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How Do I Get Over My Romantic Interest in my Friend?
Hexmage-PA
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
A few months ago I reconnected with a female friend from high school and began visiting her at her job sometimes after work. I had always thought she was pretty but honestly hadn't known her that well in high school. The more I talked to her, though, the more I found out we had in common. Eventually I offered to give her a ride someplace she wanted to go (she didn't have a car at the time); she told me that she had already planned to go with a friend, but that she would like for me to take her to a movie.
I won't post the details, but after the movie we went to a party a couple of my friends were throwing and I (as well as my friends) thought things had went exceptionally well (I will say that she said she had been very nervous about going out with me because she had a crush on me in high school). That's why I was crushed when, two days later, she texted me that she just wanted to be friends (to clarify, it's not that I thought she owed me a relationship or anything, but that for how well things had gone I must have made some huge mistake at the last minute that undermined everything leading up to that point). I was very upset that night and at work all day the next day, but I thought I was over it, and after about a week started occassionally texting and visiting her weekly at work again (to clarify once again, she seems glad for the excuse to take a break and I don't believe I am making her uncomfortable by visiting her, but I am making a point to only visit once a week to prevent her from feeling uncomfortable).
About a month has passed since we went out and now I'm pretty sure I'm not really over it. I keep wondering what I did wrong and what I should have done differently (Did she figure out I'm a virgin and didn't want to be the one to take my virginity? Do I really suck at kissing? Did I compliment her too much? Does she prefer someone more stereotypically masculine? Does she think I've gained too much weight since high school? Does she just have personal stuff going on?). I keep hoping that she might eventually change her mind. Every time I visit her at work I end up liking her more and feeling more miserable that she doesn't like me the same way. Every time I get a text message I can't wait to see if it's from her, and when I send her one back I'm disappointed if she doesn't immediately respond. I find myself thinking about her often at work, and when I try not to think about her I just end up feeling bad about myself (If someone who is so friendly towards me and has so much in common with me and was nervous about going out with me and had a crush on me in high school doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, then who will?).
I'm supposed to go with her and some of her friends to see a movie Friday, but honestly I think I should just cancel and possibly stop visiting her. However, she really does seem to like it when I visit her at work, and I don't want her to think that I just wanted sex and was never really interested in being her friend. It's just that if she's not romantically interested in me I need to find a way to stop being infatuated with her.
I would try to date someone else, but every date I've ever been on has been instigated by a partner I've known for a while, so I don't have any experience asking a relative stranger out. I would try a dating website, but there's only one result on OKCupid within an hour of where I live and based on their profile they are emphatically not the kind of person I would have anything in common with. I think a friend of mine's older sister might be interested in me, but I also think she and I wouldn't have that much in common (also she lives an hour away).
So I guess the most important thing right this moment is whether or not I should go with her and her friends to the movies Friday.
I won't post the details, but after the movie we went to a party a couple of my friends were throwing and I (as well as my friends) thought things had went exceptionally well (I will say that she said she had been very nervous about going out with me because she had a crush on me in high school). That's why I was crushed when, two days later, she texted me that she just wanted to be friends (to clarify, it's not that I thought she owed me a relationship or anything, but that for how well things had gone I must have made some huge mistake at the last minute that undermined everything leading up to that point). I was very upset that night and at work all day the next day, but I thought I was over it, and after about a week started occassionally texting and visiting her weekly at work again (to clarify once again, she seems glad for the excuse to take a break and I don't believe I am making her uncomfortable by visiting her, but I am making a point to only visit once a week to prevent her from feeling uncomfortable).
About a month has passed since we went out and now I'm pretty sure I'm not really over it. I keep wondering what I did wrong and what I should have done differently (Did she figure out I'm a virgin and didn't want to be the one to take my virginity? Do I really suck at kissing? Did I compliment her too much? Does she prefer someone more stereotypically masculine? Does she think I've gained too much weight since high school? Does she just have personal stuff going on?). I keep hoping that she might eventually change her mind. Every time I visit her at work I end up liking her more and feeling more miserable that she doesn't like me the same way. Every time I get a text message I can't wait to see if it's from her, and when I send her one back I'm disappointed if she doesn't immediately respond. I find myself thinking about her often at work, and when I try not to think about her I just end up feeling bad about myself (If someone who is so friendly towards me and has so much in common with me and was nervous about going out with me and had a crush on me in high school doesn't want a romantic relationship with me, then who will?).
I'm supposed to go with her and some of her friends to see a movie Friday, but honestly I think I should just cancel and possibly stop visiting her. However, she really does seem to like it when I visit her at work, and I don't want her to think that I just wanted sex and was never really interested in being her friend. It's just that if she's not romantically interested in me I need to find a way to stop being infatuated with her.
I would try to date someone else, but every date I've ever been on has been instigated by a partner I've known for a while, so I don't have any experience asking a relative stranger out. I would try a dating website, but there's only one result on OKCupid within an hour of where I live and based on their profile they are emphatically not the kind of person I would have anything in common with. I think a friend of mine's older sister might be interested in me, but I also think she and I wouldn't have that much in common (also she lives an hour away).
So I guess the most important thing right this moment is whether or not I should go with her and her friends to the movies Friday.
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These kinds of things it's not worth worrying yourself to death over making the right or wrong choices, there likely isn't a black and white reason for right or wrong here but your shade of gray doesn't match the shade of gray she's looking for right now.
As for why she seems excited, you're her friend, she would like to do things with her friend. Maybe there's still something there and she's confused too, but talking with her is the best way to address that. If you don't make it about sex, she won't think that's what you wanted. Make it clear. Be truthful.
I agree that you should talk to her about this like bowen said.
And if seeing her and talking to her is giving you heartache, you may want to give yourself some distance.
As an adult, crushes are deeply unhealthy. Find someone else. I mooned over a friend from highschool for ages, but I got out there and found someone else who actually liked me back. Now my crush is something I can laugh about and when I do hang out with my friend it's as genuine friends and not as this weird, awkward thing. Best of luck to you, man.
The hard truth is, you have to be honest with her and just tell her how you feel. If your heart aches when you're around her knowing she's not interested in a relationship with you, you need to ask to see her, alone, and explain things.
You could tell her things like you're honored she values you as a friend, but that you feel more strongly than that about her, and you're finding it difficult to hide your feelings around her. You can apologize for not feeling the same way she does, if it helps, and explain to her that you need time away from her so that you can get over your feelings.
She might be hurt by this, she might even get angry at you, but you need to be honest with her and give yourself time away from her to move on. If she's a true friend, she'll understand, and, maybe after some time has passed, you two can go back to being regular friends.
Good luck dude, and hang in there! You'll find love again, I did!
Like, "Hey, I was thinking of asking this girl I like out. Out of curiosity, did I come on too strong or something when we went out? I don't want to do that again." Just an honest "what went wrong?" talk is ok too, but has a bigger chance of becoming awkward if she feels like you're trying to get her to change her mind or something.
Start working on giving up before it's a crisis. You could think that it's a wasted effort while things are going well, but chances are you'd be sorry later.
No, it's not your fault, and even if it were she wouldn't tell you. Plus it will be awkward-imagine how you'd feel on the receiving end of this question. Nothing good can come from asking this.
He already gave it a shot, they went out, she wasn't interested.
Honestly I wouldn't ask her why she's not interested. Its an awkward question to be in the receiving end of as @Marty81 mentions.
Right now, reading your post, it feels like you're way more invested in this relationship than she is. And I get it, I have been there, but trust me, nothing good will come out of this.
You just need to withdraw, put distance between yourself and her. This doesn't mean just start ignoring her, but maybe less visits to her workplace. Less hanging out one on one, specially if you were initiating them.
Many people want to ask "is there anything in particular I did wrong?" in this situation, just like they would when they get dumped. At best it's for closure, but more often it's an attempt to win back. Don't do that. The honest answer is pretty much "I'm just not into you that way". And it's difficult to be forthright enough to say that to someone you care about, and most people would make an answer that tries to spare your feelings. And should she say something like "I'm not ready for a relationship right now" and a week later she's dating someone, you'll be double-gutted.
I don't have any practical advice as I think the decision to cut people out is deeply personal. I would stop the weekly visits to her workplace for now though; that's not helping you. As for incidental outings (like a movie) if you go, then you need to practice keeping distance. Developing an attraction to someone who is unavailable is not going to go away once you have an SO. I've been in a monogamous relationship for going on 20 years and I still sometimes have crushes; it happens, and you deal with it, because it goes away if you don't feed it.
I feel like it would be easier to get over if I felt like there were any other women around that I might be interested in, but as is it feels like I've blown my one good shot.
As I've mentioned before I've never asked anyone out myself, and if it weren't for her not having a car at the time I'd have never offered her a ride and she would have never asked for a date instead. Even if I did feel more comfortable asking someone out I am still forced to live in a small rural town due to my financial situation and can't foresee any way to move to a city where there are more options and more people who share my interests and beliefs. I feel trapped.
As someone who's been in this situation a few times, let me say that all your visits with her will go like this until you've actually gotten over your romantic interest. That is, the actual time you have with her will be enjoyable, but as soon as that time is over you'll feel depressed, maybe bitter, eventually possibly angry and used. When/if you get to the feeling angry and used part of the equation, you won't want to spend time with her anymore and whatever friendship you might have had with her will be dead inside you.
People misuse the term "friendzone" when they say "my crush friendzoned me." The word just describes the situation where you have romantic feelings for someone that views you as a friend and you stick around to be their friend while holding on to your feelings surreptitiously. You can only friendzone yourself.
It's not good for you to put yourself in this situation. You will eventually feel used and resentful or just angry that you wasted your time and energy. So rather than write elaborate justifications for unhealthy behavior, just stop it until you're over your feelings. She'll deal without having a car, or whatever. You'll always be able to rationalize an excuse for hanging out more, but don't do that.
As your last post explored your problem isn't this person, it's where you live.
I wish I could do something about it, but I've been stuck back in my hometown ever since I graduated college about six years ago. I had been wanting to date for a while but thought I should wait until I'd established myself somewhere else, but frankly I've about lost hope that I'll ever be able to afford to leave.
You have been posting about your mental health issues since like 2009 - if you haven't managed to tame them (I sincerely hope you have) that may be a root issue.
How much money do you feel you need so that you can pick up and move to a major city and find a job there?
In terms of money my problem is that I apparently chose a shitty degree that has very few job opportunities and even fewer that would pay well enough for me to afford both the cost of living as well as student loan payments. I've had to settle for a factory job that pays $16/hour with 45 to 60 hour work weeks. Even then most of my money goes to my rent, utilities, and loan payments.
Actually, one of the reasons I was so interested in this woman is because she's in a similar situation as I am where she hates living in a small town but doesn't have the money to move. I was hoping if we became a couple we could cooperate so we could move to a nearby city together, but oh well.
This is kind of a red flag to me - this is a massive jump ahead when you hadn't even figured out if the person liked you back, yet. You really shouldn't spend your time dreaming about starting relationships with people so they can rescue you from your financial/living situation, even if you think it would be mutually beneficial. Even if you had become a couple, there's a long gap between "starting to date" and "moving to a new city together and relying on each other financially".
I'd suggest that you try to figure out some healthier ideas on to how to improve your own (and only your own) financial/living situation first, and avoid hanging out with this girl until you're over her.
Financial issues only stress relationships, so if you or her aren't secure it's going to go quickly into "this relationship is burdensome" where it might die before it even had a chance to start anyways.
Well it's not like this was my main objective or anything. It was more a "wouldn't this be nice" scenario.
Most college degrees will at least open the door for office jobs/temp jobs.
Stabilize your living situation. Stabilize your life. Then think about what you can offer a relationship, and what a relationship can offer you. You should make a new thread, and that thread should be "How do I not live here anymore, and live in this other place instead, here is the kind of job I work in/would like."
Do not bring this girl into that thread, she is not a part of this equation anymore.
Put this aside, start fresh.