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Telling my girlfriend about my (lack of) sexual history - advice?
schattenjaeger
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I met my current girlfriend at 28 and still a virgin. Shortly after meeting her, we had sex. At the time, it was an unexpected, casual thing so I figured it wasn't worth mentioning. Time's moved on, and it's six months later and we're very much in a happy relationship, and she still doesn't know.
This has been particularly bugging me as of late as I've had to be a little evasive in response to some questions and comments (just minor offhand things, nothing inappropriately prying). We haven't had any real discussion of our histories so it hasn't really come up (and I wouldn't, or couldn't, outright lie to her face), but regardless I've been willingly letting her think something that isn't true, which I feel bad about.
On reflection, I think I've been childishly self-conscious about this, I want her to know, and I think she'd want to know, so I have resolved to take the direct approach. Next time we have a quiet moment (which'll be tomorrow, FYI), I plan to tell her. I know I shouldn't make a big deal about it if I don't want it to be a big deal, so I had entertained the idea of just waiting until she asks a question that demanded it as an answer, but that seemed silly too.
Thoughts, anecdotes, comments?
This has been particularly bugging me as of late as I've had to be a little evasive in response to some questions and comments (just minor offhand things, nothing inappropriately prying). We haven't had any real discussion of our histories so it hasn't really come up (and I wouldn't, or couldn't, outright lie to her face), but regardless I've been willingly letting her think something that isn't true, which I feel bad about.
On reflection, I think I've been childishly self-conscious about this, I want her to know, and I think she'd want to know, so I have resolved to take the direct approach. Next time we have a quiet moment (which'll be tomorrow, FYI), I plan to tell her. I know I shouldn't make a big deal about it if I don't want it to be a big deal, so I had entertained the idea of just waiting until she asks a question that demanded it as an answer, but that seemed silly too.
Thoughts, anecdotes, comments?
schattenjaeger on
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either way, there's no reason to bring it up
(whoops, accidentally hailed hydra'd you! O_o)
Hah, well, I've got six busy months of perspective that make me think there was nothing particularly revealing about that first time. I know it wasn't her first time (now wouldn't that make for a good story!) and she was a little nervous too. I assume general sex-with-a-new-person nerves.
My problem with your (much appreciated!) advice is that if I don't bring it up, at some point it's going to come up on its own and I'm not going to lie, and if that's months down the line I just feel like that's going to be weirder. I know we're both entitled to privacy regarding our pasts, but this is something I want to get off my chest, and like I said, I think she'd want to know. Or maybe I shouldn't say "want" to know; put another way, I think she'd respond positively.
Don't make it a big thing. your being a virgin is, at this point, was a good thing.
Sorry, I've edited my original post to make it more clear. She's the only girl I've had sex with.
Why do you feel the need to tell her?
I see myself putting it a lot like Iruka put it. It's getting weird. I feel like avoiding it "until it comes up organically" is almost gaming it a little. "Oh, you never asked!"
How is it getting weird? Well hell:
"What positions do you like?"
"Does blood bother you?" (fortunately for me, I correctly guessed it did not!)
and so on, you can imagine.
Maybe some of those would have been what you consider it coming up organically? Although I'd imagine a sexually charged situation isn't the right time.
And sorry if I'm coming across as argumentative, obviously I had made up mind and then thought "ehhh better have my e-shrinks take a look at this."
Please say this in an amusing fashion, perhaps over a board game or some such.
To me, this isn't a big deal, either the actual being a virgin or the being nervous about revealing it, unless you make it one. And it seems like you'd be making it a bigger deal the longer you wait, and as you've pointed out, the longer you allow the not-truth to be out there. Just lay it out there for her, I suspect she will either say that she knew all along and either didn't care or was pleased, or she will laugh it off and tell you to not worry about it. At which point you should discontinue worrying about this.
"I don't know" is a fair answer to those questions instead of making shit up.
Also, "what positions do you like" isn't really a static thing, at least for me...
You're right, and that's what I've done (except the period sex, where I went with my gut!), and that's sorta been my mantra going forward: Technical honesty!
That's what davidsdurions has described better than I have as the not-truth I've just been leaving out there. I feel like keeping things to myself is what I'd do if I wanted to treat it as a big deal.
That said, I think now I won't just bring it up completely out of the blue and unprompted. With all my whining about having to be slightly disingenuous with my responses, it can't be too long until something comes up and I can start from there.
Since you've comprehensively answered your own question, I'll just add my own theory about how people who aren't mentally ill and ask for advice invariably know what they ought to do, they just want someone to tell them it's OK.
It's totally OK to tell her that she's the first person in the whole world you met who you thought was worth having sex with.
Island Name: Felinefine
Hell, six months later and I still suck at unclasping bras!
Just maybe don't do it the way I did!
My girlfriend at the time, now wife didn't know during our first time. When we were done and laying there, I said "Hey, there's something I gotta tell you"
Heh, she immediately sat up and said, "WHAT?! WHAT IS IT?!" Obviously thinking I was about to tell her something awful. So I just said, "Oh, nothing like that. I'm a virgin is all. Or well, was a virgin." And then we laughed about it.
bnet: moss*1454
This is an excellent way of reframing the topic into a positive light and removing the stigma of virginity. Kudos.
Please shoot me a PM if you add me so I know to add you back.
six months? that's seriously seriously a thing you should not worry about. bras have the most devious, complicated, physics-bending properties known to humankind. if Neil Degrasse Tyson dedicated a part of a Cosmos episode on the mysteries of the bra and why they don't follow the laws of thermodynamic conservation, i wouldn't bat an eye.
(that being said i agree with Iruka. no big thang on the virginity. wish i could tell my younger self this.)
steam | Dokkan: 868846562
If you haven't mentioned your previous partners by now (even in passing), she knows you don't have any. People pick up on that. Obviously it isn't a deal-breaker.
If you tell her that she was your first and she balks and makes fun of you, then she doesn't seem like a friendly understanding partner.
I couldn't work it in (harhar) yesterday ("oh you hurt your knee at yoga? That's fascinating, like the first time I had sex six months ago!"), so I'll just play it by ear this weekend, and if it comes up I'll let you all know how it goes.
To be clear, I think she'll find it endearing. However, if it goes poorly and she turns heel, the point-and-laugh is easy to counter since she's had sex with me!