Pregnant girlfriend getting cold feet, considering adoption two weeks before due date

Laska95

Hello everyone.
It's late at night and after a few hours of reading over other people's experiences, I created an account and now here I am. Long story short, my girlfriend of 11 months is two weeks before her due date and is considering adoption for the baby. A little background on the both of us, I am a 21 year old male currently in school 3/5 years done for an electrical engineering B.A. I work a full time job as a work from home tech support specialist making a few dollars above minimum wage. She is a 19 year female who just finished her freshman year in college, studying to be a nurse practitioner not currently employed.

We met at school and after 3 months of dating we found out she was pregnant. There were mixed emotions but overall we were very happy. I've always wanted to have a family and at the time she stated that she's always wanted to have kids and after informing our parents and discussing the various options available (abortion, adoption, keeping the baby), we both mutually decided that keeping the baby was what we both wanted. The past few months have had their bits of stress but nothing I would consider harmful to our relationship. If anything this baby has brought us closer. I love this girl tremendously and we both feel the same way about each other. Call it naive, call it blind love, whatever, we both love each other. Anyways the pregnancy has been rough for her both physically and emotionally. So much so that recently she has gotten cold feet in keeping the baby and instead placing it up for adoption, or at least thats what i think is making her change her mind. This is the last thing I want to hear two weeks before the baby is born. She's miserable and possibly depressed. She's beginning to realize now that having a baby means not being able to go out and do the things typical kids our age do. She feels like her whole life just got swept away from underneath her, forever gone. Being a bit older, I already had my fun and was over with the whole "college experience" by the time I met her. I understand where she's coming from and it pains me to see her in this way. She has the right to be selfish being only just turned 19 and I feel guilty for getting her pregnant.

I don't know what to do or say to her at this point. I don't want to pressure her in keeping the baby just because I want to keep the baby but at the same time we did both agree to keep the baby early in the pregnancy. If we both end up disagreeing on what to do with the baby by the time they're born, what rights as a father would I have in the state of Florida? Should I begin talking to a lawyer? The idea that I would even need to speak to a lawyer disgusts me. To me it'd be like talking about suing your own mother. I don't want it to come to that. I just want to know how to keep her happy and how to keep this baby. I know it may be impossible to have both but please any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

knitdan

It is her decision. You cannot force her to keep a child she does not want.

I have no idea what rights you may or may not have as the father in Florida.

You will need to talk to a lawyer in order to find out this information.

That will at the very least give you some idea of what your options are if she chooses to put the child up for adoption.

Grobian

My only advice is to find some sort of counselor for this specific thing. Giving a kid up for adoption is a very big step and shouldn't be taken lightly. I mean, you talked a lot at the beginning of the pregnancy and got other people (family) involved so it makes sense to also do this now when you want to decide the other way. Counseling for her and/or counseling for you both together. Counseling is good because you get someone neutral instead of like a family member who was excited to become a grandparent or thought you were throwing your life away by having a child early (for the modern age).

I disagree that it's solely her decision. While obviously she can't be forced to keep a child she doesn't want, single parents and single fathers exist which is an option, if not one you might want to go for. (Also IANAL and not even in the US so I don't know how this works over there)
edit just to make this clear: I only say this because it's about adoption and not abortion. Abortion is ultimately her decision because it's her body. But that ship has sailed and the baby is gonna come out. After that it's both's child. She can decide to give it up but he can independently decide to not give it up. Then a solution has to be found.



Fwiw, pregnancy can be very rough. A baby and toddler can also be rough but in other ways. Some stuff gets better. Other stuff gets worse. It could also make sense to try and find other couples who went through a similar experience (having a child or giving one up for adoption) and talk to them about it.

CelestialBadger

1) You really need to talk to her doctor about postnatal depression. It sounds like she has it. It can start before birth. It is quite possible that she still want the baby but her hormones are fucking with her brain and making her feel she doesn't. It may be linked to fear of the birth.

2) I'm sure you can get custody if she doesn't want custody. However since it is unusual for a father to be a sole parent from birth, you probably need to engage a family lawyer to hash out the details. She will be liable for child support, which will be zilch right now because she is a penniless student but may be very helpful in 5 years or so when she is earning a nice wage as a nurse.

knitdan wrote: »

It is her decision. You cannot force her to keep a child she does not want.

Yes. However he can independently be a single father for the child. It is too late for an abortion which *is* a woman's sole decision. Once the baby is born, which it will be, it has two parents, both of whom have a say in its future.

Wezoin

I was in a similar situation to you with our first child - found out she was pregnant about 2-3months after we started dating. It can be a stressful/tough situation - you're both still learning who the other person is and to be honest at your age, you're still learning who you are. The relationship sounds like it's working well, the main issue (in terms of topic of debate, not that the child itself is a problem) is whether or not to keep the baby. She is in an emotional state and her hormones are in flux. My girlfriend was like a crazy person just prior to birth. She may change her mind and want the child again when her hormones settle back down, but if she doesn't then you should certainly have more rights to the child than a stranger. Try to take some baby steps with her - maybe ask to wait a couple months for her hormones to settle and to confirm that it is really what you want before making any drastic decisions.

If that doesn't work then try for custody yourself. If that's a dealbreaker for the relationship then that may be something you need to accept. Even then there's nothing to say she wouldn't change her mind down the road.

It's hard to say when I don't know you or her personally, but she is going through a hard time right now. She isn't herself and she will be making decisions and changing her mind on things frequently over the next couple weeks. Just try to be patient with her and discuss the topic cautiously.

MichaelLC

Repeat again about taking to a doctor and/or psychiatrist.

But do keep in mind that whatever is best for the baby is the right choice; as long as you two give them a good life is the correct choice.

Mulletude

Have you talked about her giving you full custody of the child?

Would you be willing to try and be a single parent?

MichaelLC

Oh, also assume baby is coming like today.

Two weeks is within the "oh shit, baby!" time window.

Paladin

Keep her in the loop with options. The more she has, the better the gears will turn.

Hiring a lawyer is not the equivalent of suing your mother. The lawyer could write a very good custody agreement that will be beneficial to both you and her. Think of everyone in a consulting capacity: a lawyer could ensure responsibilities are as promised, a doctor could rule out biological influences on her thought process, and an enrolled agent could map out a financial plan to secure her future. They're there to give both of you advice, not to enforce your whims on her. Give her the feeling that she is still in control of her life, and show her the collaborative process adults use to make informed decisions.

You may have some paperwork to do, and pretty quickly. See here. You may have legal rights in this case.

Get a pad and pen and set aside 3 hours to talk with her. Do a motivational interview. Use this risk benefit grid to get her to consider the effects of her decision from all angles.



Finish with a list of tasks that need to be done prior to deadline.

This looks like a bunch of psychology mumbo jumbo and is just a suggestion, but I get great results as long as I keep in mind that I should be listening, that she needs to know she is in control of herself, and that my primary concern is her well being and happiness. Be frank and watch that you're not getting too manipulative.

Blarghy

If she does decide to put the child up for adoption and you don't, you really do need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. Note that talking to a lawyer does -not- mean you'll be suing the mother or even necessarily going to court at all. A lawyer can help by simply letting you know what options you have and giving you advice on what you should do to protect yourself. Worst case, if you don't like the offered options from the lawyer, then don't use them, but at least you can be made aware of them. Its far better to at least know what your rights are, than to have potentially years of regret down the road.

(Also, since you say you're in Florida, read this article to see why at least talking to lawyer is probably a good idea: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/19/us/unwed-fathers-fight-for-babies-placed-for-adoption-by-mothers.html?_r=0 )

Hevach

Talk to her OB first. OB's aren't psychologists, but on the specific matter of pregnancy/postpartum mental issues they're sometimes better. OB may refer her, depending on a lot of things not covered here.

Then, talk to a lawyer. Sooner, not later. You can always pull the plug, you can never plug it in earlier.

Keep her in the loop, know what she wants, and try to find a way to give it to her, because if it comes to lawyers and courts, you might want to get this one settled without it going to a judge. It's going to look mighty odd to a judge that the father wants custody of a baby the mother wants to give away while they're still in a relationship together, and family court is a weird and fuzzy place where there aren't a lot of clearly written rules and judges have some major sweeping power to make shitty judgements on you as a person, and to let those dictate their judgement on your case.

Me, personally? I respect the hell out of you if you go that route, it's damn hard having a baby (7 month old here who's systematically defeating every babyproofing device money can buy). But family court judges? They see the worst humanity can offer on a daily basis and believe it's hiding wherever they don't see it. I was adopted, and the matter went to family court. The judge said some really shitty things about the woman who eventually adopted me, particularly closing one day of arguments with, "The State of Michigan does not let forty year olds adopt babies, because they're going to die." The only reason my mom got me was because the judge died that weekend leaving four kids, and his replacement didn't want to tempt fate.

Blameless Cleric

Hey whatever happens, as someone your age, mad respect for how it seems like you've handled this whole deal

Also, if you (or both of you) wind up with the baby, you can totally always talk to @spool32 and @Belasco32 about being (a) young parent(s) (they're my folks and were 21 when I was born) and there's a really wonderful parenting community on the forum, too (I think the Kids thread is in SE++), that might prove helpful to you

witch_ie

May be a little late now, but here goes.

I think you should ask your girlfriend to wait to make the decision at this point and also be there for her to talk things out with. You want to make sure she is making the right decision for her, despite the heartbreak it may cause for you. This has no bearing on what you want or what you will do ultimately. Knowing she has a partner she can trust will help her through a likely tumultuous time. Try not to be frustrated around her or worry too much about the outcome (hard, I know). Staying calm, focused, and supportive will be more likely to keep your family together. Do talk to her about what might be causing this change of heart, be it hormones, or other reasons. The goal here, again, is to help her avoid a decision she will regret, whatever that is. Try to find reasonable compromises like planning a fun night out for her on a regular basis where you'll take care of the baby or how you can still have date nights with your families' support. Will that work for her? If she asks, be honest about what you want too, but try to keep the focus on her.

If you can get her to agree to wait at least until after the birth, you need to prepare yourself for what it will mean for you and your child if she doesn't want to be a parent right now. Will your relationship stand the test? Will she want to date a single father and will you be okay with that kind of situation or will you resent it? Make sure you are doing the right thing for yourself as well. You should definitely speak to a lawyer if you want to keep the baby so that you know in advance what your rights are and what steps you will need to take.

It's a difficult situation to be in and while we all hope for the best, you may end up having to chose between staying in a relationship with your girlfriend or being a parent to your child.