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OMG Drama!
ege02
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This will be super-long, so grab your coffee and sit back and relax or whatever...
--
I have this friend, we'll call him Jack. Jack and I are good buddies.
Jack broke up with his girlfriend of 3+ years several months ago. It was a serious relationship. Like, he was going to propose to her and stuff. And then they broke up (she dumped him and started seeing another guy). Jack was devastated, and at the same time furious. He did a bunch of idiotic things. Called her names. Harassed her over the phone, went to her office and caused a scene, etc. And he got very close to having an emotional breakdown. Me and a few other people tried to stop him, and support him through his difficult times (although we made it clear we don't condone his stupidity towards his ex).
After a few months it seemed like he was over her. He started dating other girls. And this is where it gets interesting.
He was "dating" multiple girls at the same time. And I put that in quotes because when I say dating, I mean "leading them on" (he's the kind of guy girls run after, and he takes full advantage of it). So he would flirt with them, make out with them, quite possibly have sex with them, but never commit because he would say he still wasn't over his ex. Basically I saw this as him keeping his options open in case he couldn't get back together with his ex (I later found out he was still chasing her).
I personally never really thought much about this, or tried to find out more because it's his personal life and I have no business with it.
--
So last night, Jennifer, one of the girls he was "dating" (and I met through him) posted a public Facebook note (i.e. blog) along the lines of "ladies, stay away from Jack, he lies, cheats, leads girls on, he's shady, and when it comes to dating he's bad news" etc. etc.
And then these other girls, whom Jack has dated in the past, comment on the note, saying stuff like "wow i never had the guts to say it but he IS an asshole "omg you're so right", "you don't know me but I was one of the first", "yes he seems nice on the outside but in reality he's just a prick" etc. basically the whole thing turned into a giant PR campaign against Jack.
In my opinion he got what he deserved. I mean, you reap what you sow, right?
Anyway, basically I would stay out of this.
But...
--
A few days ago I was having lunch with one of our mutual female friends, we'll call her Tracy. I have known that Jack was also pursuing Tracy, but I don't know what extent their little thing went (again, none of my business). Anyway, I'm good friends with Tracy (there is nothing romantic between us). She lets me know that Jack has been talking shit behind my back. I told her I never understand why people talk behind my back like that, I don't do anything to deserve it and she agrees. We decide Jack is just being immature and that is that.
But deep down inside I was furious.
For one thing, friends don't talk shit behind each others' backs, and for another, they don't talk shit about each other to women.
And I know why he did it; he is jealous of me and Tracy, even though we're just friends. So he's trying to dig a hole under me, to undermine my reputation.
In any case, I've had enough of him. I'm planning on confronting him, and I am planning on doing everything EXCEPT getting physical.
--
So I have several questions.
First, Tracy doesn't know Jennifer, so she has no way of finding out about and reading Jennifer's note concerning Jack. I believe that as a friend of Tracy's, I have a responsibility to let her know. Should I link Jennifer's note to Tracy? Should I do it anonymously?
Second, I am friends with Jennifer as well, and I agree with her 100%. Jack was being a tremendous tool and he has gone down several notches in my book. Should I let her know that (privately), and apologize on behalf of Jack because Jack is a close friend of mine?
Third, because Jack was a tool and he basically shot me in the back, I feel like I need to exploit this situation and spread the damage done to Jack's reputation as much as I can. On the logical level I realize that the reason I feel this way is because of spite, and I shouldn't do it. But the temptation is so strong!
I need advice H/A!
--
I have this friend, we'll call him Jack. Jack and I are good buddies.
Jack broke up with his girlfriend of 3+ years several months ago. It was a serious relationship. Like, he was going to propose to her and stuff. And then they broke up (she dumped him and started seeing another guy). Jack was devastated, and at the same time furious. He did a bunch of idiotic things. Called her names. Harassed her over the phone, went to her office and caused a scene, etc. And he got very close to having an emotional breakdown. Me and a few other people tried to stop him, and support him through his difficult times (although we made it clear we don't condone his stupidity towards his ex).
After a few months it seemed like he was over her. He started dating other girls. And this is where it gets interesting.
He was "dating" multiple girls at the same time. And I put that in quotes because when I say dating, I mean "leading them on" (he's the kind of guy girls run after, and he takes full advantage of it). So he would flirt with them, make out with them, quite possibly have sex with them, but never commit because he would say he still wasn't over his ex. Basically I saw this as him keeping his options open in case he couldn't get back together with his ex (I later found out he was still chasing her).
I personally never really thought much about this, or tried to find out more because it's his personal life and I have no business with it.
--
So last night, Jennifer, one of the girls he was "dating" (and I met through him) posted a public Facebook note (i.e. blog) along the lines of "ladies, stay away from Jack, he lies, cheats, leads girls on, he's shady, and when it comes to dating he's bad news" etc. etc.
And then these other girls, whom Jack has dated in the past, comment on the note, saying stuff like "wow i never had the guts to say it but he IS an asshole "omg you're so right", "you don't know me but I was one of the first", "yes he seems nice on the outside but in reality he's just a prick" etc. basically the whole thing turned into a giant PR campaign against Jack.
In my opinion he got what he deserved. I mean, you reap what you sow, right?
Anyway, basically I would stay out of this.
But...
--
A few days ago I was having lunch with one of our mutual female friends, we'll call her Tracy. I have known that Jack was also pursuing Tracy, but I don't know what extent their little thing went (again, none of my business). Anyway, I'm good friends with Tracy (there is nothing romantic between us). She lets me know that Jack has been talking shit behind my back. I told her I never understand why people talk behind my back like that, I don't do anything to deserve it and she agrees. We decide Jack is just being immature and that is that.
But deep down inside I was furious.
For one thing, friends don't talk shit behind each others' backs, and for another, they don't talk shit about each other to women.
And I know why he did it; he is jealous of me and Tracy, even though we're just friends. So he's trying to dig a hole under me, to undermine my reputation.
In any case, I've had enough of him. I'm planning on confronting him, and I am planning on doing everything EXCEPT getting physical.
--
So I have several questions.
First, Tracy doesn't know Jennifer, so she has no way of finding out about and reading Jennifer's note concerning Jack. I believe that as a friend of Tracy's, I have a responsibility to let her know. Should I link Jennifer's note to Tracy? Should I do it anonymously?
Second, I am friends with Jennifer as well, and I agree with her 100%. Jack was being a tremendous tool and he has gone down several notches in my book. Should I let her know that (privately), and apologize on behalf of Jack because Jack is a close friend of mine?
Third, because Jack was a tool and he basically shot me in the back, I feel like I need to exploit this situation and spread the damage done to Jack's reputation as much as I can. On the logical level I realize that the reason I feel this way is because of spite, and I shouldn't do it. But the temptation is so strong!
I need advice H/A!
ege02 on
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You don't need to be a cock back to him, just cut him out of your life and don't speak to him. That is quite possibly the harshest thing you can do to someone.
Well, the problem is that we have a LOT of mutual friends, and most of them make up our "core" group. Cutting him out wouldn't mean I would never see him again; it would only introduce tension to our social gatherings.
I can't help you with the rest, but I hope everything turns out for the best.
EDIT: I read a little more carefully. Steer clear from any actions motivated by spite.
Ok, you can either pick your happiness and doing what is right or you can pick convenience.
1) Tell her about the jack-bashing forum. Be up front about it. "you're cool, and jack sucks so bad he's got a forum of ex's that talk about how big a dick he was." Give her the address if she wants. Then never say anything about it again. You're not her dad, you aren't here to "protect" her, you gave her the info and now it's her call.
2) Jack is not a close friend of yours. You are a friend of his, he's using you. If you want to apologise, apologise for not see what a tool he is sooner. Offer condolences where appropriate and don't hit on her afterward.
3) Petty, but understandable. No need to do that. Never talk about him again until someone brings it up.
4) tension in the social.. Well, if he's a huge asshole and people take his side, then that's that. F them too. You do what you think is right and if thats sayign in front of a huge crowd "jack is a fuckup and I don't want to have anything to do with him" then that's what you do.
I had a similar thing happen with a guy I considered a close friend assualting another close friend. People picked sides. some people don't want to think about anything but their own comfort but I refuse to be associated with assholes that use or abuse people. You have to make your own call about what level of interaction you'll accept for some 'group dynamic'.
See, this entire section made my head hurt. Jack is a douchebag. End your friendship with him. Period.
There is no need to run around like a 12 year old girl starting rumors and trying to get back at him. Your female friends sound intelligent enough and I'm sure they'll do just fine without your "help"
I would personally mention something to your friend, especially since it seems like he has no problem talking about you to other people. regarding that, I would definitly find out what he said and who he said it to.
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If Jack really is the douche bag you say he is, everyone will figure it out on their own.
BROS BEFORE HOS MAN
Honestly, confront him about him talking about you behind you back. This IS the worst betrayal of trust that any friend can do, and if they do so, they're not your friend. But, if you just go and explode up in his face, you're not being a good friend either--give him a chance to talk, to explain himself, he could just still be an emotional wreck after his ex and he's desperate with Tracy, insecure about himself because he considers you a threat. Talk to him first, and tell him it's really not cool what he's doing and be like "man, you've been a real douche lately, what's up with that?" now if he's an ass and gets defensive and yelly then feel free to rail him (verbally) if he breaks down and realizes what he's done is wrong, then just talk it out.
I don't think this is an excuse to manipulate, lie to and cheat on people.
Sounds reasonable.
Don't make any ultimatums or anything, just let him know how he's affecting your friendship. Saying "cut it out or I'm not hanging out with you anymore" is stupid and won't help, but if push comes to shove, do just that. Despite what you think about the circle of friends, sooner or later people are going to wise up and get tired of his shit, and they'll start cutting him out of their lives as well.
But really, just telling him what you think is going on will probably do the most good. Sometimes it takes people to realize that their actions are hurting those close to them before they determine to change.
Incidentally he just posted a facebook note of his own.
The sheer stupidity and immaturity of it blows my mind.
Confront him. Nothing gets me riled up more than people talking behind each others backs and lacking the balls to say it to their face. Try not to drag other people into it however and avoid trying to say who said what in an attempt to back things up. If they want to be friends that's their buisness.
Then just don't talk to him, just because you have alot of mutual friends doesn't mean you are forced to like him. My friends have some friends that I don't like and vice versa, we don't punch and hit each other, we just don't talk to each other.
Satans..... hints.....