Should I reach out (relationship advice)

Gork

So, about a month ago, my girlfriend of eight months looked pretty troubled after we spent a day together. After some insistence she told me that she was unsure that I was "the one" and that my certainty that she was was causing her anxiety and that she was no longer in love with me. She said that she wanted some space to think about things but that she was extremely scared of losing me in her life. I made it clear that I could not just be friends with her. Last week I contacted her and she said that she needs to be alone right now and that the relationship is over. She also said that if we were meant to be together, we would be again in the future.

Our relationship was extremely good, in my opinion. We both considered each other as our best friend and both of us have extensive relationship histories, her at 26 and myself at 31. We had very good communication throughout the relationship and it would be rare for us to go a day without talking. She once expressed to me that her and I had the best connection she had out of any relationship in her past.

The relationship did take place over a period of high stress for her. She moved here away from her friends to start her first professional job ever after grad school and to be with me. Her position involves a long commute, which contributes significantly to the stress of her adjustment. She would often get overwhelmed with the stress of adjusting to non-student life, but I did my best to support her. Unfortunately, she admitted to me that how much I helped her made her feel guilty. I tried to dial it back after that.

The focus on the future felt extremely unfair to me. Near the beginning of our relationship, she would joke and make serious statements about our future. At this point in our relationship, I was certain I wanted those things but I assured her I wasn't planning on proposing anytime soon.

Regardless, I really did believe in this relationship and I am pretty devastated at the prospect of giving up on it. While I could continue to give her her space, I'm worried that zero contact is just going to let her forget about me completely, but that the occasional text may let her know I still care. I was also considering writing a letter. Or is no contact whatsoever the way to go? I understand this is all dependent on the person but I still would appreciate opinions.

pirateluigi

I was in a very similar place with a girl I had dated for almost 5 years. And honestly, the best thing you can do for both of you is to keep no contact and try to move on. Maybe you'll get back together, maybe you won't. But if you keep reaching out to her, you'll only make it harder for both you moving forward.

CelestialBadger

I think it sounds like she really likes you but only as a friend. Just move on. Keep in touch casually via Facebook. Breaking up always hurts at first but stick it out, and it'll hurt less, and you find someone who loves you as much as you love them. Don't text or write; you need to accept that it is over.

Holler

The relationship was extremely good in your opinion, key word: your opinion.

She dumped you, and asked you not to contact her. There is no question about what you should do in this situation, because she already told you exactly what she wanted. Failure to respect that will make you a controlling, manipulative asshole.

I know breaking up sucks, but this girl doesn't want you. Leave her alone.

spaboolly

From what you've said here, you two sound very socially incompatible to me. If she was uncomfortable with you trying to support her, and that's what you felt like you needed to be doing, a functional long term relationship was pretty much out of the question all along. I know that would make me very unhappy in a relationship, even if you meant well.

Some people feel pressured in their twenties to find that hypothetical life mate as soon as possible, when what they really need is to take a few steps back and spend that time sorting out their own lives before trying to wedge other people into the equation. It sounds to me like she realized this, at least on some level. If she made her wishes for the future clear, then you need to respect them.

V1m

Get on with your life and who knows, maybe she'll contact you one day. But Don't contact her.

Artereis

If you need closure I don't think it would be unreasonable to thank her for being direct and wishing her well, but I wouldn't go any further than that.

Cambiata

You've been given good advice here, but I just want to add my voice: If you respect her, you will respect her wishes and not contact her. If you do not respect her, then also do not contact her because she deserves someone who respects her.

ZeitgeistHeist

As a lady with lady friends who have gone through the exact same situation, but from the other perspective, I would absolutely let her alone. Not because it's what she asked for, but because if she is truly evaluating your relationship, she would probably be doing it alongside you. Even if she is actually doing that, but on her own, she is not going to "forget" a guy she dated for any length of time. By texting her/leaving letters/whatever, you're just leaving a trail of lightly desperate breadcrumbs for her to hopefully follow, and she will probably not find that to be incredibly attractive or respective behavior, even if she is just evaluating.

It seems she is trying to let you down easy (and also abate some of her guilt which you mentioned she already had some issues with) by saying, "not now, maybe later, please don't be upset, bye."

HeraldS

Here's what I would recommend:

-No contact. She asked you not to contact her, but even if she hadn't, the only way to get over her and move on is to allow yourself the space to do this, which means no contact.
-Throw yourself into your work. Distract yourself from your temporary misery by being awesome in another facet of your life.
-Take up a new hobby or spend more time on one you already have. Same idea as the work thing, excel in a facet of your life you can control and still enjoy and it will help you get through the roughest patch, i.e. right now.
-Exercise. Lots of it and perhaps something new. Always wanted to try CrossFit or MMA? Go for it. Has it been a dream of yours to try a marathon or triathalon? Go for it. No time like the present.

The truth is she left you and she almost certainly won't be back. Focus on being the most awesome you you can be so that you are in the right place personally when the next right person comes along at the right time. Good luck.

AngelHedgie

ZeitgeistHeist wrote: »

As a lady with lady friends who have gone through the exact same situation, but from the other perspective, I would absolutely let her alone. Not because it's what she asked for, but because if she is truly evaluating your relationship, she would probably be doing it alongside you. Even if she is actually doing that, but on her own, she is not going to "forget" a guy she dated for any length of time. By texting her/leaving letters/whatever, you're just leaving a trail of lightly desperate breadcrumbs for her to hopefully follow, and she will probably not find that to be incredibly attractive or respective behavior, even if she is just evaluating.

It seems she is trying to let you down easy (and also abate some of her guilt which you mentioned she already had some issues with) by saying, "not now, maybe later, please don't be upset, bye."

It's important to remember that our society also socializes women to not give hard nos. So just because she gives you a soft no doesn't mean that she intended for that no to be soft.

Khoshekh

If she's asked you not to contact her, then if you *do* contact her, you're going against her wishes. As someone who has been in your position before, all you can do is honour those wishes. If she wants to re-establish contact in the future, she will.

Constrictor

Is this the model girl you frequently talked about in the internet dating thread? You kept posting about how great the relationship was and how attractive she was. Sounds like that you really built it up a lot in your mind and it provided you with a lot of pride. If she ever caught a whiff of that, she may have felt more like a trophy than a partner.

Knowing what I do about the background, I would ask you to honestly examine your reluctance to let go and determine how much of it is love and how much of it is ego protection. My advice is to take it as a learning experience and move on. If she decides she wants to revisit the relationship let her do that on her terms.

L Ron Howard

Had this happen to me. She broke up with you, but couldn't quite tell you.

You should take any of the many suggestions to try to get over it. Sounds easier than it is, I know.

I wish you the best of luck.