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Help me get some passion

Sorry in advance for the novel, but i need some advice with some relationship issues.
So i've been dating someone for a few years now, i really love her a lot, and want to spend the rest of my life with her. no question. we get along incredibly well, and as far as i know, she loves me as well. However, we've had a couple conversations lately that kind of worry me. She's concerned there is something missing from our relationship, and to be honest, i can see where she's coming from. She mentioned her previous relationship that was pretty dysfunctional, but passionate. we seem to be the opposite, more or less. I don't think we're completely passionless, but it is a bit early in our relationship to fall into routine. oftentimes we get home, eat dinner, and sit in front of the tv, and just go to bed. I think she is actually similar to me, in being guarded a bit, and she said that is the one thing her ex could really bring out of her, and i don't. There are more specific issues as well. I have a fair amount of CC debt, on top of a car, and a house that put me in a giant hole to begin with. She is worried i'm not really focused on our future and paying that off, she's not wrong in that case as i have a bit of a delay of gratification issue. When i want something, or to go on a trip, i'll figure out how to make it happen, possibly getting further into debt to do so. She doesn't want to be the "bad guy" in saying no, we (well, I really) can't afford to do something. i told her i don't think of her as not fun when something like that happens, as soon as she says "no that's not a good idea" i snap out of it and agree, but she doesn't want to have to do that at all. I can understand that.

I am very laid back, and i think in the past i've developed that as a bit of a defensive mechanism to deal with my life. Nothing really bothers me that much, but i also don't really make a big deal about even things i enjoy. I don't want to be laid back in every aspect of my relationship, i want to be passionate (but not a psycho)and her to always know that i love her with all my heart. I'll be honest, i'm not sure i know how to change. I'm not young, and i've been living my life this way for quite a while. This is not the first time that a girl has brought this up either, in the past i convinced myself that they are being overly dramatic (or whatever), and that i am fine the way i am. All that thinking got me was single again, and i don't feel the same way now.

We just had one of these conversations last night, and honestly, all i can really think to do is talk to a counselor or something. anyone have any advice? Should i suggest couples counseling? She is not saying i'm entirely at fault for our issues at all, she recognizes that she's to blame as well. i think the fact that we both put others feelings/enjoyment/whatever ahead of our own, is causing us to not be sure how to really connect with each other.

TL;DR version: I'm a very laid back person, bordering on impassionate. People in the past have assumed that i just don't care. My GF is similarly laid back, but not nearly as aloof as i am. She is concerned not that i don't love her, she knows i do, but that we're just running through the motions, and the underlying emotional attachment might not be there. I feel it is, but i'm not sure how to change our interactions to reflect this. probably going to talk to a counselor or something, but im curious if anyone has any other ideas.

Posts

  • _J__J_ Pedant Registered User, __BANNED USERS regular
    Ask her what sorts of things you could do to demonstrate your love for her.

    Do those things.

  • EWomEWom Registered User regular
    I wish I could offer advice, but I'm a lot like you, and my wife felt the same way as your girlfriend. So she found someone else to fuck, and now I'm in the middle of a horrible divorce.

    I suggest counseling for the two of you before it's too late. As well as counseling for yourself, maybe a professional can help you find some passion.

    Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
  • Lord PalingtonLord Palington he.him.his History-loving pal!Registered User regular
    It's a good thing you guys are communicating about this, and neither of you are dismissing it as the other one's fault.

    Counseling might not be a bad idea. If she doesn't want to go, it might not be a bad idea for you to do it on your own, just to work on you for awhile.

    As a couple of smaller suggestions that you can work on right away - try eating dinner with the TV off. You can have a radio on in the background if you need some noise, but it won't grab your attention away from each other so much. Focus on things you enjoy doing together. Hell, if you're both readers, maybe try reading each other's favorite books and discuss them. Be aware of her, as in notice when she's having a good hair day, or when she seems tired.

    Re: the debt, get together at least a basic outline of a budget that includes throwing money at those old debts and not going further into debt if unnecessary.

    Best of luck making it work, man.

    SrUxdlb.jpg
  • Jean Claude Van CalmJean Claude Van Calm 'sup? Awesome Possum.Registered User regular
    edited September 2014
    EWom wrote: »
    I wish I could offer advice, but I'm a lot like you, and my wife felt the same way as your girlfriend. So she found someone else to fuck, and now I'm in the middle of a horrible divorce.

    I suggest counseling for the two of you before it's too late. As well as counseling for yourself, maybe a professional can help you find some passion.

    I too am similar.... to both of you! My divorce was a few years ago though.

    Not that I'm saying your relationship is heading down that road Dr OP. It's a strange thing, seems like you're both open about the lack of passion. Used to be I thought communicating and mentioning the elephant was enough to be self aware of the issue and sort of head off the problem, this is not true :( I'm going to agree with J if lack of passion is described as X then you need to know what X is described as passionate and do those things (if you so choose). The hardest part is finding out what X is, it's difficult to communicate the tiny things that make love more passionate. It's even more difficult if you're worried about doing it as well as an ex.

    I read this book that I can't for the life of me remember. But, the author had this funny little analogy for the little things that people do to "prove their love" or be more passionate. They considered it currency, with all the flaws of this for that, debt, inflation etc - but worse! There's an exchange rate, what you see as deeply moving and passionate she see's as boring or weird, same goes for what she does for you. Just an interesting idea. (Ninja edit) I left out the most important part, point is people like to be paid in their own currency if she does little cute things to "pay you" odds are doing something similar to pay her back is the way to go, I can't do anything with your dinar!

    So, with that said. I would ask what things can be done to bring out the passion (A counselor could be handy here to pin down what things need to be done), furthermore I would make up my own passionate things to do (without being psycho as you mentioned) and just see what sticks.

    Also, you should be keenly aware that relationships are not ever ALL passion all the time, it's draining - and people tend to either see only the good or only the bad things from past relationships.

    Jean Claude Van Calm on
    PSN: Grimmsy- Xbox Live: Grimmsy
  • davidsdurionsdavidsdurions Your Trusty Meatshield Panhandle NebraskaRegistered User regular
    Dude, take her on a picnic this week. Next week rent a canoe and lazily paddle down the river together. Week after, movies!!! Week after that, save up for the next week. Because? You are going to a bed and breakfast.

    And so on and so forth.

  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    I've heard that currency analogy as well! i forget where... i think my mom might have mentioned it as she's constantly trying to explain her not great marriage...

    I was going to suggest that we "unplug" every once in a while, no TV, no Phones, etc.

    I think part of my problem is that i'm nervous that romantic gestures will be seen as corny and have the opposite effect. i have a pretty hefty fear of rejection as well. I get stuck in my own head, and talk myself right out of doing anything because i'm afraid it's stupid.

  • The EnderThe Ender Registered User regular
    edited September 2014
    I am really hesitant to recommend it, but I've come to understand that there is a very significant number of people who have rescued relationships with passion problems by making them open.

    If my memory hasn't failed me, I think @ceres is one of those folks?


    Couples counselling would be wise in any case.


    EDIT: Yup, memory = fail. :|

    Sorry. I'm sure I read it in a previous H/A thread dealing with a relationship crisis, but I don't remember who it was.

    The Ender on
    With Love and Courage
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Um, I didn't rescue my relationship, I'm just poly. I can tell you about it if you want though.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • Reverend_ChaosReverend_Chaos Suit Up! Spokane WARegistered User regular
    Dr. Frenchenstein, you and I sound very much the same. I'll throw out a couple of things, hopefully something helps. You could go to counseling, but that can get pricey.

    Ask her, straight up, "What are three small things that I could do, or say, that would make you feel connected/appreciated/whatever" Write them down (Seriously, write them down.) and then go out of you way to do or say one of those thing. This may seem a bit forced or even artificial, but what it does is forces you to be more aware of her, and not go into autopilot when you get home. It also gets you in the habit of doing or saying something that shows your appreciation.

    You could also go out of your way to pay her one small compliment every day. This is a great habit to cultivate and it will make her feel good about herself. This can be as simple as "I like what you did with your hair today. You look nice." or "I noticed you did XYZ thing for me, I really appreciate that." The trick is to be genuine, and try to change it up.

    Once a week or so, declare a technology free evening and do something together. Play a board or card game. Go for a walk, sit and talk, whatever.

    “Think of me like Yoda, but instead of being little and green I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro—I'm Broda!”
  • ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    Don't overthink it TOO much. For a lot of these things, being spontaneous is pretty key. I see this a lot in people: they think of something and the internal monologue goes "I bet she would think this is fun. I think it would be. Maybe she'll just think it's cheesy or cliche. Maybe she'll think it's stupid and then think less of me. Eh, let's just do this safe thing we always do."

    She is probably not going to think less of you for trying, and if you try something and it doesn't work out at all, you figure out why and then modify or don't do it again.

    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
  • DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    Is it lack of passion, or are you just stuck in a pattern/rut of some kind? These are not the same thing though I can understand how they could seem so; you just might have fallen into habitual behavior, and it's easier to go with the inertia instead of trying to do anything different. Find ways of injecting fun and spontaneity by doing stuff that is outside your habitual routine: doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Which may be a conflating issue. If you're financially strapped that puts you under a fair amount of background stress eventhough you don't think it is at play. It occupies your mindspace (or whatever).

    Most people (if not all) are creatures of habit, and now that you've kinda of settled down with each other a bit there ain't no need to try anymore. That's not to say it should all be on you, but someone needs to take a bit more of a stand to stir stuff up a bit and see what happens.

    Even little stuff can show you are not taking her for granted, which is what I'm assuming you're dealing with and not that you're depressed or something.

  • JaysonFourJaysonFour Classy Monster Kitteh Registered User regular
    edited September 2014
    When you think of something romantic to do, tell that little voice in your head that says "Oh, it's corny, she'll never like that and think it's stupid..." to fuck off. The intent is always better than the actual action- so what if you offer to cook her a romantic meal, but everything ends up burnt? It was the intent behind it, the fact that you wanted to surprise your loved one with a romantic evening- that's what will stick with her.

    I think that's what she might be looking for- not the fact that you tell her you love her, but the fact that you show her you do. Like they say, talk is cheap.

    JaysonFour on
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    I can has cheezburger, yes?
  • IncenjucarIncenjucar VChatter Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    Engage all of her senses. Pursue knowledge of her. Make goals and act on them. Learn for her. Demonstrate for her. Seduce her intellect. Do. Do. DO.

    There is a galaxy of free or cheap things you can do to bring a smile to her lips and a little swivel to her hips every time she thinks of you.

    Turn off the TV. TV is a fantasy of life and passion is in a life fantastic. TV is for those moments when you are both too exhausted and just want some noise to cuddle to or a team to cheer together.

    Decide, if only for now, the kind of person you'd like to be for her. Find a role model, or create one in your mind. Work toward something - anything.

    I highly recommend a book called Swoon, but Betsy Prioleau, which is basically about how being a ladies man works. Take it with a grain of salt, and remember that it mostly (but not always) describes non-monogamous men, but it is chock full of good ideas that can make be just as wonderful when applied to only one special person.

    For specific examples: Massages, hair-stroking, cooking, surprises, asking questions about non-generic topics (What is your favorite bird call?), swapping stories of your youths, bringing her interesting objects you find (make sure it's not poison ivy!), playing chase in the park, learning a poem to recite, writing a love note by hand, making her a bagged lunch, creating a timeline of goals and a budget chart to show how you can reach them, compare baby name preferences, learn how to use your voice to make her toes curl, plan a date out from start to finish including the meal and the outfits, after learning what you KNOW she would like, and so on.

    I am plagued by these issues, myself, and I still struggle with them on a daily basis, but change is available (and O it is fulfilling). I've been slowly moving toward a mental construct of a swashbuckler type (I am not recommending that for you - I'm a bit odd), and it's done amazing things for my ability to hold someone's attention.

  • Cultural Geek GirlCultural Geek Girl Registered User regular
    edited September 2014
    I've known a lot of analytical people and a lot of passionate people. I'm kinda both, so I've frequently acted as a translator. I also half-jokingly helped a friend make a system where he could be romantic for his girlfriend without my direct help. Here are some of the highlights:

    The Consideration Technique
    Make a list of things you know she likes, and make a list of things you like about her. Keep these lists updated when you think of a new thing. Then, at least once a week, do a thing she likes and tell her it was because of a thing you like about her. It doesn't have to be something big or expensive, it could just be... clean the bathroom mirror and write a note that says "you're cute when you wake up" or something.

    Specific variation for you: SECRETLY make a budget, one that really discourages you from doing things to go further in debt (there are other places you can get advice on budgeting). Then, if you can pull it off jovially, do this: write down times when you were tempted and avoided temptation, wait a week, then buy or make her something really small and write "I was going to buy Grand Turismo, but instead I bought you this York Peppermint Patty and put the rest in the bank" or "I was going to order a new laptop, but instead I made you a mix tape full of songs about computers."

    Let me break down the logic here
    1) She's clearly told you that she doesn't want to be the warden, and I get that. I once had a friend who was terrible with money, but every time I'd suggest they not buy that new game/car/toy, they'd make the saddest face ever, and usually agree. This would make me feel terrible, though the thing I'd asked was perfectly reasonable and in fact vital to us continuing to pay our rent. Even if you usually listen, this stuff takes a toll.
    2) She does want the change, however, and demonstrating that you've changed positively because of her is a plus. I know the old chestnut about not trying to change people, but if someone voluntarily changes themselves in a way that makes them healthier as a direct response to your input, that feels amazing.
    3) Waiting a week and then doing/writing something silly will reduce the pain for you (to keep you from looking wounded when you tell her how you gave something up), and having the associated gift be dumb or small reduces the drama and lightens the mood. Doing a note rather than handing her a gift adds another level of levity, and connecting it with a small gesture shows you're thinking of her.

    I know that this seems really, really hard but if you can pull it off, it'd be INCREDIBLE. Seriously, I'd almost suggest financial counseling before emotional counseling. It will also relieve stress and worry, which are relationship KILLERS.

    Character Analysis
    You like to watch TV together? That's great. If you're both reserved, it can help you think of ways to emotionally engage - if you watch decent TV. Don't just sit there passively all the time - if a scene or episode is especially moving or interesting, think of a question or situation it reminds you of, and then start a conversation about that. Start the conversation with a small revelation on your part, if possible, so it doesn't seem like an interrogation. It can start with dumb things like a song or a joke the show reminded you of, then get deeper into stuff like old friendships and hopes and dreams and fears. TV is cool because it triggers emotions in a way we can analyze, and serves as a way to allow us to both connect with and distance ourselves from those emotions. It's not about your weird childhood, it's about Ron Fucking Swanson's weird childhood.

    After stress is reduced (in the form of a better budget) and communication is opened (in the form of talkin' about TV), then positive stuff will happen more spontaneously. Honestly, you're pretty lucky that you're conscious of the financial issue, and that you've communicated with her about it as much as you have... it gives you a lot of information to act on.

    Cultural Geek Girl on
    Buttoneer, Brigadeer, and Keeper of the Book of Wil Wheaton.
    Triwizard Drinking Tournament - '09 !Hufflepuff unofficial conscript, '10 !Gryffindor
    Nerd blog at culturalgeekgirl.com
  • Seattle ThreadSeattle Thread Registered User regular
    Actually... I have a sneaking suspicion that your girlfriend is saying "we need to have more sex," but in a roundabout way. And not just "Tuesday night is sexy night," so to speak... more like a "oh, we're both at home with nothing to do, whatever shall we occupy our time with?" sort of way. Or even something spontaneous, left completely unsaid, in a "just go for it" sense.

    This is not meant to be creepy or demeaning, but really, when she talks about "passion" and "dysfunction" in her previous relationships, what else can you deduce? Why else would someone stay in a relationship that was that dysfunctional if the sex wasn't good? I've been there, and I almost came out unscathed... but that's neither here nor there.

    I think what she's after is for you to be so insatiably attracted to her that you can't help yourself. A bit of the time when you first started dating, where the moment you saw each other you'd beat around the bush for a bit before ravenously making out (I might be guessing here, but the point remains).

    After all, sex is what drives relationships. The other advice in the thread--going out on activities, doing things together--can be done with friends. Without sexual intimacy, you're just hanging out with a friend.

    kofz2amsvqm3.png
  • davidsdurionsdavidsdurions Your Trusty Meatshield Panhandle NebraskaRegistered User regular
    Actually... I have a sneaking suspicion that your girlfriend is saying "we need to have more sex," but in a roundabout way. And not just "Tuesday night is sexy night," so to speak... more like a "oh, we're both at home with nothing to do, whatever shall we occupy our time with?" sort of way. Or even something spontaneous, left completely unsaid, in a "just go for it" sense.

    This is not meant to be creepy or demeaning, but really, when she talks about "passion" and "dysfunction" in her previous relationships, what else can you deduce? Why else would someone stay in a relationship that was that dysfunctional if the sex wasn't good? I've been there, and I almost came out unscathed... but that's neither here nor there.

    I think what she's after is for you to be so insatiably attracted to her that you can't help yourself. A bit of the time when you first started dating, where the moment you saw each other you'd beat around the bush for a bit before ravenously making out (I might be guessing here, but the point remains).

    After all, sex is what drives relationships. The other advice in the thread--going out on activities, doing things together--can be done with friends. Without sexual intimacy, you're just hanging out with a friend.

    If this is true, consider my post again:
    Dude, take her on a picnic this week. Next week rent a canoe and lazily paddle down the river together. Week after, movies!!! Week after that, save up for the next week. Because? You are going to a bed and breakfast.

    And so on and so forth.

    Especially the bolded area. :)

  • GizzyGizzy i am a cat PhoenixRegistered User regular
    edited September 2014
    I read a book one time that really opened my eyes even though it seemed like it should have been common sense stuff. Basically it said there are 5 different ways people express and feel love, so you have to figure out what your partner's "love language" is in order to make them feel loved. If you don't know offhand which she is (could be more than 1 of these, and possibly a little bit of them all) - try all 5!

    1. Gifts - Doesn't have to be expensive - if you see a small token that reminds you of her bring her that and see how she reacts.
    2. Quality Time - Turn the TV off and engage. Go for walks.
    3. Words of Affirmation - Some people simply need to hear you say you love them, some need to hear it everyday.
    4. Acts of Service - This is like .. spontaneously doing the dishes, household chores, fixing something that is broken.
    5. Physical Touch - Sex! And holding hands, and all the physical in between.

    One thing to think about .. is you may be more comfortable with the one that works for YOU. But that's YOUR love language. The key is finding HER love language, that's the one that'll make her feel loved. It sounds like you may have a lot in common - but this part you might not have in common.

    Gizzy on
    Switch Animal Crossing Friend Code: SW-5107-9276-1030
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  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    this is all awesome advice, thanks everybody!

    Money is definitely a stressor, as my house is a giant money pit. couple that with buying things being a big stress reliever for me, and you get lots of debt...

    Ceres has my mindset nailed down exactly, that is exactly the thought process i have when i think of something romantic. i kind of feel that way about sex sometimes too, i think: I'd kind of like to get frisky, hmm i don't know if she wants to, crap i'm out of shape, ok she probably doesn't want to, now i'll eat an entire cake.

    i tend to talk myself right out of doing anything when i'm feeling down

  • ThundyrkatzThundyrkatz Registered User regular
    It does not have to be grand gestures either. Making it a point to hug or grab her butt every now and again. Also be excited to see her a bright "Good Morning Hun!" and "How was your day?" can go a long way.

  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    i typically do all the cooking, and we kiss goodbye in the mornings, and hello when she gets home (somehow i leave after her, and get home before her), i frequently compliment her looks, and we're very cuddly on the couch. so i think i've got that stuff down.

  • schussschuss Registered User regular
    Just expand on the cuddly stuff. What my wife loves about me is that I just hug or hold her randomly and go for kisses all the time (in addition to attempting various inappropriate for public touches). That goes a long way. Write her poetry, make her the focus for at least part of your day, turning off your devices and just being there with her.

  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    yeah, the unplugging thing is something we definitely need to do.

  • bowenbowen How you doin'? Registered User regular
    Things bowen has learned about relationships when people think something is missing from a relationship:
    • They think life is a disney movie and that every day needs to be romantic, this is untenable and they need to break that line of thinking asap
    • You need to do lots of stuff spontaneously, bring home flowers, chocolates, a card that says you love her, it doesn't have to be huge
    • Running through the motions is a lot of what relationships become after the first 3-5 years. You need to take up new hobbies to do together. Find an adventure you can both get behind.
    • Adding on to the running through the motions a lot of that is actually related with spending too much time with a person. You need your own personal time and own hobbies to share with the person. Maybe you do a D&D/poker night with friends. Something you can "share" and get excited about will help give you things to talk about with your S/O. But that also ties into point 1, that not every day needs or will be romantic. You each need to put 100% into the relationship and care about the other person and what's going on in their life

    The first point is the hardest one to get over for some people. Also, if you find you're putting all the effort into the relationship (valentine's day, your anniversary, etc) with planning and lavishing with love and gifts, you need to make that apparent because you putting in 100% and the other person putting in 50% sucks. Especially if you get told that your ideas stink and you're not romantic enough, in my eyes, the person doing the planning at least tried.

    not a doctor, not a lawyer, examples I use may not be fully researched so don't take out of context plz, don't @ me
  • musanmanmusanman Registered User regular
    My wife's advice as I scrolled through this one: "lick that clit"

    I'm not trying to get infracted, this seriously happened.

    sic2sig.jpg
  • Pure DinPure Din Boston-areaRegistered User regular
    I think other people got the "doing little things" advice covered, but I would say that paying attention to her emotional state is also really important, maybe even more so. It's like the bonus round for boyfriend points.

    True story, my fiance and I were having dinner with our friend and his family, and my wine glass was empty and I was feeling nervous and just looking at it awkwardly because I was too shy to ask to more. A minute or two later, my friend's father asked my fiance if he would like more wine, and my fiance said, "Yes, but I would like to fill Din's cup first." All the older women started swooning as if he were George Clooney! And it made me feel really loved as well. <3

  • EWomEWom Registered User regular
    musanman wrote: »
    My wife's advice as I scrolled through this one: "lick that clit"

    I'm not trying to get infracted, this seriously happened.

    If that were all it takes to make a happy marriage, then I would not be getting divorced... :(

    Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    It's not your exclusive job to provide motivation or passion to the relationship. It's very hard to want to do things for someone who never does things for you. You'll just feel like a used tool. Eventually you'll be pissed. If she's not passionate, maybe it's not your fault.

  • The AnonymousThe Anonymous Uh, uh, uhhhhhh... Uh, uh.Registered User regular
    edited September 2014
    Err, wrong thread

    The Anonymous on
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