Thanks guys, I'm not usually public about these things which I think is part of the problem. If I had been more open and vocal earlier in the relationship maybe things would have been better.
She was very reasonable and understanding. It would have been so much easier if she hated me.
The relationship has been poisoned from the start due to her abusive and invasive behavior, nothing you did or could have/should have done could have/would have changed that.
As a man who managed to get out of an abusive relationship a few years ago, I've been lurking this thread. I haven't said anything because it would have just been repeating the same stuff everyone else was saying.
But I wanted to offer to lend an ear in PMs if you need it, because when I was going through the aftermath and recovery from that relationship the people here were a big help. You're not alone and you don't have to be.
And yeah, it would be easier if she hated you, but if she's anything like my ex (who wasn't a bad person, but was most assuredly toxic and controlling in many ways), she's not going to let this be easy for you. It's important that during this time you have a support structure so that you don't crumble and go back to an abusive situation for lack of any other options.
Friends and hobbies are going to be critical. Cultivate both during this time because the more time you allow yourself to dwell on the situation, the worse it will be.
Just want to echo everything in this here post and confirm my alliance with team op. My story is exactly the same with one difference that id happily explain in a PM.
To the op, the point that cannot be said enough is don't fall into that trapping of maintaining the status quo out of fear of change. Not being nice isn't the reason you feel the way you do in the relationship, as such being nice now is not the fix that is necessary to make it work at the level you want it to. If you aren't getting what you need to be happy, it isn't fair to anyone there.
So the last week was hard, but last night was finally good. I'm living with my folks for a while but found a way to get some privacy there so it's not so bad. My ex and I are keeping communication open for the sake of our son, and it's going really well. I have no desire to return and she knows that, and has accepted it after some anger.
The uncertainty of the future makes me nervous, but hopeful.
My rather simplistic $0.02 is to try not to forget, as others have already said, to focus on yourself as well: for example, ask yourself how do you want your life to look six months, one year down the road?
Hopefully that'll also give you insight into starting activities and those little self-development projects that will help keep life interesting, and shift your priorities towards making YOU happy, rather than your ex.
Your son will also see the changes in you, and that happiness and self-fulfilment will hopefully rub off on him too.
I'm in a bit of a panic, and almost don't know where to begin.
I've been married since 2008, and we've been together since 2002. We have a son, he's going to turn 2 this summer.
I'm no longer in love with my wife. I could probably list all the things I find bad about her or the relationship but if I'm being honest, she's a great girl and I still care for her. She's the mother of my son and she's a great mom. But I'm no longer happy. I've spent years trying to figure out what the problem is and how to fix it, or at least get it better. And I'm out of ideas and frankly out of a desire to put any more effort into fixing things.
I think it boils down to us getting together too early, and me never really living a life apart to find out what I really wanted. So this post is part cathartic and part looking for advice. I've decided I'm going to give things a few months, maybe this is just a mid-life crisis and in 3 weeks I'll look back and feel stupid for thinking about this. Having said that, I feel things are coming to a head, as I'm no longer able to really 'fake it' and it's becoming obvious to her that I'm mentally somewhat checked out. We're going to have the talk eventually and I just know that I'm going to do whatever to appease her and avoid the messy confrontation.
I guess my question is, how do I end this, or should I just devote myself to making the best out of this situation? I kind of feel like separation is inevitable, we've been having the same fight for the last 8 years or so and each time it's a little worse. Is it better to move on now while we still have some hope of working together for the best interests of our son?
Another thing that makes it so hard is I know she'll fight tooth and nail to keep me around. I tried ending it once before, about a year before we got married but during the big long fight/conversation I caved and then things were ok again for a while. I think it would be easier if I knew she hated or disliked me or something. But she doesn't. She's also sacrificed a lot for us to get where we are. So really part of why I haven't done anything yet is guilt. But surely guilt's not a good reason to stay in a relationship right?
I also am afraid of the logistics, telling friends and family, and where do I go what about money and our son's daycare/preschool, etc.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?
I have DEFINITELY been in your shoes. I was married for 8 years when I finally got the courage up to leave my ex-husband. He wasn't a bad person, not at all. He was very kind hearted, loving, generous. But I just didn't love him. I thought I did. I deluded myself for years into believing that I did. I stayed with him for the last 3 years of our marriage out of guilt. The first 5 weren't horrible, but it certainly wasn't what I expected. I know a lot of people probably have a problem with my saying that, but it's the truth. I had an immense amount of guilt for even thinking about divorcing him. But this is what I learned: Once you believe in your heart a marriage is over, it's doomed. Because you will be thinking of reasons to leave, constantly. You won't be thinking of reasons to stay. Then the reasons get out of hand and you will over analyze and nitpick at everything. I got so irritated in the end with my ex-husband, I couldn't even stand it if he uttered a word. And it wasn't because he didn't something wrong, because he didn't. Essentially what you're doing right now is leaving her oblivious to YOUR reality, and that's not fair. Don't make her waste time on being with you IF you really want to divorce her. It's really hard to have a conscious during times like this, because on one hand you don't want to hurt her and on the other, you simply cannot take it anymore. But the pain will subside. She will move on, you will move on. Eventually. Whatever you do, you make damn sure that you let HER know that you will always be there in your child's life. And don't give her the, "I still want to be friends.", line. Because she's not going to want to hear that. In all likelihood, she's going to want to rip your head off. She's going to cry....a lot. But if you believe in your heart that you simply cannot be married anymore, don't give in to her crying and say nevermind, we'll work it out unless YOU want to save your marriage. I did that as well. Hell I even went to counseling. And I agree with one of the other posters, the whole 'stay together for a child', is just crap. My parents divorced when I was a kid and if they didn't I'd probably grown up in a really messed up household. My parents just didn't belong together, and that was okay. They were both a blast to be around once they'd divorced; while they were together (towards the end of their marriage) there was just constant bickering and they were married for 10 years. As for money, I also know what you mean. I left my ex-husband our house, car, furniture, everything and I didn't have a career at the time. I just worked paycheck to paycheck. It'll take time for you to get back on your feet, but you will be able to do it. Just remember your capable of doing things. It's been 6 years since it happened to me, but I can tell you I'm 1000% happier now than I was then.
Above all remember this, you CANNOT live to make someone else happy or you'll lead a miserable life. I wish you the best of luck. I definitely sympathize with you having gone through it myself. You have to make YOU happy before you can make anyone else happy.
Posts
The relationship has been poisoned from the start due to her abusive and invasive behavior, nothing you did or could have/should have done could have/would have changed that.
This is not your fault.
Just want to echo everything in this here post and confirm my alliance with team op. My story is exactly the same with one difference that id happily explain in a PM.
To the op, the point that cannot be said enough is don't fall into that trapping of maintaining the status quo out of fear of change. Not being nice isn't the reason you feel the way you do in the relationship, as such being nice now is not the fix that is necessary to make it work at the level you want it to. If you aren't getting what you need to be happy, it isn't fair to anyone there.
The uncertainty of the future makes me nervous, but hopeful.
My rather simplistic $0.02 is to try not to forget, as others have already said, to focus on yourself as well: for example, ask yourself how do you want your life to look six months, one year down the road?
Hopefully that'll also give you insight into starting activities and those little self-development projects that will help keep life interesting, and shift your priorities towards making YOU happy, rather than your ex.
Your son will also see the changes in you, and that happiness and self-fulfilment will hopefully rub off on him too.
DO EET!
try not to sleep with anyone until papers have been filed
I have DEFINITELY been in your shoes. I was married for 8 years when I finally got the courage up to leave my ex-husband. He wasn't a bad person, not at all. He was very kind hearted, loving, generous. But I just didn't love him. I thought I did. I deluded myself for years into believing that I did. I stayed with him for the last 3 years of our marriage out of guilt. The first 5 weren't horrible, but it certainly wasn't what I expected. I know a lot of people probably have a problem with my saying that, but it's the truth. I had an immense amount of guilt for even thinking about divorcing him. But this is what I learned: Once you believe in your heart a marriage is over, it's doomed. Because you will be thinking of reasons to leave, constantly. You won't be thinking of reasons to stay. Then the reasons get out of hand and you will over analyze and nitpick at everything. I got so irritated in the end with my ex-husband, I couldn't even stand it if he uttered a word. And it wasn't because he didn't something wrong, because he didn't. Essentially what you're doing right now is leaving her oblivious to YOUR reality, and that's not fair. Don't make her waste time on being with you IF you really want to divorce her. It's really hard to have a conscious during times like this, because on one hand you don't want to hurt her and on the other, you simply cannot take it anymore. But the pain will subside. She will move on, you will move on. Eventually. Whatever you do, you make damn sure that you let HER know that you will always be there in your child's life. And don't give her the, "I still want to be friends.", line. Because she's not going to want to hear that. In all likelihood, she's going to want to rip your head off. She's going to cry....a lot. But if you believe in your heart that you simply cannot be married anymore, don't give in to her crying and say nevermind, we'll work it out unless YOU want to save your marriage. I did that as well. Hell I even went to counseling. And I agree with one of the other posters, the whole 'stay together for a child', is just crap. My parents divorced when I was a kid and if they didn't I'd probably grown up in a really messed up household. My parents just didn't belong together, and that was okay. They were both a blast to be around once they'd divorced; while they were together (towards the end of their marriage) there was just constant bickering and they were married for 10 years. As for money, I also know what you mean. I left my ex-husband our house, car, furniture, everything and I didn't have a career at the time. I just worked paycheck to paycheck. It'll take time for you to get back on your feet, but you will be able to do it. Just remember your capable of doing things. It's been 6 years since it happened to me, but I can tell you I'm 1000% happier now than I was then.
Above all remember this, you CANNOT live to make someone else happy or you'll lead a miserable life. I wish you the best of luck. I definitely sympathize with you having gone through it myself. You have to make YOU happy before you can make anyone else happy.