Everyone I think kind of feels like they want to have that experience of dating lots of people so they can narrow down what they like. But like, no matter your dating pool you still aren't going to get a good idea of every possible permutation of person. I think if you like someone, pay attention to making your time with them as good as it can be and don't worry so much about getting a preview of every other possible option.
I know people who've never been with anyone but their spouse, and people who've dated a ton of folks. The people who are happy are happy because they've managed to connect with other human beings in a way that made their lives better.
Also like, people change and so do relationships! A caring partner will be open to the idea of trying out like... being more romantic, less romantic, trying your interests, developing their own. A relationship is a system, not a state.
Part of me sometimes worries that Querry is going to feel like she settled too fast because of this. I know that's kind of silly; she stopped feeling like that after a few dates, and she knows how exceptional I am when it comes to a lot of things, but it still can stress me out.
It's the way of things, I think. I know a ton of folks who've felt the same way in a wide variety of relationship situations. The important part is to not get so wrapped up in the idea that you mess up the good things you've got going.
Like I kind of think of it with regards to friends, too?
I know I could just keep on widening my social circle and finding new folks. A lot of the time I find new people who are really great to spend time with! But at a certain point I have to decide that doing another movie night with the pals I have is worth more than trying to find new ones, or else I'm not going to have anyone I can be really close to and I'm going to miss out on some good times.
Everyone I think kind of feels like they want to have that experience of dating lots of people so they can narrow down what they like. But like, no matter your dating pool you still aren't going to get a good idea of every possible permutation of person. I think if you like someone, pay attention to making your time with them as good as it can be and don't worry so much about getting a preview of every other possible option.
I know people who've never been with anyone but their spouse, and people who've dated a ton of folks. The people who are happy are happy because they've managed to connect with other human beings in a way that made their lives better.
Also like, people change and so do relationships! A caring partner will be open to the idea of trying out like... being more romantic, less romantic, trying your interests, developing their own. A relationship is a system, not a state.
Part of me sometimes worries that Querry is going to feel like she settled too fast because of this. I know that's kind of silly; she stopped feeling like that after a few dates, and she knows how exceptional I am when it comes to a lot of things, but it still can stress me out.
It's the way of things, I think. I know a ton of folks who've felt the same way in a wide variety of relationship situations. The important part is to not get so wrapped up in the idea that you mess up the good things you've got going.
Like I kind of think of it with regards to friends, too?
I know I could just keep on widening my social circle and finding new folks. A lot of the time I find new people who are really great to spend time with! But at a certain point I have to decide that doing another movie night with the pals I have is worth more than trying to find new ones, or else I'm not going to have anyone I can be really close to and I'm going to miss out on some good times.
Yeah, but with dating (well, monogamy) it necessitates an end to what I have. She is both tree most important person to me, and the one for whom exploring means leaving me. That is where the tension comes from.
Everyone I think kind of feels like they want to have that experience of dating lots of people so they can narrow down what they like. But like, no matter your dating pool you still aren't going to get a good idea of every possible permutation of person. I think if you like someone, pay attention to making your time with them as good as it can be and don't worry so much about getting a preview of every other possible option.
I know people who've never been with anyone but their spouse, and people who've dated a ton of folks. The people who are happy are happy because they've managed to connect with other human beings in a way that made their lives better.
Also like, people change and so do relationships! A caring partner will be open to the idea of trying out like... being more romantic, less romantic, trying your interests, developing their own. A relationship is a system, not a state.
Part of me sometimes worries that Querry is going to feel like she settled too fast because of this. I know that's kind of silly; she stopped feeling like that after a few dates, and she knows how exceptional I am when it comes to a lot of things, but it still can stress me out.
It's the way of things, I think. I know a ton of folks who've felt the same way in a wide variety of relationship situations. The important part is to not get so wrapped up in the idea that you mess up the good things you've got going.
Like I kind of think of it with regards to friends, too?
I know I could just keep on widening my social circle and finding new folks. A lot of the time I find new people who are really great to spend time with! But at a certain point I have to decide that doing another movie night with the pals I have is worth more than trying to find new ones, or else I'm not going to have anyone I can be really close to and I'm going to miss out on some good times.
Yeah, but with dating (well, monogamy) it necessitates an end to what I have. She is both tree most important person to me, and the one for whom exploring means leaving me. That is where the tension comes from.
Well yeah that's what I meant, that's where the tension is for everyone.
Mostly my experience is that sticking with a person that makes you happy is a hell of a lot better than letting what ifs eat you up.
Everyone I think kind of feels like they want to have that experience of dating lots of people so they can narrow down what they like. But like, no matter your dating pool you still aren't going to get a good idea of every possible permutation of person. I think if you like someone, pay attention to making your time with them as good as it can be and don't worry so much about getting a preview of every other possible option.
I know people who've never been with anyone but their spouse, and people who've dated a ton of folks. The people who are happy are happy because they've managed to connect with other human beings in a way that made their lives better.
Also like, people change and so do relationships! A caring partner will be open to the idea of trying out like... being more romantic, less romantic, trying your interests, developing their own. A relationship is a system, not a state.
Part of me sometimes worries that Querry is going to feel like she settled too fast because of this. I know that's kind of silly; she stopped feeling like that after a few dates, and she knows how exceptional I am when it comes to a lot of things, but it still can stress me out.
It's the way of things, I think. I know a ton of folks who've felt the same way in a wide variety of relationship situations. The important part is to not get so wrapped up in the idea that you mess up the good things you've got going.
Like I kind of think of it with regards to friends, too?
I know I could just keep on widening my social circle and finding new folks. A lot of the time I find new people who are really great to spend time with! But at a certain point I have to decide that doing another movie night with the pals I have is worth more than trying to find new ones, or else I'm not going to have anyone I can be really close to and I'm going to miss out on some good times.
Yeah, but with dating (well, monogamy) it necessitates an end to what I have. She is both tree most important person to me, and the one for whom exploring means leaving me. That is where the tension comes from.
Well yeah that's what I meant, that's where the tension is for everyone.
Mostly my experience is that sticking with a person that makes you happy is a hell of a lot better than letting what ifs eat you up.
Oh for sure, I'm just saying that in this particular situation, I feel a tinge of worry sometimes
Also update on the animator: she's great, we're great, everything's great. She's incurably adorable and extremely funny. I've never had so much fun just making jokes with someone! I'm just annoyed I'm away this weekend, because she suggested we hang out and play pokemon with some friends of hers and that sounds delightful. but next weekend will be fun, and I'm going to make dinner for her again tomorrow night. She says I'm a very good cook, and I'm trying to live up to that praise .
I will also offer up to double-check your medications. I was having an issue last year, and though dysfunction was mentioned way down the list and as an exceedingly rare side effect, the fact that I was on two meds was affecting me. If you have changed anything up recently, it's worth taking a look at.
But most probably, it's just nerves. They say every man will have an issue at some point in their life, so you learn to deal with it now instead of later.
Original plan: Playing games, dinner, maybe hanging out and watching some movies.
What actually happened: "OHAI" *get distracted talking while curled up with each other* *check time* "HOLY FUCK HOW IS IT FIVE HOURS LATER" *get dinner* * go back to just being derpy idiots* And then she made noms in the morning and we watched people get cut to pieces in Cabin in the Woods for laughs
I reduced the mile range because I'm carfree in the city.
And still get contacted by females on opposite sides of the earth.
Some people just do not pay attention to profiles at all because I am blatantly listed as non-monogmomous (see: Relationship Anarchy) with zero interest in children and I still get people fishing for kids or wanting a traditional get married & settle down life with someone.
I just generally ignore it with a "flattered but no thx" attitude.
So, like... is it poor form to ask for a critique of a Tinder profile in here? I see guys upthread complaining about "only" getting 5 or so matches a day, and I probably get 2-3 a week - and I'm in London where there are a metric fuckton of people. Can't help but think I'm doing something wrong.
Yeah, I don't get Tinder. Life to date, I have 3 matches. Granted, I'm not exhausting my swipes every day, but I think in some places the math against you is just crazy.
I only ever got one match on Tinder and after a short convo and talk about a specific whiskey bar she ghosted me after I asked if she actually wanted to meet up there. Tinder strikes me as more of a volume swiping thing where you need to be less discriminate to get anywhere but my anal retentiveness doesn't really like that so eh.
OKC is definitely my favorite so far out of all the internet dating options.
Tinder is working way better for me than OKC. I'm going on a date with a 4th girl in about three weeks through tinder, but haven't gotten to a date yet through OKC. And I put a hell of a lot more effort into OKC...
But Bumble can suck it. Two matches after almost a week, one conversation that went nowhere. But at least it seems like there's unlimited swiping per day. I've yet to hit a limit.
Yeah, I don't get Tinder. Life to date, I have 3 matches. Granted, I'm not exhausting my swipes every day, but I think in some places the math against you is just crazy.
Tinder is working way better for me than OKC. I'm going on a date with a 4th girl in about three weeks through tinder, but haven't gotten to a date yet through OKC. And I put a hell of a lot more effort into OKC...
But Bumble can suck it. Two matches after almost a week, one conversation that went nowhere. But at least it seems like there's unlimited swiping per day. I've yet to hit a limit.
Purely anecdotal but I've noticed that the girls on Bumble seem to be a lot more traditionally attractive, on average, than any of the other quick dating apps. Maybe that means they can be very picky...
ALRIGHT FINE I GOT AN AVATAR
Steam: adamjnet
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thatassemblyguyJanitor of Technical Debt.Registered Userregular
I'd absolutely love to try Bumble, but I'm not going to give them my Facebook information. That's just rude.
So, like... is it poor form to ask for a critique of a Tinder profile in here? I see guys upthread complaining about "only" getting 5 or so matches a day, and I probably get 2-3 a week - and I'm in London where there are a metric fuckton of people. Can't help but think I'm doing something wrong.
Yeah, @Spaffy , this is a thread to get profile critiques if desired.
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ShivahnUnaware of her barrel shifter privilegeWestern coastal temptressRegistered User, Moderatormod
I'd absolutely love to try Bumble, but I'm not going to give them my Facebook information. That's just rude.
Yeah, this was a problem for a lot of the lesbian specific apps (though there, the reasoning was pretty clear: apparently men were signing up consistently)
I'd absolutely love to try Bumble, but I'm not going to give them my Facebook information. That's just rude.
Yeah, this was a problem for a lot of the lesbian specific apps (though there, the reasoning was pretty clear: apparently men were signing up consistently)
Yeah. I get it. Having that information verifiable is really good to reduce some of the spam (e: spam specifically for Bumble. The sites you're mentioning did it not for spam, but safety concerns which is A+ in my book). For me, I just don't want to put my real profession or some other things on Facebook. My family that I'm connected with know what's up; I don't need to broadcast that to FBs servers.
There in lies the rub, because Bumble pulls this information from FB.
So, like... is it poor form to ask for a critique of a Tinder profile in here? I see guys upthread complaining about "only" getting 5 or so matches a day, and I probably get 2-3 a week - and I'm in London where there are a metric fuckton of people. Can't help but think I'm doing something wrong.
Yeah, @Spaffy , this is a thread to get profile critiques if desired.
Ok. I wasn't sure how to present it so I just took screenshots of each slide... Here is my profile and pics. (I have taken out the 'WEIRD RIGHT' since I took these screenshots). Any tips appreciated - apologies for long and for big!
ALRIGHT FINE I GOT AN AVATAR
Steam: adamjnet
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thatassemblyguyJanitor of Technical Debt.Registered Userregular
edited July 2016
From my perspective you're doing a lot of things right, but you should remove the "Please don't be crazy." That is probably turning a lot of people off to your, otherwise, outstanding profile.
(Mutters something about this Spaffy guy still having a head full of hair)
e: I should clarify: Even though you mean it as a joke. Humor like that doesn't translate very well on the dating site platform, so it comes off as more obnoxious than cute/funny.
I do recommend that for your main profile photo be sure it's only you in the shot. Having to guess which person it is in the picture is a bit of a turnoff/annoyance so if the top one is your main one switch it. The one of you doing a presentation is actually pretty rad and an attention grabber.
Also I am a little jealous of your hair.
*grumbles about mine being so thick it's unstylable*
Thanks, guys. I took out the crazy line. If I could ask you to really nit-pick, what would you criticise?
I'll definitely give thought to making the speaking picture my profile image, I included it because I wanted to show myself "at-work" and I love public speaking but I actually think I look incredibly tired and hungover (I was) in that picture.
ALRIGHT FINE I GOT AN AVATAR
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thatassemblyguyJanitor of Technical Debt.Registered Userregular
Thanks, guys. I took out the crazy line. If I could ask you to really nit-pick, what would you criticise?
I'll definitely give thought to making the speaking picture my profile image, I included it because I wanted to show myself "at-work" and I love public speaking but I actually think I look incredibly tired and hungover (I was) in that picture.
It's actually a p. good photo. It shows a lot of things about you that many people would find attractive, so put it up there.
Girl #1, we were at my place and started watching Stranger Things. About 15 minutes in, she said she couldn't take it and asked to put something else on. It turns out her brother was one of the kids killed in the West Memphis Three case, and she couldn't handle the missing kid aspect of the show. She didn't actually tell me that was the case, but when I googled her last name and the word murder the next day, it was one of the top results.
Stranger Things first episode spoiler
As a side note, the last name of the kid who goes missing may very well be a reference to the West Memphis Three case. It's her last name.
Girl #2, who I'm supposed to see for a second date tomorrow, had a couple of friends on the hot air balloon that crashed this morning outside of Austin killing 16 people.
The first girl is primarily a short term fling (and we're both on the same page about that; too different for a solid long-term relationship, but still attracted to each other), so it's not like it's a big revelation about a girl I've fallen for that will have long-term consequences or anything, but it's still pretty crazy and cast a weird mood on the rest of the night, even after switching to watching Archer.
But the second girl I actually really like and could see a serious relationship forming, and I don't really know how to end this sentence without sounding horribly selfish... but dammit.
So yeah... apparently death surrounds my dating life...
@Spaffy I would remove picture two or if it's not an ex remove the zoom and crop as it makes it look awful. As someone else mentioned the presentation picture is your best solo pic so I would place that as the first. The list of dislikes is a little weird and I would probably remove it. In general I would shy away from dislikes or anything negative as it might deter someone who it isn't meant for and you can filter before sending a message.
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thatassemblyguyJanitor of Technical Debt.Registered Userregular
[Internet Dating] thread, I gotta vent.
Now I know I am in a place of privilege in many aspects of my life and I am living an awesome life so I basically have zero ground to stand on when I do find some nits that I want to pick at, but sometimes I just gotta pick at them nits!
However, when I receive a message from a non-bot, reasonably cute person, that is simply, "Hey There ". To which, I give the benefit of the doubt (first messages are hard, and I get that since I have to send them out most of the time!), but then I visit their profile to form a response, and the profile is just: "Ask", ":)", or "If I fill this out, what will we talk about on our first date?" It's super frustrating!!
Like,
Honey, if two paragraphs summarizes the entirety of what you're able to talk about, you're not going to have much to talk about on that first date anyway. Which means you won't have anything to talk about on the Second Date! Oh the humanity!
But for reals, I respect the struggle, and the fact that there are a lot of creepers that try to construct a 'perfect' version for those people and waste their time. It's still v. frustrating.
Now I know I am in a place of privilege in many aspects of my life and I am living an awesome life so I basically have zero ground to stand on when I do find some nits that I want to pick at, but sometimes I just gotta pick at them nits!
However, when I receive a message from a non-bot, reasonably cute person, that is simply, "Hey There ". To which, I give the benefit of the doubt (first messages are hard, and I get that since I have to send them out most of the time!), but then I visit their profile to form a response, and the profile is just: "Ask", ":)", or "If I fill this out, what will we talk about on our first date?" It's super frustrating!!
Like,
Honey, if two paragraphs summarizes the entirety of what you're able to talk about, you're not going to have much to talk about on that first date anyway. Which means you won't have anything to talk about on the Second Date! Oh the humanity!
But for reals, I respect the struggle, and the fact that there are a lot of creepers that try to construct a 'perfect' version for those people and waste their time. It's still v. frustrating.
It's worth remembering that for as frustrating this is for you as a guy, you don't have to deal with the outright danger that women do.
Thanks, guys. I took out the crazy line. If I could ask you to really nit-pick, what would you criticise?
I'll definitely give thought to making the speaking picture my profile image, I included it because I wanted to show myself "at-work" and I love public speaking but I actually think I look incredibly tired and hungover (I was) in that picture.
It's actually a p. good photo. It shows a lot of things about you that many people would find attractive, so put it up there.
So, uh, an update on me. I changed the profile pic and made a couple of amends based on your suggestions. Within a day noticed an upswing in matches.
Managed to snag a date with a super cute girl with really dark red hair (which I LOVE) who works in my field with the added bonus being brand new to Tinder so not jaded by the experience at all and willing to just chat through the app a while, and we got on super well before I even called her.
And, uh... that was a week ago and we've seen each other every day since. Without a doubt the best first (and second and third...) dates I've ever been on.
Now I know I am in a place of privilege in many aspects of my life and I am living an awesome life so I basically have zero ground to stand on when I do find some nits that I want to pick at, but sometimes I just gotta pick at them nits!
However, when I receive a message from a non-bot, reasonably cute person, that is simply, "Hey There ". To which, I give the benefit of the doubt (first messages are hard, and I get that since I have to send them out most of the time!), but then I visit their profile to form a response, and the profile is just: "Ask", ":)", or "If I fill this out, what will we talk about on our first date?" It's super frustrating!!
Like,
Honey, if two paragraphs summarizes the entirety of what you're able to talk about, you're not going to have much to talk about on that first date anyway. Which means you won't have anything to talk about on the Second Date! Oh the humanity!
But for reals, I respect the struggle, and the fact that there are a lot of creepers that try to construct a 'perfect' version for those people and waste their time. It's still v. frustrating.
You know how some people really suck at writing resumes? Same principle applies here.
Speaking of sudden up swings in activity I changed my profile pic after I recently took what is easily the best picture ever of myself accidentally and said fuck it and used that as my new profile pic. Holy fuck that made a huge difference but now I have a general question. Is it considered proper form to politely message back someone who sends a nice enough message but you have zero interest in or is it better to just ignore it? I'm not used to getting messaged >_>
Posts
It's the way of things, I think. I know a ton of folks who've felt the same way in a wide variety of relationship situations. The important part is to not get so wrapped up in the idea that you mess up the good things you've got going.
Like I kind of think of it with regards to friends, too?
I know I could just keep on widening my social circle and finding new folks. A lot of the time I find new people who are really great to spend time with! But at a certain point I have to decide that doing another movie night with the pals I have is worth more than trying to find new ones, or else I'm not going to have anyone I can be really close to and I'm going to miss out on some good times.
Yeah, but with dating (well, monogamy) it necessitates an end to what I have. She is both tree most important person to me, and the one for whom exploring means leaving me. That is where the tension comes from.
Well yeah that's what I meant, that's where the tension is for everyone.
Mostly my experience is that sticking with a person that makes you happy is a hell of a lot better than letting what ifs eat you up.
Oh for sure, I'm just saying that in this particular situation, I feel a tinge of worry sometimes
"It's two people connecting... with four other people... and aliens."
I... may steal that idea.
All paths lead to the last page which just reads "And then they fuck."
That's the Japanese language edition.
The tentacle addition
What Shivahn said about the condom being too tight is also a thing. Some of them are like vices IME.
Especially when I have feels, the nerves can come roaring out.
But most probably, it's just nerves. They say every man will have an issue at some point in their life, so you learn to deal with it now instead of later.
Original plan: Playing games, dinner, maybe hanging out and watching some movies.
What actually happened: "OHAI" *get distracted talking while curled up with each other* *check time* "HOLY FUCK HOW IS IT FIVE HOURS LATER" *get dinner* * go back to just being derpy idiots* And then she made noms in the morning and we watched people get cut to pieces in Cabin in the Woods for laughs
ogad, I really am in trouble o_o
And still get contacted by females on opposite sides of the earth.
Some people just do not pay attention to profiles at all because I am blatantly listed as non-monogmomous (see: Relationship Anarchy) with zero interest in children and I still get people fishing for kids or wanting a traditional get married & settle down life with someone.
I just generally ignore it with a "flattered but no thx" attitude.
Steam: adamjnet
OKC is definitely my favorite so far out of all the internet dating options.
But Bumble can suck it. Two matches after almost a week, one conversation that went nowhere. But at least it seems like there's unlimited swiping per day. I've yet to hit a limit.
Purely anecdotal but I've noticed that the girls on Bumble seem to be a lot more traditionally attractive, on average, than any of the other quick dating apps. Maybe that means they can be very picky...
Steam: adamjnet
Yeah, @Spaffy , this is a thread to get profile critiques if desired.
aaaaaaand she's in Russia.
Reported.
Yeah. I get it. Having that information verifiable is really good to reduce some of the spam (e: spam specifically for Bumble. The sites you're mentioning did it not for spam, but safety concerns which is A+ in my book). For me, I just don't want to put my real profession or some other things on Facebook. My family that I'm connected with know what's up; I don't need to broadcast that to FBs servers.
There in lies the rub, because Bumble pulls this information from FB.
Bumble seems awesome though.
Ok. I wasn't sure how to present it so I just took screenshots of each slide... Here is my profile and pics. (I have taken out the 'WEIRD RIGHT' since I took these screenshots). Any tips appreciated - apologies for long and for big!
Steam: adamjnet
(Mutters something about this Spaffy guy still having a head full of hair)
e: I should clarify: Even though you mean it as a joke. Humor like that doesn't translate very well on the dating site platform, so it comes off as more obnoxious than cute/funny.
Also I am a little jealous of your hair.
*grumbles about mine being so thick it's unstylable*
I'll definitely give thought to making the speaking picture my profile image, I included it because I wanted to show myself "at-work" and I love public speaking but I actually think I look incredibly tired and hungover (I was) in that picture.
Steam: adamjnet
It's actually a p. good photo. It shows a lot of things about you that many people would find attractive, so put it up there.
Girl #1, we were at my place and started watching Stranger Things. About 15 minutes in, she said she couldn't take it and asked to put something else on. It turns out her brother was one of the kids killed in the West Memphis Three case, and she couldn't handle the missing kid aspect of the show. She didn't actually tell me that was the case, but when I googled her last name and the word murder the next day, it was one of the top results.
Stranger Things first episode spoiler
Girl #2, who I'm supposed to see for a second date tomorrow, had a couple of friends on the hot air balloon that crashed this morning outside of Austin killing 16 people.
The first girl is primarily a short term fling (and we're both on the same page about that; too different for a solid long-term relationship, but still attracted to each other), so it's not like it's a big revelation about a girl I've fallen for that will have long-term consequences or anything, but it's still pretty crazy and cast a weird mood on the rest of the night, even after switching to watching Archer.
But the second girl I actually really like and could see a serious relationship forming, and I don't really know how to end this sentence without sounding horribly selfish... but dammit.
So yeah... apparently death surrounds my dating life...
However, when I receive a message from a non-bot, reasonably cute person, that is simply, "Hey There
Like,
Honey, if two paragraphs summarizes the entirety of what you're able to talk about, you're not going to have much to talk about on that first date anyway. Which means you won't have anything to talk about on the Second Date! Oh the humanity!
But for reals, I respect the struggle, and the fact that there are a lot of creepers that try to construct a 'perfect' version for those people and waste their time. It's still v. frustrating.
So, uh, an update on me. I changed the profile pic and made a couple of amends based on your suggestions. Within a day noticed an upswing in matches.
Managed to snag a date with a super cute girl with really dark red hair (which I LOVE) who works in my field with the added bonus being brand new to Tinder so not jaded by the experience at all and willing to just chat through the app a while, and we got on super well before I even called her.
And, uh... that was a week ago and we've seen each other every day since. Without a doubt the best first (and second and third...) dates I've ever been on.
So THANK YOU THREAD
Steam: adamjnet
You know how some people really suck at writing resumes? Same principle applies here.
Steam Profile
3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
Speaking of sudden up swings in activity I changed my profile pic after I recently took what is easily the best picture ever of myself accidentally and said fuck it and used that as my new profile pic. Holy fuck that made a huge difference but now I have a general question. Is it considered proper form to politely message back someone who sends a nice enough message but you have zero interest in or is it better to just ignore it? I'm not used to getting messaged >_>