Good time to leave?

AltforExit

Is there ever a good time for a breakup between two adults who share an apt. and thought they would marry? I think things are falling apart and I'm not asking for advice there, but I know that my partner is going through a variety of hard times right now, and I have no wish to pile on, this is a multi year relationship that is not working, not some vindictive act against a perceived transgression. At the same time, just staying out of inertia and ease will do neither of us a favor. If I have a reasonable timetable for things to be a bit better after x date is it reasonable to wait? Or just rip the bandaid off? It's seeming increasingly inevitable, but I would like to minimize my partners pain, if at all possible.

Usagi

There is no good time, only one that's less bad than another

And as you keep going it always gets harder

Cambiata

There's no way to minimize the pain. The best thing you can do is be honest about how you feel, without making it about what is "wrong" with the other person. Also, wanting to break up is it's own reason, you don't have to justify it.

Imperfect

It. Sucks.

There's really no good time, and if you prolong it, you very well may end up regretting the extra months spent in that situation. Speaking from experience.

Foomy

The only reason I could see to wait a tiny bit would if your lease is up very soon, so then the question of who keeps the apt is out of the way.

But no matter when you do it, it's going to be bad.

AltforExit

We juuust renewed the lease, but neither of us could live here solo anyway. As far as physical stuff, they can have it. Really gonna miss the cat though. Well this may be a fun time. I'm supposed to go on a family vacation with her and her family starting Friday. Won't even see her till then as shes out of town. I think it may be moderately less shitty of me to get through the vacation/ see if we can talk anything or at all. This sucks all around.

mts

while kind of shitty i would wait until after the vacation with teh caveat that you not be weird about it so as to not ruin the vacation for everyone

Mulletude

I think you should do it before. She is going to head into that vacation thinking all is well and you will be faking it.

Just my opinion. I think it is better she knows instead of going through more days where you aren't into it.

DevoutlyApathetic

Breaking up before the vacation means ruining the vacation.

Breaking up before the vacation means she is at least surrounded by family to help her cope, if that's the sort of family she has, and has time to adjust before having to function for job/whatever.

So I can see that being a mixed bag. Though you'll definitely come off as an ass to the family.

AltforExit

My biggest issue with doing it before, is I will not see her in person again until it starts. This is hardly something to do over the phone/internet. I've also calmed down a bit, but I think we are due for a realllllll damn hard talk once we are back.

So its clear, I appreciate the advice! Just explaining why that wont quite work. If we were in the same place, I'd do the talk now.

binarycupcakes

I've definitely been in a similar situation, a couple of times. Chances are your partner probably feels similar. Hard talk sounds like your best course of action, whenever you get a chance. Hopefully it all boils down and you can both come to a healthy and clear decision. All the best.

JebusUD

I just want to put it out there to make sure this is really what you want, and not that you are just looking for the door because your partner is having life difficulties and suddenly it became work.

Relationships aren't always fun and ultimately both people have to want it to work. The only thing you can do is discuss your relationship openly and honestly with your partner.

Good luck!

dr piglet

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."

PAX_Skeletor

DevoutlyApathetic wrote: »

Though you'll definitely come off as an ass to the family.

My brother's girlfriend broke up with him directly after our family reunion, and I can confirm this is likely true. That said, that probably doesn't matter in the big scale of things if you are breaking it off. Unless you live in a small town of 200 people and are going to be seeing and interacting with her and her family every day, having a few more people that think you are an ass don't mean much on a global scale. (And trust me, each of us has their fair share of people that think we are an ass!)

alltheolive

The shitty thing about breaking up with someone over the phone is the breaking up; the shitty thing about breaking up over the internet is the breaking up; a breakup can always be put in a bad light by using the right tone of voice to complain about it and appending "You just don't DO that!"

"She broke up with me over gchat. GCHAT! You just don't DO that to someone!"
"She came on our family vacation and ate cheese with my mom and acted all normal! What kind of a sociopath goes on a family trip with someone they're breaking up with? You just don't DO that!"
You can't win because the shitty part is the breaking up.

You're probably talking yourself into a delay because it is super unpleasant to break up with someone. Be strong and get it over with, is my advice.

KupotheAvenger

Sooner the better. Period.

If my ex-wife had just told me she wanted out prior to cheating on me for 9 months of our 12 month marriage, it would've saved me a lease break, thousands of dollars in wasted couples counciling, and generally saved my sanity.

V1m

KupotheAvenger wrote: »

Sooner the better. Period.

If my ex-wife had just told me she wanted out prior to cheating on me for 9 months of our 12 month marriage, it would've saved me a lease break, thousands of dollars in wasted couples counciling, and generally saved my sanity.

If my ex had had just told me she wanted out instead of spending 2 years making me feel like a piece of shit so that I'd be the one to take the moral hit for breaking up, I wouldn't have spent some years in an alcoholic suicidal depression alienating everyone in my life. Maybe she had her reasons, I don't know (because she didn't tell me!) but there it was. I sure didn't feel grateful to her for "sparing my feelings".

Be honest with the people you are in a relationship with. You don't owe them sex or money, but god damb, you do at least owe them the truth.

Anome

I'm two days out from the end of a 5 year relationship and there is no good time to end it. In my situation, he is currently overseas while I'm still at home. While he's been gone, he figured out that his not wanting kids is likely to stay true while my mind is set on a family. We talked about it a couple weeks ago but tried to avoid having the conversation go through to its inevitable conclusion before he got back. That didn't work, it all came out, and 2 nights ago we had a very long conversation over Facebook voice chat and ended it. As much as I hurt right now, it's better than waiting for the inevitable.

I would say, having been through this, that it's not the communication method that matters, it's treating the other person with respect. My ex (still very weird to think of him as that) was kind and we let each other say everything we needed to. In our case, there is no animosity. I'd say rip the bandaid off, get it over with. Breakups are hard and there is no good time. I will say that now that the talk is over, it's nice that he's so far away and I don't have to see him every day (we live together so that's another thing to deal with). Talking to her before the vacation will allow her that space.

EclecticGroove

V1m wrote: »

KupotheAvenger wrote: »

Sooner the better. Period.

If my ex-wife had just told me she wanted out prior to cheating on me for 9 months of our 12 month marriage, it would've saved me a lease break, thousands of dollars in wasted couples counciling, and generally saved my sanity.

If my ex had had just told me she wanted out instead of spending 2 years making me feel like a piece of shit so that I'd be the one to take the moral hit for breaking up, I wouldn't have spent some years in an alcoholic suicidal depression alienating everyone in my life. Maybe she had her reasons, I don't know (because she didn't tell me!) but there it was. I sure didn't feel grateful to her for "sparing my feelings".

Be honest with the people you are in a relationship with. You don't owe them sex or money, but god damb, you do at least owe them the truth.

Yeah, that hits home with me. My ex and I were on the outs from her side. I even gave her the option of just ending things.

Had she just been honest and said she wanted out... yeah, I wouldn't have exactly been thrilled about it, but I can respect it.
Instead she said she didn't want that, and less than a week later went the full nuclear route, bringing about a slow and painful ending to the relationship once it came to light all the shit she was doing.
So I lost the relationship and I lost a friend of several years even before the relationship. I could have gotten over things ending and had a friend still, but now I could never speak with such a miserable person again in my life.

To the OP... there isn't ever a perfect time. So don't wait too much. Just take the time, if any, to make sure you are certain this is what you want. And while you obviously don't want to do it on someone's birthday or some such... there isn't ever going to be a time that is just perfect for this.