there is a lot of documentation of creepy brony presence at conventions and the like turning what should be a safe space for young girls into someplace they shouldn't be
on the other hand, homestuck fans have proven time and again that they can't be trusted to not be creepy in multiple ways. I refer to tracking down where Hussie lives, the Bucket Incident and the over-zealous shipping.
I thought the bucket incident was more serious.
and then I actually looked into it and was like, what, are you, really
how droll.
I have to wonder if we're talking about the same thing
2010: 7 pages. Elsewhere, we learn that Hearts Boxcars really hates time travel, as he is swarmed by copies of Eggs and Biscuits. Above the fray, however, is CLOVER, giggling at HB's entrapment in a series of "stable and not so stable time loops". ("Mostly unstable" as Eggs and Biscuits are "too dumb to maintain even elementary looping stability".) Clover would love nothing more than to ask HB, or anyone else, a few clever TIME RIDDLES. Answer enough and he might even grant one access to the vault. And if you just asked, Clover would say that CROWBAR could "pry anything out of a time loop, stable or otherwise". Well, if HB weren't stuck and Crowbar weren't dead, that is. Over in his shop, STITCH laments the growing tears in the fabric of spacetime and thus on LORD ENGLISH'S CAIRO OVERCOAT. This coat, which is green but with revolving multi-colored bands on its lapels, is actually his BACKUP COAT. The narration tells us that in addition to an in-house doctor, any gang that deals in time travel "better have a damn good tailor too". HB radios Spades for backup. Spades says he'll get in touch with Droog first. Spades is informed of the situation with Droog, Clubs, and Fin, and says that he'll be right down there after they take care of Stitch. In the past, Fin finally reaches Stitch's workshop, which we can also see has an effigy for each member for the felt. (The dead members have blackened effigies with their corresponding injuries.) Fin says something about CD and a bomb, and Stitch sees that Fin's effigy is full of holes. "But he should be just fine if it can be patched up before he bleeds to..." Spades sticks Fin's pin in the voodoo doll. Fin finally succumbs to his wounds. ("8/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD.")
2011: 1 page. Karkat opens up a new memo, and claims it will be his last, mostly because he thinks he "MIGHT BE DEAD SOON". He says this mostly because the "BARD OF RAGE IS ON THE LOOSE" and reminds everyone what Gamzee "DID TO THE BLACK KING". Karkat is pretty much scared out of his wits, a situation not helped as Feferi's corpse causes a horn from the pile to honk. Just as he tries to get out of there, Gamzee (from "420 HOURS AGO") responds to the memo. Past Gamzee asks "nOw wHaT ThE MoThEr fUcK WiLl i bE SuPpOsEd tO Do?" but Karkat says "THIS PRACTICALLY DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU" and bans him from the memo. Karkat wonders if he should try to revive his comrades, despite the destruction of Propsit and Derse, and also him possibly being too scared to go near the horn pile (lest Gamzee has actually "BEEN IN THERE THE WHOLE TIME"). About then Feferi from 380 hours in the past responds, asking what he means and if Karkat is actually being serious because all of his "memos )(ave been so outrageous". Karkat apologizes to her and bans her from the memo. One last thing: oh yeah, Eridan "HAD A COMPLETE MELTDOWN" and is "KILLING PEOPLE WITH HIS MAGIC WAND". Karkat says Eridan "BETTER PRAY TO ALL HIS MURDERED ANGELS" he doesn't run into Karkat. Eridan from 311 hours ago responds and says "a magic wwand is that so" "kar come on noww evveryone fuckin KNOWWS this memos rubbish".
2012: 11 pages. We finally get caught up to where we last left Jane, except now we get to see what happened on Roxy's end. She readers her appearifier gun. Right then, GCat teleports him. Jaspers Frigglish doesn't much car for the intruder and pounces at him. Roxy doesn't notice or see him, and she appearfies the book right over where GCat was and where Frigglish is about to be. The book plummets on to him, thus confirming a long-held belief. Roxy is almost as crushed as her cat, and curses "that julep guzzling bastard" as he scrambles up his echeladder. Roxy debates what to do with Frigglish. We learn that she got him by messing with a machine in the lab, and based on the "timestamp and coordinates" she thinks he belonged to her Mom. Over the years, she has stockpiled enough uranium to run the machine just one more time, so she decides to send him back to the original coordinates. She captchalogues him, but her sylladex is full, so time to "break in a new FENESTRATED PLANE".
2013: 7 pages, 2 flashes: [ S] WHEEEEEEEEEEE! and [ S] HA HA HA! HE HE HE! HO HO HO!. They also make a SAWHOO and ZILLWAVE for good measure. "Some day you'll look back on this decision and say thank god I did that." The narration tells us making a ZILLY SANTA may not be a good idea, but we do anyway. Okay, so maybe only one. "OH FUCK YOU MAKE A BUNCH OF ZILLY SANTAS."
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[ S] WHEEEEEEEEEEE!
Audio: uncredited Christmas-y noise and Mario Paint effects
The kids enjoy their pile of zilly Santas as the narration tries to get them to move along. "HELLO??? fuckin teens."
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[ S] HA HA HA! HE HE HE! HO HO HO!
Audio: more uncredited noises, and cherub laughter
We do an infinite zoom in a technicolor zilly Santa's nose. The narration declares that we're done here.
We go back to ACT 6 ACT 5 ACT 1. A strung out Jane holds a lolly. Some orange chains are behind her. The narration says that we finally "slip out of the fabled peachbirth trance of the jokebollocks, and cease quaking in the foodsandwich throes of the goofjester tongues, stubborn though they were". And that we should not "never speak of ACT 6 ACT 5 ACT 2 again". A rude person in all lime-green caps takes exception to this turn of events.
2014: No update.
January 26
2010: 4 pages. CD bursts into workshop with a "hat full of bomb, a fist full of penis, and a head full of empty". Stitch tells CD to put the bull penis cane down and that "C4 is a stable explosive that won't detonate with gunfire". DD sneaks up behind him, though, and tells Stitch: "Don't bleed on the suits". He cracks Stitch on the skull with the butt of his rifle and stuffs him into the brawlsoeum. DD has the self-awareness to admit that "carrying an imprisoned tailor" around is "gratifying for personal reasons", but he also figures he may useful in dealing with Lord English later.
2011: 9 pages. "Adios, sweet Toreadoormat." Karkat continues the memo, and tells Eridan, who is currently on his planet wearing, that their "'PACT'" is over and that he is dead to him. Karkat goes on yelling at him for a bit, but of course Eridan takes it as a black solicitation. Karkat explains that, no, "I REALLY DO WANT YOU TO DIE". Eridan remains himself: "obvviously i kneww you wwerent serious" and asks if Karkat's going to drop by his planet soon. Karkat points out that he's a) "300 FUCKING HOURS IN THE FUTURE" and b) "WHAT THE FUCK". Eridan continues to think Karkat is either actually flirting with him or play flirting, making him more and more frustrated ("MY FUCKING GOD MAN"). Eridan keeps trying to get Karkat to send his past self to visit, claiming he isn't doing anything, but Karkat protests that he's killing angels again and tells Eridan that it wouldn't work between them because he is "A STONE COLD RETARDED FUCKING IDIOT. NOT TO MENTION COWARDLY BACKSTABBING MURDERER." Eridan says "im gettin some seriously mixed signals here". "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO THEM" "wwhat to wwho" "TO" "FUCK" "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HER." Eridan is still confused, and Karkat is so confused, angry, and upset that he can't even type Kanaya's name. After saying that "NEXT TIME I SEE THAT SHITTY COLOR YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT'LL BE COMING OUT OF YOUR BODY" and no, "THAT WAS NOT INNUENDO" and finally bans him. Which is when Gamzee from 42 minutes in the future responds: "honk." Karkat points out that Gamzee has cracked, which Gamzee refutes "i'm as chill as all what's can be." "NO CAUSE FOR ALARM". Karkat continues freaking out, as Gamzee says "i'm your future, best friend. "I KNOW WHERE YOU MOTHERFUCKING ARE." That does not help. "GUESS MOTHERFUCKIN WHAT." "NO I DON'T WANT TO" Gamzee says he'll be "meeting up with some friends" and "GET PRETTY MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDLY AT THEM" and wonders if Karkat can get there "in time and make me get my reconsider on?" A handful of "OH FUCK"s later Karkat flees. Elsewhere, Terezi turns to make an UPSETTING DISCOVERY. Terezi tries to cry, but she's already cried out from "stupid lousy doomed Dave" and her "stupid lousy complicity in his death". Anyway, time to get some justice on. The stench is apparently pretty bad, but "a true legislacerator must be steeled to the revolting" and swears that "someone is going to pay". Apparently on Alternia, "a legislacerator will always have a chief suspect in mind" but still "it is only prudent to stay open to the possilibity of other culprits". She (correctly) has Vriska in mind, a theory supported by the traces of special stardust in the air. But she also smells "bright trail of white light", which "smells... hopeful". She also hears what may be faint "HONK"s in the distance, which grow louder. Terezi chalks it up be Gamzee's "unmistakable charades". She figures he "has no idea of the sort of danger he is in, with one or more murderers on the loose". Back to work, though. She deploys her scalemates top investigators: Professor Pucefoot, Inspector Berrybreath, and Doctor Honeytongue.
2012: 8 pages. Roxy gets another dead cat out of her sylladex and breaks the bottle. It is a friendly looking mutant kitten, though presumably dead. Roxy plugs in a nearby fenestrated plane in and throws the dead feline right through (presumably the same scene we saw at the beginning of the act). Her "test pilot" flew right back out, meaning "the link between planes is working and stable". With a deft YOUTH ROLL, she jumps right in to see where it goes. The narration explains that for an outside observer, the travel time appears to be instantaneous, but "for the traveler, there's always this gap of void between them". We see that ths gap for these planes is not large, meaning that it probably leads somewhere else in her house. Roxy still isn't "sure what happens if one of the planes loses power while in transit", other than objects "getting sliced in half if they're straddling the plane when the plug pulled". The other end int his instance is the OBSERVATORY, which not only houses a telescope but also what appears to be a cache of PUMPKINS.
2013: 2 pages. Caliborn lambastes the narrator for going back in the acts. The narrator says all the trickster stuff still happened regardless. Caliborn doesn't care and demands to "SEE MORE CANDY ANTICS". The narrator says no and that he also didn't say Caliborn could send the code for his juju. The narrator says no, because aside from the weird drug parallels and quadruple marriage proposals you just can't "give the heroes some cheap game breaking candy and let them blast through the whole adventure and all their personal issues". Caliborn starts knocking the website with the crowbar again and petulantly demands the story go back. The narrator reflects that he probably should've killed Gamzee, but "fuckin clowns tho..." Caliborn says that he the narrator is the most "INCOMPETENT ASSHOLE AT" moving through acts. The unceasing pounding probably isn't doing much for Jane's headache. The narrator relents.
2014: No update.
January 27
2010: 4 pages. We tell Hearts Boxcars to "prod idiots with Red Cheeks", which turns out to be a monumentally bad idea. Meanwhile, Slick removes Crowbar's pin from the voodoo doll. He disappears. He's now in the midst of a gunfight with Crowbar, Stitch, and a member of the Felt we haven't met yet, presumably SAWBUCK. Spades is reminded that "this gang almost seems halfway competent when [Crowbar]'s running the show". We tell Spades to "insert and quickly remove Snowman's pin." He holds up a solid black pin and says it's "kinda tempting" but even he's "not that crazy".
2011: 14 pages. Terezi uses Prof. Pucefoot to draw a "pointless chalk outline". She then uses Inspector Berrybreath's "ample plush rump" to dust for prints. She dusts his arm and face, finding nothing. Surely we are dealing with a master criminal here. Tavros's lance, however, is covered with prints. Her "keen tongue" tells her that most of the prints belong to Tavros, but "several are unidentified". (She has to pretend "there is any chance they are not Vriska's, because otherwise it would be no fun.") She tossed the blood soaked inspector off the platform. She consults Doctor Honeytongue with a medical report. He recommends a full autopsy. She "BOOF"s him off the platform, because "there could still be hope for the victim's resurrection!" She admits that "the odds that his dream self survived are quite slim", but she's got to try anyway, "even if it means braving that awful stench. And hey, "what are friends for if they can't smooch each other's butchered corpses when the need arises?" She takes off her glasses and removes the lance from his torso. She pinches Tavros's lips to pucker them up. Braving the stench she goes in. At the same time, Karkat does the same for Kanaya, thus they break out a "sweet" "2x CORPSESMOOCH COMBO!!!"
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[ S][ I] ==>
Audio: "Three in the Morning" by Clark Powell
We see an 8 ball at the start, as it fades to reveal the gunfight SPADES SLICK just transported himself to that occurs in the past. Behind the crates on the left are MATCHSTICKS, STITCH, and SAWBUCK, while the entire complement of the MIDNIGHT CREW is on the right: DIAMONDS DROOG, HEARTS BOXCARDS, SPADES SLICK, and CLUBS DUECE. We cut to the stairwell behind the combatants. Teleporting isn't really the right word to describe how SNOWMAN appears in the stairwell. She descends down to the combatants, who have momentarily stopped shooting at each other. She's holding an old-style cigarette holder, currently also with a smoldering cigarette. She walks up to Slick. "Hold still, Slick." As he looks up at her, she says, "Something in your eye." She then sticks the cigarette holder in Slick's then-right eye and walks off. Slick now also has a cut across his right eye for his trouble.
Everyone always ceases gunplay when Snowman's around.
If you kill her you destroy the universe.
2011: 8 pages. At the same time, Karkat does the same for Kanaya, thus they break out a "sweet" "2x CORPSESMOOCH COMBO!!!" The panel shows Kanaya's dreamself being consumed but the green fire on Propsit, and that Tavros was sliced half. Thus, "they cannot be revived." Meanwhile, Captain Hook stabs Rufio right in the chest. Hussie, in a Man-Skylark costume, watches in horror. AH begs Rufio not to leave him. He goes in for the revival. As their lips interlock, the narration confirms that "THIS. IS. STUPID."
2012: 3 pages. Roxy lands on one of the nearby gourds. Apparently she uses the observatory almost exclusively for storing pumpkins, which have been appearified from around the world. ("Especially from Jake.") It doesn't hurt that pumpkins "are the most easily appearifiable vegetable on the planet" and that she has her own "mysterious reasons" for taking them. Just then, she gets a message from UU. UU tells Roxy she is hard to find due to her powers are the Hero of Void, which are described as presiding "over the essence of lack, or nothingness." Roxy thinks this is kind of boring, but she then remembers that her Mom had footage of her that randomly blacked out and was a "notoirious scourge to the papayazzai". UU explains that it's not as straightforward as that, as the manifestation of their aspect also depends on their class. Specifically, whether they are active or passive. Roxy changes gears to talk about her recent dream, and describes to UU the person she saw as "well she looked kinda like me" "but in this orange getunp" "With a yellow sun on it". UU says that Roxy saw a "well known figUre of legend", "the seer of light". Roxy then asks if that was her daughter. UU figures that since Roxy figured it out here's no harm in confirming it, so Roxy naturally wants to know "who this lucky fella is". UU is slow to catch her drift, but when she does, she says that she'd love to but that she "mUst show restraint". Roxy tries guessing. Her first guess is "strider": "does he get ungay for a wile or ssuch". UU pretends to not know she's talking about. Roxy then realizes "or is it like" "some ectobio shit instead" "and a dude aint really involved". UU just says "maybe! :u" Roxy asks "whyd you have 2 go and confirm my bleak dudeless future". UU just says she can ask her daughter in person once she's in the game, and gets a little flustered with Roxy's questions. So Roxy steps back and review what she knows: that she will meet her daughter and her mother in this game, and also resurrect her mom from the dead. UU says that there is a mechanism for reviving the dead via kernelsprites but that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with her mom. Roxy thinks UU is dodging the question and she is, sort of, but she's just trying to be helpful. The next panel does not show UU but it does show grey/white hands typing on a keyboard in the Troll alphabet. Roxy decides to back off a bit and asks if UU can explain "what does it mean to be a rogue of void". UU is more than happy to oblige. She says "a rogUe is a passive class", and the opposite of a rogue is a thief. In essence, "active classes exploit their aspect to benefit themselves, while passive classes allow their aspect to benefit others". Roxy gets that part, she just isn't sure "how that works with void". UU says it is "conceptUally nebUloUs" and that void is "by definition inscrUtable to those it does not choose". She does say that a fully ascended Rogue of Void is capable of some "completely astonishing things", but does not say specifically what, not waiting to ruin the "sUrprise". Roxy then admits while this is great and all she did sort of spend the recent past telling her friends to not play the game, and that she's still not really sure if she wants to or not. The "props and cons" are basically either get "passive aggressive revange at the witch" or "sweet powers 4 me [..] tri generational lolonde family reunion". UU asks if she can "make the decision easier" but Roxy says she already has, she just needs to figure out a way to admit to her friends (especially "distri"). Roxy says she needs to go "deliver this dead cat back in time to maybe my mom" and UU says while that doesn't make a lot of sense she has to go as well.
2013: 13 pages, 1 flash: [ S] Caliborn + Gamzee: Engage. The narrator attempts to explain to Caliborn what as wrong about tryign to speed up the kids' personal growth with "insane psychotropic game powerups" and even points out that Calliope was wrong to give Jane the code for her juju. He explains that humans do need the personal growth that comes with solving their own problems, as they are a social species (unlike cherubs). He tries to use the invincibility star from Mario as an analogy, but Caliborn just gets bogged down in the details and then threatens to use the crowbar again. He demands to know how to get on with his own quest. The narrator says that maybe all the "limitless tedium and thankless busywork" was supposed to help his perosonal growth, but Caliborn points out that he was told he was incapable of growing. The narrator then suggests it might have been a "punishment for being such a horrible little shit" instead. Caliborn says yes, yes it has. But that will put up with proceeding in that manner as long as there is no more going "backwards". The narrator says he has already hold Caliborn how to move on: "See those two panes of glass over there? Take your crowbar and smash them." The catch is that "you and a buddy have to turn both keys simultaneously". The narrator says that even Caliborn has to learn a least a little about friendship and teamwork. Caliborn says he'll only do it to get the narrator to shut up. He breaks the glass panes on each side of the terminal, making the keyholes behind them accessible. He enlists Gamzee to take the key for the left side, and him the right. Notably, at least the fobs are from the same keys Gamzee coughed up earlier.
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[ S] Caliborn + Gamzee: Engage
Audio: sound effects
The dynamic duo of Gamzee and Caliborn turn the locks at exactly the same time. Two monitors on Caliborn's tower are now split in two. On side between the the symbols for the heroes of Heart and Void, the other for the heroes of Hope and Life.
Much like the monitors, the website itself now has two columns. The header of the site exclaims that this is the ACT 6 ACT 5 ACT 1 x2 COMBO!!! The ==> ==> on the left side is actually titled up, so that after reading a chatlog the side on the right is properly visible again. Apparently nursing wicked hangovers, the entire crew has wound up on their respective quest slabs, at the heart of their planets' moons. Dirk messages Jane, asking what happened to the lollipop. "I think it fell into the crypt." "Good."
2010: 5 pages. We tell Spades to remove the "knife" from his eye, but it's not a knife, it's Snowman's CIGARETTE HOLDER. He swears that "she's gonna have a hell of a time getting it back." Spades take the lance and chucks at Sawbuck. It doesn't do much damage to the "corpulent lummox", but it does cause Spades to "jump to a random point on the timeline". It appears to be when Stitch and Crowbar were "setting up the crates for the imminent gunfight". ("Which was very thoughtful of them.") Spades repays their generosity by killing this timeline's Stitch with his SABER RATTLE. Spades then busts out his DOUBLE EDGED SWORD and OCCAM'S RAZOR. He throws the razor/KING OF SPADES at Crowbar, but he uses his crowbar to deflect it into "Sawbuck's unmissable carriage". They jump "far into the past", back to the odd multicolored desert from earlier. A figure wearing somewhat familiar looking tattered shroudwear watches from afar.
2011: No update.
2012: No update.
2013: 6 pages. "sage advice from a veteran of substance abuse and its deleterious consequences" Jake messages Roxy and quickly picks up on the fact that she feels as awful as he currently does. Roxy points out that Jake seems pretty chippy for someone with a hangover though, but he assures her that he feels like "a brood of anxious vermin is making its most valiant effort escape from my skull" ("lol jake english w a hangover everyone"). He also figures out that maybe the skulltop wasn't such a good idea in this situation. They both figure that their respective partners are messaging each other as well. Dirk and Jake appease the irony gods by declaring this the "best FUCKING birthday ever".
Jane says that she sees how silly it was to think by her having a (relatively) normal birthday party that it would make everyone cool again, and thanks to the cherubs, she actually got her wish (and then some). Dirk apologizes for having his "head up [his] ass" for a while because of Jake. Jane wants to know how he managed to stay so "lucid". He says that he kind of wishes he hadn't, but "suffice to say, I have trouble escaping from myself". He asks to drop the subject, so Jane goes back to talking about how she now feels how she has lost all dignity, especially with regards to Jake. Because behind all the "let's get married and have babies!" talk is the most "mortifying" admission of all: "I actually MEANT it". She wishes she could just get Jake to shoot her, but that she can't bring herself to speak to him. Dirk notes that's a shame, because they're supposed to get busy dying down there. But even says he can't bring himself to stab Roxy.
Speaking of whom, she fields a question from Jake: "Am i am asshole?" "no j". He thinks he might be, though. He now realizes how obvilivous he was, especially with regard to Jane. He says he wants to apologize but that she probably doesn't want to talk to him, so he asks Roxy to relay the message instead. "If i was brave i could face that feeling and just talk to her and try to make us square. But i dont think i really am brave. Im not bravke and i dont think i love adventure either." Jake realizes that for all those years he told himself these things and that he believed those things, but he realizes that he forgot to "MAKE them true".
Dirk realizes that him and Jane probably should've talked about the whole Jake thing a long time ago. Dirk says he never really took her feelings into account, perhaps because deep inside he thought that she had a "natural advantage" over him, by virtue of being "not a dude". Jane says she figured he had an advantage since he's more of a man of action. Dirk says that's great until you're actually in the relationship, as despite what he said earlier, it resulted in him being kind of "overbearing". He says he should probably apologize to him, but "given how I just called him an asshole while wearing orange suspenders, I'm probably the last person he wants to hear from right now". Jane realizes that they both were working to jeopardize their friendship with each other for the sake of "one spectacularly goofy kid". They agree that they have "overrated the allure of Jake English". Jane wonders if she'll "ever be able to look at him again without feeling miserable" about herself. Neither can tell if they're over him. Dirk wonders if they just don't know enough people, since Jake was "the only viable romantic target" for the two of them. Jane suggests that maybe, in the end, they're all destined to just be friends. "In the interest of appeasing the bitterness gods, let's go with the latter."
Roxy messages Jane, asking if she's "offed urself yet". Jane says no. Roxy asks her to stay that way, because she needs some help dealing with her "back stage pass 2 the jake english self loathing tour". Jane asks what he's saying. Roxy says he wants her to relay an apology. Jane says she really wants to avoid the whole "'tell him I said' sequence of apologizes through text messages" thing. ("thats a sane answer") Jane tells her to tell him they'll talk about it after they're dead and asks how Roxy is doing. "not a lot of progress on the dyin front". They each come to the conclusion that that maybe their "candy-addled selves" failed to think through the entirety of the plan. They also both agree to be bummed about Fefetasprite exploding. Roxy wonders if she has some curse related to cats, catgirls, or maybe half cat girl alien ghosts. They agree to havea funeral after they go godtier, with Roxy saying that she's "always wanted to go to a funeral", maybe because she regrets not doing one for Frigglish.
2014: No update.
January 30
2010: 10 pages. "A SCURRILOUS STRAGGLER eyes impromptu desert skirmish." The figure has a spade on his tattered robes. He doesn't think much of "ill-mannered rogues" that just appeared out of nowhere, but he does approve of the "plain and serviceable HAT worn by one of the combatants". Spades whacks Crowbar in the head with his cast iron horse hitcher, but doesn't kill him because he needs to be able to return "to the original timeline". He does pocket Crowbar's eponymous crowbar, though. He then stuffs Crowbar into his war chest. He then gives Sawbit "a bit of the old BAIT AND SWITCHBLADE", jumping them to the post-gunfight future. Since Spades "killed/kidnapped everyone who was supposed to involved", it didn't take place but Hearts Boxcars is there anyway. He then tosses Sawbuck in Hearts's wrathtub, figuring that if he takes the lummox back to his "own time and kill him there, that might save [him] the trouble of hunting him down". He throws Stitch in for good measure. He then puts the wrathtub into his own deck of cards, but gives Hearts back his copy of Red Cheeks. Spades, of course, would never just leave his smut laying around. (And besides, "that copy of TERRIER FANCY MAGAIZINE could belong to ANYBODY. No one could prove nothin'.") He puts Crowbar's pin back in and returns to his original timeline. Of course, theres a bit of confusion, as he has a live Crowbar from a different timeline and maybe there's two Sawbucks running around. He lets them out. Crowbar is ready to take aim at Spades. Spades deflects the bullets using his cast iron horse hitcher, which predictably are captured by the "awesome gravitational pull of Sawbuck's astonishing girth." Spades dodges the next round, which hits the "real" Sawbuck and sends them off into a random point in time. Spades realizes that's probably how all the clocks in the room were destroyed. Eventually. ("20/107 CLOCKS REDESTROYED.")
2011: 14 pages. In a "puffy oracle" above the Battlefield, a pair of lips interlock. John, of course, has no idea what in the heck he's looking at ("Two squirming cephalopods locked in a mating ritual?"). Anyway, John has met up with a certainly WIZARDLY VASSAL, aka, WV wearing John's bedsheets. They have just come upon a WALLET laying on the ground. John begins to examine its contents, but first up is a note. It is from his Dad, who asks him to use the wallet "WITH RESPONSIBILITY AND INTEGRITY." John tries to wrap his head around how his Dad knew he'd find the wallet there. The next item is exactly ONE TON OF SHAVING CREAM. WV? finds the patters on the "little carapaced cylinders" "impossibly attractive". HE begins spraying the Barbasol everywhere. The narration reminds him that shaving cream is extremely flammable. He begins scarfing it down anyway, even after realizing (with an obligatory "BLUH") that it doesn't taste very good. John flips the wallet over and sees that there's an EJECT button (as well as a "POLISH" button), so he just speeds things up and presses that. It is a whole cache of "fatherly loot". It contains no less than:
a PILE OF PIPES, a PILE OF RAZOR BLADES, a SPARE CAR, SHOES, HATS, TIES, copies of THE SERIOUS JESTER, TICKET STUBS TO CIRQUE DU SOLEIL, a BRIEFCASE with FATHERLY DOCUMENTS, PHOTOS, a CROSBYTOP, TEN TONS OF PIPE TOBACCO, and a LIGHTER
. The photos are mostly of John as a young kid (as seen in [ S] ACT 5 ACT 2) along with some recipes, but there are some of comedians as well. Harry Anderson and Bill Cosby make sense, but John figures his Dad mostly liked Jeff Foxworthy due to his mustache. John is excited to find a computer, even though doesn't really know who Bing Crosby is and thinks he's kind boring. The fact that his Dad got the laptop at the DADLY DEPOT doesn't help.
2012: 5 pages. Roxy enters the other window in the observatory, which should take her to the lab. She enters. It's a long way to the other side, and while in transit through the void she encounters… herself. Her dreamself, to be specific. She's not quite sure what to do. Just before she reaches the other side, a WILD CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN APPEARS. We suppose it is time to be Dirk. We crack some jokes involving "bulbous cleft"s and whatnot, but Dirk is ready to do his own thing. So he grabs his sword, an UNBREAKABLE KATANA. He tells people that it was "forged by an ancient OTAKU MASTER over the heat of a roaring manga fire" and some stuff about springs and virgin horses. The point is only Dirk is cool enough to wield it. BLADEKIND is not the only allocation in his strife portfolio, though. He also is a master of PUPPETKIND, which he takes pride in for being able to "beat practically anyone's ass down with a puppet". He also has FANCYSANTAKIND, which is a "straightup shits and giggles specibus". Even he hasn't figured how to damage anything with it, but he probably could if he wanted to.
2013: No update.
2014: No update.
January 31
2010: No update.
2011: 9 pages. John puts all the stuff back into the walley, when he is suddenly interrupted by a "BEEP". Sure enough, it is WV? driving his Dad's car. John hops in and buckles up (after all, "safety is the most important thing"). WV? follows suit, but assumes the seat belt is some sort of fashion accessory. WV? then attempts to reach the pedals, but he cannot, and John also points out that he lacks the key. John just goes ahead and does the windy thing, and sure enough, "WE HAVE. LIFDOFF." In a distant cloud, we see Gamzee's eye from a little while ago.
2012: 13 pages. We tell Dirk to give Lil' Cal "a nervous fist bump". He obliges but sees no reason to be nervous, as LC is basically Dirk's best friend, and "a much better guardian" than "that Hollywood superstar BRO" ever was. We ask Dirk to regard a nearby fancy Santa, and he does, but even Dirk wonders why he has it around. Also around is one of Dirk's robotic rap-off opponents, SQUAREWAVE. Dirk cane easily beat Squarewave, unlike SAWTOOTH, who Dirk has never beaten. Dirk doesn't even know where Sawtooth is at the moment. Dirk then examines is WARDROBIFIER. It is currently set to a t-shirt with a picture of a hat on it. The next is a tank top/wifebeater, which also has a hat on it, but it is black. Dirk thinks it's a very "STRONG" look. It also shows off Dirk's Sweet Bro tattoo on his upper arm (complete with JPEG artifacts). Dirk also has a few posters about. One is of Ben Stiller, who apparently had the mistfortune to "get all tangled up" with his Bro's "crazy, complicated life". The other is a My Little Pony, which Dirk tries to pass off as a purely academic interest in pop culture "of all eras", but he doesn't do it well. At the foot of his bed is a pile of hats, robot parts, and SMUPPETS. Dirk reflects that if not for how fucked up his world is, he'd totally "make a run at fame and fortune" with his own puppetry skills. Also, he loves hats and all, but he apparently never wears them, because they'd ruin his "perfect hair". We then talk about the images on his TV a bit, focusing onthe legendary duo of Stiller and Wilson. Apparently his Bro's movies, over years, eventually became extremely thinly veiled "protest pieces designed to expose the corporate tyranny" of the Batterwitch. Apparently "the press" regarded the wholething as an "extremely high stakes display of performance art", which probably at least partially true. The frame then changes over to Donald Glover, who gave a "transcendental performance as Geromy", which wound up getting him assassinated by the Batterwitch. Next one is a dude wearing a bunny mask, thong, and white paint. Dirk doesn't elaborate on the swole bunny man, as Dirk switches back to his normal t-shirt (whcih apparently means business). Lastly, we examine Dirk's SENDIFICATOR, which is the only piece of Crockertech he uses. It's pretty handy, but the only catch is it can only send things that fit inside it. So when he sent Jake his brobot, he had to send it piece by piece. Of course, after all that effort the machine pretty much just hunts Jake all day, but Dirk has sworn to turn him to a "ruthless killing machine".
Posts
This is the evil I don't know, so I just look away and shuffle to the tabletop tables
Didn't they just spit into a bucket?
http://www.audioentropy.com/
his own fault, really
Paradox Space presents Steward of Void
Part 1
January 25
2010: 7 pages. Elsewhere, we learn that Hearts Boxcars really hates time travel, as he is swarmed by copies of Eggs and Biscuits. Above the fray, however, is CLOVER, giggling at HB's entrapment in a series of "stable and not so stable time loops". ("Mostly unstable" as Eggs and Biscuits are "too dumb to maintain even elementary looping stability".) Clover would love nothing more than to ask HB, or anyone else, a few clever TIME RIDDLES. Answer enough and he might even grant one access to the vault. And if you just asked, Clover would say that CROWBAR could "pry anything out of a time loop, stable or otherwise". Well, if HB weren't stuck and Crowbar weren't dead, that is. Over in his shop, STITCH laments the growing tears in the fabric of spacetime and thus on LORD ENGLISH'S CAIRO OVERCOAT. This coat, which is green but with revolving multi-colored bands on its lapels, is actually his BACKUP COAT. The narration tells us that in addition to an in-house doctor, any gang that deals in time travel "better have a damn good tailor too". HB radios Spades for backup. Spades says he'll get in touch with Droog first. Spades is informed of the situation with Droog, Clubs, and Fin, and says that he'll be right down there after they take care of Stitch. In the past, Fin finally reaches Stitch's workshop, which we can also see has an effigy for each member for the felt. (The dead members have blackened effigies with their corresponding injuries.) Fin says something about CD and a bomb, and Stitch sees that Fin's effigy is full of holes. "But he should be just fine if it can be patched up before he bleeds to..." Spades sticks Fin's pin in the voodoo doll. Fin finally succumbs to his wounds. ("8/15 GREEN TORSOS DEAD.")
2011: 1 page. Karkat opens up a new memo, and claims it will be his last, mostly because he thinks he "MIGHT BE DEAD SOON". He says this mostly because the "BARD OF RAGE IS ON THE LOOSE" and reminds everyone what Gamzee "DID TO THE BLACK KING". Karkat is pretty much scared out of his wits, a situation not helped as Feferi's corpse causes a horn from the pile to honk. Just as he tries to get out of there, Gamzee (from "420 HOURS AGO") responds to the memo. Past Gamzee asks "nOw wHaT ThE MoThEr fUcK WiLl i bE SuPpOsEd tO Do?" but Karkat says "THIS PRACTICALLY DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU" and bans him from the memo. Karkat wonders if he should try to revive his comrades, despite the destruction of Propsit and Derse, and also him possibly being too scared to go near the horn pile (lest Gamzee has actually "BEEN IN THERE THE WHOLE TIME"). About then Feferi from 380 hours in the past responds, asking what he means and if Karkat is actually being serious because all of his "memos )(ave been so outrageous". Karkat apologizes to her and bans her from the memo. One last thing: oh yeah, Eridan "HAD A COMPLETE MELTDOWN" and is "KILLING PEOPLE WITH HIS MAGIC WAND". Karkat says Eridan "BETTER PRAY TO ALL HIS MURDERED ANGELS" he doesn't run into Karkat. Eridan from 311 hours ago responds and says "a magic wwand is that so" "kar come on noww evveryone fuckin KNOWWS this memos rubbish".
2012: 11 pages. We finally get caught up to where we last left Jane, except now we get to see what happened on Roxy's end. She readers her appearifier gun. Right then, GCat teleports him. Jaspers Frigglish doesn't much car for the intruder and pounces at him. Roxy doesn't notice or see him, and she appearfies the book right over where GCat was and where Frigglish is about to be. The book plummets on to him, thus confirming a long-held belief. Roxy is almost as crushed as her cat, and curses "that julep guzzling bastard" as he scrambles up his echeladder. Roxy debates what to do with Frigglish. We learn that she got him by messing with a machine in the lab, and based on the "timestamp and coordinates" she thinks he belonged to her Mom. Over the years, she has stockpiled enough uranium to run the machine just one more time, so she decides to send him back to the original coordinates. She captchalogues him, but her sylladex is full, so time to "break in a new FENESTRATED PLANE".
2013: 7 pages, 2 flashes: [ S] WHEEEEEEEEEEE! and [ S] HA HA HA! HE HE HE! HO HO HO!. They also make a SAWHOO and ZILLWAVE for good measure. "Some day you'll look back on this decision and say thank god I did that." The narration tells us making a ZILLY SANTA may not be a good idea, but we do anyway. Okay, so maybe only one. "OH FUCK YOU MAKE A BUNCH OF ZILLY SANTAS."
[ S] WHEEEEEEEEEEE!
Audio: uncredited Christmas-y noise and Mario Paint effects
The kids enjoy their pile of zilly Santas as the narration tries to get them to move along. "HELLO??? fuckin teens."
[ S] HA HA HA! HE HE HE! HO HO HO!
Audio: more uncredited noises, and cherub laughter
We do an infinite zoom in a technicolor zilly Santa's nose. The narration declares that we're done here.
2014: No update.
2010: 4 pages. CD bursts into workshop with a "hat full of bomb, a fist full of penis, and a head full of empty". Stitch tells CD to put the bull penis cane down and that "C4 is a stable explosive that won't detonate with gunfire". DD sneaks up behind him, though, and tells Stitch: "Don't bleed on the suits". He cracks Stitch on the skull with the butt of his rifle and stuffs him into the brawlsoeum. DD has the self-awareness to admit that "carrying an imprisoned tailor" around is "gratifying for personal reasons", but he also figures he may useful in dealing with Lord English later.
2011: 9 pages. "Adios, sweet Toreadoormat." Karkat continues the memo, and tells Eridan, who is currently on his planet wearing, that their "'PACT'" is over and that he is dead to him. Karkat goes on yelling at him for a bit, but of course Eridan takes it as a black solicitation. Karkat explains that, no, "I REALLY DO WANT YOU TO DIE". Eridan remains himself: "obvviously i kneww you wwerent serious" and asks if Karkat's going to drop by his planet soon. Karkat points out that he's a) "300 FUCKING HOURS IN THE FUTURE" and b) "WHAT THE FUCK". Eridan continues to think Karkat is either actually flirting with him or play flirting, making him more and more frustrated ("MY FUCKING GOD MAN"). Eridan keeps trying to get Karkat to send his past self to visit, claiming he isn't doing anything, but Karkat protests that he's killing angels again and tells Eridan that it wouldn't work between them because he is "A STONE COLD RETARDED FUCKING IDIOT. NOT TO MENTION COWARDLY BACKSTABBING MURDERER." Eridan says "im gettin some seriously mixed signals here". "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO THEM" "wwhat to wwho" "TO" "FUCK" "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HER." Eridan is still confused, and Karkat is so confused, angry, and upset that he can't even type Kanaya's name. After saying that "NEXT TIME I SEE THAT SHITTY COLOR YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT'LL BE COMING OUT OF YOUR BODY" and no, "THAT WAS NOT INNUENDO" and finally bans him. Which is when Gamzee from 42 minutes in the future responds: "honk." Karkat points out that Gamzee has cracked, which Gamzee refutes "i'm as chill as all what's can be." "NO CAUSE FOR ALARM". Karkat continues freaking out, as Gamzee says "i'm your future, best friend. "I KNOW WHERE YOU MOTHERFUCKING ARE." That does not help. "GUESS MOTHERFUCKIN WHAT." "NO I DON'T WANT TO" Gamzee says he'll be "meeting up with some friends" and "GET PRETTY MOTHERFUCKING FRIENDLY AT THEM" and wonders if Karkat can get there "in time and make me get my reconsider on?" A handful of "OH FUCK"s later Karkat flees. Elsewhere, Terezi turns to make an UPSETTING DISCOVERY. Terezi tries to cry, but she's already cried out from "stupid lousy doomed Dave" and her "stupid lousy complicity in his death". Anyway, time to get some justice on. The stench is apparently pretty bad, but "a true legislacerator must be steeled to the revolting" and swears that "someone is going to pay". Apparently on Alternia, "a legislacerator will always have a chief suspect in mind" but still "it is only prudent to stay open to the possilibity of other culprits". She (correctly) has Vriska in mind, a theory supported by the traces of special stardust in the air. But she also smells "bright trail of white light", which "smells... hopeful". She also hears what may be faint "HONK"s in the distance, which grow louder. Terezi chalks it up be Gamzee's "unmistakable charades". She figures he "has no idea of the sort of danger he is in, with one or more murderers on the loose". Back to work, though. She deploys her scalemates top investigators: Professor Pucefoot, Inspector Berrybreath, and Doctor Honeytongue.
2012: 8 pages. Roxy gets another dead cat out of her sylladex and breaks the bottle. It is a friendly looking mutant kitten, though presumably dead. Roxy plugs in a nearby fenestrated plane in and throws the dead feline right through (presumably the same scene we saw at the beginning of the act). Her "test pilot" flew right back out, meaning "the link between planes is working and stable". With a deft YOUTH ROLL, she jumps right in to see where it goes. The narration explains that for an outside observer, the travel time appears to be instantaneous, but "for the traveler, there's always this gap of void between them". We see that ths gap for these planes is not large, meaning that it probably leads somewhere else in her house. Roxy still isn't "sure what happens if one of the planes loses power while in transit", other than objects "getting sliced in half if they're straddling the plane when the plug pulled". The other end int his instance is the OBSERVATORY, which not only houses a telescope but also what appears to be a cache of PUMPKINS.
2013: 2 pages. Caliborn lambastes the narrator for going back in the acts. The narrator says all the trickster stuff still happened regardless. Caliborn doesn't care and demands to "SEE MORE CANDY ANTICS". The narrator says no and that he also didn't say Caliborn could send the code for his juju. The narrator says no, because aside from the weird drug parallels and quadruple marriage proposals you just can't "give the heroes some cheap game breaking candy and let them blast through the whole adventure and all their personal issues". Caliborn starts knocking the website with the crowbar again and petulantly demands the story go back. The narrator reflects that he probably should've killed Gamzee, but "fuckin clowns tho..." Caliborn says that he the narrator is the most "INCOMPETENT ASSHOLE AT" moving through acts. The unceasing pounding probably isn't doing much for Jane's headache. The narrator relents.
2014: No update.
2010: 4 pages. We tell Hearts Boxcars to "prod idiots with Red Cheeks", which turns out to be a monumentally bad idea. Meanwhile, Slick removes Crowbar's pin from the voodoo doll. He disappears. He's now in the midst of a gunfight with Crowbar, Stitch, and a member of the Felt we haven't met yet, presumably SAWBUCK. Spades is reminded that "this gang almost seems halfway competent when [Crowbar]'s running the show". We tell Spades to "insert and quickly remove Snowman's pin." He holds up a solid black pin and says it's "kinda tempting" but even he's "not that crazy".
2011: 14 pages. Terezi uses Prof. Pucefoot to draw a "pointless chalk outline". She then uses Inspector Berrybreath's "ample plush rump" to dust for prints. She dusts his arm and face, finding nothing. Surely we are dealing with a master criminal here. Tavros's lance, however, is covered with prints. Her "keen tongue" tells her that most of the prints belong to Tavros, but "several are unidentified". (She has to pretend "there is any chance they are not Vriska's, because otherwise it would be no fun.") She tossed the blood soaked inspector off the platform. She consults Doctor Honeytongue with a medical report. He recommends a full autopsy. She "BOOF"s him off the platform, because "there could still be hope for the victim's resurrection!" She admits that "the odds that his dream self survived are quite slim", but she's got to try anyway, "even if it means braving that awful stench. And hey, "what are friends for if they can't smooch each other's butchered corpses when the need arises?" She takes off her glasses and removes the lance from his torso. She pinches Tavros's lips to pucker them up. Braving the stench she goes in. At the same time, Karkat does the same for Kanaya, thus they break out a "sweet" "2x CORPSESMOOCH COMBO!!!"
2012: No update.
2013: No update.
2014: No update.
2010: 3 pages, 1 flash: [ S][ I] ==>.
[ S][ I] ==>
Audio: "Three in the Morning" by Clark Powell
We see an 8 ball at the start, as it fades to reveal the gunfight SPADES SLICK just transported himself to that occurs in the past. Behind the crates on the left are MATCHSTICKS, STITCH, and SAWBUCK, while the entire complement of the MIDNIGHT CREW is on the right: DIAMONDS DROOG, HEARTS BOXCARDS, SPADES SLICK, and CLUBS DUECE. We cut to the stairwell behind the combatants. Teleporting isn't really the right word to describe how SNOWMAN appears in the stairwell. She descends down to the combatants, who have momentarily stopped shooting at each other. She's holding an old-style cigarette holder, currently also with a smoldering cigarette. She walks up to Slick. "Hold still, Slick." As he looks up at her, she says, "Something in your eye." She then sticks the cigarette holder in Slick's then-right eye and walks off. Slick now also has a cut across his right eye for his trouble.
2011: 8 pages. At the same time, Karkat does the same for Kanaya, thus they break out a "sweet" "2x CORPSESMOOCH COMBO!!!" The panel shows Kanaya's dreamself being consumed but the green fire on Propsit, and that Tavros was sliced half. Thus, "they cannot be revived." Meanwhile, Captain Hook stabs Rufio right in the chest. Hussie, in a Man-Skylark costume, watches in horror. AH begs Rufio not to leave him. He goes in for the revival. As their lips interlock, the narration confirms that "THIS. IS. STUPID."
2012: 3 pages. Roxy lands on one of the nearby gourds. Apparently she uses the observatory almost exclusively for storing pumpkins, which have been appearified from around the world. ("Especially from Jake.") It doesn't hurt that pumpkins "are the most easily appearifiable vegetable on the planet" and that she has her own "mysterious reasons" for taking them. Just then, she gets a message from UU. UU tells Roxy she is hard to find due to her powers are the Hero of Void, which are described as presiding "over the essence of lack, or nothingness." Roxy thinks this is kind of boring, but she then remembers that her Mom had footage of her that randomly blacked out and was a "notoirious scourge to the papayazzai". UU explains that it's not as straightforward as that, as the manifestation of their aspect also depends on their class. Specifically, whether they are active or passive. Roxy changes gears to talk about her recent dream, and describes to UU the person she saw as "well she looked kinda like me" "but in this orange getunp" "With a yellow sun on it". UU says that Roxy saw a "well known figUre of legend", "the seer of light". Roxy then asks if that was her daughter. UU figures that since Roxy figured it out here's no harm in confirming it, so Roxy naturally wants to know "who this lucky fella is". UU is slow to catch her drift, but when she does, she says that she'd love to but that she "mUst show restraint". Roxy tries guessing. Her first guess is "strider": "does he get ungay for a wile or ssuch". UU pretends to not know she's talking about. Roxy then realizes "or is it like" "some ectobio shit instead" "and a dude aint really involved". UU just says "maybe! :u" Roxy asks "whyd you have 2 go and confirm my bleak dudeless future". UU just says she can ask her daughter in person once she's in the game, and gets a little flustered with Roxy's questions. So Roxy steps back and review what she knows: that she will meet her daughter and her mother in this game, and also resurrect her mom from the dead. UU says that there is a mechanism for reviving the dead via kernelsprites but that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with her mom. Roxy thinks UU is dodging the question and she is, sort of, but she's just trying to be helpful. The next panel does not show UU but it does show grey/white hands typing on a keyboard in the Troll alphabet. Roxy decides to back off a bit and asks if UU can explain "what does it mean to be a rogue of void". UU is more than happy to oblige. She says "a rogUe is a passive class", and the opposite of a rogue is a thief. In essence, "active classes exploit their aspect to benefit themselves, while passive classes allow their aspect to benefit others". Roxy gets that part, she just isn't sure "how that works with void". UU says it is "conceptUally nebUloUs" and that void is "by definition inscrUtable to those it does not choose". She does say that a fully ascended Rogue of Void is capable of some "completely astonishing things", but does not say specifically what, not waiting to ruin the "sUrprise". Roxy then admits while this is great and all she did sort of spend the recent past telling her friends to not play the game, and that she's still not really sure if she wants to or not. The "props and cons" are basically either get "passive aggressive revange at the witch" or "sweet powers 4 me [..] tri generational lolonde family reunion". UU asks if she can "make the decision easier" but Roxy says she already has, she just needs to figure out a way to admit to her friends (especially "distri"). Roxy says she needs to go "deliver this dead cat back in time to maybe my mom" and UU says while that doesn't make a lot of sense she has to go as well.
2013: 13 pages, 1 flash: [ S] Caliborn + Gamzee: Engage. The narrator attempts to explain to Caliborn what as wrong about tryign to speed up the kids' personal growth with "insane psychotropic game powerups" and even points out that Calliope was wrong to give Jane the code for her juju. He explains that humans do need the personal growth that comes with solving their own problems, as they are a social species (unlike cherubs). He tries to use the invincibility star from Mario as an analogy, but Caliborn just gets bogged down in the details and then threatens to use the crowbar again. He demands to know how to get on with his own quest. The narrator says that maybe all the "limitless tedium and thankless busywork" was supposed to help his perosonal growth, but Caliborn points out that he was told he was incapable of growing. The narrator then suggests it might have been a "punishment for being such a horrible little shit" instead. Caliborn says yes, yes it has. But that will put up with proceeding in that manner as long as there is no more going "backwards". The narrator says he has already hold Caliborn how to move on: "See those two panes of glass over there? Take your crowbar and smash them." The catch is that "you and a buddy have to turn both keys simultaneously". The narrator says that even Caliborn has to learn a least a little about friendship and teamwork. Caliborn says he'll only do it to get the narrator to shut up. He breaks the glass panes on each side of the terminal, making the keyholes behind them accessible. He enlists Gamzee to take the key for the left side, and him the right. Notably, at least the fobs are from the same keys Gamzee coughed up earlier.
[ S] Caliborn + Gamzee: Engage
Audio: sound effects
The dynamic duo of Gamzee and Caliborn turn the locks at exactly the same time. Two monitors on Caliborn's tower are now split in two. On side between the the symbols for the heroes of Heart and Void, the other for the heroes of Hope and Life.
2014: No update.
Buttlers.
Part 2
January 29
2010: 5 pages. We tell Spades to remove the "knife" from his eye, but it's not a knife, it's Snowman's CIGARETTE HOLDER. He swears that "she's gonna have a hell of a time getting it back." Spades take the lance and chucks at Sawbuck. It doesn't do much damage to the "corpulent lummox", but it does cause Spades to "jump to a random point on the timeline". It appears to be when Stitch and Crowbar were "setting up the crates for the imminent gunfight". ("Which was very thoughtful of them.") Spades repays their generosity by killing this timeline's Stitch with his SABER RATTLE. Spades then busts out his DOUBLE EDGED SWORD and OCCAM'S RAZOR. He throws the razor/KING OF SPADES at Crowbar, but he uses his crowbar to deflect it into "Sawbuck's unmissable carriage". They jump "far into the past", back to the odd multicolored desert from earlier. A figure wearing somewhat familiar looking tattered shroudwear watches from afar.
2011: No update.
2012: No update.
2013: 6 pages. "sage advice from a veteran of substance abuse and its deleterious consequences" Jake messages Roxy and quickly picks up on the fact that she feels as awful as he currently does. Roxy points out that Jake seems pretty chippy for someone with a hangover though, but he assures her that he feels like "a brood of anxious vermin is making its most valiant effort escape from my skull" ("lol jake english w a hangover everyone"). He also figures out that maybe the skulltop wasn't such a good idea in this situation. They both figure that their respective partners are messaging each other as well. Dirk and Jake appease the irony gods by declaring this the "best FUCKING birthday ever".
Speaking of whom, she fields a question from Jake: "Am i am asshole?" "no j". He thinks he might be, though. He now realizes how obvilivous he was, especially with regard to Jane. He says he wants to apologize but that she probably doesn't want to talk to him, so he asks Roxy to relay the message instead. "If i was brave i could face that feeling and just talk to her and try to make us square. But i dont think i really am brave. Im not bravke and i dont think i love adventure either." Jake realizes that for all those years he told himself these things and that he believed those things, but he realizes that he forgot to "MAKE them true".
Dirk realizes that him and Jane probably should've talked about the whole Jake thing a long time ago. Dirk says he never really took her feelings into account, perhaps because deep inside he thought that she had a "natural advantage" over him, by virtue of being "not a dude". Jane says she figured he had an advantage since he's more of a man of action. Dirk says that's great until you're actually in the relationship, as despite what he said earlier, it resulted in him being kind of "overbearing". He says he should probably apologize to him, but "given how I just called him an asshole while wearing orange suspenders, I'm probably the last person he wants to hear from right now". Jane realizes that they both were working to jeopardize their friendship with each other for the sake of "one spectacularly goofy kid". They agree that they have "overrated the allure of Jake English". Jane wonders if she'll "ever be able to look at him again without feeling miserable" about herself. Neither can tell if they're over him. Dirk wonders if they just don't know enough people, since Jake was "the only viable romantic target" for the two of them. Jane suggests that maybe, in the end, they're all destined to just be friends. "In the interest of appeasing the bitterness gods, let's go with the latter."
Roxy messages Jane, asking if she's "offed urself yet". Jane says no. Roxy asks her to stay that way, because she needs some help dealing with her "back stage pass 2 the jake english self loathing tour". Jane asks what he's saying. Roxy says he wants her to relay an apology. Jane says she really wants to avoid the whole "'tell him I said' sequence of apologizes through text messages" thing. ("thats a sane answer") Jane tells her to tell him they'll talk about it after they're dead and asks how Roxy is doing. "not a lot of progress on the dyin front". They each come to the conclusion that that maybe their "candy-addled selves" failed to think through the entirety of the plan. They also both agree to be bummed about Fefetasprite exploding. Roxy wonders if she has some curse related to cats, catgirls, or maybe half cat girl alien ghosts. They agree to havea funeral after they go godtier, with Roxy saying that she's "always wanted to go to a funeral", maybe because she regrets not doing one for Frigglish.
2014: No update.
2010: 10 pages. "A SCURRILOUS STRAGGLER eyes impromptu desert skirmish." The figure has a spade on his tattered robes. He doesn't think much of "ill-mannered rogues" that just appeared out of nowhere, but he does approve of the "plain and serviceable HAT worn by one of the combatants". Spades whacks Crowbar in the head with his cast iron horse hitcher, but doesn't kill him because he needs to be able to return "to the original timeline". He does pocket Crowbar's eponymous crowbar, though. He then stuffs Crowbar into his war chest. He then gives Sawbit "a bit of the old BAIT AND SWITCHBLADE", jumping them to the post-gunfight future. Since Spades "killed/kidnapped everyone who was supposed to involved", it didn't take place but Hearts Boxcars is there anyway. He then tosses Sawbuck in Hearts's wrathtub, figuring that if he takes the lummox back to his "own time and kill him there, that might save [him] the trouble of hunting him down". He throws Stitch in for good measure. He then puts the wrathtub into his own deck of cards, but gives Hearts back his copy of Red Cheeks. Spades, of course, would never just leave his smut laying around. (And besides, "that copy of TERRIER FANCY MAGAIZINE could belong to ANYBODY. No one could prove nothin'.") He puts Crowbar's pin back in and returns to his original timeline. Of course, theres a bit of confusion, as he has a live Crowbar from a different timeline and maybe there's two Sawbucks running around. He lets them out. Crowbar is ready to take aim at Spades. Spades deflects the bullets using his cast iron horse hitcher, which predictably are captured by the "awesome gravitational pull of Sawbuck's astonishing girth." Spades dodges the next round, which hits the "real" Sawbuck and sends them off into a random point in time. Spades realizes that's probably how all the clocks in the room were destroyed. Eventually. ("20/107 CLOCKS REDESTROYED.")
2011: 14 pages. In a "puffy oracle" above the Battlefield, a pair of lips interlock. John, of course, has no idea what in the heck he's looking at ("Two squirming cephalopods locked in a mating ritual?"). Anyway, John has met up with a certainly WIZARDLY VASSAL, aka, WV wearing John's bedsheets. They have just come upon a WALLET laying on the ground. John begins to examine its contents, but first up is a note. It is from his Dad, who asks him to use the wallet "WITH RESPONSIBILITY AND INTEGRITY." John tries to wrap his head around how his Dad knew he'd find the wallet there. The next item is exactly ONE TON OF SHAVING CREAM. WV? finds the patters on the "little carapaced cylinders" "impossibly attractive". HE begins spraying the Barbasol everywhere. The narration reminds him that shaving cream is extremely flammable. He begins scarfing it down anyway, even after realizing (with an obligatory "BLUH") that it doesn't taste very good. John flips the wallet over and sees that there's an EJECT button (as well as a "POLISH" button), so he just speeds things up and presses that. It is a whole cache of "fatherly loot". It contains no less than:
2012: 5 pages. Roxy enters the other window in the observatory, which should take her to the lab. She enters. It's a long way to the other side, and while in transit through the void she encounters… herself. Her dreamself, to be specific. She's not quite sure what to do. Just before she reaches the other side, a WILD CHARACTER SELECT SCREEN APPEARS. We suppose it is time to be Dirk. We crack some jokes involving "bulbous cleft"s and whatnot, but Dirk is ready to do his own thing. So he grabs his sword, an UNBREAKABLE KATANA. He tells people that it was "forged by an ancient OTAKU MASTER over the heat of a roaring manga fire" and some stuff about springs and virgin horses. The point is only Dirk is cool enough to wield it. BLADEKIND is not the only allocation in his strife portfolio, though. He also is a master of PUPPETKIND, which he takes pride in for being able to "beat practically anyone's ass down with a puppet". He also has FANCYSANTAKIND, which is a "straightup shits and giggles specibus". Even he hasn't figured how to damage anything with it, but he probably could if he wanted to.
2013: No update.
2014: No update.
2010: No update.
2011: 9 pages. John puts all the stuff back into the walley, when he is suddenly interrupted by a "BEEP". Sure enough, it is WV? driving his Dad's car. John hops in and buckles up (after all, "safety is the most important thing"). WV? follows suit, but assumes the seat belt is some sort of fashion accessory. WV? then attempts to reach the pedals, but he cannot, and John also points out that he lacks the key. John just goes ahead and does the windy thing, and sure enough, "WE HAVE. LIFDOFF." In a distant cloud, we see Gamzee's eye from a little while ago.
2012: 13 pages. We tell Dirk to give Lil' Cal "a nervous fist bump". He obliges but sees no reason to be nervous, as LC is basically Dirk's best friend, and "a much better guardian" than "that Hollywood superstar BRO" ever was. We ask Dirk to regard a nearby fancy Santa, and he does, but even Dirk wonders why he has it around. Also around is one of Dirk's robotic rap-off opponents, SQUAREWAVE. Dirk cane easily beat Squarewave, unlike SAWTOOTH, who Dirk has never beaten. Dirk doesn't even know where Sawtooth is at the moment. Dirk then examines is WARDROBIFIER. It is currently set to a t-shirt with a picture of a hat on it. The next is a tank top/wifebeater, which also has a hat on it, but it is black. Dirk thinks it's a very "STRONG" look. It also shows off Dirk's Sweet Bro tattoo on his upper arm (complete with JPEG artifacts). Dirk also has a few posters about. One is of Ben Stiller, who apparently had the mistfortune to "get all tangled up" with his Bro's "crazy, complicated life". The other is a My Little Pony, which Dirk tries to pass off as a purely academic interest in pop culture "of all eras", but he doesn't do it well. At the foot of his bed is a pile of hats, robot parts, and SMUPPETS. Dirk reflects that if not for how fucked up his world is, he'd totally "make a run at fame and fortune" with his own puppetry skills. Also, he loves hats and all, but he apparently never wears them, because they'd ruin his "perfect hair". We then talk about the images on his TV a bit, focusing onthe legendary duo of Stiller and Wilson. Apparently his Bro's movies, over years, eventually became extremely thinly veiled "protest pieces designed to expose the corporate tyranny" of the Batterwitch. Apparently "the press" regarded the wholething as an "extremely high stakes display of performance art", which probably at least partially true. The frame then changes over to Donald Glover, who gave a "transcendental performance as Geromy", which wound up getting him assassinated by the Batterwitch. Next one is a dude wearing a bunny mask, thong, and white paint. Dirk doesn't elaborate on the swole bunny man, as Dirk switches back to his normal t-shirt (whcih apparently means business). Lastly, we examine Dirk's SENDIFICATOR, which is the only piece of Crockertech he uses. It's pretty handy, but the only catch is it can only send things that fit inside it. So when he sent Jake his brobot, he had to send it piece by piece. Of course, after all that effort the machine pretty much just hunts Jake all day, but Dirk has sworn to turn him to a "ruthless killing machine".
2013: No update.
2014: No update.
Paradox Space presents Star of the Ocean
Steam | Twitter
hi ross! I just got back from iceland
it was cold and pretty
Paradox Space presents the conclusion of Star of the Ocean
Happy Friday!
steam | Dokkan: 868846562
It's cute and charming!
Yeah, but I was hoping for The Young Aradiana Jones Chronicles.
oh shiiiiit
ooohhhhhhh shiiiiiiiiiit
4 pages.
Also like the doomed timeline spirtes like Karkatsprite and...Bikecyclopsprit