. Just give it some time which means stop making assumptions and running scenarios through your head of what is going on. This isn't a problem you need to solve. You've already shown your interest, maybe follow up again in 2 weeks if you are so inclined in case she's super busy and then let it go. if

zepherin

johnbob987 wrote: »

zepherin wrote: »

Calm the fuck down.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.
"Don't be that guy." Your almost a stereotype.

Put your phone away. Leave the house (without your phone). Go for a jog, do some stretching. Catch a movie. Take time for you. Just let yourself be present in you. If you stare at your phone obsessively and second guess yourself. You will just drive yourself nuts and then make yourself depressed. Let it go and have a day for you. The next day you can give her a call, or text her, but after that let it go.

That's slightly a bit much. I'm not obsessing, accusing, or doing anything really. In fact nothing (in regards to her) is what I'm doing lol. I never at anytime over-contacted her, she mostly initiated little chats before the game. I just liked her and viewed we had a good time out for a third consecutive time so I followed up and got sort-of pushed away or put on hold. It was a curveball for me as what to actually do. I get she might of planned out her spring break and booked it all up. But just totally and utterly dropping it for over a week makes me think that nothing will ever happen again. Which is fine I guess, I'm just wondering. Does that make a little more sense where I'm coming from?

Fair enough, but I still think you need a day for you.

ceres

Okay you are sounding a bit like the other guy. Maybe you should read and internalize the responses those threads got, because the reactions you get here are not really going to be different. She is a person, people are all different, and we can't tell you what she's thinking better than she ALREADY HAS.

Lucid

johnbob987 wrote: »

zepherin wrote: »

Calm the fuck down.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.
"Don't be that guy." Your almost a stereotype.

Put your phone away. Leave the house (without your phone). Go for a jog, do some stretching. Catch a movie. Take time for you. Just let yourself be present in you. If you stare at your phone obsessively and second guess yourself. You will just drive yourself nuts and then make yourself depressed. Let it go and have a day for you. The next day you can give her a call, or text her, but after that let it go.

That's slightly a bit much. I'm not obsessing, accusing, or doing anything really. In fact nothing (in regards to her) is what I'm doing lol. I never at anytime over-contacted her, she mostly initiated little chats before the game. I just liked her and viewed we had a good time out for a third consecutive time so I followed up and got sort-of pushed away or put on hold. It was a curveball for me as what to actually do. I get she might of planned out her spring break and booked it all up. But just totally and utterly dropping it for over a week makes me think that nothing will ever happen again. Which is fine I guess, I'm just wondering. Does that make a little more sense where I'm coming from?

You are obsessing, at least in the language you're presenting here. Even if you're not over contacting her, thinking about her and you to an extent where it's ruminative can seep into your interactions with her. Have you asked yourself why it's necessary to spend this much time ruminating over this person(or any other)? What if she loses interest in you? Sometimes even if a person is initially interested in you, that may change and it may not work out, but that's fine.

What exactly did you expect in posting here? When you ask 'what do I do?', do you really want people to tell you what to do in these situations?

kaliyama

johnbob987 wrote: »

ceres wrote: »

FYI, as far as I can tell at the moment this isn't the same person.

Thanks ceres. I'm just attempting to get some views on this. I fully understand after one date and you get the 'busy' well that's just life and she may not have wanted to read the riot act. After 3 dates that have not had obvious landmines? Curious. Hence my post

sorry for being wrong. i do think those threads are useful, though. no way to know what is going on - the only way to do well at these things to have so many balls in the air that you don't fixate.

There is nothing to "do" here , other than keep on living life. It seems likeliest to me that she is either a flake or not really into you, but as everyone above notes, you have no way of knowing.

johnbob987

kaliyama wrote: »

sorry for being wrong. i do think those threads are useful, though. no way to know what is going on - the only way to do well at these things to have so many balls in the air that you don't fixate.

There is nothing to "do" here , other than keep on living life. It seems likeliest to me that she is either a flake or not really into you, but as everyone above notes, you have no way of knowing.

No worries at all. But I'm really not flop sweating over this. And those mystery from months ago posts are odd, these definitely were dates lol. Yesterday at work my Hyperion client crashed. I had nothing to do for a few hours. Realized she hadn't contacted me or gotten back to me. Thought about it, asked a few friends, posted here for some different perspective. That's pretty much it. I knew I wasn't going to get like a magic spell or something or a earth fail-safe shattering ideas. I probably wasn't going to do anything different than nothing - I guess I could always take her to small claims court and attempt to sue her for wasted time (obviously kidding). Just a little surprised we had such a visibly good time then poof, my prior experiences didn't really align, maybe others did. So I asked a few questions.

Dark_Side

Yeah, you've about got it. Be unavailable for awhile and see if she contacts you. Maybe in a week you're doing something and invite her along. I will say though that in my experience, dating advice from friends is usually just about the worst advice one can get.

McMasta

I agree with the other advice people have already given. You need to relax, let her do her thing, and look at exploring other options. Let her reach out to you, right now if you keep fixating on her and continue to try and define your relationship it will only push her away. There is a moral to be learned from the nursery rhyme "little bo peep".

Cirira

The original poster reminds me a lot of how I met my wife. She is a fellow at a medical school doing hematology/oncology so was extremely busy when we first started dating. She also travels home to meet her Mom a few states away and was studying for boards around the time of our first date.

Our first date didn't go quite as well as your first one did and the first month or two of dating/hanging out often resulted in her not being available for a few days/weeks at a time. This was purely due to real life commitments such as boards, or traveling. I joke about it with my wife now but back then I had some of the same reservations that you did johnbob.

Just give the girl some time. She seems to be interested and grad school can be a nightmare for free time. If she wants to try the relationship further she'll let you know and go from there. If you've not heard from her in 2-3 weeks then it may not happen. Texting her or putting pressure on a person, even inadvertently, that is most likely already strapped for time and under stress will not do any good.

Go find your bros and hang out with them or try another date with a different girl. She'll either come around or she won't and there is nothing you can do to change that.

Pacificstar

I lived in ATL for 4 years. Maybe just invite her to some cool stuff. I took a girl to the movie thing they do by Georgia Tech. Also Jazz at the Botanical Garden is a good date. Also the stuff they do at the High Museum.

Anyway, don't try to mind read her, but rather than just texting something random, ask her if she wants to join you and do something interesting.

johnbob987

Thanks guys to all those replied, but I give up on dating for awhile, I'm sick of just getting rejected. I guess I'm not that enviable of a guy to have.

She actually contacted me two days ago, we discussed our respective weeks, texted her the next day 'good morning, how did your camping trip go.' Replied, kept texting, asked her to do something next Thurs/Fri. Gotta 'no, I'm sorry, I met someone else' Ok cool but why were you texting me? But I just left it at thanks for telling me.

In the meantime the past week (After many, many emails and a 5-10% response rate) I got to know and set up a date with another girl. It went very well, we had talked for hours before the date, and the dinner conversation flowed well, and I could make her laugh. We shared a hug and a kiss after that. Texted her that I had a great time, and she replied instantly. Called her this morning, got rejected for anything else.

I guess its worth noting that I asked a girl out at a grocery store who after bumping into each other and openly flirting with me (she called me cute) I asked for her number and she raised up her hand and showed she was engaged. ouch.

I, at least for now, give up. 3 rejections in a week suck. And my luck wasn't so great to begin with. I know, I know relationships arent the end-all/be-all in life but when you take a job in a new city, its so, so lonely. Getting regularly written off just destroys your self esteem, but guys have to 'try' and ask girls out and such and exude confidence. Its a horrible, horrible catch 22

noir_blood

Granted, I haven't been in the dating pool for a while, but it sort of seems like you're coming on to strong with the call and texts immediately/the day after.

johnbob987

I waited an entire day both instances. The I went out with the other girl in on Friday. Called her earlier today. The text after that date was ver batum 'hope you got home ok, I had fun and really enjoyed meeting you in person, have a good night' about 1.5 hours after we kissed and left. Not exactly the most desperate of texts, I was just attempting to be nice

I guess it is also worth noting that after the date (with the 2nd girl) that she said she was free most of next week and initially agreed to meet up on Tuesday. 2 days later to call and set something up, rejected.

I don't want to sound gender-bashing or overly pathetic. But I'm stuck in such a rut. New town? Well you don't have any friends - Makes you unattractive. Young and have a 9-5? Wow that's boring. Student loan payments and a modest salary? Well dating (the girl split the bill debate will rage on for the end of time, I know) is SUPER expensive. I can only go in spurts.

Lord Palington

If you're going to take a break from active dating for awhile, make sure you are going out and taking part in activities and hobbies you enjoy doing. Museums, movies, amateur sport leagues in the area, laser tag, whatever works. That way you're just out enjoying an activity where you're relaxed and in your element.

If you meet someone while you're out doing those (or while organizing meet ups online with groups of people), great! If not, then at least you're out having fun and meeting new people to stop being the "new in town" guy. Being stuck in a rut and having trouble finding someone isn't gender specific at all. Stereotypically, men and women have different things to "worry" about on a date, but honestly we're all just people that have to deal with other people throughout the day.

My most successful relationship began when neither of us were looking for someone to date, we just both showed up to a martial arts class we were interested in and kept coming back.

Best of luck in a new city!

One more thing - working 9-5 might be boring, but it gives you Friday night and the weekends off, which is when a lot of cool stuff goes on (and not just drinking in bars, but I'm sure you know that already).

Fyndir

johnbob987 wrote: »

Ok cool but why were you texting me?

Friendship? Just a guess.

johnbob987

Fyndir wrote: »

johnbob987 wrote: »

Ok cool but why were you texting me?

Friendship? Just a guess.

Lol, I did not say that to her, it just ran through my mind after her subsequent 'yeah, no thanks I'm with some other guy now' I really just said ok cool, best of luck.

But in regards to the earlier post. Yeah doing stuff like softball/laser tag/whatever is a legitimate idea. I'm in a kickball league actually. But that really doesn't solve squat. Yeah it may increase your chances of meeting someone for sure, but essentially it is what it is, a kickball league
I don't know I feel like a total sad sack for posting this on here but everyone not in my specific situation (applies to just normal friends as well as romance) seems to say oh yeah join this, do that, in the city, when a good majority of those people are in relationships just telling you to do that. It totally is a good way to spend a day, is just that... a good way to spend a day. I could do that for years. Am I supposed to go to the Atlanta art museum every other Saturday because 'maybe' intelligent single women will be there? No that's silly, and isn't realistic at all, I'm smart enough to know that.

It just stinks being in a new place where so many socio-cultural things are working against you at the moment...

ceres

If you are saying that you are uninterested in the advice you are likely going to get, I am going to lock this.

johnbob987

ceres wrote: »

If you are saying that you are uninterested in the advice you are likely going to get, I am going to lock this.

That wasn't my intention at all, really. I was just putting what I viewed my current situation as it stands in regards to what others said.
No harm meant at all, and no harm meant to anyone who posted in this. The last last thing I wanted was to is to be adversarial

Deadfall

You are thinking way

way

too hard about this.

My advice is to not even think about dating for a bit and just relax with some other activities. Not to find women. But just for the sake of doing them.

Dr. Frenchenstein

I'm with Deadfall on this, you are overthinking this way too much. it's something i've been guilty of many many times. Just take a step back and decompress for a while. It seems like you build these encounters up so much in your head, when it doesn't go as expected, you've left yourself quite a pedestal to fall from.

PS, Kickball, and other social sports are at their core: fun. or at least, that's the intention. if you are out having fun, you may meet a lady, or not. in my experience, i never met anyone i ended up dating, but i have a bunch of lifelong friends from it.

Try internet dating, it's where i found my current GF. i don't know if there is still a stigma about it, but if so, that's stupid. it's a great way to meet people in a relatively casual way, but with the express interest of maybe dating said person.

Lucid

johnbob987 wrote: »

Fyndir wrote: »

johnbob987 wrote: »

Ok cool but why were you texting me?

Friendship? Just a guess.

Lol, I did not say that to her, it just ran through my mind after her subsequent 'yeah, no thanks I'm with some other guy now' I really just said ok cool, best of luck.

But in regards to the earlier post. Yeah doing stuff like softball/laser tag/whatever is a legitimate idea. I'm in a kickball league actually. But that really doesn't solve squat. Yeah it may increase your chances of meeting someone for sure, but essentially it is what it is, a kickball league
I don't know I feel like a total sad sack for posting this on here but everyone not in my specific situation (applies to just normal friends as well as romance) seems to say oh yeah join this, do that, in the city, when a good majority of those people are in relationships just telling you to do that. It totally is a good way to spend a day, is just that... a good way to spend a day. I could do that for years. Am I supposed to go to the Atlanta art museum every other Saturday because 'maybe' intelligent single women will be there? No that's silly, and isn't realistic at all, I'm smart enough to know that.

It just stinks being in a new place where so many socio-cultural things are working against you at the moment...

You sound kind of negative. Maybe that is part of what is working against you.

Mulletude

Deadfall wrote: »

You are thinking way

way

too hard about this.

My advice is to not even think about dating for a bit and just relax with some other activities. Not to find women. But just for the sake of doing them.

Yes. This. A whole bunch this.