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BDSM Help (Bondage & Stuff)
LondonBridge
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__BANNED USERS regular
Ok, my new girlfriend has such a repressed sexuality that she is discovering with me and has all these fantasies that I rarely visited with past girlfriends. First off, she wants to be tied up and be blindfolded. This doesn't bother me at all as I want to please her I just don't know how to go about it right and not under or over do it.
As far as bondage things go, what can I use at home to tie her up with? A belt or anything else perhaps? I could visit the intimate store but its out of the way and I don't want to order anything online yet.
If anybody has advice for a novice then please share them too. Thanks!!!
As far as bondage things go, what can I use at home to tie her up with? A belt or anything else perhaps? I could visit the intimate store but its out of the way and I don't want to order anything online yet.
If anybody has advice for a novice then please share them too. Thanks!!!
LondonBridge on
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Have a look around at some Sportsheets stuff, velcro fastening and soft material.. good for general use and lots of fun. Worth it
If your in the UK, try looking at Lovehoney, if your in the USA i'm not too sure.
It may seem like overkill to have a safe word, especially if all you're doing is a little light bondage. But bondage has a tendency to lead to other things, and there may well come a time in the not-too-distant future when she's handcuffed to the bed and suddenly gets a little scared and doesn't know how to say no to you because she's the one who asked for it in the first place.
(Rule #2 about bondage: she [or he] is *always* allowed to say no, and they're the one who decides how much is too much. If she asks to be handcuffed, then decides she really isn't comfortable with it, respect that and back off immediately. The outsider's assumption regarding BDSM is that the dominant is in complete control and can do whatever they want, but it's really the other way around: the submissive always has the power to stop things).
As far as the actual details go, start small. Thin blindfold (silk scarves work well), fairly loose restraints. Most of the suggestions here are fine. Soft synthetic rope is also nice. You don't need to be hitting up the sex shops for fun fur cuffs if you're just experimenting. Also, being tied up is just the window dressing: it's what you *do* that matters. If she wants to be blindfolded, what she really wants is for you to surprise her with sensations. Ice, warm breath, the cliche feather dragged across the skin - keep her guessing, wondering what you're going to do next. When it comes to the main event, though, you might want to untie her, because trying to deal with shoulder muscle cramps during sex is very little fun.
You rock! I'm gonna stop by a store on the way home and buy a silk scarf and try the ice cubes. I've seen 9 1/2 Weeks.
You seem pretty knowledgeable on this subject. My girl also has rape fantasies, like a burglar breaking in or being kidnapped for example. I have ideas on this but do you have any suggestions on how to actually role play in these situations?
I'm a generally nice guy and prefer good old fashion fucking with some ass spanking so the BDSM is something I'm not used to but I really like this girl and want to make her happy.
But I'll second the silk scarf, classy and effective
Seriously, listen to this person, she is smart.
Regarding safewords, I typically just use "RED" and "YELLOW." Yellow means "continue with what you're doing but slow down, go lighter, ease up." Red means "stop the scene, untie me, we need to discuss limits before moving on." I don't recommend using weird words for safewords; I've known people who have used everything from "asparagus" to "vanilla" (heh). The more exotic the safeword, the more likely it is that the sub will forget.
If you're ever going to use gags or anything that restrains the mouth or face, have a safe signal set up. Like holding up 3 fingers or knocking on the headboard with your knuckle.
When you set up the scene, remove any printed material and especially any clocks out of the sight of the sub. This is not a must-do, just a nice-to-do. It helps the sub enter the submissive mental space (aka "subspace").
When you tie somebody up, it's generally a good idea to tie the tip of your pinky finger under the knot, too. This will give just enough slack that you won't cut off your partner's bloodflow but not so much slack that they'll be able to get free on their own. Your hands falling asleep (or worse) really kills the mood.
Regarding materials, silk anything is good. Silk scarves, as mentioned, work well. Most shops that cater to BDSM will also sell soft nylon rope which is a good upgrade. If you get into rope, I suggest buying a book called SM 101 by Jay Wiseman. While he makes a lot of comments about the scene in general that I don't agree with, he has some very good ideas regarding rope for newbies.
Communicate everything beforehand - what's the scenario, how far will you take it, what are your safewords, and what does she want out of it? No amount of prior communication is too much. Especially make sure you know exactly when the scene begins and ends. Also, do you know if she's ever been raped? (You don't have to answer publically, this is just food for thought.) Knowing about her prior experience with sexual assault will give you a good idea of what to do and what not to do.
Getting something in writing, and having her tell a trusted friend or therapist what she's doing with you, where, and when is a good idea, too. There are three reasons for this: first, if something happens to you when she's tied up (like, say, a heart attack - yes it can happen), somebody will know to come looking for her if she doesn't check in at a pre-designated time. Second, it gives you a shield from any legal repercussions if a neighbor decides to call the cops on you. Third, just because she wants to do it doesn't mean it's healthy for her. This could be opening up a whole pandora's box of scary emotional issues if she's not ready for it. She really should be reality-checking this decision against somebody she trusts who isn't you before she engages in either BDSM or rape play.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
I'll chime in and say--trust me on this one, it is a fine line between hunky-dory and emotionally devastating when it comes to rape fantasies, and neither of you knows where that line is for you... yet. You can't go much further than that without getting into some sketchy and ill-advised 'edgeplay' territory. Holding off on that one gives her something to potentially look forward to, anyway.
I'm glad you're not going with handcuffs. They are more uncomfortable than they're worth, IMO. That means fewer possible positions and, even if they're loose, a high likelihood of some red marks on her wrists for a couple of days afterwards.
I've rarely found belts to work, can't really get a knot to hold with them, and if you try to use the buckle it's usually either too short or too long and the extra slack just lets them get loose.
I'd like to emphasize something that what's her name touched on above. When she says that she likes to be tied up, that can mean a whole fuck tonne of different things. You should really try to find out what it is about being tied up that turns her on. Does she just like being restrained? Is it more about humiliation? Maybe she fantasizes about being owned like a slave, or does she just want something to pull against while she "resists" you?
These are all very different very separate fantasies, and you'll both have a much better time if you find out exactly what fantasy she's having when she imagines herself being tied up, and what the important parts of that fantasy are, and what she finds erotic about it.
For example, for someone who is into humiliation the restraints aren't the focus at all. They just exist to dehumanize them, the main focus of the fantasy is how you act, what you say and how you treat them.
On the flip side, someone that's into bondage wants to be tied elaborately, made to feel like there is no possible way they could move at all, they maybe want to feel trapped, or helpless.
Someone that's into being owned (a slave) might not even need the ropes to live out their fantasy. Simply being told what to do and being treated like property is enough.
Someone that's into being restrained will want to act like you have them against their will, and the restraints would have to be more secure than just a scarf cause they might want to pull on them, trying to get free.
Do you see what I'm getting at? All of these fantasies involve "being tied up". None of them are even remotely the same, yet they all fall under the banner of "bondage." The tough part is that as the dominant, or "top" it is entirely up to you to make the fantasy happen. The submissive can't direct you the whole time, or it will be meaningless. That's why it's so important to find out the reason behind the ropes.
Now, when it comes down to basic teniques, the most important thing is: do you plan on tieing her up on the bed? and if so, what is the headboard like? A single piece wooden headboard is useless, a metal frame headboard is a dream come true. The way you tie someone is entirely dictated by the headboard, and the stuff you use to tie that person is affected too, with a bed with no headboard and no legs(solid board from top to bottom), the only way is to lay rope under the mattress so that an end sticks out of both the left and right hand sides, then tie their wrists to that etc.
So yeah, as far as stuff to use to tie them with
scarves are great
ties are cool, but use old ones, you'll ruin them
rope is fantastic, but know your sub first, soft rope for some, scratchy rope for others, always tie loosely and check blood flow, it only takes half an hour of cut off circulation before a limb can have to be removed
be very wary of leaving someone tied in a position that they can't untie themselves, fire, medical emergency, burglary (not to mention sudden panic at being left alone) can all make for a very dangerous situation
shoe laces work, but are usually dirty
video game controller cords would be AWESOME(didn't callius take a pic of his girlfriend bound with nes controller cords?)
If you two get into hitting each other with stuff(and pain in general):
wooden spoons
the plastic thing on blinds that you use to change the angle is a great little cane
clothes pins on places
bare hand spanking is cool
face slapping is fantastic for the psychological impact
a leather belt can leave a terrific welt
rulers, of course
Shit I'm rambling.
Last point: rape fantasies are not uncommon, though it's important to realize that it's not an actual rape fantasy, no one really wants to be raped, they want to engage in play that simulates rough, forced sex. For some the resisting part helps them relaxand enjoy sex guilt free because they couldn't stop it (in the fantasy) and for some feeling victemized is a powerful fantasy. You can do it anyway you want, from negotiaging that she's going to start to resist while you two are fooling around in the bedroom to planning a time of day when she's going to be home alone with the music on loudly and you sneak in and take her by suprise.
I did the latter with a gf one time, at her request and we both loved it. Ninja infiltrate the house, suprise sex, leave.
suprisingly hot.
Dude, excellent idea! Better than using words like 'banana' or some shit.
So this is something that tends to confuse the fuck out of people who's inclinations are more vanilla. The core part of the fantasy is not the violence, or even the threat of violence, but the complete lack of control. That the idea of even resisting can be bad. Which is where the confusion comes in. Alot of people assume that a rape fantasy equals wanting to be raped. This isn't the case. This is a fantasy in which she gives up control.
It's not a super rare fantasy for women to have, and it comes into all kinds of favors. Helpless princess, red riding hood and the big bad wolf, helpless prisoner, etc. Those are all kind of tame variations of the theme. The problem for you can be that you have been trained "rape is bad", and while it is, the fantasy of it isn't. Some guys can understand the differance. Some can not in both good or bad ways.
This is one of those subjects in which you need to talk to your GF in great detail over. But it can be really hard to start and move through the dialogue without the right language to do it.
http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008/ref=sr_1_10/104-8733924-0012757?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1177435255&sr=8-10
The above book can be a good place to start. And understand that not everyone in the BDSM community does everything. For instance I'm what's called a switch. I can be a Dom or a sub depending on my partner. But I don't do any S/M in any position. Nor will I allow myself to be bound. Everyone is differant, and tastes differ. Your GF may just want you to pin her arms down during sex. Or she might want you to do Japanese rope bondage (hope you were a boy scout). But the key important thing is that you both are comfortable. Don't go leaping into the deep end at first. Dipping toes isn't bad.
AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU LOOK FOR TIPS IN ONLINE CYBERSEX INTENDED CHATS.
Yep, this is a good book.
One word of warning about any book is that everybody's experience with BDSM is different, just like everybody's experience with sex is different. Reading from a book can give you some good ideas and a good foundation, but take any book with a big grain of salt.
That said, if you're going to be hitting the bookstore, you might as well also pick up SM 101 by Jay Wiseman, and The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.