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Curbing an emotional issue (yes, caused by a girl)

redimpulseredimpulse Registered User
edited April 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
Oh god I hit the new thread button.

Anyway, here's the story. I was married for three years, but since 2005 I've been single. Not really a big problem; just hadn't found a girl that piqued my interest, until a couple weekends ago. I was set up/introduced to this wonderful girl by my good friends. We met that weekend for a very short time as she had to get back to college (1 hour north) to get ready for classes the next morning. So we talked a little during the week, and she planned on coming back to town for the weekend.

So she did, and it was awesome. There was a spark; an initial attraction that I never really had with any other girl. She's incredibly intelligent, and she can hold a conversation for more than an hour without losing my interest. Actually we sat up and talked from about 11:00 Saturday night until 5:30 Sunday morning. During this time, we learned a lot about each other and I learned a lot about myself (cheesy remarks end here). Needless to say from that point I've been feeling emotions and such that I haven't felt in a long time/before. I'm cool with that. It feels good. Sunday night (after an enjoyable time in a local park), she takes back off for school.

Yesterday rolls around, and she texts me. We talk for a little while, then she comes out and states that she's not looking for any type of relationship right now, just casual dating. She also asks for my stance on casual dating with multiple people (so I guess my input is appreciated, which makes me feel alright). Now I've never been one to date multiple girls at one time, even on-and-off casual type. It's just not me. But what she does is her choice and I tell her that. [As it was the answer she was looking for] that went well. And I'm fine with all this! None of this is really an issue, at least externally. Christ, we've only known each other for a very short time. It's not a big deal.

But for some reason, I can't help feeling a bit dejected. I think I got my hopes up a little too much even though I knew that this was the route she wanted to take. I'm just not sure the route I should take at this time. I'm quite attracted to her, and the feelings are mutual (learned many things from mutual friends), but I've never been in this type of situation. In my (small town lol) experience, casual dating didn't happen. If there was a level of attraction, you two got together and went from there. But I'm no longer in a small town and this isn't 7-9 years ago. I'm not sure what's expected of me in a casual dating situation, and I can't seem to curb these feelings. Any H/A for a slightly confused guy (who's probably way out of his element)?

redimpulse on
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Posts

  • MalkorMalkor Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    Think of her as a friend first and romantic interest second. Keep seeing her when you get the chance, but don't dissmiss the possibility of someone else. If your relationship matures, then maybe seeing each other exclusively will naturally happen. Man, I've never been able to talk to anyone for 6 hours damn dude.

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  • arod_77arod_77 __BANNED USERS
    edited April 2007
    Ive' gotten this treatment before as well-- from my experience it means that she is either trying to get over another guy by screwing as many guys as possible-- or she is just leading you on.

    Beware of girls that come on strong and then launch this kind of strategy on you

    glitteratsigcopy.jpg
  • FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    Why don't you just relax and take it one step at a time. You haven't known each other that long. Gather more data before you decide what is what.

    Oddly, your situation is similar to mine.

  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited April 2007
    So she basically started setting the terms of your relationship and you conceded (without giving the smallest bit of resistance, I might add) because you're afraid of losing her.
    But what she does is her choice and I tell her that. [As it was the answer she was looking for] that went well.

    Of course that is the answer she is looking for! If the girl is attractive and intelligent she is used to getting what she wants and not used to guys putting up a resistance and asserting what they want. That hardly makes your answer the best answer or means it went well.

    I mean, you said you have never dated multiple women before. In your situation I would have said, "hey that's cool, but I'm not one to date multiple people at the same time. You're of course free to do what you want. It was nice knowing you" or something along those lines. And I would actually mean it (rather than offer it as a manipulative tactic), and move on. Now, if we really had this "spark", she would come back. But I wouldn't keep my hopes up about it because I have already moved on.

    Do you see what I am getting at here?

    Medopine wrote: »
    Fuck that woman going "oh god oh no!!"

    It's nature, bitch
  • PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    I'm just not sure the route I should take at this time.
    What you do is take her at her word. Keep looking. Don't break any other plans to see her. Don't go out of your way to message her. She's just a friend that might, at some point, one far flung day be more.

    If it helps, don't consider yourself "dating" casue you're not.

    all perfectionists are mediocre in their own eyes
  • AximAxim Registered User
    edited April 2007
    yeah in my experience girls that like to keep a couple guys on the go at all times are better left as friends. i knew a girl in second year uni like this that was always stringing a couple dudes along. not to say that she wasn't smart and fun to hang around but personally i always set up a barrier because i knew what kind of ship she ran and wasn't into it.

    it's by no means a 'big city' thing as a sign of someone not ready for committal or as another person suggested, someone just out of a relationship who wants to play the fields and have a good time. i'd say the smartest move you could make if you still want to pursue is play more of the friend angle and play hard to get to a certain degree. girls like this usually like dudes who have a lot going on and don't necessarily give in to their every demand.

    of course this is going off of extremely limited information so yeah just slow it down a bit and if she just wants to mess around whenever it's convenient for her than i would probably leave it at that..

  • redimpulseredimpulse Registered User
    edited April 2007
    Malkor - good info, thanks for that. And yeah, 6 hours. But it was all interesting.
    Arod - I've heard that before, and I wouldn't doubt it.
    Fellhand - as you're in a similar situation, how are you handling it?
    ege - Seems like there's some hostility/bitterness there. I take it you've been through a situation like this before. But seeing as the points you brought up are circumstances that have already passed, I'm not sure how to take your post. Given your (probable) experience, what would you suggest to be my next step to maximize my position here?
    PirateJon - Thanks. I think I'll put your advice to some use.

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  • KingMooKingMoo Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    perhaps you should try making yourself unavailable from time to time. Give her a taste of her own medicine

    ![▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓]!
    !!!!▓▓▓▓▓Gravy?▓▓▓▓▓!!!!!!
    !!!!!!▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓!!!!!!!!!
    of doom
  • XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    KingMoo wrote: »
    perhaps you should try making yourself unavailable from time to time. Give her a taste of her own medicine

    never ever begin a relationship by 'getting even'.

  • drinkinstoutdrinkinstout Registered User
    edited April 2007
    I am with you in the sense of not casually dating several people - I don't mind what others do but I simply cannot do it. If I were told what you were, I probably would have responded similarly BUT would have added something similar to what Ege said. I would have, at least in the conversation, removed myself from that pool. If it bothers you and you tell her it's okay and she believes it, it will only fester if she follows through and is actually seeing multiple guys.

    I wouldn't try any sort of "revenge" shit because if you two truly like eachother there is no reason whatsoever to ruin it - just make it clear that you are fine with what she does but don't necessarily want to be a part of it (if you feel that way)

    Keep the friendship open and hang out - have a good time - approach it as nothing serious... it might become something, it might not.

    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    stout's Amazon Wishlist | my lastFM
  • KingMooKingMoo Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    Xaquin44 wrote: »
    KingMoo wrote: »
    perhaps you should try making yourself unavailable from time to time. Give her a taste of her own medicine

    never ever begin a relationship by 'getting even'.

    it's not getting "even". It's showing her that if she wants to be free then you will be free too. Women want what they can't have and if you make yourself a little more unavailable she will rethink her whole theory about wanting to not be exclusive.

    ![▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓]!
    !!!!▓▓▓▓▓Gravy?▓▓▓▓▓!!!!!!
    !!!!!!▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓!!!!!!!!!
    of doom
  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    Sounds like she's currently seeing someone else. No doubt she likes you, but as she's just hit college she wants to keep her options open. Let's take a guess and say she also comes from somewhere else, and part of her goals for college life is to meet new people and taste a variety of possible relationships.

    This doesn't change what you two have (or don't have), and it doesn't make her less of a person, or you less of a man for understanding. If anything, I would take it as a compliment, because obviously she can see herself settling in to a nice exclusive lifestyle with you quite easily - hence the hesitation to get too involved.

    If you really like her, keep the door open. Don't push or be impatient, and let things unfold as they should. Keep your own options open, and if something more meaningful presents itself take it. That's the dice you roll when you don't take immediate advantage of an opportunity - the next day it might be gone.

    Edcrab wrote: »
    "See," said Lucifer, "God's an asshole."
  • FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    redimpulse wrote: »
    Fellhand - as you're in a similar situation, how are you handling it?

    Well, I just got out of a three year relationship and I've started seeing chicks and hooking up. I've made it clear that I'm not dating exclusively. Everything was going great until this weekend and I found a girl that I think I want to pursue more with.

    However, she lives on the other side of the state, is going to Italy for a while in like a month for school, and also plans on grad school. So I think my situation is similar, but it's also developing.

    I'm handling it well because there are a lot of women out there each with their own wonderful characteristics. It's like, don't be bummed out about something you can't change or someone else's expectations. The girl I was with this weekend is just amazing and I want to see her, but I have to accept the improbability of that happening and make the most of it.

    I don't think casual dating is uncommon or tricky. It's like you're test driving the car before you decide to get the damn loan and be broke for a while.

    I don't want to sound like a dick, but telling her what she wants to hear isn't exactly healthy for building a relationship and to me it feels like a form of manipulation. I doubt that was your intent and you just want her to like you :), but still.

    It might be hard for you to see her if you're only used to exclusiveness. Jealousy might be an issue (I say this because when my ex and I broke up we decided to still be friends, I mean, she knows me better than anyone else, but I was a dick for a little bit after the breakup because of jealousy) and it's something you can get over, but you have to be secure in yourself.

    I guess the only advice I can give you that is usefull is don't take this to heart. She's not outright rejecting you. It sounds like she just wants to experience different things (that's how I feel about my single life) and doesn't want to be tied down right now.

  • FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    Sarcastro wrote: »
    If you really like her, keep the door open. Don't push or be impatient, and let things unfold as they should. Keep your own options open, and if something more meaningful presents itself take it.

    Those are the words I wish I had smithed.

  • CojonesCojones Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    Axim wrote: »
    in my experience girls that like to keep a couple guys on the go at all times are better left as friends.
    If you're planning on seeing this one through then be prepared for the worst. As it stands you've got what may well be a decent friend. Keep it that what until the situation becomes more stable.

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  • ege02ege02 __BANNED USERS
    edited April 2007
    redimpulse wrote: »
    ege - Seems like there's some hostility/bitterness there. I take it you've been through a situation like this before. But seeing as the points you brought up are circumstances that have already passed, I'm not sure how to take your post. Given your (probable) experience, what would you suggest to be my next step to maximize my position here?

    On the contrary. My stance is that of perfect relaxation and non-seriousness.

    What I am saying is this: be a man. Let me elaborate.

    When a person is at the beginning stages of a relationship with another person, he or she will test the waters; they will try to see how much they can bend the other person to their will and get him/her to make compromises and to conform to their rules.

    Several hours before the date she calls and says something came up and she won't make it. The typical guy would say something along the lines of, "hey it's OK, we can do it another time." So the message he inadvertently gives her is "you can flake out on me and it's no big deal" and, if by some miracle, their relationship actually develops, she will be flaking out on him all the time (or at the very least be late all the time because she knows he's her bitch).

    Your situation is similar. She tested the waters by saying she doesn't want a serious relationship and wants to date multiple people, and saw you give ground without putting up a resistance.

    Do you see my point? Relationships at their beginning stages are ultimately power-plays between couples where each person tries to establish the boundaries of their power and influence over the other. This sounds like a gross oversimplification and in a sense it is, but I believe it is still a valid assessment in terms of what we are talking about here.

    Anyway, your particular case...

    I think the fact that you are trying to salvage the situation and, in your own words, "to maximize the gain" means that you place too much importance on this one girl.

    I should ask you, are you in a position to meet and date other girls?

    Because that's the route I would take, were I in your position. I mean, you know that she is dating other guys and possibly fucking them. Why don't you do the same? You don't have to date multiple at a time. But at least date another girl. Remember: the more choices you have, the more power you possess.

    Either that, or move on. I mean, I personally cannot for the life of me imagine myself in a situation where my date is dating multiple people and I am not. Either I start dating other girls, or, if that is against my personality, I would stop dating her.

    Medopine wrote: »
    Fuck that woman going "oh god oh no!!"

    It's nature, bitch
  • Doobie DanDoobie Dan Registered User
    edited April 2007
    Listen to what ege says. He knows what he is talking about.

  • FellhandFellhand Registered User regular
    edited April 2007
    Doobie Dan wrote: »
    Listen to what ege says. He knows what he is talking about.

    If you want to do that then OP might as well pick up a copy of The Game.

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